to think DP is being domineering?

[downhillfast]

He sometimes will literally grab or knock something out of my hand, if we are shopping together, if he doesn't want it and I do, or vice versa. I feel humiliated as we literally end up having a tug of war sometimes in the supermarket.

He also insists on pushing the trolley when he has no idea what I need or what is on the list. He will wander off with it into aisles I don't need to go to, leaving me laden with armfuls of stuff trying to track him down.

He will also waste money on items we don't want - but he says 'he' does. EG There is a melon sitting on the table which he bought before Xmas which he hasn't eaten. I don't like melon.

I am probably BU to put up with it.. but I just want a peaceful life and hate public slanging matches. When I say anything later he denies it, so if I do say anything it has to be there and then. I wish he did not accompany me everywhere, but he says he does it as he loves me and just wants to be with me - but at the supermarket..?

could someone please link to the list of behaviours that are classified as "abusive", I think it has been very helpfully used on here

dittany ?

OP, just because he doesn't slap you around, it doesn't mean it isn't abuse

he certainly sounds abusive in these ways...controlling, manipulative, emotionally, mentally, financially....

Read that book. Sometimes emotional abuse doesn't go beyond that and doesn't turn physical, but that is generally because a man can grind a woman down so successfully, that he doesn't need to hit her - he can control her without the threat of violence.

He is making you unhappy. He doesn't sound as if he has any interest in NOT making you unhappy.

The necklace thing is classic abuser behaviour.

Here we are

The wheel of abuse

Do you think he would hit me if I started to stand upfor myself more then? I am shocked - honestly - that what I've described counts as 'abuse'.

i dont know what he is capable of.but what you describe is most certainly abuse.abuse isnt just a fist in face,it is a word, a nuance,psychological abuse,behaviours

OK
have assessed against that list - scarily illuminating:

ISOLATION

limiting outside involvement - yes

making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others - no I don't think so

expecting another to report every move and activity - yes defintely!

restricting use of the car yes defintely!

moving residences ? no

EMOTIONAL ABUSE
putting another down/name-calling yes

ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments n/a

withholding approval or affection yes

making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation yes - see supermarket

unreasonable jealousy and suspicion yes

playing mind games don't know what mind games are

ECONOMIC ABUSE
preventing another from getting or keeping a job ? don't think so

withholding funds yes

spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills no he pays

not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income don't know

forcing someone to ask for basic necessities no

INTIMIDATION
driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered yes - see earlier post!

destroying property or cherished possessions yes! he throws stuff away

making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures yes

throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened yes

displaying weapons no

USING CHILDREN or PETS
threatening to take the children away YES YES YES

making the partner feel guilty about the children yes

abusing children or pets to punish the partner no

using the children to relay messages no

USING PRIVILEDGE
treating another like a servant no

making all the big decisions yes

being the one to define male and female roles
no

acting like the master or queen of the castle yes

SEXUAL ABUSE whole section n/a we have no sex life

THREATS no to all

PHYSICAL ABUSE no to all

Dittany - that Lundy Bancroft book sounds very good, will try to read, thank you.

Physical abuse doesn't come out of nowhere. If it did, there would be no problem of Domestic Violence, because as soon as a man hit a woman, she would simply leave, which is what the the uninformed always say she should "just" do. But by the time a man hits a woman, he has successfully groomed her to feel so shit about herself, that she makes excuses for him (it was an accident, he pushed me harder than he meant to, he didn't realise his own strength etc.) and blames herself (I provoked him, I shouldn't have wound him up, it was my fault because I'm such a shit wife).

How d'you think men get away with it? They work very hard to ensure that any woman they assault, will accept that assault. And they do that by doing what your man is doing - grinding them down so by the time it happens, they feel they deserve it.

so what will you do?

I was interested in one thing on your list OP

ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments n/a

What d'you mean, not applicable? Don't you have any activities? Don't you chat to him about your day, what you did with your DS, etc.? I don't believe you haven't got any accomplishments either.

downhillfast - your life will only get worse if you stay and then your son will grow up watching daddy treat his mummy like his possession and his mummy react like she isn't worth anything. Leave for him if not yourself.

