to expect DH to do half the cleaning?

[cinnamonbun]

Just a little survey to see how much housework other mums are doing compared to their DHs to (hopefully
) back me up next time my DH and I are arguing about who does what in the house!

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have a 7 month-old who can be pretty high-maintenance sometimes. We have a one-bed flat. My husband works full-time. On a daily basis I do the shopping, cooking, washing-up and laundry (on top of looking after the baby of course). In the evening I bathe and put DD to bed. What I'm wondering is, AIBU to expect DH to help me clean the house on the weekends? I just don't know how to find the time during the week! What do you think?

Don't dust - it is a waste of time (unless you are asthmatic/allergic).
What's your hoover like? DH started showing an interest in the hoover once we got a Dyson (more manly??)

DH is doing all the housework at the moment (I do odd bits of tidying and laundry) as I'm 38wks pregnant with DC1. We usually split it roughly half-and-half - I do a little bit every day, whereas he'll go for one big blitz at the weekend. We've decided he will continue to do all the housework when the baby is still tiny, but I'll try and do most of the cooking, as I enjoy it more than he does.

OP, YANBU to ask DH to clean the house at weekends. Is only fair, really. Good luck with negotiations!

Does he ever say - ooh the place could do with a hoover, or anything like that? That would certainly be a cue for explaining where the vacuum cleaner is kept.

LOL at star chart, that's crazy! - surely something more than a gold star was involved

clemette - I also took more interest once we got a dyson. I love the way you can see the dust going in - oh the joy of sucking up the pine needles!!

It's like one of those glass things filled with different coloured sand. The strata of our house muck...

This argument is as old as the hills, and I guess is representative of the fact that in many modern relationships are very equal until children come along, and then all of a sudden are thrown back into a much more "traditional" set up, which can be really hard. I'm sure I spent the first year of DD1's life constantly seething about how much domestic stuff I was now doing and how little DH was doing ! However, I then took a conscious decision that I could choose to let it bother me, or not bother me, and that by choosing to let it largely not bother me, I was improving my life!

Instead I try to concentrate on what DH does do, which is (a) works long hours when I have the chance to work part time; (b) cooks most nights; (c) most car-related stuff; (d) most DIY stuff except painting; (e) digs, plants & weeds the vegetable garden, rather than obsessing about the fact that he doesn't EVER clean the bathroom!!

I think the chores should go like this:
you do all of the shopping, laundry and cleaning and get it all done during the week. I think you should also do most of the other jobs - sorting out house maintenance, holidays, paying bills, servicing/insuring the car etc, again during the week.

In the week, if you cook then dh should wash up. Dh should bathe your dd and put her to bed at least twice during the week.
At the weekend the only chores should be cooking and washing up and you should share these. You should also share childcare at the weekend so that you both can have some child free time if you want it.

Would that work?

Message withdrawn

Good point well made, Pitchounette. I made my DH read 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen, to prepare him for the first few months of our DC's life!

i agreed to be a stay at home MUM and not a housewife.

I wash the clothes, I cook the majority of the meals, shopping, deal with finances - anything else is bonus and not to be expected. We're both fairly crap at the whole tidy thing though.

Yes, he works a 40 hr week, but I am the one who does school runs, all extra curriculars, birthday parties, feed a baby through the night and most importantly cope with Flameboy every day.

I think we both work equally hard so should share the tasks.

Thanks Pitchounette! I also think lookin after a baby is a full-time job in itself, and if I do all the cleaning then I won't have much to play with her. I'm actually surprised at how many of you think I should do the cleaning myself during the week. Whatever happened to female solidarity? But then I'm from Scandinavia so maybe my expectations are different?

I think that the fairest way to do this sort of thing is to split the hours! So if one partner works full time outside the house, that's what? 40 hours a week? working. contributing to the family. So the other person should put in the same amount of hours! - I'm not suggesting time sheets are kept , but a full days work is a full days work!

