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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to 'settle' for mr 'right now'...

106 replies

persephonesnape · 26/01/2010 20:28

second best??

apologies if this has been done...

Author Lori Gottlieb maintains that if you haven't met 'mr right' by the age of 30, settle for anyone that will have you so you can have children (I'm paraphrasing slightly here..)

Now, this isn't really pertinent to me - but what do you think? did you 'settle' when the old biological clock was chiming? do you think women do 'make do' in order to have kids? do we have a romanticised view of a perfect DH or DP?

(i think it's a load of misogynist claptrap - but i think that of most things! )

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 27/01/2010 17:52

agahst gottlieb apocalyptic sweeping generalisations

"Every woman I know ? no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure ? feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried."

haha that's me fucked then

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2010 17:52

'I'm saying you're not special.

Well, you are special.

But you're on a bellcurve'

SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 18:01

FFS: what's far more important is for women to realise that BEING SINGLE IS BETTER ANYWAY.
I wonder how many of these allegedly 'embittered' 'desperate' single women are not so much unhappy in their single state, just fed up with mundanes nagging them about how they should get a move on and resign themselves to gratefully serving anything with a penis that will concescend to speak to them. Yes, blah blah, a happy relationship is nice enough if that's what you want (I don't and never really did) but life in a not-good relationship is far, far worse than being single.
If it;s DC you want, rather than 'settling' for a selfish, lazy, unattractive, desperate or completely mental man and trying to force him to 'commit' why not cultivate a nice male friend (who may not even be heterosexual) and build a co-parent relationship with him? Or indeed buy yourself some sperm and a turkey baster?

An awful lot of this stuff about how women are desperate for husbands is pure and siimple bullshit - it;s the men who are desperate for wives (ie women who will put men first and be grateful for male attention) as more and more women realise that men are not more important than they are themselves, and it's not worth giving up anything/everything just to Catch and Keep a Man.

scottishmummy · 27/01/2010 18:06

smug marrieds banging on about marriage,settling down and commitment is always a compelling reason not to get married.their hectoring of single is counter productive

Peachy · 27/01/2010 18:11

I wish I'dwaited longer to meet Mr Right as I did decide to settle,then a fewmonths before wedding met DH- cue much heartnreak and trouble.

It was a very conscious decision (nice bloke,reliable,good job,get on well etc) andin retrospect incredibly silly.

Mumcentreplus · 27/01/2010 18:20
Hmm
lindy100 · 27/01/2010 18:31

I would say don't settle - but I know more than a cuople of women in their late 30s or older who are on their own and, while they are happy most of the time, have expressed the feeling that they have missed out on something...family life? Sharing important things with a special person? But would Mr right now be special enough? Prob not for someone who has been prepared to wait that long.

Original poster
persephonesnape · 27/01/2010 18:33

love tim minchin. Only recently discovered him. Smashing.

Sometimes I'd like someone. But I am insufferably picky and when men that I think would be 'perfect' happen into my periphery, they just don't feel the same way as I do. I would want the tummy butterflies and whenever they occur, they're never reciporated.

That's fine. I have brilliant kids. I don't get to share their funny moments or amazingness with anyone. I think that happy times are just a little bit happier sometimes when they're shared with another grown up... But so few people actually 'get' me, that I just have to cherish my few real life friends and not think that I have 'another half'. I think that's a falsehood, at least for me.

OP posts:
mistletoekisses · 27/01/2010 18:34

I hate the term smug marrieds. It is so offensive.

For fear of being labelled with that term, I now stay schtum around all nearly all my single friends. But you cannot win. Say something and you are instantly elevated to status of 'smug married' because 'well she can say that, she's married, what does she know'. (Errrm, plenty, I was the one who was single for years while you were all happily settled, I know a thing or two about being single and dating)

Don't say anything and you are also a 'smug married' as you no longer find your single friends interesting.

It is a no win situation.

Morloth · 27/01/2010 18:35

I know way too many Toyotas trying to bag Ferraris to completely dismiss this stuff.

