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Original poster

...to not want to 'settle' for mr 'right now'...

106 replies

persephonesnape · 26/01/2010 20:28

second best??

apologies if this has been done...

Author Lori Gottlieb maintains that if you haven't met 'mr right' by the age of 30, settle for anyone that will have you so you can have children (I'm paraphrasing slightly here..)

Now, this isn't really pertinent to me - but what do you think? did you 'settle' when the old biological clock was chiming? do you think women do 'make do' in order to have kids? do we have a romanticised view of a perfect DH or DP?

(i think it's a load of misogynist claptrap - but i think that of most things! )

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 26/01/2010 22:19

However,

ImSoNotTelling · 26/01/2010 22:23

blueshoes I noticed we had said the same thing, just you were more eloquent and succinct!

Mine is 5 years younger too

stainesmassif · 26/01/2010 23:25

Mine is 8 years younger and I agree with both of you!

ImSoNotTelling · 27/01/2010 10:04

and hooray! for younger men

skihorse · 27/01/2010 10:13

You need to understand the difference between settling and being realistic. I believe there are far too many women (and men) out there who have a totally unrealistic view of what they want and actually what a "catch" they themselves are... Perspective always seems to be lacking.

WeWantYourDoofDoofs · 27/01/2010 10:18

Compo, I had the lightning bolt and still look at the socks on the floor and fantasise about strangling him with them

Heqet hit the nail on the head, it's not about settling for second best, it's growing up and realising that nobody is perfect.

Bonsoir · 27/01/2010 10:23

I saw this reported elsewhere. I think that Lori Gottlieb has completely missed the point. Women aren't not finding true love because they are too fussy, but because they aren't looking hard or well enough - they get so distracted by work and modern consumption trends that they postpone looking for true love until their biological clock starts ticking very loudly indeed and they are past their prime for attracting the best partner.

Look harder and better for true love when you are younger. As Lori Gottlieb correctly says, at 40 most women want a life partner and children more than anything else. Logically, therefore, you should invest your time and resources attracting him when you are younger.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/01/2010 10:30

A big problem as well is this well reported tendancy for men to want to keep their single lifestyles forever, and being unwilling to settle down.

Threads on here reveal a pile of irresponsible clueless men.

Maybe women are having trouble finding there aren't many decent ones around? Certainly some of the women on here have looked at their own age group, seen all the men are either taken, or shit, and so stepped down a few years into a pool of men where the decent ones weren't taken yet. And nabbed one

Bonsoir · 27/01/2010 10:41

Oh God I so agree with the irresponsible clueless men - I can just see my DSSs growing up totally clueless about anything and everything, except perhaps earning money. Grrrrrrrrrr.

lolapoppins · 27/01/2010 10:46

Believe me though, I tried and tried to find someone, and did not have a huge list of requirements. I socialized as much as I could etc, but no one was interested in me. I got told to 'date lots' but that's easier said than done! I am not unattractive either, and I have have always been friendly and out going but even late teens/twenties could not get a date to save my life. That's why when I met dh, although there was not much attraction there, he was a nice man who worked hard and had good values etc, so I took the opportunity while I could. Of course, there are lots of times when I really regret not waiting for someone I had fallen in love with,or even felt attracted to, but I could still be waiting for that now. (I also had a shorter time span than most to have a baby due to a medical condition)

OrmRenewed · 27/01/2010 10:49

I guess it depends on what you mean by Mr Right. I didn't find him. I found the one that was right for me at the time. I love him dearly and we are very good together in every way but we aren't head over heels anymore. If you want head over heels I think you might always be disappointed long-term - I think that's rare.

I often think that life-long monogamy deson't fit with modern lives and our expectations.

In other words yes to '"do we have a romanticised view of a perfect DH or DP? "

skihorse · 27/01/2010 10:56

I rather disagree with the whole "irresponsible clueless men" jibes... I think it's very easy to find a good man to settle down with, but if you're going out armed with a list which insists he must be 6'3", green-eyed, have graduated from X, make Y a year, drive a Z then your options will be more limited. I carried that list throughout my 20s... these days I see cute, funny, kind, available (single!) men everywhere I look.

