to talk to the parents of the children bullying my child? I feel really crap now...

[breakingpoint]

Yesterday dh found out that ds2 (6) was being picked on by 2 boys in his year. He along with two friends were being taunted (sp?)called names etc. He was crying had his hand over his ears and did not want to go to school, it took dh quite a while to get him to talk. As I knew the parents of the boys (not particularly well but well enough to have had a night out with them) I said I would talk to them rather than go into school. First I spoke to one othe the other friends parents and asked if their ds had said anything, they said they hadn't but that made sense as ds had been crying and not wanting to come to school but wound not say why. The third child was off school ill for the second day, a bit of an assumption I know but I thought it might be to do with being picked on. The peices seemed to fit so I had a word with the bullys parents and I thought it went well, I took the first parent aside and told her being carefull to play it down and not use the word bullying, she brought him over got me to tell him off and got him to say sorry. She then went back to the group she was stood with and pointed out the other childs dad and with me told him. He brought child over had a word and got him to appologise. I got my ds to accept appology and shake hands and it was left at that.

This morning I was rounded on by both Mum's saying that they were confused by what was going on as they had both given their children a real telling off last nigh but both children were denying it. They had spoken to someone not involved's child who knew nothing about anything happening. They had spoken to the Mum of the one that had been off ill and found out he had not said anything, I confirmed I had spoken to her last night and she had said her ds had said nothing. They had also spoken to the other child that did not want to go to school and where saying that her ds had not named names (I never said he did). One of the mums had a go at me for using the word bullying saying it was a strong wrod and there children where denying it, I said I said picked on she said you said bullying the whole group heard. I know for sure when I approached her I used picked on as I was being very carefull as I hate this type of confrontation. I vaugely think I may of said bullying later on after she used the word but I can't be sure of what was said. I feel totally ganged up on on they are pretty much demamding more info, for me to find out what happened etc. I have spoken to dh and he is not happy for the subject to be brought up with ds unless he himself brings it up again.

I am now questioning myself and have been dwelling on it all day unable to think of anything else, I am dreading going to pick ds's up and seeing the group all stood there talking about it. I didn't expect this, I can't help thinking I should of just let the school deal with it, but though appraoching the parents would be better for everyone.

I know I am overlly sensitive, worn out etc at the moment. We are 3 months into our first foster placement and it is so much harder more draining etc. than I could of ever imagined and I did something stupid last night that could of spoiled a good friends suprise for another good friend, totaly by accident and that friend is not cross with me (or at least I don't think so!), but it all makes me feel more crap about what I do.

Please help give me some perspective and let me know what do and say to minimise this mess.

porcamiseria My DS1 has been bullied (he is 9). To answer your question, I think that giving physical confidence is a good idea, but not necessarily for self-defence (that might help though !).

Really helping your DS to have self esteem through out-of-school activities.

Having friends outside school is a good idea too (school can be a bit of a pressure-cooker, and having other people to be with, who they can maybe show a different side of themselves to).

Telling them quite clearly that a true friend is someone who makes them feel good about themselves, who listens to them laughs at their jokes etc.

Encouraging them to talk to someone, and tell the teachers/TAs etc if someone is teasing them or being physical.

Would really endorse the idea of talking to school about what is going on. I am very lucky - DSs school has taken it seriously. I also think that lots of children in primary school are in danger of showing bullying behaviour, and sorting this out now, will help them to stop (and maybe find the reasons behind it), before it becomes entrenched.

Someone on here recommended a book to me which I have found very useful for talking through some of the issues with my son, called :

"Bullies, Big-mouths and So-Called friends". It is maybe a bit old for your son, but might be useful for you to get ideas. Also has lists of websites in the back.

thanks Jamie XXXX

Ahhh, latest conversation (on facebook), tried to keep it to the min as did not want to get into he said she said.

Parent:
Could you please let me know what happened at school today (infants). I understand that A&B had to apologise to DS again. I do not understand why. They had already apologised to him earlier this week in front of parentA & my husband. They both deny bullying him and as you know when we spoke to the other parents who you had said were also involved - they didn't really know what we were talking about as neither DS freind1 or ds freind2 had mentioned being bullied or picked on and neither had mentioned A&B. ParentA and I have both told the boys to stay away from ds, ds friend1 and ds friend2 which has upset them greatly as they enjoy playing ds friend1 and ds friend2 . I assume you have told ds to stay away from A&B and we have done the same.
Thanks
Parent2

