to allow my 4-year-old to open her presents at her birthday party?

[parakeet]

I'm discovering that at other childrens' parties, their parents seem to make their children wait until after the party. When I allowed my daughter to open her presents from the party guests as she received them, one mum even commented: "Oh, she's opening her presents!" as if it was something really odd. I don't understand. Isn't it rather sadistic to make them wait?

I always opened mine at the party when I was growing up. Is this something to do with the fact that I grew up Oop North, and since then have moved down South?

Or is it maybe because so far I have only had little parties for my daughter (four or five children, max), and the others seem to have larger affairs, so I suppose it would have taken them ages to open all their presents?

Please enlighten me.

I save them because otherwise it ends up being chaos, stuff gets lost and you don't have a clue who gave what - I always like to personalise a thank you. Also, the birthday child is usually so flippin hyped up that they rip the paper off and shove the pressie aside without even registering what it is. If they are chilled out after the party, then they are more likely to actually SEE what they have been given and appreciate it.

My husband (from USA) finds it absurd to not open the presents.

I find the idea that I would be distressed or offended by a 5 year old's reaction to my chosen gift hilarious. Surely no full grown adult goes to a five year old's party in fear of the child opening the present?

I guess it's all to do with scaling up parties to such huge numbers........

I can cope with the child's reaction, but I do find it awkward if they obviously already have it (eg a book) or don't like it.

(I do find present-opening a bit stressful anyway though. Don't enjoy opening presents people have given me in case I don't like it and it shows )

My daughter waits and is happy to wait, she is normally so excited about simply having a party and all her friends over, that she is happy to open them later. So not unkind at all. We also open them carefully and i make sure she knows who gave what, and appreciates it all.

And when we go to parties I'd probably prefer the child not to open my gift in front of everyone as i am always so worried they won't like it!

We are in highlands of scotland and everyone waits till after here, in my experience.

oops just to add i am neither distressed nor offended, just a worrier!!

i think most people probably leave it til after the party so they can keep track of who gave what for the thank you letters?

personally if i saw a small child start opening their presents and thought the Mum didn't know I would tell her - dd successfully unwrapped all hers without me seeing last year so all the thank you letters were very vague!

don't have an issue with other kids seeing what they all bought - don't remember that being an issue when i went to parties as a kid?

when they get older (and parties are for 6 kids not 25?!) the issue will go away

linglette maybe it is the child who gave the present who might be hurt if the other child already has it or comments on it negatively, rather than the parent being offended?

My DS puts a lot of effort into presents for his friends, I would hate for the present to be opened in a large party situation and the child to comment negatively on it, my DS would be heartbroken! So if DS has a party, we wait, to spare any hurt feelings (children are so honest aren't they!)

Also, it can't be much fun for all the other kids to watch as on child gets loads of presents, they might comare with how many presents they got at their party and as much as I think children should learn that life isn't fair a party is meant to be fun!

diddl I have never heard of or come across that before! Are you sure it wasn't just one shop that did this? Sounds brilliant but rather like wedding present lists

At bigger parties my kids never open their presents. There just isn't time. As others have said, they appreciate them all the more when they have time to do it and are less hyped. After a couple of all class parties my DD spread the opening out of her presents over a couple of evenings (she was 4 and 5) - and she wasn't upset at all.

Nothing wrong with a bit of delayed gratification IMO . On the rare occasion when I have been at a party and the child has started opening the presents it's just been mayhem and the parent has no idea who gave what. I have also seen children in that situation say something negative about the present (because they are fairly young) and the recipient be upset.

...but then on the other side of the coin, my DS had 3 boys to the kids theatre for his 4th birthday and he opened his presents in the cafe there and then which was lovely. All the photos feature him, his 3 friends and A.N Other of similar age who came over to play with the mechanical dinosaur

DD just had her second birthday party, we saved the presents for afterwards because I didn't want any of the other children (aged between 4mths and 8yrs) to be upset at not having presents too, and because I wanted to know who sent what for the thank you cards, and because I wanted to make sure any duplicates of stuff she already had was kept in good enough nick to regift or donate.

Have been to parties where the gifts were opened, it didn't bother me and it wouldn't have occurred to me to comment on it, either helpfully or otherwise.

