DH Female friends

[good2talk]

After challenging my DH over what I felt was inappropriately familiar terms of endearment with two of his female friends on texts. He agreed that he would omit the "honeys" and" babes" from his texts. However, since then he now deletes all incoming and outgoing texts to his female friends. He now denies contacting one of his f/male friends, even though the telephone records say otherwise. He says they made a mistake, do they? I rang Virgin and they said otherwise. I don't believe my DH is cheating but I think he may be lying. Shd I just let this go? it's only text speak, but i've just had a baby(dec09) and I want my DH to call me babes and honey, not other women!

I often start a text or e-mail 'hey gorgeous' to both male & female friends. It wouldn't concern me if dh did it (although babes would make me cringe)

I guess I would stop if dh said it bothered him, but he wouldn't be the man I think he is, if it did.

Did that make any sense at all???

That's true Dittany, I think I flirt with my male & female friends equally

YANBU. Interesting that it is his FEMALE friends' texts that get deleted. No, perhaps texts shouldn't be checked out by the OP, but ffs she has just had a baby and her dp has done nothing to make her feel more secure at a time when she really could do with the support. Gah!

Based on what you have said good2talk I think there is a trust/communication issue too. IME people don't normally go snooping around in relationships that are OK. It could be that you are paranoid about history repeating, or that he is behaving inappropriately or a combination of both. To make a strong relationship you need trust but above all you need communication and commitment.

You need to have a good talk about it and face up to your issues surrounding your ex together if you can. It is not very nice of him to be flattering other women just after you have given birth, I would think this, as well as the 'honey' and 'babes' (does anyone who is worth anything actually call anyone this?!) was quite disrespectful to you but your snooping was quite disrespectful to him. Have a big talk and see where you stand. Telling stupid lies to cover up texting other women is not an encouraging sign though.

is he a pimp?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's with you so why can't he just call you the pet names. He doesn't need to be like that with them, it's a little disrespectful.

There's no need to nag on at him or check his phone, but if he knows you're uncomfortable with him being so lovey-dovey with them he should be putting you at ease. If he's deleting txts then I'd say he's still calling them these things and hiding it from you. Which isn't great.

ron, that is quite naughty

Dittany: the thing is with insecure people is the more you indulge them, the more insecure, demanding and whiny they get. Insecurity is not something that can be fixed by controlling other people's behaviour, you have to build up your own self-esteem so you are not so dependent on other people for feelings of self-worth.
Just because women very rarely abuse their partners by means of physical violence doesn't mean that self-obsessed controlling behaviour shouldn't be stepped on hard from the beginning (snooping, unwarranted accusations, insistence on stopping behaviour that most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at). If a man started policing his wife's texts or snooping on her computer history, everyone would be saying watch out, dump him, call WA...

that ID happen to a mate of a mate
he was running an escourt business

sorry, cant resist but it was fatal attraction not basic instinct with the boiling of the bunny.

I feel sad that the OP feels that she should just accept anything her DH does just to keep the peace, or not be a "bunny boiler" old friend? well maybe but why the hell is he messaging a woman from an evening class??? its all a bit if you ask me

I'd never dream of checking my husband's phone, and'd go apeshit if I caught him controlling mine. Neither of us has anything to hide.

I agree that women don't have the history of owning men, but i think that's why it's important for everyone to get over the idea that people are property, not for women to pursue the idea that you can own someone else. And given that people have so many different views on what is and is not acceptable behaviour in an agreed monogamous relationship, i really don;t think that adopting a default position of 'the insecure whiner is always RIGHT' is a good idea.

dittany, Im sorry but I think you are totally wrong. there appears to be a knee jerk reaction to a thread such as this, whatever side the OP is on, be it the insecure woman who feels the need to check up on her dh or the woman whose dh is uncomfortable with her friendships and checks her phone/emails. the response is invariably "he is being insensitive/controlling. how dare he treat you like this... etc, etc" it has nothing to do with ownership of spouses (wtf) and everything to do with "both sexes are equal but we will always come down on the womans side". Im not saying that his behaviour is right. his wife is (understandably) feeling insecure and wants his validation. but she cannot keep going through his phone and checking up on him. respect and trust are two way streets

I do know the history, the wtf was because I dont think that it has any real relevance. there are people (not just men) who feel that they "own" their partners and being in an exclusive relationship gives them the rightto dictate friends, clothing and appearance. some people enjoy being in those type of relationship. but i dont think that it has anything to do with the history of women as chattels.

yes, though. we should just agree to disagree.