To be offended by our neighbour’s attitude to benefits?

[thisxgirl]

I may be flamed for this but have been stewing all morning and need to get it off my chest and also test the waters to see if I?m just stuck-up/naïve/whatever.

DP befriended our neighbour over the summer, while I was pregnant. He has a shady past but is very polite and thoughtful, would do anything to help us and I haven?t really taken particular offence to anything he has said before.

He has been on sick benefits for a considerable amount of time. He has manic depression. Despite this, when I first met him, he was casually working with his brother-in-law labouring. He worked sporadically so sometimes full time and other times he would have a week off. I never saw any aspect of manic or depressive behaviour during this time so wasn?t entirely convinced he was actually ill (although I appreciate, from personal experience also, that mental illness isn?t always evident) and didn?t agree with him claiming benefits while earning cash on the side. You know, if he can work for cash, he can work and pay taxes, I thought. Similarly, if he can offer to help DP with building our decking and can get pissed every night and generally be up for doing fun things like riding his pitbike, he must be able to work? But I didn?t interfere because I know a lot of people do this and really, is it my business what lifestyle choice he makes whether I agree with it or not? I reasoned that a system which allows this is more to blame than an individual who is narrow-mindedly taking advantage of it.

The work with his brother-in-law dried up and since then he spends his days sitting on his arse in his flat, drinking, smoking and posting status updates on Facebook. Lately he seems to go through bouts of mania and depression ? i.e, he can be very hyperactive when around other people (shouting, screaming, running around, so enthusiastic about stuff he breaks it) and then goes for days not leaving his home ? it does seem worse since he stopped casually working. He admits himself that he is better when his mind and body are occupied and to some extent, this is true of everybody isn?t it? Although I appreciate that mental illness can be crippling but again, if you can find the energy and motivation for fun activities, you can find the energy for work.

Last night he was having a beer in our dining room with DP, talking about how he?s never going to work for the rest of his life because he can?t afford to (he?s better off on benefits) and he finds it too stressful. He said very matter-of-factly that he intends to be on full benefits for the rest of his life and has no other plans ? say he lives until 60 or 70, that?s 30 or 40 years. He was so unabashed ? he had no shame whatsoever that, despite being apparently able to work (having done so when the work was available), he planned to be a parasite on the system for the rest of his years. It didn?t occur to him that it isn?t fair for him to expect others to financially support his choice. It didn?t occur to him that the country is in incredible debt and the benefits system ? as a safety net for those who genuinely need it ? was being jeopardized by people like him.

From the perspective of a taxpayer, I was so insulted. When I was heavily pregnant, I worked six days a week and paid a proportionately large amount of tax, while he sunned himself in his garden. My dad bought this house for peanuts and worked on it so that when he died a few years ago, its value exceeded the inheritance tax cap and had he not been frugal in some areas of his life (one foreign holiday in 20 years, drove an eight year old Ford KA) and saved £60,000 in the knowledge that I would have to pay huge inheritance tax upon his death, I would have had to have sold this house to pay the tax owed upon death. My 73 year old stepfather is still working because after his state pension is taxed, he doesn?t have enough to pay his mortgage. It?s one thing for our neighbour to make his choice but to be so brazen when around other people who do pay taxes is rude, in my opinion.

AIBU? Should I have given him my opinion or would it create needless tension? Am I naïve to not want my DS to grow up with people like him as role model?

I happen to think that Thisxgirl is not being unreasonable at all...I have lived with bipolar for twenty years now and I know exactly how hard it is.. I am now a fulltime carer for my daughter - and yet I cant get any benefits at all.. I had to give up fulltime work to care for my daughter .. someone please tell me how these people who re claiming they are unfit for work manage to claim benefits through having bipolar.. !!
I also agree that Thisxgirl has made a beautiful job of stating her case - I feel that the system in this country is sooo wrong and supports a lot of people who simply are too lazy to work.. I for one, would give anything to be able to go out and work ..but I have a small disability myself and as I mentioned, am a ft carer for dd...

I just really hope that there is a serious benefits shakeup after the next election ..I am sick to the back teeth of people not having a sense of responsibility for their own lives.. This man clearly has no intentions of improving his chances - as far as I am concerned if he won't help himself, then why should we (taxpayers) help him ??

'But I didn?t interfere because I know a lot of people do this and really, is it my business what lifestyle choice'

I'm sorry but you seem like a really nosey neighbour!!

'The work with his brother-in-law dried up and since then he spends his days sitting on his arse in his flat, drinking, smoking and posting status updates on Facebook'

You're life can't be that exciting if you've been 'psychoanalysing' this unsuspecting man's state of mind.

Mrs Bucket springs to mind!!

Mitchyinge YANBU

Duritzfan: I am sorry to hear that you have been suffering with bipolar for a long time. I can really sympathise that it is very difficult to hold down a job and lead a relatively normal life with this illness. From what I understand however, we are very lucky to be able to do this (even with a struggle) as the majority of those diagnosed with MD are not able to hold down a job - any job - and are not able to lead any normal life.

Despite the influence of the media where bipolar is regarded as a social cachet in the field of entertainment, and a desirable celebrity accessory a la Stephen Fry, Britney etc, the vast majority of those diagnosed find that bipolar rather hampers their chance of success or life chances.

As I understand it MD is recognised as a spectrum disorder (such as Autism) and different people are afflicted with varying degrees of severity.

From my time as an inpatient I have seen how some people are not at all 'well' with bipolar and may have very different experiences of reality than our own. Delusions and hallucinations are common in manic phases and the person may also hear voices. Depressive phases are equally debilitaing and the rather alarming statistic is that this disease has a 25% self mortality rate.

