to not invite my parents to my wedding?

[arolf]

DP and I are finally tying the knot soon. We have decided to have a very small wedding here, then a blessing/reception in his native country (we've settled in my country, so I feel this is only fair!).

My parents have been telling us just to elope as they don't want the expense of a wedding to bother with for ages. Since we've told them about our plans, they have spent every conversation nagging me to have the wedding in their town (they live in Scotland, DP is from Central Europe, we live in SE England), and telling me what to wear, when suits them, and generally wearing me down with their constant berating of any choice DP and I make. They have pointed out on far too many occasions for my liking that DS is a bastard and always will be (he is, and I know that, but he's my bastard). I am the oldest of 3 daughters, and my sisters will both have huge flamboyant weddings in the UK, so it's not like they won't have any future weddings to go to.

So, although we are inviting the whole family to our blessing/reception, we don't want anyone except ourselves, DS, and 2 witnesses (our neighbours who are good friends) at the small official ceremony here. We are having it on a weekday due to cost, and as both my parents work FT, it won't be easy for them to get to it.

AIB deeply unreasonable in not wanting them at the small ceremony?

YANBU - dh & i had our first child out of wedlock , when i was 5 months pregnant we went to his older sisters birthday to which she called my unborn ds a bastard loud enough for everyone to stop talking & stare in horror, i was mortified , her reasoning was she would not apologise as she meant it in a literal sense , we fell out afterwards & haven't seen or spoken to each other in 10rs now .
i really think you should have the wedding you would prefer tbh , but maybe you could talk to them & explain your concerns .

well, had long lecture from my father in which he accused me of being unfeeling, manipulative, and evil. so we've cancelled the wedding for the time being, and DP is regretting getting involved with my family!

I don't blame your DP to be honest, don't you think its time you stood up to these people now arolf?

Your parents sound incredibly manipulative. It has all turnd out exactly how they want it now hasn't it? You have cancelled your wedding and no doubt when you re-plan it will end up being much more acceptable to them because subconciously you will be wanting to accommodate them after the fuss they made this time.

Quite frankly they sound horrible and as for the calling your son a bastard, thinking it is amusing, well it just isn't is it? Which they probably know but just do it to piss you off and keep you in your place. Why not call him "a happy surprise" or something like that if they have to refer to him being born when you were unmarried at all? why a label with such negative connotations?

I would suggest you take a look at the Stately Homes Thread in Relationships because your parents sound pretty toxic to me.

subconsciously

please dont cancel your wedding. It is your life you are not evil. Leave your parents to fester - they sound as though they deserve to.

go and have a lovely wedding, enjoy the day and remind dp that you are not them.

Really hard decision. They do sound toxic.
We had a very small wedding, and my parents were not invited. This was because they had refused all invitations to meet my husband-to-be before the wedding.
Our relationship is irretrievably damaged, but on my side it was already.

If your parents don't come, be prepared for retaliations later.
Calling your ds a bastard is unforgiveable, imo.

oh, forgot to say, dont invite the parents!

You've CANCELLED it?

Re-book immediately! You've got to, really you have. You can't let them carry on ruling your life like this.

Oh god arolf - stand up to them. Get the wedding back on and do it without them.

You are moving on to a new family unit now. Too bad if the old one can't be happy for you.

And get the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward from Amazon.

I'm sorry but your parents sound more than a little interfering, i'd say positively toxic . They have no right to talk to you in the way they do and to constantly keep putting you down and acting like you are to blame for everything.

If you do rearrange the wedding, I would not invite them.

I invited my toxic parents to mine (I had no choice they would have turned up and ruined it anyway) and I regret it. I don't have lots of happy memories of my day, just mostly memories of the way in which they ruined it . There were good bits in between but I bascially wish they hadn't been there.

It's not you, it's them. It's your day and you are an adult who deserves to be treated like one.

Arolf - your parents are being very unreasonable and sound highly toxic

I maybe off the mark but I suspect these issues run deeper than your wedding.

Please try to ignore those telling you that YABU. People with normal, loving parents don't always understand

Maybe this is not the right thread? Try one of the relationship threads?

From the snippets you have revealed on here, I think you need to stop their control over you. I think they are controlling, manipulative and selfish and I suspect you have been deeply hurt by them time and time again

I speak from experience. Stop letting them run your life and remember that the good they have done, doesn't render the bad things obselete. It may be that you need to establish some firm boundaries and even talk to a counsellor about this.

Good luck and sorry if I am way off the mark. I haven't looked at this thread in a long time and yours just caught my attention

Oh, how crap for you both, I don?t think you were being at all unreasonable by not wanting your parents at your wedding. I hate the B word so much, it is so vile and outdated.

My own parents are lovely, however, our relationship has not always been rosy and they certainly do NOT agree with the way in which I live my life. I?ve had so much angst to deal with over the years that I had to reach a point where I just had to lead my life as I saw best, not as they did.

For every comment etc that my parents make or have made that makes me feel crap, I say very strongly to myself, this is not fact, it is just OPINION, it does not make it fact. I have a different opinion. This does not make me wrong.

If you feel it is the right thing for you and your partner to have a wedding without family then you are completely reasonable in choosing that option. If my partner and I decide to get married it will be on a week day with two close friends because that is what we feel is best for our situation.

Good luck and I hope you get a chance to re-book when it all dies down?.

What everyone else said. Don't cancel the wedding. Clearly nothing you do is going to be good enough for these people. They're not proud of their grandchildren, their daughter's doctorate, or your upcoming nuptials?

Screw them, have your pub lunch and your friendly wedding, and invite us instead.

Please come back arolf! You could have a virtual wedding on MN! Like one of the webchats. Get the vicar/whatever into MN Towers and you and dh do it online with all of us as witnesses!

fantastic idea!
Actually, what we've (well, DP and my bloody father) decided is to have 1 big wedding in DP's country. More expensive, more complicated, but ultimately, it removes the issue of who gets to witness the wedding ceremony - all family will be invited, those who can't make it, tough.

Problem is, I REALLY hate weddings, don't see the point in all the fuss/expense, so the actual wedding with whole family/friends there is a compromise with DP (I want to elope - he doesn't, and really wants his dad there - so why punish his dad just because my family are twunts?!). So I'm being the worst bride to be ever (honestly, am in 'trouble' with DP because I said 'oh, I saw a nice cream dress for 20 quid in the sales, would be ok for wedding dress' - he rolled his eyes a lot at that ).

I've decided that however awful my parents are being, they obviously want to come, so I should let them on OUR terms. My dad and his mother loathe eachother (gosh, looks like history repeating itself, eh?), and I don't want that for myself, 20+ years of being incommunicado. Plus, I want my DS to have a sort of relationship with his grandparents, and if he decides they are tossers when he's older, fine. But I don't want to dictate - not fair on him.

So I'm gritting my teeth, apologising to my mother, not speaking to my father, and generally being as reasonable and adult as I can be on ~3 hrs sleep a night (DS is 4 months and hasn't quite grasped the 'I'm tired so I shall sleep' thing...)

thanks for all the advice/support on here - means a lot

I'm so glad it's on again. You're being the bigger person and can use it to your advantage for years to come Do make sure that what happens IS on your terms and if they start acting up again, just do it your way instead.

I used a dress I'd got in the sales but not really worn, for my wedding - it was dark blue. I'd wanted to elope, dh didn't, so we wound up with the most boring registry office do you can imagine. Luckily, I jumped over his 'sword' the next day at the site of an altar in ancient times, so I take that as my real wedding!

Glad your ds is too young to understand the bastard thing and you have plenty of time to deal with that.

It's not too late to ask Justine et al about the MN wedding....