to expect DH to do half the cleaning?

[cinnamonbun]

Just a little survey to see how much housework other mums are doing compared to their DHs to (hopefully
) back me up next time my DH and I are arguing about who does what in the house!

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have a 7 month-old who can be pretty high-maintenance sometimes. We have a one-bed flat. My husband works full-time. On a daily basis I do the shopping, cooking, washing-up and laundry (on top of looking after the baby of course). In the evening I bathe and put DD to bed. What I'm wondering is, AIBU to expect DH to help me clean the house on the weekends? I just don't know how to find the time during the week! What do you think?

But i'm sure the person who goes to work have to multi-task too. He could say 'i was talking to client on the phone and looking on pc the same And had to hold my coffee to'.

Tbh if i was coming from work and partner complaint about 'having to do the dishwasher' and 'having to cook his lunch' i would laugh.Sorry if this sounds harsh to OP.

Depends whether you see being a parent as being a job. I don't. It's a labour of love.

I'm also not a big fan of the 'quality experiences' type attitude. Children are a part of the family. It's entirely normal to pop on a wash, or run a duster around while you have a baby, and when they're toddlers they usually love nothing more than 'helping' with a duster, or doing their own hand washing. I used to give my kids a bowl to handwash their socks while I did a few chores. They loved it!

I would have felt pretty unreasonable if my DH had walked in from work while I was on maternity leave and I hadn't managed to do a single chore between 8 and 6 !

i meant to write 'the same time' and 'coffee too'.

Cirrhosis, you ve made me fall of my chair

OP, yes you are unreasonable expecting your DH to do 1/2 the cleaning
If you are out of the house for most of the week, you are not geographically there to do 50% the stuff
If you are at home, then you breakdown cleaning, cooking and shopping into bitesize pieces to fit around child care
Once you are back at work, then that becomes a whole new ball game of negotiation

Um, it's the big one this, in my opinion. Excellent and potentially never-ending source of aggro if you let it.
We both work f/t (but flexi hours) and run a business together from home as well. We have four kids.
I do - almost all shopping and food planning (ie "what shall we eat on Tuesday") and all laundry. All cooking except Sunday roast, which is his domain - as are barbecues, of course.
Dh does: manly stuff like chopping logs, checking car anti-freeze, mowing the lawn. He also pitches in with bedtimes (but you have to check as more often than not he hasn't bothered to insist on teeth).
He brings me coffee and toast every morning in bed, though, for which I can forgive his patriarchal approach to everytning else.
It more or less works for us, though he says "but I do HELP you when you ask me to" which speaks volumes about what he really thinks my role is. For this reason, I think, I've ended up paying for all childcare and the cleaner (yes, that's how we really manage) as I think he definitely sees it as my domain, or should that be my problem...!
There are times when I feel like Cinderella, seemingly the only person every to tidy up anything or put any of the constant drift of crap in the house back where it belongs.
Is v important (but not easy) to train kids up to help too. Our olders do their own laundry, clean their own rooms (or not, is up to them) and do the dishwasher and washing up after every meal.
OP, I'm torn. Looking back I think being a sahm with one baby is a piece of cake really - I envy you, plus in a one-bed flat, how much housework can there be? But if you don't establish now that he ought to be doing SOMETHING, he never will. Good luck!

Just to open this up - who pays for what in your set-up? Am I the only one to have to pay for all childcare and the cleaner because in some way it is "my" responsibility?

ime the basic equation is that the total work (including earning money, shopping, cooking, cleaning) needs to be divided by two. end of. there is no logical reason at all why one person should do more work than the other. the difficulty comes in translating that into reality. when one perons wohm and one doesn't it becomes particularly hard.

sorry if this has already been suggested. but how about turning the whole thing round and rather than dividing up work think about dividing - equally - non-work time. with tiny kids I think this works better because virtually every waking hour is, imo, a working hour. but you both need time off. and yiu need equal time off. negotiating positive things might also be easier and more appealing - there's an immediate and obvious benefit to both.

