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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dislike the appellation "Mrs {DH's initial} {my surname}"?

113 replies

Clary · 13/01/2010 21:10

It was my birthday and a couple of my cards seemed to be addressed to DH

If I am Clare Jones and my husband is Philip, I am OK (just about) with Christmas cards to "Mr and Mrs P Jones" tho frankly I would prefer Mr and Mrs Phil and Clare Jones - or one or the other name (which is what I do).

But I cannot be doing with cards for me addressed Mrs P Jones. My name isn't Philip! (It isn't Clare either but that't not the point ).

Does this bug anyone else or am I being silly?

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 14/01/2010 16:11

YANBU. My in laws do it. Not worth making a fuss over for letters/cards, but I had to put my foot down once. It was a family event on DH's side, and DH and I were providing a musical interlude. I was performing a solo and DH was accompanying me.

In the programme it said solo performed by 'Mrs '

I was unimpressed and got it changed!

galadriel77 · 14/01/2010 16:31

I think it is crazy to get worked up about it - if you don't like it then throw the envelope away immediately. I would be more focused on the fact that someone cares enough to send a birthday card - not moan about how they have addressed the envelope!

But - while on the topic - It doesn't bother me at all - it is traditional - in the same way that taking your husbands surname is when you marry. If you don't like it then it's simple - don't take his name at all. I am 30 and usually try to address people in the "correct" way as that is the way I was taught!

If I was addressing the wife alone however, I would put Mrs (her initial) Surname. This isn't the right way to do but I do so as not to cause confusion for idiots opening the wrong mail!

If i was sending something to both it would Mr and Mrs (his initial) surname.

If they weren't married it would Miss (her initial) her surname and Mr (his initial) his surname. I hate it when people send stuff addressed to (her first name) and (his first name) - it just looks lazy!

I also find it looks really common to use people's first name at all on an envelope that is personal mail and hate it so never do this. I always use Initial and surname.

Widowed and divorced woman do keep the surname but not the initial so when I'm sending things to my grandmothers I use Mrs (her initial) married surname.

Maybe I'm old fashioned - but I know that is how they would expect to see it and it makes sense when I get post like that so I don't let it bother me.

I don't need the writing on an envelope to tell me that I am an individual!!

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2010 16:41

Holy crap!

I cannot believe that in 2010 there is a school of thought that it is correct and normal to call women Mrs Frank Smith. I think it sounds compeletely bonkers and I assumed this practice was now confined to old people!

My eyes are now truly opened.

If anybody called me by a man's name I would laugh in their face, especially if they then told me that in fact they were 'correct' in doing so. Er, I know my name thanks. I'm a woman so I have a woman's name.

I remember my mum asking my granny not to call her Mrs Mans Name on birthday cards etc and my granny taking grave offence but that was in the 1970's.

Don't we have, like, equality now? Did the last 30 years happen or did I dream them?

Seriously. I work in a professional career, regularly have to contact people by post etc and have never even heard of this format as being allowed, never mind encouraged. I just assumed it had died out decades ago along with Miss World and women having to beg for mortgages.

duchesse · 14/01/2010 16:43

I hate it as well. "Oh, you got married? Just hand away your own first name as well, along with any vestige of yourself". I know it's tradiional etc etc but there are some traditions that can quite happily be let go.

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2010 16:47

I can't stand the picking and choosing of traditions either.

'Ooh we want a traditional wedding, cos I'm old fashioned'

Really. So you're a virgin then, living at home with your parents?

flowerybeanbag · 14/01/2010 17:02

galadriel77 - "I also find it looks really common to use people's first name at all on an envelope that is personal mail"

I'm sorry but ROFL at the idea that using someone's actual name being 'common'. If so, then common be I, and happy to be so!

flowerybeanbag · 14/01/2010 17:03

sorry, should be using someone's actual name is common, not being common. I expect my typing is common too...

Poledra · 14/01/2010 17:06

My goodness, Flowery, you have posh family events, with programmes an' all - we just get pissed, laugh a lot and sometimes there's a fight (sign of a good do, that!)

flowerybeanbag · 14/01/2010 17:08

'Twas a wedding, so allowed to be a bit posh. I suspect the name format was part of the poshness...

Original poster

Clary · 14/01/2010 23:47

Morriszapp and others, well quite.

My name is not Phil! It really really isn't! It is Jones tho so that's fine. But th efact that it is Jones doesn't make it Phil as well.

I just don't get this "you took his surname so you get his first name" nonsense.

Tho of course I am glad to have the cards

OP posts:

weasle · 15/01/2010 00:46

most of my friends, like me, haven't changed their name on marriage but have children with their dh's name. so i usually write 'The Jones family' on xmas cards etc.

personal letters i would address to Ms Smith, except the one friend who i know hates Ms so i write to her as Miss (not sure why she hates it, I end up writing to her and wife as Miss and Ms which looks odd!).

I use Ms maiden name (also don't know how to say it, so usually say Miss but write Ms, agree it should be the default way of address for a female). Further confusion is that I am a medical doctor so occasionally use Dr, but a surgeon, so traditionally we revert to Mr/Ms/Mrs etc.

The other night went to a dinner and complained the table plan had missed me out as i didn't recognise Mrs as being me! and this was somewhere very posh where most of guests were Prof or Sir/Lady so interesting they had not put Mrs . hope it is dying out as tradition!

Does everyone here have a PhD?!

WickedWench · 15/01/2010 01:11

Me and DP have lived together for over 20 years and aren't married. Cards come either addressed to him, to me or to Nick and Janet with no surname after (not real names obv).

Even if we were to get married now (I'm fancying a younger model these days - so is he more than likely lol) there is no way I'd take his surname. I've worked too bloody hard to build a working reputation (a good one I hope)to suddenly change my name so people don't know who I am anymore.

And no I don't have a PhD. I'm far too lazy! My cousin, the ex-hairdresser, does tho. And I am SO proud of her! Alzheimers research. Not glamorous but bloody important.

skihorse · 15/01/2010 08:10

YANBU - unless of course you're living in the 1950s.

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