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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP is being domineering?

99 replies

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:09

He sometimes will literally grab or knock something out of my hand, if we are shopping together, if he doesn't want it and I do, or vice versa. I feel humiliated as we literally end up having a tug of war sometimes in the supermarket.

He also insists on pushing the trolley when he has no idea what I need or what is on the list. He will wander off with it into aisles I don't need to go to, leaving me laden with armfuls of stuff trying to track him down.

He will also waste money on items we don't want - but he says 'he' does. EG There is a melon sitting on the table which he bought before Xmas which he hasn't eaten. I don't like melon.

I am probably BU to put up with it.. but I just want a peaceful life and hate public slanging matches. When I say anything later he denies it, so if I do say anything it has to be there and then. I wish he did not accompany me everywhere, but he says he does it as he loves me and just wants to be with me - but at the supermarket..?

OP posts:

mrspnut · 09/01/2010 22:24

It's still the implied threat of violence. He's showing you that he could throw it at you if he chose to.

You don't have to express anger by throwing things, and he does to show that he can be dominant.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 22:27

don't make excuses for him dhf

expressing anger in that way is intimidating and aimed to make you think he is the stronger man who could easily physically overcome you

he will also be frightening and

does he ever "accidentally" shove past you, knock you out of the way, smash things, stand towering over you while you are sitting down, slam the car door on you before you have quite got in the car etc ?

he sounds like a bully

Snowfun · 09/01/2010 22:29

My dh used to do this. Everything that went into the trolley had to be accounted for. "why do you want that for when are you cooking it what with why!" If he didn't approve or was too expensive it would go back I could have written this thread. So I switched to online shopping although even then he insists on checking everything I've ordered and questions me while the delivery man is at the door which is very embarassing. Last week he handed back kitchen roll we needed because it was "too expensive"! Not very helpful really just seemed so familiar to me!

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 22:34

He makes me cry with his agression sometimes AnyFucker. I used to scream back but that doesn;t get us anywhere, upsets me more, and now I have ds to consider, I don't want him witnessing it all and to be even more fucked up than I am.

DP's never actually pushed me. I do know he broke a teapot while with his ex wife though, while smashing it dopwn on the ta ble in front of her during a row, so he has acted that way before. He never hit her awaik. I still find it very hard to envisage him ever actually hitting me. I am pretty sure I am not being in denial over this. I think he is clearly being an emotionally bully though.

OP posts:

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 22:36

Snowfun - thanks for posting. Do you feel you are in an 'abusive' relationship? How long has it been this way for you? Do you have any concerns about it developing into any physical abuse as other posters have mentioned? (Sorry for all the questions!)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 22:41

dhf, your son witnessing this physical aggression is damaging to him

it sounds like an MN cliche, but do you really want him to grow up thinking it is ok for men to bully women and act in such a demeaning way towards the people they are supposed to love and cherish

you home should be a safe place, where you are free to be yourself

you are modifying your behaviour to appease him...is this a lesson you want to teach your son ?

I don't mean to harangue you, and I totally understand if you feel frozen at the moment

but it does seem like you need a reality check, the way you are living is very far from normal nor acceptable

many women on here who endured EA relationships for years will tell you there is a certain pattern to the belittling and taking away of your spirit and spark over time...

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 22:43

Anyfucker - I don't think it's at the stage where it would be noticeable to ds yet (most of the time), I sincerely hope not anyway. It's too subtle for that - too subtle for me even to realise what was / had happened until very recently.

OP posts:

Snowfun · 09/01/2010 22:44

He does get very angry and aggressive at times. He worrys about money alot but not for any particular reason iyswim. He did throw something at me a week before Christmas but he isn't normally physically aggressive towards me.

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 22:46

It's the opposite with me snowfun - I worry about money; he wastes it on melons he doesn't eat. He enjoys looking grandiose in the supermarket - will never buy own brand etc to save money, which really annoys me, especially if something like bogroll ffs.

OP posts:

Seabright · 09/01/2010 22:49

AF - my idea of the necklace in the pocket was meant to be a very small first step, something to build on. If you are feeling so low you don't know where to start surely doing something small can enable you to build using steps you feel comfortable with.

Not everyone, especially someone who's been treated like this, can jump in at the deep end and just find a huge amount of bravery overnight. Small steps, that's my idea, and gradually someone can realise how brave they really are.

Snowfun · 09/01/2010 22:50

Sounds the oposite to me too although I go for cheapest too and the kitchen rolll in question was actually on offer! He will also think nothing of buying biscuits etc we do not needs because we have plenty but that is somehow different!