Some people with MD may have relatively long periods of normality between episodes, and indeed some may only have one episode in their lives. Unfortunately for others such as rapid cyclers there may be only a matter of days or weeks between episodes, and any normality is hard to come by. Naturally for many, bipolar wrecks their social, family, work and personal lives.

Without knowing all the facts, thisxgirl's neighbour may be unstable with very few periods of normality in which he is able to hold down a job or a normal personal life.

In addition bipolar shares many genetic markers with schitzophrenia with some experts questioning whether they are in fact part of the same spectrum. Although medication can help both bipolar and schitzophrenic sufferers, there is often poor complience with medication - when you are severely mentally unwell you often lose insight and therefore believe you do not need them.

Those with a severe mental illness often self medicate with drugs or alcohol to combat their own demons, whether to encourage sleep, depress mania, or help with delusions, and therefore substance abuse is often not a cause of mental illness but a side effect.

Medication may also have its drawbacks as well. It often has unpleasant side effects and in order to control the symptoms of illness an individual may be so doped up that they resemble a zombie and unable to function normally at all.

Of course people can recover (I did) but without knowing all the facts it is difficult to judge on the neighbour's entitlement to help. Bipolar is for life, is ongoing and not just for Christmas.

xx

Sorry if you think that's judgemental - I've been hospitalised withmental illness and have to take medication for the rest my life, but would never use it as an excuse not to work.

Actually, I did sound rather judgemental didn't I ? It just seemed apparent from the OP that he was taking a great delight in using his illness as an excuse to 'play the system'. This behaviour really does infuriate me and a lot of people. I have had bouts of really insidious mental problems and didn't work for around six months at one time but the thought of 'using' it never crossed my mind. I find it all very difficult to understand. Sorry if i came across as nasty

I have bipolar disorder, and no, it is nothing like working while pregnant. Though thanks to the medication I'm on, pregnancy isn't something I'll ever experience, so I guess I can't comment either.

"And what is so spoilt about a single man choosing to leave his property that he worked hard on to his only daughter? He worked very hard and lived simply so why should the government take it all off him at death? Wouldn't you be a bit miffed if your parent's life savings went to the government at their death just so you didn't end up losing the family home they had lived and worked on all their lives?"

My mother had to sell the family home on my father's death. You know, actually inheriting property is really quite rare, and as a grown woman I don't expect my mother to scrimp now to leave something behind for me.

"One more relevant thing - he told me that doctors have questioned whether his heavy use of marijuana and acid, plus previous addiction to coke have contributed to his mental health problems. He still smokes weed almost every day - intends to grow it 'again', actually - and will take anything else he can get his hands on. "

This is, unfortunately, very very common in people with BPD. Yiu don't realise the consequences of your actions when on the upswing, which often manifests itself in substance abuse (or things like compulsive, random spending)

I have relatives who are on benefits, and in my eyes it seems like being single parents is used as an excuse for not going back to work. In reality, though, I don't know what it's like to bring up children by oneself. And as another poster says, sometimes this is lack of aspiration. My sister has been on benefits for years, but the utter lack of any work in my home town isn't an incentive to find a job, because that job will be very poorly paid.

I would be interested to know if you;ve ever been on benefits or on the dole yourself. It is very, very hard to live on them. I hold down a full time job, but had issues previously because of it being difficult to manage my illness and employment. I still worry about speaking to employers about it (I have been fired from temp jobs for doing so) and work twice as hard to ensure that my work is as good as others'. Sometimes I wonder how far I would have gone without the difficulty, or the side-effects from the drugs which enable me to lead a normal life but dull my brain. I have little social life because I find it hard to be around people, and I'm constantly tired, and I can't drink because the interaction knocks me out, plus I'm constantly hungry as a side-effect.

"FWIW I had some depression issues - taking tablets & sitting around all day makes it worse, facing up to issues makes it go away."

I see your point but unfortunately it's not as simple - 'manic depression' is a misleading label as it also shares symptoms with schizophrenia. 'Issues' are rarely a factor.

"from underneath the safety net of having bi-polar"

Oh, go fuck yourself.

OP my mum is bipolar, she seems "normal" to the outside world, but to us, we know that somebody's shes fine, some days shes really depressed and other days she tried to commit suside. she cannot hold down a job, due to her mindset, it is not mood swings, as only medication can control the attacks off severe depression and unsane mindset.

she has tried to hold down a stable job, but unfortunately her mind cannot do so, and with that no employer will take her on, as she is not reliable.

YABU to be honest, its sole destroying to watch your mum going through a attack and hope and pray to God that tomorrow will see light instead of the dark.

My response to these kind of posts is - Mind your own fucking business!

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, what he's like on his own, why he can't work. When I had PND/Manic Depression nobody ever had a clue...

Can you imagine the reaction if this thread had been about a person with a physical disability?

What is about mental illness? People seem to take the existence of the mentallly ill as some kind of personal affront.

YADBVU.

Grow up.

zombie thread.....

Zombies,,, where ( charges her shot gun ), hides behind a wheelie bin.

YABU, it's none of your business. Take care of your own life.

Report him to the DWP, that way the trained investigators can decide whether he's fully entitled to benefits or not in relation to his disability. They will decide whether he is fit for work or not. Ultimately anyone can claim benefits however its the DWP whom decide whether their actually entitled or not. Its not his decision to remain on benefits for the rest of his life I'm afraid. xx

Try finding an employer who will take on someone with bipolar.

The benefits 'problem' has to to tackled by adressing employers' reluctance to employ eople who have mental illness/criminal records and other barriers to employment. It's no use just blaming the recipiants.