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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to do half the cleaning?

115 replies

cinnamonbun · 08/01/2010 13:52

Just a little survey to see how much housework other mums are doing compared to their DHs to (hopefully
) back me up next time my DH and I are arguing about who does what in the house!

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have a 7 month-old who can be pretty high-maintenance sometimes. We have a one-bed flat. My husband works full-time. On a daily basis I do the shopping, cooking, washing-up and laundry (on top of looking after the baby of course). In the evening I bathe and put DD to bed. What I'm wondering is, AIBU to expect DH to help me clean the house on the weekends? I just don't know how to find the time during the week! What do you think?

OP posts:
RoseBlossoms · 08/01/2010 13:58

Hmmm its the same fight in every household in the country! Pick your battles!

IMVHO YANBU to expect some help on a weekend but YABU to expect him to do half.

Good luck in sorting out so your both happy with the situation!

Pwsimerimew · 08/01/2010 13:59

Only fair IMO x

Drinkerbell · 08/01/2010 13:59

I don't think so but not sure if I'll be in the minority!
My DH and I had a blazing row this morning about this. He is not working just at the moment and is generally a VERY untidy person. He's the kind of "tell me what to do and I'll do it" person which really translates to "I'll do nothing until nagged asked".
Today we were bickering about something and he announced that over the last few days he had been tidying up after himself "without complaining"...

I nearly decked him...

That said, it's worth trying to find nice things to do at the weekends as well. The house can become a bit of an obsession when you don't have time to clean it and you really want to! A bit of balance maybe. One day you clean, the next you all do something relaxing?

traceybath · 08/01/2010 14:03

Well my suggestions would be:

  • get a cleaner
  • try and get as much done in the week so you both then get to enjoy the weekends
  • he should help at weekends but I can understand if he's working very long hours in the week he may feel it a little unfair to be expected to do half of all chores (from the week) at the weekend

My situation is that DH works very long hours and we have 3dc's (only one at school) so I do the vast majority of household chores. But I have a cleaner once a fortnight.

I wouldn't expect him to start cleaning the bathroom at the weekend as would rather he entertained dc's or we did something as a family.

When you go back to work though you'll need to re-think who does what to ensure its fair to both of you.

thatsnotmymonster · 08/01/2010 14:09

It's an age old argument and I have basically given up expecting much help.

I have 3 under 5 and am a SAHM. I basically do everything, even at weekends. DH is also a tell me what to do and I'll do it person but when I do ask, he moans, grumbles, pulls a face etc so it's just not worth it.

He does dc's breakfast but I know he resents it. I do everything else including bath and bed.

He will help load/unload the dishwasher and occasionally put a load of his clothes in the washing machine. He will do tasks if I ask him because we are having people over etc and need it to be tidier than normal!

Original poster
cinnamonbun · 08/01/2010 14:10

Thanks for your input. Hmm, I think I'll keep quiet about this survey!

We looked into getting a cleaner but decided it would be too expensive. TBH, I don't expect him to do much more than hoover and maybe dust on the weekends but even so I always have to nag! I don't think he's ever actually cleaned the bathroom .

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 08/01/2010 14:14

When I was on maternity leave I did all the cleaning myself BUT my DH did ALL the cooking and washing up, every day, and very often the shopping too. He also did do other cleaning jobs at the weekend if I asked him to. He never once complained.

The way I (and my DH thankfully) see it, looking after a baby and house is a full time job. Just because I do that job at home doesn't make it any less demanding or tiring than his job. And if your H doesn't help out when he's at home, that means you are effectively working 24hr days 7 days pw.

So, your H needs to pull his finger out IMO.

diddl · 08/01/2010 14:15

I am SAHM, so as a rule get cleaning/washing/ironing done in the week.

At weekends, one cooks, other washes up, or we "muck in" together.

Pikelit · 08/01/2010 14:16

I think I'd rather spend my weekends doing more enjoyable family things. Cleaning can be done any time (usually best in little doses anyway or by someone else!) but life rarely divides itself into neat percentages.

While I'm the last person to pontificate about men going out to work and women having to clean up after them, you do have to work out some sort of fair division of overall labour that isn't just based around splitting the cleaning and household chores in half. Of course your DH should help, this goes without saying, but would you rather this was demonstrated by hours of joyless cleaning or being a bit more flexible about dividing the chores so that you can all enjoy yourselves as a family at the weekend?

claw3 · 08/01/2010 14:16

We have 4 children, 16, 13 and 5 (sn), dss 16 visits at weekends etc, making up the 4.

In my house i do cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, i dont work, but i do study.

DP works long hours and sometimes at weekends. He takes care of the car (which i drive, not him), does DIY etc and will occasionally cook dinner, do bath/bed time.

Works for us. Are you feeling that you cant cope with it all or that it is just unfair?

Tee2072 · 08/01/2010 14:18

Really? None of you think her DH should help out? And she should get a cleaner?

During the week I take care of almost 7 month old son, the laundry and general keeping the place tidy. Oh and all the cooking.

During the week DH does the washing up after dinner, gets up 3 nights a week with DS (who is sleeping through more and more, but he's 'on call' 3 nights a week), takes out the garbage and runs the hoover (which he loves to do, he's a bit obsessed about it, actually ).