If the dds have a party with friends coming to the house, the presents are opened in front of the friends. I think it's fun and a Nice Thing To Do. They all like to see the different presetns. Myy dds like to see others' presents too.

At big, whole-class type parties, it's just not practical re space and time.

Yangmac good point - it has been mayhem, but didn't need to be. You are right, in the same way as child can wait til later that day/next day if that's always been the way in their family, so too can they open them nicely and thank the people there (which would save on thank you cards - another MN divisive topic )

domesticextremist: "And one of the reasons for doing it after is so that you can write down who brought what and the dc can do a personalized card." You are clearly so much more organised than I am! Well, we all have our strengths, and that's not one of mine.

Speedy - am really not - its about the only thing we manage honestly...

Yangymac - I agree it would work most of the time if we were used to it but it still wouldnt work in huge playspace type parties when people dribble in over half an hour or so and theres no greeting as such - they just run in and start playing as their parent chucks a present at you and legs it.

We are going to our local fave party venue 3 times in Jan. I ask you...[sigh]

Yeah, yeah you say that - I bet you're one of those people who welcome guests by apologising for the state of your home when it's actually pristine

I must stop relying on my imagination to inform me about others.

I must stop relying on my imagination to inform me about others.

I must stop relying on my imagination to inform me about others.

I must stop relying on my imagination to inform me about others.

...

hm I grew up in the US and we opened presents at the party. But then, we also ate the cake at the party, as opposed to it being put in a sack for later. (thanks to Mumsnet I wasn't confused at all this weekend when the cake was left to the last 5 minutes of a 2-hour party, and handed to us as we left!)

I don't think you're BU at all, but yes, I suppose if the guest numbers are higher than 20 or so, perhaps people who aren't used to present-opening would be bored? I don't know.

No - I wish I was.

One of my mates was round last week and we have just moved and it has been christmas yadda yadda and I was fishing for support that the house didnt look that bad. She just sighed and said, 'think of it as a work in progress' and then said that in my position she would get a cleaner .

to your friend. How rude.

IME it is usually done afterwards because the birthday girl/boy often gets upset when other children grab at the newly opened presents, and because it's difficult for the parent who is busy hosting the party to notice what is being given and where small parts of frantically opened presents get to!

The reasons we save presents to open later are:

There are often many presents and it would be a pain and take ages and not be v interesting for guests.

The kids would want to play with present there and then (could cause probs if not suitable for that many kids etc).

There would be no way of knowing who bought what for purposes of thank you letters. (piscesmoonm - mine write their own - they are 10, 8, 6)

If a child oesn't like or already has the gift then the embarrassing (for you and giver) cry of "oh I've got this/don'tlike this" will be avoided and tact can be advised later. I once gave a gift to a birthday child that was revealed to be a double woth another giver when he opened the gifts and he already had it anyway as he told me .

Still, if it's a pretty small party then maybe none of these stipulations apply. I am prob talking parties of at least 12 or so. I also dislike the production line thing but actually we rather like the present-openeing after the party back at the house stylee.

(oh I see that Hula and others have said the same as me only more concisely)

Piscesmoon - spot on as usual. I'm going to try and find the thread of favourite mumsnetters so I can put you on it.

I think it's a little/home party thing. We opened presents on the spot for home (mostly family) parties when both DC were small. Since he has had larger (school class) parties in halls, my DS (and this year, DD) have been way too excited running round with their friends and getting into whatever the first activity is to open presents on the spot - it has been all I can do to make sure they actually greet all the guests as they arrive (especially as that can be strung out over 20 minutes or more) but they do want to know, and indeed remember, what came from whom. Family always see them open their presents at home and get the first hand reaction as well as the subsequent letter.

(plus as others have said it gives me a chance to keep track, and extract duplicates so they can be exchanged)

Thank you LillianGish -it isn't often that people agree with me!
I think that it is like the difference between private and corporate entertainment and I prefer the former.
I can see why it isn't practical to open them at a large party, but it all seems so cold and impersonal and a production line. I think that if I was doing it I would say 'no presents'.
If you were to say to the birthday DC the next day 'what did Lucy give you' they would be unlikely to have a clue-but it doesn't matter because the parent has written a letter saying how much they liked it!