I missed out looking after the kids in my list of total work. derr.

duchesse the OP has a 7 month baby which is a bit different to a 4 month old who is breast feeding in the way that your dd is. I would never aim to do 3 hours of housework a day personally as I think this is too much, but then I am not fanatically houseproud!

My baby was bottle fed and slept without being held. Yours sleeps just 11 hours in total which is a lot less than the 13 to 16 hours that 50% of babies this age sleep. Therefore I would imagine that you have substantially less opportunity than I did to do housework or other things when your child is asleep. But I would say that my experience is far more typical. most babies sleep much longer than yours at that age, and most are bottle fed at that age.

I am not pretending to be some kind of baby expert!!! I just think that being at home with a baby and keeping the house clean at the same time is not generally particularly onerous.

If the OP had said that her baby sleeps for just 10 hours a day and that she has a 4 bedroomed house to clean and 3 other children under 5 then I could understand why there may be insufficent time to clean the house in the week...but one 7 month old baby and a 1 bed flat to keep clean doesn't seem like a tall order to me, that's all.

One point that seems to be missing from this and every other post regarding housework.

What did your DH do before you had your child when, presumably, you were both working? Assuming you had a more equal partnership in terms of housework, how comes he gets to do less now you have a child together?

I would nip this in the bud if I were you, and quickly, otherwise you'll find that you are still doing it all when you go back to work.

But I don't think it will be easy. All this 'just tell me what you want me to do' crap is just that. A relationship should be a partnership where you work out together how you want to live and what you each need to do to achieve that. Then you should both be adult enough to take responsibility for your share.

But hey, what do I know, this became an absolute deal breaker for me in the end. And, surprisingly, it turned out that the person who created the most housework in our house was my ex. Even with 3 DCs, I can keep the house clean and tidier much more easily now than when he lived here! Even the DCs are beginning to help now they don't have him doing bugger all as their role model!

TOTALLY agree with Hatwoman. We kind of work things out by ensuring we both have a fairly equal amount of relaxation time. So when DH comes home at 6, he sorts the kids for an hour whilst I run around like a looney tidying up and cooking tea. Kids in bed by 7.30. Eat tea, clean up. Both of us then have 'free time' by about 8.30. Which I choose to spend on MN and watching TV, and DH spends working on his bike and on ebay!

Clemette, your daily routine sounds exactly like mine was when DS1 was 7 months old. So Earthstar, you came across as a nanny or something as if you didn't have any actual children of your own, or as if you hadn't actually BEEN a SAHM. But then I read your comment about your baby being a good sleeper, and falling to sleep without being held and your comments started to make sense. Don't get me wrong - my two weren't AWFUL sleepers, it just wasn't a case of "put them in their cot wide awake and off they went", that's all. They needed lots of cuddles and shushing first, and lots of resettling when they woke from teething or whatever, as they do at that age. All very well spouting theories of the number of hours that babies SHOULD sleep like some kind of scientist, but everyone else on here has some experience of the real world and 7 month old babies who take an hour to settle to sleep, or just want cuddling for ages or who just cry whenever they're awake and you try to clean the bathroom. Babies who are just MISERABLE. Sounds like you had a lovely contented baby. My sister's second was like that, fell to sleep on her own and slept LOADS, and was happy when she was awake. Only cried when hungry etc, etc. My two were the opposite - miserable, whingey, clingy things. (Lovely now they are older though!)

And PMSL at everyone who thinks that sex with DH is a routine part of a new mum's daily life. I was being facetious really, just giving it as an example as a recreational activity that it's nice to build into your day. Probably more realistic to stick it in the "chores" category.

I know what people are saying - one baby and a 1 bedroom flat is a much easier combination than multiple children and a 3 bedroom house, but I think some people haven't had experience of nightmare, whingey 7 month olds, when it's an achievement just getting through the day.

