DH Female friends

[good2talk]

After challenging my DH over what I felt was inappropriately familiar terms of endearment with two of his female friends on texts. He agreed that he would omit the "honeys" and" babes" from his texts. However, since then he now deletes all incoming and outgoing texts to his female friends. He now denies contacting one of his f/male friends, even though the telephone records say otherwise. He says they made a mistake, do they? I rang Virgin and they said otherwise. I don't believe my DH is cheating but I think he may be lying. Shd I just let this go? it's only text speak, but i've just had a baby(dec09) and I want my DH to call me babes and honey, not other women!

as a quick reminder - OP asked her DH to "omit" the honeys and babes from texts, not to stop texting the women altogether. It's hardly a huge ask.

It's completely inappropriate for him to be calling them honey and babes. Most worrying as well that he's now started deleting his messages and is claiming the phone bill is wrong.

You're not a bunny boiler, that's just uncalled for.

Bloody Hell- kicked off a bit on here...

Where are you OP?

Am i the only one who would be uncomfortable with receiving "honey , babe " texts from a maried male freind??
Valhalla , the op COULD end up alone if she continues this course of action??
What course of action exactly? Shes asked her dh to stop being over familiar with other women and now hes lying. Seems to me its him that COULD end up alone !
And as for " only words " dont talk shit.

I usually find texts from married men saying honey babe ect creepy and weird to be honest.

dittany is spot on here.

Some people are generally verbally 'affectionate' and address just about everyone as 'darling' or 'babes'. I certainly wouldn't stand for anyone telling me how I could talk to my friends and snooping through my communications. The OP needs to learn that nothing is more offputting than hysterical jealousy, and that snooping and clinging and whining don't stop a determined cheater anyway - but this behaviour does stand a good chance of driving away a nice, non-cheating partner because no one likes being constantly accused, spied on and nagged at for no good reason.

dignified, by "course of action" I meant the checking the husband's texts etc, not merely asking him not to call his female friends "babes".

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to upset or frighten the Op, I'm just saying that being checked upon can lead some people to react very crossly. Then there's a row, then it's a downwards spiral...

And yes, for some (most?) of us female friends they are only words. Words which are often spoken and written by my own male best friend, with his lovely DPs knowledge and which mean no more than 'you are more special than the guys I have a beer with (but not as much as my partner)'.

Solid and I don't always agree, but it seems we do on this one.

Seriously, ive got nice male freinds who dont talk to me in this way, i dont like it and the only time ive experienced it is with over familiar creepos.
I dont think this is anything to do with babe / honey phone calls ect, but about this guys lack of respect for his wife who just had his baby.
I dont give a toss if my dh is texting women babe , leaving shit out for me to put away, or whatever , if i tell him im uncomfortable with whatever it is hes doing i expect him to make an effort to moderate it, as i would if my behaviour was making him uncomfortable.

And why shouldnt op check the phone record? What on earth is her dh doing arsing about telling stupid lies? Bear in mind she didnt object to the texts, just the creepy babe crap.
Perhaps he should stop his texts to other women, support his wife and help look after his new baby.

What happened to respecting your partner?

If OP asked her dh not to call his friends 'babes' and 'honey' because it upsets her, why can't he just respect that?

I think my dh would have enough regard for my feelings if I made such a req!

And to whoever said that the OP is giving her dh reason to cheat....way to go! I am sure she finds that really reassuring! There is never any good reason to cheat & being asked to stop calling his friends babes etc is absolutely not good reason!

OP, this is NOT your fault! It is all him, he has no respect for your feelings & that needs addressing!

I'm sorry, I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable, presuming these terms of endearment have been used throughout the time they have been together. Some men use terms like that all the time, and it means nothing more that "mate". As others have pointed out, I don't think the OP would be getting support if it was a man dictating to his partner.
If my bf went through my phone-never mind called the phone company-I would be furious.
OP-this behaviour is understandable, because you're vulnerable, having just had a baby. But you've asked for opinions, and in mine I'm with Vallhala. I don't think this kind of behaviour is helpful to your relationship.

I don't think his use of terms like 'honey' etc with his female friends is worrying, but I do think it's worrying that he is lying to you. I also think it's worrying that you are checking his texts and obssessing about all of this, although I can understand you may be feeling a bit vulnerable and hormonal after birth.

