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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this?

76 replies

hmmemoticon · 20/01/2010 20:02

I have been seeing someone for three months. I have known him for quite a few years though.

He is lovely and generous and thoughtful but I get a feeling that he is "acting" this way if you know what I mean?

I can't quite put my finger on it. I have fun with him and we get on quite well when together.

However he can be quite scathing of people he perceives to be lower than him, taxi drivers etc.

Also when I am telling him serious stuff or we are having some kind of discussion he will always make silly jokes or comments and it really pisses me off.

Also seems quite moody, am I right in thinking that moodiness should't really figure this early on in a relationship.

He was really full on right from the beginning and already talks about a future together and the expensive things he will buy me in the future. I am a single Mum and clearly don't have much cash. He has not met dc and I have no plans to introduce them.

I have been out of the game for so long and was in an abusive relationship before that I worry I am seeing things that aren't there and being too picky.

It just doesn't feel quite right but there is nothing concrete. I need MN judgement here in AIBU as I know I will have honesty here.

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/01/2010 20:05

If it doesn't feel right then it isn't right. Move on and find someone more straightforward - good luck with it

willsurvivethis · 20/01/2010 20:07

Trust your instincts and don't go any faster than you want to. He sounds like he could be the emotionally controlling kind. You will have a sixth sense for that by now. He could also mean very well and be innocent. But you owe it to yourself to be cautious and not to go against your better judgement.

Take things at your own pace and back off if you are uncomfortable. If he really cares he will understand.

Coldhands · 20/01/2010 20:07

I would ALWAYS go with your instincts. If it 'doesn't feel quite right' then it isn't. Also you say that you have no plans to introduce your DCs, this says to me that you are not that keen.

Btw, YANBU for feeling this way, its your feelings.

heQet · 20/01/2010 20:08

Why carry on with a relationship that doesn't feel right?

TootaLaFruit · 20/01/2010 20:09

I agree with Hassled, and although it's a song lyric I feel the following is one of the truest statements around:

You can't start a fire without a spark.

If it doesn't feel right now, it isn't going to. Just because you're a single mum and out of the game doesn't mean your gut instinct has gone astray..... trust yourself and find someone who it does feel right with

Original poster
hmmemoticon · 20/01/2010 20:11

Because when I am with him, we do have a really good time and I remember why I like him but when I am away I can take him or leave him and the little irritating things bug me.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 20/01/2010 20:11

Listen to the voice at the back of your mind! the voice always knows!

really, trust your instincts. If you need evidence of him being a wrong 'un you can wait until he does something bad (and he will) but you are right not to let him in - from what you say he sounds wrong.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 20/01/2010 20:12

I agree with the others. Listen to your instincts. If they're ringing alarm bells, there is a reason.

BetterBitOfButter · 20/01/2010 20:17

I agree with all the instinct comments, the thing that would put me off is the comment "However he can be quite scathing of people he perceives to be lower than him, taxi drivers etc".

A taxi driver, or a waiter or a cleaner or a shop assistant etc is of no lesser value as a person just because some idiot perceives their job to be below them. They deserve to be treated with respect. Totally ignorant behaviour.

Original poster
hmmemoticon · 20/01/2010 20:17

Thanks, I suppose I wanted it to work because it started out so well and I am not getting any younger! The offers aren't exactly coming thick and fast. But it is no reason to settle, quite content with life as it is really, find the dating thing quite hard work.

OP posts:
LadyPeterWimsey · 20/01/2010 20:19

How he treats other people is how he will end up treating you. Don't settle for that.

Original poster
hmmemoticon · 20/01/2010 20:32

Also I didn't really want to say this but I think it is relevant. He has a child that he has no contact with whatsoever, he said he agreed that with her mother when their relationship broke down. I know you can never know the full story but I do wonder about a man who can do this.

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 20/01/2010 21:24

A child he has absolutely no contact with.....

Hmmm indeed!

I would be seriously bothered by that and the little things about him that get on your nerves

Pozzled · 20/01/2010 21:29

I think if the relationship was really right for you, you wouldn't be posting this. Trust your instincts. If things that he does worry you or grate on your nerves now, they're not going to get any easier.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 21/01/2010 08:21

Sounds like your intuition is yelling at you. It might serve you well to listen.

piscesmoon · 21/01/2010 08:43

Go with your instincts. Offers might not be thick and fast but it doesn't mean you should settle for less than the best.
I don't think that I would be happy with any man who could stop contact with his DC. Even if he thinks that it is better for the DC, I don't agree with the reasoning.
You don't have to break it off yet-just take care-don't get too involved and don't introduce him to your DC. Meeting his family and friends is generally a big eye opener-and it would be more alarm bells if he doesn't introduce you.

lindy100 · 21/01/2010 09:07

My sister's emotionally controlling ex-h was takling marriage on their second date, and told me they were planning to get married the first time I met him.

It went downhill from there...

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/01/2010 09:16

Absoluteley and totally agree with others that say listen to your instincts.

I rememebr the second date with XDP, I remember it as clear as day, I was pouring a glass of wine whilst looking at him and for some reason a voice in my head said 'get away from him'.

I ignored it and 8 years later I finally plucked up the courage to leave an emotional and physical bully. 8 years later and most of my youthful twenties gone. I will never forgive myself for ignoring that voice.

messygarden · 21/01/2010 09:24

Trust your instints.

There are tell tale signs of abusers and one of them is the person being disrespectful and rude to people he considers "beneath" him - taxi driver, waitress, supermarket assistant...of couse he has had a failure to understand that no human being is "beneath" another one (unless they are a murderer or something really evil like that!)

Ladyanonymous · 21/01/2010 09:28

Someone said to me on here a while back if you're having to post on here about it within the first few months then it isn't right....(it wasn't!).

thesecondcoming · 21/01/2010 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steamedtreaclesponge · 21/01/2010 10:14

Run for the hills! The way he's treating waiters will be the way he treats you in a few months' time.

Not seeing his child would be ringing big warning bells for me as well - you have to wonder what kind of person would be happy about that.

Trust your instincts and stay well away.

tartyhighheels · 21/01/2010 10:18

Crikey he sounds a twat, it is rather telling that he doesn't see his own child - shows a level of detachment that is really worrying and I wonder how bad things were with him and the ex for them to come to this decision... sounds dodgy as hell. My Ex doesn't see our childre, because he is a violent abuser and he has had at least two relationships since we parted, I always wonder how he explains it away.

In these situations gut should always rule over heart.

And well done you for not introducing your DC, that's a really good call and I wish more women would do this (including me).

I think you can tell a lot about someone by how they treat others, it is easy to be nice to you because he wants to impress but to show such a lack of grace and manners is a big tell... RUN FOR THE HILLS LADY!!!!!!!!!!

thesecondcoming · 21/01/2010 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msrisotto · 21/01/2010 10:20

Listen to your instincts!

It does ring alarm bells that he's talking serious so soon, worrying that he can just emotionally detatch himself from his child (could be you in the future...) and that he doesn't value people unless they meet his exacting specifications.