to talk to the parents of the children bullying my child? I feel really crap now...

[breakingpoint]

Yesterday dh found out that ds2 (6) was being picked on by 2 boys in his year. He along with two friends were being taunted (sp?)called names etc. He was crying had his hand over his ears and did not want to go to school, it took dh quite a while to get him to talk. As I knew the parents of the boys (not particularly well but well enough to have had a night out with them) I said I would talk to them rather than go into school. First I spoke to one othe the other friends parents and asked if their ds had said anything, they said they hadn't but that made sense as ds had been crying and not wanting to come to school but wound not say why. The third child was off school ill for the second day, a bit of an assumption I know but I thought it might be to do with being picked on. The peices seemed to fit so I had a word with the bullys parents and I thought it went well, I took the first parent aside and told her being carefull to play it down and not use the word bullying, she brought him over got me to tell him off and got him to say sorry. She then went back to the group she was stood with and pointed out the other childs dad and with me told him. He brought child over had a word and got him to appologise. I got my ds to accept appology and shake hands and it was left at that.

This morning I was rounded on by both Mum's saying that they were confused by what was going on as they had both given their children a real telling off last nigh but both children were denying it. They had spoken to someone not involved's child who knew nothing about anything happening. They had spoken to the Mum of the one that had been off ill and found out he had not said anything, I confirmed I had spoken to her last night and she had said her ds had said nothing. They had also spoken to the other child that did not want to go to school and where saying that her ds had not named names (I never said he did). One of the mums had a go at me for using the word bullying saying it was a strong wrod and there children where denying it, I said I said picked on she said you said bullying the whole group heard. I know for sure when I approached her I used picked on as I was being very carefull as I hate this type of confrontation. I vaugely think I may of said bullying later on after she used the word but I can't be sure of what was said. I feel totally ganged up on on they are pretty much demamding more info, for me to find out what happened etc. I have spoken to dh and he is not happy for the subject to be brought up with ds unless he himself brings it up again.

I am now questioning myself and have been dwelling on it all day unable to think of anything else, I am dreading going to pick ds's up and seeing the group all stood there talking about it. I didn't expect this, I can't help thinking I should of just let the school deal with it, but though appraoching the parents would be better for everyone.

I know I am overlly sensitive, worn out etc at the moment. We are 3 months into our first foster placement and it is so much harder more draining etc. than I could of ever imagined and I did something stupid last night that could of spoiled a good friends suprise for another good friend, totaly by accident and that friend is not cross with me (or at least I don't think so!), but it all makes me feel more crap about what I do.

Please help give me some perspective and let me know what do and say to minimise this mess.

Sorry if it makes no sense I thought I hit preview but hit post by mistake .

No matter the details (if you had used the word bully first or not) you clearly set out to do the right thing. Feel good about yourself because you cared enough to deal with it and didn't go looking for a fight as some might.

It's almost impossible to deal with something like this without getting some resentment.

Sounds like a big old mess now. If I were you I would apologise for the situation (not for what you said btw) to those concerned and say that you were just trying to sort out a situation in the best way you could see. Ask them how they think it would be best to deal with in future (concentrate on the future rather than nitpicking who said what etc).

Personally I think I would just go to the school about it in future. They can observe in a more dispassionate way - as the truth is, you will always be biased. I know I have very strong feelings against other children who are not nice to mine!!

Oh I think you just need to try and let it go now if the parents will let you.

Tbh I'm not sure what I'd have done: if it was a one off I may have just let it go but that's not the right thing to do necessarily and I definitely wouldnt have spoken to the other parents because a/ Im a wuss b/ Isnt it just one kid's word against anothers? and c/ the school would need to keep an eye on future behaviour.

That said, it's done now. I would just say. if pushed, that you just wanted to clear the air and were perhaps feeling a little over wrought and maybe should have spoken to the school first but can everyone please just let it go?

Well I do think you were unreasonable - sorry.

I've no doubt you acted with the best of intentions but you should have spoken to a teacher first.

Not sure I'd appreciate being approached by another parent like that. I would though have wanted to discuss it with my dc to hear their version of events before making them apologise.

I do hope your DS is ok though.

You have tried to deal with the bullying really fairly and its not your fault the other parents are so prickly. You havent done anything wrong so hold your head up high when you go into school today. You were being a good parent by trying to sort this out. Some people just get very defensive when their kids are criticized. Their problem/issue not yours.

I think it's sad that your ds is being picked on and is so upset but I would really not get in the habit of tackling other mum's directly about it. Go through the school and let them deal with it. You could have situations like this off and on for years to come and you could end up causing a lot of trouble for yourself and your ds by trying to sort it out yourself.

I always let the school deal with these issues initially, tbh. Only once did I have to approach another parent, and I found out later that she was going through a divorce (it also explains her child's uncharacteristic behaviour towards mine). However, I had spoken to the (useless) teacher before hand.

Oh poor you. These things always get very confusing, and of course their children denied it to them. If I were you I would say I am sorry it has got confused, I honestly thought it would be better to speak to you than the teacher, my ds is quite clear about what happened, but hopefully it will now all be over. With any future incidents with anyone I will speak to the teacher.

I would have tried to find out more about what really happened before talking to the other parents. And if I had spoken to the other parents, it would have been in complete privacy, not in the playground. Sorry if thats not what you want to hear, I can see you meant well and are feeling bad about it now.

I think what I'm saying is that you may have been a little bit U and the parents of the other children are not being U to feel a bit about it all.

