DH Female friends

[good2talk]

After challenging my DH over what I felt was inappropriately familiar terms of endearment with two of his female friends on texts. He agreed that he would omit the "honeys" and" babes" from his texts. However, since then he now deletes all incoming and outgoing texts to his female friends. He now denies contacting one of his f/male friends, even though the telephone records say otherwise. He says they made a mistake, do they? I rang Virgin and they said otherwise. I don't believe my DH is cheating but I think he may be lying. Shd I just let this go? it's only text speak, but i've just had a baby(dec09) and I want my DH to call me babes and honey, not other women!

Agree- communication and trust seems to be the issue..I know how that feels...

Good luck...what are you planning to do about how you feel, if anything? I hope you don't mind, but he sounds quite young?

Congrats on the baby btw...it's shitty to be feeling like this at this stage of your life..

I thin it depends if he is using them as "terms of endearment".

TBH I think they are only suited to teenagers

Dittany- I agree.

Also 'only words'..?? Words and the way they are used, interpreted, what they convey..etc well that is INCREDIBLY important..isn't communication a cornerstone of any relationship?

dittany, imho you state your boundaries to a child or teenager, someone for whom you are responsible and are raising and guiding, not to a grown man. What would his punishment be if he refused to stop addressing people with words which were outside of those boundaries?

YANBU. I have been through this with DH. It was a while ago, before we got married and he had a tendency to lie about things, and was very over friendly with his female friends. It bugged the hell out of me.
Even if they are 'only words', they have connotations...and I didn't want him using the same pet names he does for me on his friends! It's about respect, I told him I didn't like it, and that selfish or not I needed to feel that I was more special to him.
I only started feeling like this though after we had a few problems regarding his lies about other women, and I said I was happy to put that all in the past as long as he made it clear they were just friends, and that was part of it. YANBU, it's not a lot to ask.

Would have been fine with me while it was in the open, not so fine that he is hiding shit now though.

ok, turn it around. the op comes on and says that her dh has a problem with her male friends. he doesnt like her contacting them and calling them sweetheart. he checks her text messages, her phone and has even rang the phone company to find out whether she has been calling them.

would you be saying YABU? that he is right to dictate her friends and how she speaks to them? or would he be a controlling twat with trust issues?

op, not saying you are a controlling twat at all just saying that there are always two sides.

"What would his punishment be if he refused to stop addressing people with words which were outside of those boundaries? "

Oh i dont go in for punishments, its childish, but is something was bothering me, and my DP refused to stop doing it - um, well, i'd probably assume he had no respect for me and leave

Bliney - if this were a man posting the original question people would be calling him a controlling twunt!

Queen, in answer to your question, if my partner told me that I shouldn't address Simon in terms of endearment, if he read my texts and checked up on me with my phone company he'd be out of the sodding door!

As I said, acting like this could cause all manner of further arguments which may just snowball out of control.

LucyEMA, you'd leave your husband and break up your faily because he refused to agree to your demands to stop calling his friends affectionate names?

Really?

dittany - a couple of Simon's girlfriends (oh and he's had a few!) did have real issues with me being his best friend and it doubtless did play at least a part in the break-down of those relationships.

That isn't what i said though is it - i said, if he was doing something that made me uncomfortable and he didn't respect me anough to stop, i can't really see what choice i would have

Agree with lucy. My partner thinks I am crazy sometimes (and I can see why!) but he never questions. If something makes me upset he respects that and deals with it. Like wise with him. He told me about an issue he had recently and I thought he was bonkers...but I respect him and did it anyway...

but surely it shows a lack of respect to check up on your dh all the time too?

where is the op?

Oh,PS dittany, I should have added that couple of Simon's relationships may have broken down because of me in part and...

...the last time that happened we would have been about 16.

she is probably upset because was called a bunny boiler!

emma, you are absolutely right - I put my DP through HELL when i had PND, checking his phone would have been the least of his worries - fucking hell, i was accusing him of sleeping with clients!! THAT is bunny boiling, but because he loves and respects me, he took steps to reassure me that of course, he wasn't sleeping with clients, that they weren't laughing at me behind my back - that was DESPITE me trying to scald him in the shower, DESPITE me trying to stab him with a kitchen knife and despite me basically following him everywhere he went. Ordering him home from work at the drop of a hat - yes, thats extreme, but i wasn't well - you lot would have me on my own now because i DARED to question my partner

i think as a rule you have less to worry about with friends, there will have been the chance presented before to move into something more, and whether it did or didnt it was for a reason and your OH chose YOU not THEM

i'd be worried if it was some random woman that he just met, not a friend.

and maybe, just maybe he is struggling with parenthood too and wants support as well.

I don't think anyone would criticise someone checking phone details etc if the OP had uncovered an affair or something more serious. So is that one of those things where the action is only justified by the result>

Emma I totally agree. If something upsets you, one would expect that your husband would at least show some concern for that. I'm not saying immediately give in or capitulate but at least be respectful and try to work it out.

Valhalla presumably those relationships did not mean much to "Simon". One would hope that after having a baby with OP this relationship would matter to her DH more than his mates.

wheresmywaistgone - yadnbu - you are definitely not being unreasonable.

LucyEMA this is far from a case of having you or the OP on your own. It's a case of saying that maybe she is (as you were) reading too much into the situation and that not all men are as tolerant, patient and understanding as your DP. It's also about warning her that she could end up alone if she continues to pursue this course of action.

I certainly wouldn't be tolerant of someone dictating to me and checking up on me so I can accept that others might not be either.

lucy I have been there and it is not easy. So I can totally relate.

Vallhala No, not every ones DP is as understanding. My DH did something similar after we had our second DD. Although there was no sexual things going on he was lying and going behind my back to meet. So yeah, we have all had our issues. However, after some time apart we are now back together and he is much more understanding and knows that he hurt me and never wants to do it again. So if I asked him right now not to do something while also explaining why I felt that way (which is the important bit) then I know he would. If she did end up alone just because of something as silly as asking him to not speak to 'friends' like they were more, then she shouldn't be with him to begin with as far as I am concerned.
I don't think is it dictating either. It is a simple request in an adult relationship which should have a deal of understanding in it. We also don't know anything else about them or what he or she may have done in the past. She only checked up on him cause he was lying and hiding things. Where do the rules come in for that then?