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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to 'settle' for mr 'right now'...

106 replies

persephonesnape · 26/01/2010 20:28

second best??

apologies if this has been done...

Author Lori Gottlieb maintains that if you haven't met 'mr right' by the age of 30, settle for anyone that will have you so you can have children (I'm paraphrasing slightly here..)

Now, this isn't really pertinent to me - but what do you think? did you 'settle' when the old biological clock was chiming? do you think women do 'make do' in order to have kids? do we have a romanticised view of a perfect DH or DP?

(i think it's a load of misogynist claptrap - but i think that of most things! )

OP posts:

WineBeforePearls · 26/01/2010 20:29

compo · 26/01/2010 20:30

tbh I wish I'd waited a wee bit longer

annabelcaramel · 26/01/2010 20:33

I remember saying to bf when I first met dh he was not mr right, just mr right now. 11 yrs later he's lost the 'now'

BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/01/2010 20:33

Who or what is 'Lori Gottlieb'.

To be honest, if you don't really love them when everything's nice and easy, you're not going to love them after you've married them, or after three or four kids, or ever. You'll probably cheat on them, and they'll probably cheat on you, when they find someone they actually do really want, and the whole hopeless facade will tumble to the ground in a cloud of blame and recrimination.

I'd rather not waste my time.

ChippingIn · 26/01/2010 20:35

WBP - PMSL and hope you are joking!

Compo

I think there is a lot to be said for it. Not so much 'settling for second best' as such, but maybe not looking for 'Mr Perfect' - cos as most of us know, they really are a myth!

heQet · 26/01/2010 20:40

I dunno. Is it 'settling' or is it accepting that Mr Perfect In Every Way probably doesn't exist and there are plenty of good men out there, who you can have a great life with and who will love you and you will love.

compo · 26/01/2010 20:46

hequet I think that's what I did
while it turned out very well in the end I often wonder if I'd waited for the lightening bolt then I wouldn't look at his socks on the floor and want to kill him

Cicatrice · 26/01/2010 20:47

Bit of a shame for "Mr Right Now". I always think that the people who spout this stuff about how women should marry any man who'll have them or they will end up embittered and alone, actually really hate men.

lolapoppins · 26/01/2010 20:50

I panic bought too. Although, in all fairness I think dh did as well (was fair bit younger than 30 though).

overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 20:53

You should never settle.

But neither should you always be lookinjg for the 'one' mister right, as that is a load of bollox, there are lots of potential miser rights out there. Hoping for a lightening bolt and setting eyes on your 'sole mate' is just wasintg your time, you will awyas be disappointed.

You shouldn;t settle, you should be with someone you love who loves you back.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/01/2010 20:54

Lol at 'panic bought'.

Nancy66 · 26/01/2010 20:55

A big mistake I made in my 20s was always assuming there would always be somebody else around the corner.

Was with a great bloke in my 20s, thought I could do better and then hit the most almightly drought. So I do see some logic in what she says.

overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 20:58

I do agree with wnat Lori G says in that article though. We shouldn't be holding out for some knight in shining armour to rescue us who we will then live happily ever after with, because there is no such thing, we will never find it.

That doesn't mean settling for second best though, it just meals etting a more realistic view of the world and relationchips. They require effort and work, and love is something that grows, not something effortless that is just 'there'. To say it is settling for second best implies that there is a 'first best' out there, and that just isn't so.

Romantic love isn't real love. Real love is what happens once the feeling of being 'in-love' passes (and it always passes as it isn;t real love).

No one should settle with someone just to have kids htough, life is to short, there has to be real genuine love involved.

lolapoppins · 26/01/2010 20:59

Nancy, I had the opposite. There was never anyone else round the corner, so when I met my now dh I thought I had better hang on to him. It was the same for him with me.

overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 21:00

and yes our society does hold a romanticised view of the perfect husband and wife, and dare I say it the perfect family and happily ever after, but most sensible people know this is a load of rubbish and nothing like the reality.

blueshoes · 26/01/2010 21:32

It is wrong to settle at 30 or whatever age.

The much longed for children will ultimately be the ones to pay the price if the wheels on the marriage fall off.

Instead, women should date lots of men from their twenties, not waste time on duds and keep socialising. It is a numbers game.

By kissing a lot of frogs, you will recognise a prince more quickly once you meet him. The unrealistic laundry list of expectations fall away and what is left are the essential qualities that you value in a life partner.