Guess we'll never know how easy/difficult the OP's baby is, but if the OP really is running herself ragged trying to do her best to get the essentials done during the day when she can before DH gets home, then she is entitled to ask for a bit of help at the weekend wtih chores, NOT for him to sit watching telly while she runs round hoovering and clearning.

OP- I do think your husband should help out when he is at home in the evenings and at weekends, though not necessarily with the cleaning. He doesn't work long hours so I imagine he is home in time to bathe the baby while you tidy up and make a start on your evening meal or the other way around. At the weekend, he should share childcare, cooking, washing up, assuming that he has no work commitments.
I do, however, think that you are being quite inefficient with your time. You only have one small baby and two adults (one of whom is out of the house most of the day). I can't see the need to do half the jobs on your list of chores every day.

-do the shopping (yes, everyday)- you don't need to do this every day, maybe once a week, twice at the most!! If you don't have a car or he takes it to work, then he could do the big shop or the two of you could go together at the weekend.
-tidy and clean the kitchen- yes, but this is pretty quick.
-do the dishwasher- I only do mine once a day with three children.
-do the laundry-every other day should be plenty with only one baby!
-make purees for DD- why do you need to do this everyday? Can't you just make a batch once a week and freeze it plus use mashed banana, potato, etc?
-cook lunch & dinner- I think DH could help with dinner, lunch for you must be quick.
give DD a bath and put her to bed- yes, DH should help.
& obviously play with her & take her for a walk- yes, of course

I think you are making life a bit hard for yourself by doing some of these things everyday when there is absolutely no need. Otherwise, it could make life impossible if you were to have two or more children. I do think your DH should help when he is around though and not take it for granted that you do everything.

I am SAHM, DP works full time in a warehouse, leaving at about 7 or 8 and getting back about 5 or 6 (depending on which shift he worked). DD1 is 2.10 yo and DD2 is 7 wo.

The theory (not really working atm as my SPD and section scar have got suddenly worse for some reason, as well as the snow being about a foot deep round here, so getting out is something to be avoided at all costs apart from DP going to work) is this:

M-F DP gets up, I am usually awake and feeding DD2 (who co-sleeps) at this point. He brings DD1 upstairs and I chat to her while DD2 feeds. He might also shove some laundry in the washing machine if need be, or hang some round the oven (it's a range so heats the kitchen), depending on if he has time.

During the day I aim to keep on top of basic cleaning, laundry and washing up. I do the supermarket shop online on a Sunday to be delivered on a Monday and on a Tuesday go to the local shops for my meat and veg and anything I might have forgotten. I try to do the household admin on a Monday, as well as any general sorting out or deep cleaning that might occur to me. I cook breakfast and dinner for me and DD1 and tea for everyone most nights, although if I am tired or whatever, DP will quite happily do it.

We make a special effort to all sit round the kitchen table for tea, then DP will often do a bit of washing up or something or we might bath and sort out kids together. DD1 goes to bed at 7.30, then I consider myself "off-duty" (apart from DD2, but as she is so tiny, she just needs cuddles and a boob)

Weekends vary enormously, but today I am proud of us, as we managed to only let DD1 watch about half an hour of cbeebies yet still did a deep clean of the kitchen and a sort out of the toys and clothes and loads of good quality play time was had. DP did a ton of washing up (I've let it slide as standing hurts atm) and made me endless brews as I fed the baby

I'm lucky in that DP considers looking after the kids as just as hard as his job, so if he gets home and I haven't been able to do the housework, he is ok about it generally, and if he has a day off he will do a lot of housework. If I'm honest, I wish he did slightly less housework and instead spent the time with the kids, but we have had such a lovely day today that it seems daft to moan.

DD1 does go round to her Grandparents (DP's family) quite a lot, and they have started taking DD2 for short periods too, so I do have a bit more chance to do stuff than the average SAHM.

I really don't see housework as a priority though, I put it behind playgroup and even general play activities (and mn ). Housework just needs doing again and again anyway, the kids won't be this tiny forever.