But... if we are taking digs at these daft men - might we cast an eye in the direction of the mothers raising these "little emperors"?

alypaly · 27/01/2010 11:14

im in my 50's and still not found Mr right unless he slipped unnoticeably thro my fingers.Had children late with long standing BF but that went pear shaped when he sloped off with his ex fiancee.
I still have 2 fantastic boys and wouldnt change a thing, but it would be nice to have a companion to do things with....preferably one with a pulse

thesteelfairy · 27/01/2010 11:25

I realise now that I met the best and right "person" a couple of times in my twenties but with the luxury of time always thought there would be someone even better. I was happy but I didn't know it.

thesteelfairy · 27/01/2010 11:28

Also how do I class myself having been married twice before the age of thirty. Should I be panicking because I am currently unmarried in my thirties? Do my two unsuccessful marriages release me from the pressure of being unmarried in my thirties?

alypaly · 27/01/2010 11:30

same he steelfairy. I still see my first ever 2 boyfriends and i still wish i had settle with either of them as they are both lovely but i thought i was too young.i think they have happy families but funnily enough one of the married a girl who could have been my twin sister so it makes me wonder if he wanted us to be together. But i would never dare pry.

Sn0wflake · 27/01/2010 11:38

Not read the whole thing but I do think some women expect too much: great looks, money, romance, a lot of attention. However I believe you should love your partner. But I love slightly geeky, intelligent men who are not quite super models. Just learn to love the important stuff: respect, laughter, conversation, shared aspirations....and maybe a firm bottom

Bonsoir · 27/01/2010 11:46

A lot of attention and romance ought to be everyone woman's birthrate. And all men could and should make the best of what they've got - most men could look a lot, lot better than they do if they put some effort into their appearance.

Bonsoir · 27/01/2010 11:46

birthright

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 27/01/2010 11:56

I love my DH to bits- he's Mr Right. I was 23 when we married. I would hate to 'settle'.

clumsymum · 27/01/2010 12:08

"Believe me though, I tried and tried to find someone, and did not have a huge list of requirements"

I find this an interesting sentence (not critical, or picking on the poster at all).

I was 31 when I met my dh. I had been in a long relationship from 17 to 22, but then hardly any relationships at all. Between about 27 and 29 I'd put in loads of effort to 'find someone', inc dating agencies, blind dates, general socialising, new hobbies, the lot.
I thought I knew who I was looking for, I kept lowering my "list of requirements".

By the age of 30 I gave up looking. I had a good social life, a great career, OK, I'm not meant to be married.

Then there he was. He didn't match any of my expectations, I wouldn't have considered him if I'd seen his details listed on an agency's books.
We became good friends, we had the same sense of humour, same ideas, totally different backgrounds, and suddenly I realised I loved him (he says he knew within days of meeting me, it took me a few months).

17 years on, we're still happily married.

I think it's because I stopped looking.....

FairyLightsForever · 27/01/2010 12:47

I'm nearly 35 and single, but I do have two children. I think that, as much as if the right man came along, I'd possibly like to have another child, my biological clock isn't ticking.
I'm quite happy being single and I've realised that I'm not willing to 'settle'. I don't have a huge list of expectations, but I do have a list of things that are unacceptable- neediness, immaturity etc.
If he doesn't challenge me and improve my life in some way, then I'd rather be single...

BendyBob · 27/01/2010 12:55

I think sometimes people have unrealistic expectations which they hold out to find in a partner, only to discover (too late) that someone that ticks every box on a list doesn't exist.

Also, that kind of means that you'll have to be pretty faultless yourself too. Who can live up to all that or would want to?

I don't think it's settling for second best to compromise on a few details. No-one's perfect (apart from me obviously )

thesecondcoming · 27/01/2010 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BendyBob · 27/01/2010 13:08

This reminds me of that joke about the Husband Store