On Saturdays we go grocery shopping and other errands in the morning and relax in the afternoons.

Every other Sunday morning we clean. I do bathrooms and all the dusting (he won't dust!). He does the kitchen deep clean and a more thorough hoover. Sunday afternoons we relax or go out somewhere as a family. The Sunday morning we don't clean, we just hang out, play with DS, sleep in, whatever.

DS sits in his bouncy chair, BTW, while DH and I clean on Sunday, with one of us chatting to him.

Bonsoir · 08/01/2010 14:18

If you have only one baby and live in a small flat, no, I don't think your DH should be cleaning at the weekends. I think he should be spending time with your baby and you. Fine for your DH to help out with tasks that happen unavoidably at weekends (cooking, loading DW etc) but you should get the routine weekly chores done in the week IMVHO.

SixtyFootDoll · 08/01/2010 14:18

I think he should do some of the chores that need doing at the weekend, ut I wouldnt expect him to do half

Tee2072 · 08/01/2010 14:19

I forgot to say we work together to change our bed and DS cot/Amby (he uses both at the moment) every Sunday whether its a cleaning Sunday or not.

lizziemun · 08/01/2010 14:22

I'm a SAHM and i do all the cleaning/cooking. But I do not do any cleaning after DH gets in from work, and at weekends i only do the cooking and dh does the loading of dishwash. Although this does tend to be just plates as i clear away as i go.

I do shopping on sat's but that the only time i have access to our car.

Original poster
cinnamonbun · 08/01/2010 14:23

MrsSawdust - can we swap please!!

OP posts:
diddl · 08/01/2010 14:24

When I had only one baby it seemed that the week was long enough to do what needed doing, tbh.

In fact when I had a toddler & baby a week was long enough unless I or one of them was ill.

Pikelit · 08/01/2010 14:26

I do think the OP's DH should help. But not necessarily by asking him to spend the weekend cleaning on a point of principle alone.

Original poster
cinnamonbun · 08/01/2010 14:26

Well technically, I guess I would have time to do a bit of cleaning during the week but only if I started spending less time on MN...and I'm not sure I want to hehe

OP posts:
Rindercella · 08/01/2010 14:27

When DD was a small baby, DH was working very long hours during the week and I was a SAHM. There was no way on Earth that I would have expected him to do a little bit of hoovering or dusting at the weekends, and I think he would've had words with me if I had suggested it!

However, now I am still a SAHM, DD is 2 yrs old and I am 7 mths pg. DH is not working and still doesn't do anything much. Which is really beginning to piss me off. Our dishwasher broke yesterday. I emptied it, washed everything up. Kept all washing up up-to-date through the day and then after dinner (which I cooked) he said he was going upstairs, I asked what about the washing up. He did it, but very begrudgingly.

He has earned some Brownie points today though as he did the supermarket shopping - the roads are treacherous by us and Sainsbury's was chaos apparently, so I really did appreciate him doing that.

Honestly - get someone to help you to keep on top of things just a couple of hours a week and you can then have your weekends doing fun family stuff. Much better arrangement

stickylittlefingers · 08/01/2010 14:27

I think it depends quite what you mean by cleaning. If you mean sort of general tidying and keeping the place going sort of cleaning, not YANBU. If you mean more onerous tasks, perhaps a bit U.

Can't help thinking a 1 bed flat can't be that hard to keep clean - can it? We had a smallish sort of starter home (except with Dublin prices it was a family home for a lot of the people on our estate) when I was on ML with dd1, and it really didn't take much cleaning.

I may well have very low standards tho

clemette · 08/01/2010 14:33

I don't really believe in housework, so if I don't want to do it I can see why DH doesn't.
BUT - given that we have two DCs, are both out of the house full-time, and have tons of cclutter, we do have to do things occasionally.
The solution we came up with - "tidy half hour". Every evening when the DCs are in bed we do 15-30mins straightening/cleaning. Whoever is cooking does the kitchen and the other person gets to choose what is bugging them the most. I sort/put away washing while he is bathing the children.
Then there is nothing much to do at the weekend beyond routine stuff like loading/unloading DW (his job) and ironing (mine).
Who gives a stuff if the house is spotless - as long as the family is happy.

Original poster
cinnamonbun · 08/01/2010 14:38

Stickylittlefingers, by cleaning I mean hoovering, dusting and cleaning the bathroom. But of course I don't expect him to do ALL of it, just as I said maybe hoovering and sometimes dusting. I know it's only a 1-bed flat but it takes surprisingly long to clean, not sure why.

Once, with an ex-BF I actually made a chart and promised to reward each task he'd done with a golden star sticker. It started as just a joke but all of a sudden the flat started looking nice and clean! I doubt it'd work with my DH though...

OP posts:
Rindercella · 08/01/2010 14:41

I would start getting your DH to bath your DD on weekend evenings actually. And put her to bed afterwards. This will get her used to someone else doing it, it's something really nice your DH can do with your DD and it'll give you some time to yourself in the early evenings.

DH always baths DD. But I am the only one who has ever put her to bed. This is seriously beginning to worry me as what am I going to do in a couple of months' time when DD2 comes along?! I guess that's a whole new thread entirely.

claw3 · 08/01/2010 14:42

Cinnamonbun, im not surprised the other guy is your ex, a reward of a golden star? or is that code for something else!