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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my parents to my wedding?

47 replies

arolf · 18/01/2010 19:58

DP and I are finally tying the knot soon. We have decided to have a very small wedding here, then a blessing/reception in his native country (we've settled in my country, so I feel this is only fair!).

My parents have been telling us just to elope as they don't want the expense of a wedding to bother with for ages. Since we've told them about our plans, they have spent every conversation nagging me to have the wedding in their town (they live in Scotland, DP is from Central Europe, we live in SE England), and telling me what to wear, when suits them, and generally wearing me down with their constant berating of any choice DP and I make. They have pointed out on far too many occasions for my liking that DS is a bastard and always will be (he is, and I know that, but he's my bastard). I am the oldest of 3 daughters, and my sisters will both have huge flamboyant weddings in the UK, so it's not like they won't have any future weddings to go to.

So, although we are inviting the whole family to our blessing/reception, we don't want anyone except ourselves, DS, and 2 witnesses (our neighbours who are good friends) at the small official ceremony here. We are having it on a weekday due to cost, and as both my parents work FT, it won't be easy for them to get to it.

AIB deeply unreasonable in not wanting them at the small ceremony?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 18/01/2010 20:00

YANBU. Your parents call your kid a bastard? That's really sad

claraquack · 18/01/2010 20:03

Up to you. I had a tiny wedding (me, dh, two friends as witnesses) overseas, where we lived at the time, and didn't invite any members of my family. Getting married was more of a practical thing for us and no big deal. I never, ever wanted the big white wedding with everyone watching you.

HOWEVER. My parents were not the type to be upset by this. Not sure I would have excluded them had they been.

claraquack · 18/01/2010 20:04

Btw, how old is your DS? Why do your parents call him a bastard? Do you mean in the literal sense of the word because he was born out of wedlock? Are your parents very traditional?

kinnies · 18/01/2010 20:06

What MrsMattie said and

GhoulsAreLoud · 18/01/2010 20:06

Why are you excluding them? The OP reads as though there's a touch of spite because they've started to try to interfere. If that's why they're not invited then YABU.

If you wouldn't want them there regardless then I guess NBU but I can't personally understand wanting my good neighbours there and not my parents (if there have been no fall outs with them).

mamakoukla · 18/01/2010 20:07

I can understand your point. It is your day so you call the shots. Be firm, but not unsympathetic.

Your parents are going to have to realise that you are old enough to have a say in your own life and that they shouldn't speak about your son like that. Have you ever told them to stop? Do they not realise that your marital status when he was born doesn't mean a thing to the potential of this child? I hope they never say this within earshot of him. I am very too - it is mean and cruel.

I can understand why you don't want to have a negative influence around you but will this (a) be a source of regret to you in the future?, and (b) cause a rift?

Take care; this must be rather stressful to you.

TheArmadillo · 18/01/2010 20:08

YANBU

I am getting married in a couple of months - very small wedding (though not quite as small as yours) and am not inviting my parents.

You do have the right to have the wedding you want - the blessing/reception sounds a good compromise. If they will upset you and it ruins the day then why should you have to put up with that.

Original poster
arolf · 18/01/2010 20:12

it's not spite ghouls - I'm not sure what it is. DP doesn't want them there, I'd love my mum to be there if she wasn't so constantly disappointed in me - my dad will just dominate proceedings if he's there, but if challenged will make us out to be unreasonable (case in point - my graduations. 1st one, he turned up in his robes, told me a 2.1 was ok, but remember he got a 1st. 2nd one, he spent the whole time networking and telling everyone he met that of course, arolf isn't the first dr in the family. it was tiring)

just not sure what to do.

and yes, bastard in traditional sense, they think it's hilarious.

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 18/01/2010 20:16

Well whatever you think they think of you they obviously care enough about you to want to see you get married.

But of course it's your choice who you invite and if your relationship is as damaged as you seem to be saying it is then perhaps it's for the best.

