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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is being domineering?

99 replies

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:09

He sometimes will literally grab or knock something out of my hand, if we are shopping together, if he doesn't want it and I do, or vice versa. I feel humiliated as we literally end up having a tug of war sometimes in the supermarket.

He also insists on pushing the trolley when he has no idea what I need or what is on the list. He will wander off with it into aisles I don't need to go to, leaving me laden with armfuls of stuff trying to track him down.

He will also waste money on items we don't want - but he says 'he' does. EG There is a melon sitting on the table which he bought before Xmas which he hasn't eaten. I don't like melon.

I am probably BU to put up with it.. but I just want a peaceful life and hate public slanging matches. When I say anything later he denies it, so if I do say anything it has to be there and then. I wish he did not accompany me everywhere, but he says he does it as he loves me and just wants to be with me - but at the supermarket..?

OP posts:

malovitt · 09/01/2010 18:18

I never go food shopping with my DH, ever.

I like my own way of doing things and can't bear anyone else touching my trolley.

Insist on going alone.

skidoodle · 09/01/2010 18:21

He accompanies you everywhere? Because he loves you and wants to be with you?

Even if he didn't grab stuff out of your hands in the supermarket that would be weird.

You feel humiliated by how he treats you in public.

That's not a peaceful life. That's a downtrodden life.

GetDownYouWillFall · 09/01/2010 18:21

He sounds like a control freak to me!

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 18:21

You should definately not go shopping together, either go yourself or just send him.

Is he like this in other areas of your life too?

So many posts this weekend about horrible controlling partners!

scottishmummy · 09/01/2010 18:22

op have you read your own post.your dh sounds like a boorish bully

Miggsie · 09/01/2010 18:23

Start using a the ordering service. Never shop with him again.

If he does this in any other area of your life, seriously consider why on earth you are with him.

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 18:23

And completely agree with skidoodle, it's not a peaceful life it's a downtrodden (not to mention humiliating) life.

Stand up for yourself and don't let him treat you like this. If he insists then leave him.

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:27

I'm glad you think he sounds like a bully too. I wish I could leave him tbh, I am unhappy, and yes he is very controlling in other areas too.

I couldn't afford to live on my own though, I have depression and gave up my full time job when I had ds, I now work part time and no way I could meet the bills etc on my own.

I mentioned once in a row about leaving and he said 'well I would take ds, there's no way you would get custody as you are depressed and self harm etc etc', and sadly I suspect he's right. I also feel I could not cope on my own with ds. Our relationship is one of convenience - both practically and financially.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 09/01/2010 18:31

No, no, no.

Please don't believe him when he tell you that you can't leave because you need him.

There are people on here who know so much about this - there are options and things you can do.

dittany · 09/01/2010 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bb99 · 09/01/2010 18:32

Are you depressed as a result of spending time with someone who is so undermining? What does your doc say, are you getting counselling and was it PND or just D?

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:35

Oh dittany, you are so right. I feel like an empty shell, tired and lifeless. I used to be happy (and independent) before I met dp and had ds, and although I love ds to bits, he is at the terrible twos stage and really exhausting.

I find my only real comfort now is in solitary eating, I rush away to the kitchen when ds is asleep and dp asleep in front of telly and stuff myself. It's a release. It's not a healthy life I know, but I can't summon up the will to snap out of it at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:37

bb99, I have always been depressed, as diagnosed by Dr, also have anxiety. I suspect DP made it worse. I don't think PND was a factor, but who knows.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 18:39

please don't think you have to stay with him. Of course you don't. You will cope on your own. Loads of us do.

And he is talking bollox about getting custody.

overmydeadbody · 09/01/2010 18:42

Oh you poor thing, your last post has made me feel really sad for you.

You can get out, you can! Pleaew just believe in yourself and you will find the strength to make it alone. Imagine how much easier your life would be without him!

MrsSawdust · 09/01/2010 18:43

Agree with others that your depression is probably fuelled by being in this oppressive relationship. You would probably cope much better by yourself than you think you would.

Please consider your options. With the right benefits and tax credits etc you will be able to make ends meet. He is unlikely to get custody of your dc. Get some legal advice, soon. Make plans.

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:47

I really have become dependent on him though (pathetic I know). It has been a very gradual process over several years, I suppose I am only realising it now. There's been the taking away from me doing things myself to the point where I have lost all confidence. This is why I honestly feel I literally would not cope alone.

For example: I have been too scared to drive this week on the ice, he has been taking me everywhere, yet this is the girl who passed her Advanced Driving test at 19 and used to have a lovely car (totally irrelevant I know) which she drove the length and breadth of UK and Ireland.

OP posts:

bb99 · 09/01/2010 18:49

DHF - have you ever had the chance to have CBT? It really helped me with horrid PND (and have always been a bit of a depressive anyway). Friends who have had depression for years have actually got a LOT better with CBT. I know it's not a cure all but it can really help sometimes.

Also I really agree with the other posters - you are capeable of 'going it alone' if that's what you need to do and the custody thing is a complete nonsense. If you want to find out about what benefits etc you would be entitled to you could see someone from the CAB services - confidentially and for free. You should have one near you!

2 yo is a challenging age and if you're feeling blue it just makes it tougher, plus if your dp isn't supportive it must be really tiring.

You do have some posative options available.

bb99 · 09/01/2010 18:50

You're NOT pathetic! Ease up on yourself.

bb99 · 09/01/2010 18:51

Sorry - being far too bossy

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:52

bb99, no not had CBT. I have heard it can be good. I had some private counselling which got too expensive, it was not CBT, it was just me talking and her listening. I did find that helped me a lot though, it 'gave me permission' to feel the way I did, she said I had a right to feelings, now this may sound obvious - but it was a revelation to me!

I wonder if CBT is about the same cost and how many sessions do you need generally?

OP posts:

Seabright · 09/01/2010 18:53

Start to plan to get out, even if you're not going right now?

Do you self-harm? If so, get help from you GP & if you don't (but have in the past), ask your GP to document that you don't do it now, so there's a formal record of how long it's been since you stopped, in case he tries to use it against you.

Do tiny things for yourself, as treats and to build up your self-esteem. Don't tell him, just do things privatly, for yourself.

Good luck

MrsSawdust · 09/01/2010 18:53

That girl you used to be still exists. You can be her again. You already ARE her. Take back your life.

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:56

I felt so low today seabright that I hit myself with the back of a hairbrush I had not done anything for at least a year before this though. And it has no bearing on my parenting aility, although I guess not everyone would agree, but I would sooner chew off my own arm than see any harm come to ds.

OP posts:

bb99 · 09/01/2010 18:57

I don't know how much CBT would cost on a person to person thing - I did a self help thingy on the internet (Doc put me on to it) and my friend was referred my her doc (she had full on depression and was on meds literally for years). I'll look for the site and link it to you.

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