DH Female friends

[good2talk]

After challenging my DH over what I felt was inappropriately familiar terms of endearment with two of his female friends on texts. He agreed that he would omit the "honeys" and" babes" from his texts. However, since then he now deletes all incoming and outgoing texts to his female friends. He now denies contacting one of his f/male friends, even though the telephone records say otherwise. He says they made a mistake, do they? I rang Virgin and they said otherwise. I don't believe my DH is cheating but I think he may be lying. Shd I just let this go? it's only text speak, but i've just had a baby(dec09) and I want my DH to call me babes and honey, not other women!

YANBU although i'm a tad confused. Do you know these women?

Whats the big deal? Tbh it sounds like insecurity on your part, which, if you nag about it voice your dislike of DH being friendly, could lead to a row which just escalates.

Do you have the same problem with him callig male friends "Mate", "Buddy", etc?

My best friend is male. We've known each other over 30 years and he'll often call me darling or hun. This does not mean that I envy his adoring and lovely partner or that I'm a threat to their relationship. The threat would come from Simon who, if he had a DP dictating to him about what he could and couldn't call his pals, would have some serious words to say to that DP.

Please, unless you really think that there is something in it, let it slide. Its not important, pick your battles.

It is worrying that he has started to hide things from you though...

Get the bunny off of the stove now!

You have issues it seems that you need to address and I think they sound so deep seayed that whetever your poor DH does will be wrong.

i agree that its odd that he has started to hide things and lie, but could it be that he just doesnt want a scene if he says "oh, that was sarah on the phone". and it could be that he is deleting his messages because he knows you check them and would get upset if there were messages from his female friends on there. having friends of the opposite sex does not mean that he will be unfaithful.

i think perhaps YABU, but it is understandable. you are feeling vulnerable.

FFS, the OP is NOT a bunny boiler!! how bloody unkind.

her "poor" DH has been calling other women honey and babes, and she is the one with the problem???? WHAT??

there is no problem having female friends, but to call them honey or babes is inappropriate, unless he is either gay or 12

and in text it is more deliberate than a turn of phrase - one of DPs friends calls me luv (drives me mad!) i could almost imagine him calling me babe, but not in a text.

Im not saying that there is anything going on, but its inconsiderate in the extreme - she has just had a baby, feels vulnerable - absolutely right he shouldnt be calling other women this. Bugger me, whatever happened to the sisterhood!

and more to the point "honey" and "babes"!!, well its a bit common isnt it!

op, is there a particular friend that you are upset about? has he always been like this?

tbh, dh has an issue with a male friend of mine who happens to be an old bf. a while ago he became convinced we were having an affair (he was depressed and things got out of hand) there was nothing going on, but i started deleting texts from my friend and call records on my mobile, because i couldnt stand yet another confrontation. I am not saying the op is to blame, but i am saying that there isnt necessarily anything bad happening

I disagree. I don't think it is either the OPs right or in her best interest to dictate what words can be used between friends to a grown man, regardless of his relationship to her.

These are words. The OPs DH is not, as far as she knows, shagging his friends, but the OP is checking up on him as if he is and treating him like a child.

If this were my male friend he would put his DP straight in no uncertain terms... and that's where problems would really begin.

As I said, pick your battles.

I agree that checking your dh's phone calls shows no trust, however in this case the op is right isn't she.
He's clearly given her cause for concern and her checking with the phone company is justified in this case as it turns out that he has made these phone calls that he denies having made.

I'm sorry but any sympathy for the DH went down the toilet once he started lying and hiding things. |'m astonished that anyone would think otherwise especially given the n. of threads on here where it is stated that the main problem with a bloke having an affair is the lying and the deceit etc

If your DH had stood up to you and said "yabu there is nothing to it" then I would have some sympathy with him (although given your circumstance with a new baby and all would think that he could cut you some slack). As it is... talk about acting in a way guaranteed to cause paranoia.

Finally - I agreee - I don't think phone companies do make mistakes like that.

Yadnbu

well if there is no trust, one has to ask why?

I check my DPs texts all the time, not because i don't trust him, but cos im nosey!! lol

I'd be inclined to think that he was deleting the texts to his female friends for the sake of a quiet life, not because he had anything more than a chat with a mate to hide.