ME:
Hi Parent2,
After our conversation on Wednesday morning I felt it was best to let the school deal with it. I explained the situation to teacher and she has taken over from there. Teacher asked me to check back in today after school which I have done and she has informed me that the boys have admitted it to her.

breakingpoint

Parent2:

I will speak to headteacher tomorrow. Both boys deny bullying and I wll take it up with her tomorrow. No apology has been given either to parent1 or I for accusing our children of bullying 3 children ( 2 of which know nothing about this). You accused both boys of bullying 3 children and 2 parents don't know what is going on. I think this is unfair and I will take this further. ds has said things to A&B that we have not bothered reporting, but we will do from now. We asked you to talk to us, but you have decided to take things further. Calling someone baby, is not bullying, as you said that is often mentioned in your home.
Thanks
Parent2

I know I have done nothing wrong but I hate confrontation and am now sat here shaking and dreading going to school in the morning. ds said that it had been said to the other children and I told parent1 and 2 that, at no point have I said it is confirmed. In further conversations over the last few days ds's friends have confirmed A&B are doing it to ds, I have not spoken to parent1 and 2 about it though.

oh dear,what aq mess!

its all quite confusing,what was the actual bullying/picking on incidents? cos i really think if there had been a problem with this in school then the teacher or midday supervisors would have known some of it.

what actually happened?

this is a good example of how to keep it in school,not spill into the playground with all adults baying for blood

They have been taughting him calling him baby and similar during play time and after school while waiting the 15 min until the juniors come out. Not big in itself but taken to the point that he doesn't want to go to school puts his hands over his ears and curls into a ball etc. it is more of a problem. His friends have confirmed it is happening and the bullies have admitted it to the teacher. The problem is the crazy bloody parents. I tried to have a low key conversation it flared up, I took it to the teacher now they are fliping that I didn't come back to them ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Poor you. I can see this is a really stressful situation for you.
I dont really have any advice - lots of good suggestions further down.
Just remember that this will all blow over before long, it really will be fine x

It's the use of this word "bullying" which has got them in a froth. You say you didn't use it, but that is what they have "heard" - and they have completely over-reacted IMO.

I wonder if the school used the word ?

At 6, the children need to be reminded that verbal teasing hurts people's feelings, but it does not mean they are labelled "bully" for the rest of their schooldays.

I would hope that if my DCs were accused of any bad behaviour I wouldn't become so defensive, but sadly, many parents these days don't seem able to step back a bit.

And regarding the e mail - of course the DCs would deny "bullying" - they may well not understand that what they were doing was hurtful

Tiffany The problem is, verbal teasing and bullying does get missed at school, unless the child feels able to tell the teachers or playground supervisors.

My sympathies BTW - it's so stressful when their are problems in the playground (between parents !).

You should hold your head high

Oh, and the last line of her email suggests she has not grasped the issue at all.

Ds' school has absolutely no compunction in using the word "bullying". Where the depute head is brilliant is that she gets the kids to admit that what they were doing is bullying - and that it is worng and that they won't do it again, as they know she will be keeping an eye on them.

She is a scary woman when she is on a roll - but is actually very well liked as she is always fair.

So just to re-iterate, in future just take it stragiht up with the school. Only involve the other parents if the school really hasn't taken it seriously and dealt with it.

In the mean time, don't get drawn into disucssions with the other parents. It's not up to them to decide what is or isn't bullying - it's up to the swchool (and you as the parent of the child affected - ie the child who was the victime) Just keep on saying "I have left it to the school to dea with and don't want to disucss it any more."

Repeat after me, "I have left it to the school to deal with" "I have left it to the school to deal with" "I have left it to the school to deal with"

Good post prettybird.

I actually think it is a bit unfair that it is OK for you to believe your child, but you don't think it is OK for them to do the same. Of course they are going to take their child's side, as you are doing. And from that parent's response is does sound like there has been previous tit-for-tat.

Let it slide, from now on only mention incidents to the teacher. Am not sure these people are really going to want to interact with you that much at all (in either way pleasant/unfriendly), just write them off and move on.

Thanks again everyone. I was such a mess this morning that dh went in to work late and took the ds's to school with me. When we got there parent1&2 had gone in to see the teacher, when they came out dh went and talked to them (i joined them later as was in the middle so something when we spoted them). He has a thick skin and a no nonsense approach so pretty much said we went to the school because ds was not being believed, this is getting silly now, lets draw a line under it right now. They kept drawing me in to disscuss details, which showed they still do not get it but I am really hoping this will be an end to it now.