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 22:55

sea, I see your point, but that particular example would be too subtle for me

if someone is too scared to wear a necklace openly then really they are in seriously deep shit and should leave the house for their own physical safety

the OP has already said she is not in that position

OP, will stop nagging you now, promise, but I would say that children pick up on much more than you would realise...

Snowfun · 09/01/2010 22:57

I meant I go for the cheapest because that is what dh always wants me to do and I know the endless explanations I'd have to go through if I didn't and anything for a quiet life not necessarily because I would choose the cheapest iyswim!

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 22:58

Thanks anyfucker, it is very useful to get another perspective.

Thankfully as you say I am able to wear 'my' necklace and have done so on occasion - it just doesn't go down well that's all but I am not worried I will be physically attacked for doing so.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 23:00

I am leaving this thread now dhf but will lurk because I think you will get some more advice from people who have lived this kind of situation

the best of luck to you

ps. clear your internet history

Original poster

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 23:04

Thank you AnyFucker. For all your advice and especially that last piece!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 09/01/2010 23:44

It doesn't sound as though you love him. Some people might like doing things together a lot and control (although not many) but it sounds very wrong for you.

I suspect the best steps are (a) get the depression cured, get the therapy and take the pills change your diet, take more exercise (b) get a full time well paid job and have a consistent period as a good mother who is not depressed and then (c) leave him if things haven 't improved.

taxiservice · 10/01/2010 00:01

Hi downhillfast. Your man shows signs of being abusive. You need help, he needs help, your ds will need help if you stay together longer.

Please find support from 0808 2000247 - Women's Aid.

It is likely that he is with you because you are vulnerable. Life will be much easier without him around and you will give yourself a chance to recover and your son a better life.

Best wishes and take care

Original poster

downhillfast · 10/01/2010 00:09

I have been looking at the Women's Aid website which has some interesting stuff. Especially this One of the major things which bothers me is nthat dp will never reply or respond or acknowledge when I talk to him. I repeatedly ask him to grunt to show he has heard / is aware i exist, but he never does. It makes me feel invisible.

Also, I held a door open for him earlier today and he saw clearly I am sure, but walked through the other (automatic) door next to it instead which made me feel stupid. Little things I know, but they are adding up. Lots of food for thought.

OP posts:

taxiservice · 10/01/2010 00:19

These are not little things. These are things you would not do to someone if you wanted them to feel good. I would advise you talk to someone at WA but don't let on to OH, it could make things worse.

mumbobumbo · 10/01/2010 13:36

My DD's dad never hit me either. Everything BUT. He was, however, physically intimidating. Would not let me leave the room, towering over me, slamming things around.

I didn't want my little girl growing up watching me being treated like that.

He used to make an issue out of the most ridiculous things. For example, I got shouted at for having the light on during the day time (during a storm when it was dark!).

I also got the spanish inquisition about shopping / expenditure. For example, remarks about how much toilet paper I used! This was when I was pregnant!!!! Everyone knows you have to pee loads when you are pregnant! Of course, it was fine for HIM to spend loads on those wet bumwipe things, because he has sensitive skin. lol

You may not feel like you are being abused, its not a pleasant thing to admit to yourself... but from what you say, it does sound that way. I think it would do you the world of good to plan a way to leave, put some money by etc. You will find once you have the strength to do it that you will be able to cope on your own just fine! Although I have to say, I would make sure you leave it at least 6 months before you have ANY contact with him again.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, as many of the other posters have said. Infact, the verbal / psychological abuse is worse if you ask me. My OH used to say he couldn't be abusive BECAUSE he didn't hit me! What rot!

NicknameTaken · 10/01/2010 15:58

OP, it sounds like abuse to me, even without hitting. Would strongly advise Relate - they won't counsel a couple where one party is emotionally abusive - it couldn't be successful. (My ex and I were turned away after four sessions. I didn't understand it at the time - like you, I hadn't been hit so didn't think it was abusive. I felt horribly abandoned at the time but understand now).

Yes, read as much as you can, especially Lundy Bancroft, talk to Women's Aid, look into some counselling for yourself.

And btw, I left my ex despite not having a driving licence at all and I manage fine! And he won't get custody. Come on over and post in Relationships - so many women have posted about similar situations and have seen things in a different light.

Seabright · 10/01/2010 20:56

DHF - how's it been today? How are you feeling?

bb99 · 11/01/2010 21:22

DHF

Hope things are starting to look better for you today and you're getting some support with all this.

How r u?

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