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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is being domineering?

99 replies

downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:09

He sometimes will literally grab or knock something out of my hand, if we are shopping together, if he doesn't want it and I do, or vice versa. I feel humiliated as we literally end up having a tug of war sometimes in the supermarket.

He also insists on pushing the trolley when he has no idea what I need or what is on the list. He will wander off with it into aisles I don't need to go to, leaving me laden with armfuls of stuff trying to track him down.

He will also waste money on items we don't want - but he says 'he' does. EG There is a melon sitting on the table which he bought before Xmas which he hasn't eaten. I don't like melon.

I am probably BU to put up with it.. but I just want a peaceful life and hate public slanging matches. When I say anything later he denies it, so if I do say anything it has to be there and then. I wish he did not accompany me everywhere, but he says he does it as he loves me and just wants to be with me - but at the supermarket..?

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Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 18:58

Thanks bb99.

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BertieBotts · 09/01/2010 18:59

Downhillfast, you sound really unhappy I wish there was something I could do for you. I have recently left my controlling/emotionally abusive partner and it's so much better on the other side, the thing stopping me mainly was all the stress and upheaval of moving and ending the relationship, but it's over now and wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be.

There are lots of us EA survivors on MN, lots of us single parents and I promise you that you would manage the bills, would you move out or try to get him to move out of a shared house? Do you have a mortgage? Do you have a lot of debts, is that the reason for the high bills?

Sorry if these seem personal questions and feel free to ignore me if you like

Seabright · 09/01/2010 18:59

Well, I know that no self-harm is good, but it could be a lot worse. Do you AD's need altering?

Have you got a Running Away Fund? I'd get one started. Open a really simple Post Office Savings Account (you don't get any post coming to the house with that, if I remember correctly) and stick your loose change in at the end of the week/whenever you go to the Post Office. It'll mount up after a bit and be ALL YOURS!

bb99 · 09/01/2010 19:00

Here it is LINK

It takes a bit of time and runs on-line. Did help me, hope it can help you! Depression is so awful

dittany · 09/01/2010 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooter · 09/01/2010 19:03

CBT doesnt have to be expensive - i did an online course supervised by my doctor. No waiting list, no cost - it was called "beating the blues". It was not as good as a real person, but it definitely helped - and in some ways was easier than confiding potentially embarrassing stuff to someone. See if your GP has access to referring to to it. It would help with your confidence if nothing else. i did it for depression and self harm, and it was great.

If you dont want to be with this man who is undermining you and making things worse, there is always a way...think about what it would be like to still be in the same place 5/10yrs from now. Good luck x

Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:05

You are all really kind. bertie yes I do have a mortgage (in my sole name) and sadly other debts too. He would have to move out of shared house. (House in my sole name.) But he has been paying the mortgage for 5 years so would have some claim on it I guess.

dittany - yes I do drive usually, although he gets irritated if I go anywhere on my own - out of 'concern' he says. I gave my car away to my dad who was in hardship, it was an old one, I now drive dp's car (an automatic which I hate and it's far far too big) and he has a works car.

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Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:06

bb99 - thank you again - I will def have a look at that.

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scottishmummy · 09/01/2010 19:06

ask gp if you are eligible for IAPT for people suffering from depression and anxiety disorders. free and subject to suitability you get 1:1 sessions.or cmht referral for psychology sessions

good luck.this doesn't have to your life.it can change.seek support

Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:09

thanks for that too scottishmummy.

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AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 19:09

adding my sympathy and support to others on this thread x

mumbobumbo · 09/01/2010 19:12

You are in an abusive relationship.

This happened to me, too. A lot of it was about control. Controlling what I did, who I saw, even who was allowed into the house. There were also attempts to take control of my finances.

I left at 7 months pregnant. It wasn't easy. I spent some time living in a Council hostel. BUT.... I am very happy now. Would never consider going back to him.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. Just leave. Go to a women's refuge. TAKE YOUR SON. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. Establish parental responsibility.