Some of my single girlfriends in their 30s are insanely picky. Which is fine and totally up to them, but the trade off for that is that if they want to settle down and have children etc then at some point they are going to have to adjust their sights or let go of that idea and keep looking.

scottishmummy · 27/01/2010 18:45

no relationship single or cohabitating is a panacea.i dont regard single as unequal to married.however, a vociferous minority in society and mn do bang the smug marrieds drum

imo happiness is based upon self worth.positive regard for self.an ability to live in on skin without being overwhelm with what ifs and could have been

pragmatically sometimes we get the life are given rather than the life we chose.and have to get on with it

SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 19:24

Also IME the 'Toyotas looking for Ferraris' are usually men who think that posession of a penis ought to be enough to snare a wealthy supermodel, and if an attractive woman (or any woman) doesn't immediately throw her knickers at them then she must be a 'frigid bitch'.

Morloth · 27/01/2010 19:33

I would say it is about 50/50 IME.

People are unrealistic. Which once again is fine and as scottishmummy says single is not unequal to married. But it does get a bit weird when you have a friend crying on your shoulder about not being settled and having babies when the week before she had been laughing about dropping a guy because he didn't open her car door for her (this was the only reason she could come up with).

There are no perfect people, all relationships have to contain give and take.

Original poster
persephonesnape · 27/01/2010 19:42

I have NEVER had a car door opened for me (adds to list which includes 'doesn't live with mum' & 'can quote shakespeare' ).

OP posts:
Morloth · 27/01/2010 19:45

The really strange part is that the friend in question is one of the aforementioned "Ferraris" IMO. She is gorgeous, intelligent, successful and quite wealthy. She does mostly date other Ferraris (never let go of a metaphor) but she picks and picks and picks until she finds something "wrong" and then dumps them. I can't figure it out.

FoShoSTFU · 27/01/2010 19:46

Message deleted

LeninGrad · 27/01/2010 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparkletastic · 27/01/2010 19:53

I probably did settle but didn't realise it at the time and will never regret it however it pans out due to creation of 2 lovely DDs.....

LurcioLovesFrankie · 27/01/2010 20:37

What I think is interesting here, and what the author of the original book misses (Gottlieb?) is the range of responses - some people are happy to settle, others not. The point surely is that there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. For some people, friendship can be the basis of what then turns into a successful sexual and romantic relationship, for others, if the butterflies aren't there at the outset, then it's never going to work, for others, the whole business of coupledom is a tiresome mystique which has been oversold. I think the important thing is probably to work out honestly which category you fit into - for example I'm in the middle category, and I'd be practising self-delusion if I tried to persuade myself to settle, and, attractive as I have sometimes found the "romance is a waste of energy" position, I don't think it's for me either (though I do potter along fairly contendedly with just me and DS in the picture).

Wolliw · 27/01/2010 20:43

You can buy articial insemination, or you could risk it with any old slapper. I know a couple of women who became deliberate single parents. If you really want a baby, have a baby, but don't settle with a bloke you aren't completely happy with for the sake of getting knocked up.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2010 20:47

Mr Right is just a modern day version of Prince Charming. Or all that 'the one' shit.

One of the best books I've read is, 'Prince Charming Isn't Coming'.

Either get on with it or don't, but wibbling until you're 40 and then panicking is, IMO, an even worse option than taking a chance on Mr Nice Guy even if he isn't Mr Perfect.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 27/01/2010 20:55

Expat - I honestly don't think we're talking about shit like "prince charming" or "the one", we're talking about a level of compromise which encompasses anyone half-way passable with a penis, even if you don't fancy him. And that's not my cup of tea personally. Which is not to deny that it may work for some (precious few among my acquaintances - more frequently ends in disaster, as someone higher up this thread has attested to).

Wolliw - precisely what I did do (AI rather than random slapper) and it was absolutely the right decision for me (but wouldn't be for everyone).

expatinscotland · 27/01/2010 20:56

Well, then, as suggested, go it alone.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 27/01/2010 20:59

Expat - which bit of the English language do you have trouble with? I just explained that I did - and have tried to be at great pains to point out that this was my own personal choice, and might well not work for everyone.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2010 21:04

'Expat - which bit of the English language do you have trouble with? I just explained that I did - and have tried to be at great pains to point out that this was my own personal choice, and might well not work for everyone.'

Lurcio, is there any particularly reason you're getting so incredibly narky to me personally for just posting on a thread?

Wind it in, please. I couldn't care less about your personal life and never directed anything to your personally when you immediately came out for me.

It's AIBU.

I rang in with an opinion.

You don't agree.

SO WHAT?