Personally I'dhave dealt with bvia the school-i;ve benrounded on twice bt aprentsnce the child had spotted mine as an easy target (my son has AS) and the Dad is known for PFB syndromeand reduced me totearsterrifying me and refuses toaccept it wasaset up even though boy andschoolagreeit was: second time Dad came tomy house, had a go at me about soemthing I beleiveds1probably did say,demanded to know why I hadn'ttoldschoola boy ds1's AS (he ahs a statement and a 1-1of course they know!)and convined me ds1 had stole a toy off his ds:I found ot after that DH ahd bought toy for ds1 but haven't been able to get it baack (dad doesnt do school run, no ideawhere they live- we live close to school so everyone knows where we are).

Anyway thats just my perspective on how thingscan be mroecomplicated than what our children tell us.

Itscertainly right to complain and follow up bullying but I do think the right path is school, then gopvernors,then LEA.

Definitely go through the school next time. (hope for your son and the other boys that there isn't a next time)

In fact, given the reaction of the other kids' mothers (and laughing rather wryly at the "oh my son denied it, therefore it must be so" attitude) I'd have a word with the school anyway, as it might happen that after the parental confrontation, stuff might escalate between the boys again.

Sorry no idea why grin-meant sad face,watching ITNG with ds4 also.

I think you have learnt the hard way that it is always better to do it through the teacher. It is so often difficult to get a clear view of these things as a parent.

At least, they did not confront you with evidence of it actually being your ds who was the bully (as happened to a friend of mine on a similar occasion), so it could have been worse.

Yes, these mums should let it go now and hopefully they will. But you have to recognise that they did exactly what you did: they asked their dcs to tell them what had happened and listened to their version. As you did with your ds. Which is why an objective person is in a better place to deal with this.

I can't believe that people think she should have gone to the school first.

If she knows one of the mums it would look WORSE if she went to the school instead of talking to the mum. Then she would have been rounded on for 'going behind the parents back'.

OP, I don't think you have done anything wrong, you took the facts that your child had given you and attempted to sort it out. You didn't go in all guns blazing, they are more than likely feeling embarrased (as we all would if this happened to us) and have now decided to get together and try to make you feel like you have done something wrong.

It doesn't sound to me like your son was making anything up and their sons are hardly going to say 'oh yeah sorry mum we were bullying him' are they

Hold your head up high, you did the best you could and if they say anything to you, I would just say 'look, my DS was very upset, this is what he told me. I am hardly going to ignore that am I? If you are debating that your sons have done anything wrong, i would be quite happy to go along with you and discuss it with the Head'

a £10 says they don't want to

mii I totally disagree with you. I think the school need to be made aware of any bullying incident between the children so they can keep an eye on them at school. I also think that parents tackling each other in the playground is asking for trouble.

You cant know the insand outs and kids do make things up or pribably more commonly misunderstand things.

I know how gorrid it is to have a bullied child, my DS was attacked by 12 and had shoe sahped bruises, but the aprents aren't at school to watch things,they probably know nothing.Having ahd the experiences I have I willcertainly never just apologise again- I willalways check it out first.

ASchool havea responsibility to stopbullying and unless they know about it howcan they do it?

The verbal attack on me left me crying, shaking and scared to enter the school grounds; DH was scared also,and he used to manage lorry drivers for a living so can take most things. I am not saying OP would do this,clearly it was extreme, but official procedures need to be encouraged and preferably the first step is to arrange a meeting with alledged bully's parents, alledged victims aprents,and teachers.

Next time someone goes like that at school (If obviously) I will be reporting to the police, however it is unlikely to happen again because I now just stand away and refuse to speak to anyone in the play yard. I hope ds1 dosn't do anything to upset anyone anyway,I know it was a rep that led to the accusation, but as I have been refused a SNU palcemnt, extra 1-1 or anything else there is nothing I can do.

I totally agree that buullying ahs to be resolved but approaching parents out of the blue and just laying it on them is the wrong way IMO.

I went to them instead of the school as they are/were friends and yes if I had gone to the school the fall out for doing that behind their backs would of been huge. I was not expecting an appology or even for them to get a telling off, just thought if the kids realised their parents had been told they would stop.

An awful situation to find yourself in but to be honest, I would have spoken to the teacher. Tackling a parent in the playground is my worst nightmare - you just don't know how things will escalate as no one really likes being told that their child has done or said something wrong. I think it's also important that the teacher is aware so that he or she can keep a closer eye on all of the children concerned and I would also trust a teacher to act on claims of name calling without always HAVING to involve the parents.

The school may not have even told the other parents that you had been to see them about it though. They could have kept an eye on the situation and brought the other parents in themsleves or just dealt with the boys at school. I'm not having a go at you as I know you were just trying to do the right thing but I'm speaking from experience of my ds being bullied at school.

OP, I would have a word with your DS's teacher and leave them to handle the bullying. I would also tell the teacher that you spoke to the other parents' and see if they can help you resolve the matter.

I feel very sorry for you. I know how emotional bullying is for the parents (had to deal with it last term) and it sound's like you have your hands pretty full at the moment anyway.

So your child was crying with his hands over his ears, and now these parents have taken their childrens denials as truth? Er, of course their denying it, they're in trouble. You know what, tell them to deal with their kids and teach them how to act properly instead of bothering you.

Sounds like if the parents aren't open to being told that their child is a bully then the kids aren't likely to be very sensitive either.

yanbu to be so upset and talk to them but i'd go to a teacher. it's not a surprise that such parents rear such kids. they will never be wrong.

I personally would find it very hard NOT to say something to the parents as the inner tigress comes out but it's not necessarily in the best interests for the child sadly.