This is a big thing to take on board. While I was unhappy I didn't realise that I fitted into somesort of template of abuse. I am still not 100% sure tbh, I mean many of the ingredients are there but it's not all bad obviously. That said, there are few good times either. I guess a good day for me is just a grey day, with no actual wrangling or tears. Life is exhausting sometimes, but I want to try to keep going. I feel that if I give up and accept there's a problem, it will all overwhelm me - does that nake any sense?

I am going to do some more research about this. Someone mentioned relate - I think that would be worth investigating, as clearly some of these issues would emerge and could be dealt with in a 'safe' arena.

HerBeatitude - I can't recall any examples at the moment, no. I feel I am not accomplishing much atm, and my major achievement is to eat a meal on my own 'in peace' - it's the highlight of my day.

dont get hung up on labelling what you experience.try focus upon what will you do

scottishmummy, don't quite understand. I suppose for the short term I will quietly acknowledge what happens in the light of the information and advice on here. I will start small and make an effort to go to supermarket alone - i.e. when he is otherwise engaged. I will accept I am still the same person, althpough my life has changed. I will wear my necklace. I will ask for further help on MN if necessary. Is that what you meant?

sorry,what i mean is defining/labelling what he does isnt as important as what you now chose to do

"It's not all bad" - of course it isn't!

It never is. If it were, again, there would be no Domestic Violence problem. No-one, however ground down, would stay with someone with whom it was all bad. There have to be enough good things there to keep someone hoping that things will change, to cling to the belief that the good side of the abuser is his "real" side and that it's just a bad patch and we can work through it.

I'm not saying it can't be turned around - it can. But only if both of you recognise and acknowledge the dynamics of the relationship and decide to change it. Relate might be a good place to start, but you would have to be very honest with the counsellor as to your feelings.

"for the short term I will quietly acknowledge what happens in the light of the information and advice on here. I will start small and make an effort to go to supermarket alone - i.e. when he is otherwise engaged. I will accept I am still the same person, althpough my life has changed. I will wear my necklace. I will ask for further help on MN if necessary."

That sounds like a very positive start DHF
Keep posting.

Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he's not abusive.

What are you going to do for you tomorrow? Wake up a little early & sit & read the paper on your own? Stick a fiver from your purse in a envelope (ready for when you need it). Put your necklace (the one you choose) in your pocket & wear it like that all day?

Anything really, just something tiny & secret to make you smile to yourself.

noooo, wear your necklace around your neck, in full view !

in your pocket ? secretly ?

wtf

I'd love to wake up early seabright, don't often have the energy sadly, part of how depression affects me, I have enormous trouble waking up. DP deals with ds in the mornings - hence why I said early I need to rely on him a lot practically.

I do save £2 coins when I have them as sometimes when DP is out I order a pizza for myself
I like the idea of expanding this to a slightly bigger 'me' fund though.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like you are not ready to see that this relationship can't be saved. We are all on the outside and therefore only make a judgement based on what you have said. However, Relate seems like a really good idea as it means discussing your issues with someone objective. Also if your partner won't go to Relate it would seem to be quite a clear sign that he is happy with the status quo and doesn't have your best interests at heart. This would seem to contradict his reasoning for alot of the behaviour which seems controlling.

If I saw your list at work (and I work for women's aid) I would be quite concerned about your wellbeing.

You have scored quite highly on our matrix and although you don't think it, you are being emotionally abused.

Every time a threat of violence is made or throwing things, punching walls etc that is as bad as actual physical violence. The implied threats are as bad as the actual violence and are often more damaging.

Please seek help, Women's aid are free to call on their helpline number but your local office can offer you support and a listening ear.

He is controlling you and the more you put up with the more he thinks he can get away with. These things escalate very quickly especially when the abuser thinks they may be losing control and so specialist support is vital before making any major move.

He doesn't throw things at me though mrspnut. It's more a case of throwing things down / aimed at the floor, expression of anger etc.