Unfortunately another friend has said her child is being picked and doesn't want to come to school, she mentioned the baby word. No names have been mentioned, though I have an idea there is more going on as ds friend1 was being called names by by child B yesterday. It is looking like quite a few people are involved it just happened to really get to ds the day he did not want to go to school.

Thanks for all the support the whole thing is such a mine field.

do you not think carrying it on this way and getting your husband involved is just making it worse?/

i think a special school assembly on the effects of name calling might be in order here.....then that really does need to be the end of this

In no time at all the children will have forgotten all about this and be playing together again.

The adults will have fallen out permanently.

All of this should have been left to the school and it still isn't being left to the school. You really should stop discussing this with other parents.

I really feel for you and I hope you are not feeling to bad today.
My sister was in a situation with some parents and children at her school a while back and in the end invited them all round her house to play and gave them a really good time. It calmed the whole thing down and the kids involved became friends. It would be good for the kids to see the parents getting along too as they will copy the parents and hopefully put it all behind them.
Lots of luck.

Morloth - I have no problem with them being on their childrens side of course they would be! A quick 'if you are doing it please don't as it's not nice and it hurts peoples feelings' would of been fine I wasn't even bothered about the boys giving an appology, I really wanted to keep it low key. What I didn't expect though was for them to turn on ds and me suggesting we were making it up and expecting us to appologise.

Tiffany - There needed to be a discussion and I was not up to it they are strong women and I am not. It was all pleasent and polite and has been agreed that this is an end to it and if there is any more trouble we will all go into school. So I hope it will all be left now.

I won't be getting involved with the other stuff. The school knows what has happened, so if more comes out of the wood work from others, they already have the info they need. I was just saying it as back up that we were not making it all up. I know you didn't say I was, it's just the way these mum's have got me doubting myself and feeling the need to justify everything.

Getting into a debate on Facebook was never going to be a good idea, though.

Agree deal with taking any future concerns through the school, minor or major. DS has nails raked down his face in infants leaving a scar that's just about now faded. I had parents asking me if I was going to sue fgs!! But dh did go up to the school on that occasion! Am also friendly with a mum who has a challenging child but when there are occasionally issues between him and ds again school are the port of call, so that there aren't any tensions between us and she can talk to me about her ds knowing I'm supportive.

If you have to reply on FB (don't know the etiquette) then be neutral and calm, e.g:

"The school were approached about concerns re ds' reluctance to attend school after some name calling. It is not a major incident nor bullying but it was having an adverse affect on ds. It's been left it in the school's hands who have dealt with it in a low key and sensitive way as part and parcel of infant friendships. Thanks to those who've seen it for what it is and for encouraging ds."

MillyR - I really have tried to not get drawn in to conversations, untill dh said something in front of friends this morning I had talked to no one other than those involved and even then kept the coversation to a min. It has been so difficult standing in the playground with their circle all talking about it meanwhile I was stood with my friends and no one knew anything. When they approached me directly though I couldn't just say absolutly nothing as that would of been taken as really rude.

Rotool - glad your sister worked it out well, that sounds far nicer. I'm affraid I am far to much of a wuss to invite them all around I think I'm just going to go back to burrying my head in the sand, telling ds to ignoore names etc. seems to be what everyone around me does and it causes less trouble. We live in a very small town with a very small school, no one wants to rock the boat etc.

Thanks Jamie and Pretty nice to hear that I am not going mad (the first one for quite a few days).

Jeee and Heated - I was very carefull not to get into an FB gossip situation. Parent2 sent me a private message had I just ingnoored it, she would of confronted me in the morning so I tried to just be poilte back and let her know why I had gone to school, I hope it came across as polite. I have certainly but nothing on profile page nor would I.

I think you almost did the right thing, but dealing with situations like this is basically you and bully´s parents taking over from the kids, that way everyone ends up arguing! Also, kids that age exagerate and it´s hard to KNOW the exact truth...

For next time, do it through the teacher.

Trouble is you are dealing with the fallout of what you unwittingly set in train

Stuff at school needs to be dealt with at school! Talking to the parents in the first instance, then getting into a debate on facebook of all places, is not at all sending out the message to the other parents that you don't want to engage or are trying to keep conversation about this to a minimum!

If someone approaches you direct you can simply say "It's a school issue, school are dealing with it".

I think you have had everyone's interests at heart and you sound a really nice person - but you are allowing yourself to be drawn further and further in to a storm in a tea cup, don't let others dominate you, just assertively take yourself out of the equation.

actually - 'it is a school issue, school are dealing with it and( nice smile) it will only get really muddled if the parents get involved and none of us want that do we. that would just be an over reaction and silly. Isn't the rain miserable....'