Do they know how you feel about them, btw?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 18/01/2010 20:17

If they told you to elope why they are annoyed if you get married miles away?

Original poster
arolf · 18/01/2010 20:32

thanks ghouls - I think I'm going to have to invite them now so i don't regret it forevewr. you've probably knocked some sense into me
i have tried telling them how i feel and they always always turn it into me being an ungrateful bitch with no sense of humour. so have givenup.
thanks though.

OP posts:
ILovePlayingDarts · 18/01/2010 20:38

Once you are married, your ds will NOT be a bastard, even legally. The wedding legitimises his birth in the eyes of the law, even though the wedding is after the event!

Original poster
arolf · 18/01/2010 20:41

not the case ILove - even the registrar told us that! (I asked her )

OP posts:
ILovePlayingDarts · 18/01/2010 20:44

Weird,

When we registered our two dcs, it was made clear to us that it would be the case.

gtamom · 18/01/2010 20:46

"So, although we are inviting the whole family to our blessing/reception, we don't want anyone except ourselves, DS, and 2 witnesses (our neighbours who are good friends) at the small official ceremony here. We are having it on a weekday due to cost, and as both my parents work FT, it won't be easy for them to get to it.

AIB deeply unreasonable in not wanting them at the small ceremony?"

YANBU at all. You in a sense are eloping, and they will be at the blessing ceremony you plan to have later on.

Calling your son a bastard is horrible, I would address that with them, tell them not to say it again.

mum2all · 18/01/2010 20:50

ILove - it does legitimise their births under Scottish law but perhaps not under english?

emskaboo · 18/01/2010 21:34

It legitimises them under English law too, your registrar is a twunt! The Legitimacy Act 1926

MagicNappySack · 18/01/2010 22:37

I'm sure emskaboo is right - we are in the process of legitimising our DD at the mo. Horrible thing to call your DC. Do your parents say you have no sense of humour when you get upset by this?

Original poster
arolf · 19/01/2010 18:20

thanks - i may have worded my question to the registrar oddly then, to get the response i did!

made the mistake of inviting parents who have told me how thoughtless and selfish i am and asked me to uninvite friends (as parents don't know them) and change the post ceremony celebration (we planned a pub lunch, which we've been told is not acceptable).

think I'm going to have to grit my teeth a lot!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2010 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

phokoje · 19/01/2010 18:26

a friend of mine had 'challenging' parents, when she got married she seriously considered not inviting them, and not having her dad walk her down the aisle.

but after much thought she eventually did invite them and did have her dad walk her down the aisle. i asked her why (had been supportive of her not having them as basically they are not nice) and she said that she invited them for all the things they did right by her, not all the wrong.

i was very impressed by her wisdom and even though they were not fun at the wedding, she didnt have to cart guilt around about it.

Original poster
arolf · 19/01/2010 18:32

thanks phokoje - that's kind of how I should see it! my parents mean well, but can be very thoughtless and at times positively nasty, but they have done a lot right. don't want to punish them, which is what they'd think if I changed my mind! just wish they'd treat me like an adult...

OP posts:
starkadder · 19/01/2010 18:33

YANBU. Don't invite them - as long as you really don't invite anyone else either. You could even get 2 strangers off the street to be witnesses, then they can't possibly be offended...! Well, they probably can, but no reason to.

pranma · 19/01/2010 18:36

If you dont invite them then you will cause a rift that will never heal.I dont think you can begin to imagine the hurt you will cause if you dont invite them yo their dd's wedding-just imagine the hurt and rejection they will feel.YABU

nellie12 · 19/01/2010 18:47

tbh if anyone called my dc bastards then there would already be a rift.

Invite them but if it were me I would be telling them were the boundaries are and stick to them.

I think when parents are like this they are either toxic or have not accepted that you are an adult. The only way to make them accept you as an adult is to stick to your opinions and values. They will have to accept it at some point.

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