Also, insist on being treated well. And on commitment. Controversially, let the man do the chasing.

displayuntilbestbefore · 26/01/2010 21:41

I certainly didn't "settle" for anything less than what is right for me with dh and we're lucky in that we both feel the same way.
However, I was also never looking for "Mr Right" nor did I have a list of criteria that I expected a man to meet before considering him as a potential date.
There are women out in the world who have a list as long as their arm as to what they want from a man, even down to hair colour, job and exact physique, and so maybe the article is pertinent to them in that being too specific about certain attributes may make them overlook someone who could potentially be the man for them. I have known someone who wouldn't even consider a date with a really great guy simply because he didn't drive the right car However, that doesn't mean settling for a second best, just being realistic that your Mr Right might not come in the package you thought he would come in (ie many people find love with someone who they thought they would never go for initially or weren't their "type").

stainesmassif · 26/01/2010 21:41

i got as far as "Every woman I know ? no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure ? feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried." and a red mist descended.

overmydeadbody has hit the nail on the head for me. i had two 'true love' affairs in my 20s and then my 30s. they were awful. when i met dh i was able to compare and contrast what being 'in love' with someone was like and enjoy loving someone who loved me back on an equal footing. because i wasn't bowled over by romantic love i feel that i allowed myself to choose a partner who i really can share my life with. i don't see this as second best though by any means.

fluffles · 26/01/2010 21:49

i don't think you can generalise - SOME women need to stop being such fantasists with their expectations of relationships and romance and passion... while SOME other women need to learn a lot more self-respect and demand more from their relationships and partners.

on another forum i'm on a lot of women said they'd not even go on one date someone who they liked and got on with really well and admited was quite attractive if they didn't absolutely 100% fancy the pants off them at first sight - i think they're the women this article is aimed at.. or the women who wont date someone under 6'2" or who has blonde hair or isn't a professional... etc. etc.

wubblybubbly · 26/01/2010 21:54

Dunno about settling.....? When I met DH I wasn't really interested, he wasn't my type and fell down on a few of my 'criteria'.

I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so I didn't really try, but agreed to a few dates, mainly 'cos he kept lending me stuff and fixing stuff .

A few months down the line, I suddenly realised that, despite not matching up my ideal of 'Mr Right', I'd never felt so complete and comfortable in all of my life than I did when I was with him.

So I'd say, if they treat you right, don't write them off and just see where it goes, whatever age you are.

ImSoNotTelling · 26/01/2010 22:01

haven't read the article linked (sorry am tired after a mega faith schools thread) but my twopenneth is:

That a lot of people might have assumed that I had settled for DH or got desperate, as i was 32 when I met him and we were engaged very quickly. So from the outside that might look likely.

But what they would miss is that by the age of 32, with a vast, wide and comprehensive dating history under my belt, I was able to tell very quickly whether it would likely work out with someone or not. When I met DH, I just knew that we fitted together, that his personality traits were ones that I wouldn't grow to find annoying, or twattish etc etc.

We are extremely happy together (I am anyway ).

As for him - well he was younger so no-one would have though that he was settling I don;t think.

There is also something to be said for people being at the same point - ready to settle down. If one person is ready to settle and the other is still feeling wild then clearly it's not going to happen.

Original poster

persephonesnape · 26/01/2010 22:08

I'm all soppy at some of your stories

I had a six year relationship after my ex left, who would have been 'settling' if he had actually shown any sign of commitment...I just didn't really like him that much and I prefer being single.

OP posts:

BobbyTheBird · 26/01/2010 22:12

My Auntie kept putting off settling down with somebody. She would date a guy for a few years and then dump him because he wasn't quite right.

At age 40 she finally realised that Mr perfect doesn't exist and got married.

Sadly, she found that she then couldn't conceive the baby she had longed for and because of her age she can't get IVF. It really has broken her heart.

WidowWadman · 26/01/2010 22:16

I would neither have emigrated to be with him, nor had a child with him nor married him, if I wasn't stupidly madly in love with the bloke.

Doesn't mean that he's not a PITA sometimes, but I couldn't imagine settling with someone who I wasn't stupidly madly in love with.

blueshoes · 26/01/2010 22:17

Imsonottelling: "But what they would miss is that by the age of 32, with a vast, wide and comprehensive dating history under my belt, I was able to tell very quickly whether it would likely work out with someone or not. When I met DH, I just knew that we fitted together, that his personality traits were ones that I wouldn't grow to find annoying, or twattish etc etc."

So true. Same in my case. Which is why I think it is good to play the field when young.

My dh is also younger than me (5 years)!

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