Good luck. I promise you that you will be less depressed when you are away from that jerk.

dittany · 09/01/2010 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bb99 · 09/01/2010 19:14

Good Luck and let us know how you are getting on.

I found the 'unhelpful thoughts' bits really helped me to stop being so hard on myself and helped me to feel a bit more posatively towards myself iyswim. Defenitely helped me with my confidence.

That 19 yo is still in there somewhere, with her lovely car

BTW - I haven't been out on the ice this week either!

Parsleypants · 09/01/2010 19:15

Oh downhillfast

My ex-h used to tell me I could never see things through, could never cope etc. Like you, I was a SAHM on anti-depressants. Guess what? He was WRONG. I left in April 2006. I did my Montessori teacher training p/t whilst working and being mum to ds and guess what again? I am now deputy head of a (small independent, admittedly!) school and I swear to God it kills him to see it. You CAN do it if you choose to go it alone. Not saying you should BUT you will cope... because you have to... and because you won't have him telling you that you can't.

scottishmummy · 09/01/2010 19:16

perhaps your depression is reactive (eg his behaviours etc contribute to your low self esteem and low affect) so encouragingly if away from that set of circumstances your mood could lift

mrspnut · 09/01/2010 19:20

Please give Women's Aid a call, they can give you advice and they won't judge you.

There are staff out there that can help you by giving you correct information and supporting you to discover who you are again, not the person that your dp wants you to be.

Parsleypants · 09/01/2010 19:21

I'm so sorry, you work p/t. Is there no way you could go f/t if necessary?

Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:29

He's certainly angry dittany. His behaviour towards other drivers this week has upset me (agressive and impatient and rude, quite frankly).

Mumbobumbo, it doesn't feel abusive though. Sad - yes; irritating - yes; limiting - yes; undermining - yes. But not abusive. I feel that would be undermining a true abusive relationship to call it that. He's never hit me and when I say anything he insists he's doing things to 'help' me.

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HerBeatitude · 09/01/2010 19:30

You know, if someone you love tells you they're so unhappy they're thinking of leaving you, the correct response is not "you won't get custody", it's (after a period of reflection if needed) "Blimey I didn't realise you were so unhappy, how can we put this right?"

this bloke is an abuser. He's grooming you to accept more and more of his control and to make you feel more and more shit about yourself.

The man in your life should make you feel good about yourself, not bad. If it hasn't gone too far, get him to go to Relate, if it has, start making plans to get out.

MrsSawdust · 09/01/2010 19:30

Just wanted to add to dittany's insight about that car you used to have representing your freedom. It also represents your identity. It's far from irrelevant! In driving a car that you don't like and doesn't suit you, you have lost part of your identity. Just another drop in the ocean of your unhappiness in this relationship.

Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:31

mrspnut - 'discover who you are again, not the person that your dp wants you to be. ' Yes that rings a bell. I bought a necklace i liked several months ago, and the next day he bought me one he 'liked better'. He hates it when I wear the one I bought / liked.

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HerBeatitude · 09/01/2010 19:32

Ah yes, he's never hit you. Not yet. He hasn't yet got you to the stage where you will accept physical abuse - that's what the grooming is about. Emotional abuse (which is what he's doing at the moment) sets you up for physical abuse.

Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:35

Yes it did represent my identity MrsSawdust, it was a beautiful car, an audi cabrio. Wasteful, which makes me feel guilty now I earn so much less, but I had a good job when I was younger and could have gone on to great things. I don't regret it though, I always longed to be a mum and ds is my no 1 priority. I don't want him to be a latchkey child like I was. I laugh now to think of frumpy dumpy me in a car like that.

I used to be attractive, happy, lively, confident. I would feel stupid even entertaining the thought of even getting in a car like that now. So you are right and very insightful, yes I guess it was quite relevant actually!

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Original poster
downhillfast · 09/01/2010 19:36

HerBeautitde - that is quite shocking. He shouts and swears at me when angry, but never in 5 years made a move to hit me, and I am ashamed to admit, I did once lunge at him.

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