Sounds like there are issues of trust and honesty with both of you, though. Maybe you need to have it all out?

Look, just because someone is upset, doesn't mean they are right or reasonable. Sometimes they need to be told to get the fuck over themselves rather than patted on the head and indulged.
WHiny neediness, constant jealousy, snooping and scene-creating may be attractive in the short term to people who are a bit inadequate and insecure themselves ('s/he is so jealous s/he must really love me) but they become very annoying after a while.

agree with SGB, he shouldnt have lied etc... but she shouldnt have snooped around his belongings and phone calls. respect is a two way street. the OP (who still hasnt been back ) says that she doesnt think he is cheating on her. so why check his phone and phone calls? it smacks of desperation and wild-eyed accusations. not every man is a cheat.

Just to clarify...one friend is someone he's known prior to knowing me and is married. Don't believe there is anything going on, although suspect he may have wanted it to if she wasn't married...Another friend is new from evening course and he claims he is reciprocating her language..
My main issue is I was feeling neglected and so was looking for a reason for it..Checked his phone and got jealous. I didn't ask him to STOP having friendships, just to show me more attention and edit his language to be less familiar, out of respect for my feelings (I was heavily pregnant, and have been cheated on by previous partner when pregnant). He seemed open, but this was followed by deletions and 'lies' which have really made me worried. I take on board, my behaviour may have lead to that, and I want stop this snowballing. I will back down and leave this right where it is, and try not to invade his privacy again...although now he's hiding stuff it will be hard. Will give him the benefit of the doubt, as I know he does love me and apart from this issue we are pretty solid.

I really don't get this. What sort of adult checks another person's texts for starters?

And what the hell is the big deal about him using the words 'honey' and 'babes'? They are just words. A bit naff, I grant you, but words.

Does the OP think that calling someone babes or honey is deep and meaningful and a measurement of the depth of feeling?

Ordinarily I would say you are being unreasonable but I would be worried too, esp. about evening class woman. Why is she using such familiar language in her texts to a married man who just had a baby????

When you have a baby is it not unreasonable to be more insular with your partner. This happened naturally with us, he didn't go out at all for about 3 months, hurried home to us - all his attention was focused on me and the children and the baby - I think this is entirely natural. Gradually, as things go on this intensity disipates and things go back to normal but you, as the Mother of his child should be the ABSOLUTE PRIORITY and yes, it's only words but I would never ever text a married male friend with using that sort of language.

I do think you need to have a serious chat to him, not in the sense that you suspect him but given your past history and the fact you have just had his baby you are feeling very vulnerable and feel very threatened by this. He is probably lying about the calls for a quiet life (men do that apparently) but you do need to get to the bottom of it because you feel horrible about it.

I don't think you are a bunny boiler, I think you feel a bit freaked out by being lied to.

totally agree with tarty

and dittany (I usually do when it comes to men's dodgy behaviour)

er, is it ok to call you tarty ?

I'm afraid I think YABU, my mate from school who've I've known for more than half my life (male) calls me hoiney and lovely on texts, he's bit gushy, that's just him! he also openly adores his dw and she isn't bothered in the slightest! I call him "love" on texts as i do a lot of my female friends.

And ringing the phone company, this smacks of insecurity although just havign had a baby four months ago I can understans the feelings of vulnerability following this.

I don't think you can justify snooping based on these words alone. Mu dh has female friends from school on his facebook account who've made inappropriate overtures to him imo, he's shown me! We both have a laugh about it as these (irritating silly cows) women don't stand a chance! And I trust him.

minx, one of the ladies that is texting in such overfamiliar terms is a new acquaintence, met at an evening course, which presumably excludes the OP

it is nice you have such a relaxed r'ship with your OH and can laugh at the "silly cows" but unfortunately not everyone feels so secure

and this guy's behaviour is not helping her feel secure, so he is the one BU, IMO

yes agreeing with tarty

but wouldn't go there again, would show complete disinterest. i find the less interested u are, the more they pull up their socks

but hey thats just my experience

I really hate it when other women pile in on an insecure woman and call her stuff such as "bunny boiler"

there is a reason people feel as they do

I think true "bunny boilers" are very rare (I accept there might be one or two)

usually, women feel insecure because either they have good reason to, or their partner doesn't care enough to reassure them properly

so now this poster has it consolidated even more that she is "crazy" and that she is the problem....niiiiice

yeah, it stinks