(And I'm am certainly not unaware of the way men act when they start/have affairs, believe me).

i would never dream of checking dh's texts, emails, facebook or call records... its none of my business who he is talking to and when. just as its none of his business who i talk to and when.

ps, i also call EVERYONE sweets, sweetheart, lovey etc... doesnt mean a thing. he is the only man i call my husband.

On another side, my DH also had a female friend. I just knew something was up and after asking him a few times (over a few weeks) and still getting 'nothing is going on', I did look through his phone. Am I proud of it, no. However, I just had to know. I am not saying it was right but I also just had a baby and also PND so don't think I was in my right mind anyway. Turns out...there was something going on. I am not saying that your DH is lying or covering up something, but you do have a right to your feelings and if you are upset about it he should understand. Of course you are feeling insecure having just had a baby. Also, we don't know your past so there may be some other reason to have insecurities...and it is not my place to say that your feelings are uncalled for or stupid.

Talk to him. Tell him that you feel strongly about it. He may not understand at first, but hopefully he will see that your feelings are more important than typing 'babes' to another person regardless.

Also, try try try to not go through his phone again as tempting as it is. If you want to trust him you need give him a chance to show you can. Hopefully if you talk and make some pact he will see that and be able to relax and know your both on the same page

OP, was this an issue for you before you had your baby?

Personally, I wouldn't be happy. My DH has female friends, but wouldn't generally text them, and has always included me in their friendships. (They live v far away, so not very frequent contact).

The reason I ask if it was an issue before the baby (and btw, congratulations!), is that I wonder if it has become magnified for you because you are so vulnerable. (although, as I say, I don't personally think it is acceptable behaviour, either the terms of endearment, covering his tracks, or the lies).

I think there is a lot of pressure on new mums to bounce back quickly and be yummy mummies etc. As another poster said, you need to pick your battles and to take care of yourself and your new baby. Try your best to put this out of your mind(and you may need to give yourself a stern talking to in order to do that), and if it continues to be an issue in a few months time, then you can address it, when you are stronger. Look after yourself.

It is a shame your DH is not being a bit more supportive of you at the moment.

He shouldn't be making you feel so insecure you have to check up on him.

On the other hand, having female friends is nothing to worry about as long as they are friends.

He should be being more supportive right now & is being a bit insensitive to treat you this way.

Do you feel he loves you? If so, show him you need him, I hope he'll respond & stop worrying about others, even though you are bound to worry right now.

Honey? Babes? Really? You think that's inappropriate? Do you feel you own your husband to the extent that terms of endearment are for you only?

YABU.

Good2talk

First can someone elighten little old me to yadnbu etc...?!

I don't blame you. My ex-'d'h called his female friends (and they were legion) 'babe' etc in texts, calls, face to face.

Long story short and all...

After a midwife appt when I was 7 months pregnant, I decided enough was enough and searched his emails...nothing. Still not happy I went on his Facebook account (I don't have one so was a bit out of my depth!) and oh my bloody good god.

6 months later I left him.

Now I'm not saying that your dh is being naughty at all, but I understand your concern. And I feel he should understand yours and talk candidly to you about it. But we all know that the chances are you're not to get him to.

But he needs to understand how vulnerable you feel, and let's face it, probably a bit lonely when he's at work, no matter how many baby groups you get out to. I think you really need to try to get a civilised conversation going, when you're both relaxed (difficult with a tiny one I know!) and have a bot of time one evening, perhaps the weekend when he's not been at work, and tell him how you feel first, and how his relationship with his female friends makes you feel and just ask him to be honest with you.

Then I guess you have to figure through his responses and see where it leaves you.

I don't know if this is helpful - sure it probably isn't. But I had such a bad experience with a similar thing that I'm bound to be negative. The main thing to remember is that if it makes you feel like this, it IS real, and needs dealing with and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT, tho remember too that your hormones will still be manic!!!

Take care and I hope it all works out!

xxx

he's only deleting the messages because YOU'RE CHECKING HIS PHONE... i love my partner dearly but if i thought he was reading my private communications with my best friends (male or female) then i'd hide them too. sometimes i blow of steam or say things to my best friends that i wouldn't want OH to hear. Even though, as i said, i love him 100%.

don't cut him off from his friends (and as there's more than one female friend you mention it sounds like there's no affair to be worried about) we all need friends and if you try to cut him off then he'll feel trapped.