Anything that cannot be done in that full working week should be split between the 2, and evening / weekend childcare should be split between the 2.

I actually do not see why, in situations where one partner is working outside the home and the other is not, that the first should come home and do everything in the home from that point on, or should be seen to have to 'do their share' by taking over - they are doing their share! They are bringing in the money!!!

It just seems unfair to want a 50/50 split of housework and childcare unless both people are working outside the home for the same number of hours. Because to ask someone who works full time 'out there' to come home and take over is actually asking them to do the lions share of everything!! Not fair at all, imo.

Bramshott's approach suited me. But what I would strongly advise against is any sort of rota on which all tasks are listed and allocated in forensic detail. Introduce one of those and then you have another thing to disagree over. Such disagreements actually taking more time than doing the sodding cleaning would. Regardless of who did it.

Realistically, how much housework are you talking about here, for a one-bed flat with two adults and a baby? Because I'm a bit lost as to what will be left for him to do half of?

Once you eliminate the daily cooking-washing up-childcare components, what are you left with in a week? A couple of rounds of dusting/hoovering in a couple of rooms? A good bathroom scrub once, same for the kitchen and the loads of laundry - one a day, maybe?

He should be doing half the 'daily' chores at weekend, because you're both in the house, so stuff like cooking, washing up, and any laundry that needs doing at weekends. He should also be doing half the stuff for your DC at weekend, if not slightly more because he's not free to do it during the week, being at his job. You should also leave your big weekly shop until the weekend when he's free to help (or order it online!)

But, you might be being a little unfair expecting him to help with more housework at weekends. Is he literally going out to work, coming home and doing absolutely nothing at all during the week, including never changing a nappy? Because only then would you be fair to ask him to do half the 'big' housework as well.

If you're really struggling that much, perhaps you need to sit down and look at what actually needs to get done/when and how you're doing it etc as a family. You may find that the issue is one of planning and routine rather than a genuine need.

Also, start giving some thought as to what will happen if/when you go back to work full time.

But Heqet, I'm not asking him to do ANYthing during the week! He comes home, dinner is on the table and he can put his feet up afterwards while I put DD to bed. Is it really too much to ask that he just hoovers on Saturdays?? I forgot to mention that I also keep the kitchen clean and tidy everyday and cook daughter's purees myself. All these things add up and take time.

If he's home before bathtime he should help with that. Once cooks and one puts dc to bed.

Does he not work very long hours? I tend to judge these threads by applying my own situation but my DH tends to get in at 7pm'ish and then work from 7.30pm until late most nights at home.

For clairification - is he currently doing anything round the house or with your DD? Or does he think he goes to work, you do EVERYTHING domestic/child related, weekdays AND weekends?

If he's pulling - 'I go to work Monday to Friday, and therefore do not need to contribute anything else' YANBU. There are seven days in a week, not five and there's no reason he shouldn't do half the work during those two days.

If, however, he comes in and does help at all, then you need to look at a better system.

Maybe ASK him which he would prefer. He can help you with day to day tasks in the evenings after work, like the cooking etc, OR he can help you with the big stuff at weekends on Sunday mornings say. His choice.

But he doesn't get to do a 40 hour working week and NOTHING else. That's not fair - because you don't get to a 40 hour week and nothing else!

Well, he has two jobs - one's about 25 hours and the other's about 6 hours a week.

cleaner
or
one room cleaned a night policy which you both do together...takes about 30 mins a night that way

"Is it really too much to ask that he just hoovers on Saturdays??"

I believe that I said that it wasn't.

"Anything that cannot be done in that full working week should be split between the 2, and evening / weekend childcare should be split between the 2."

My DP works FT and I usually do but I am on maternity leave. He is a clean freak- but does it himself so I don't mind. I am 'allowed' to hoover and dust and he insists he does the rest. He does all washing, ironing, bathrooms, windows, scrting boards, cars, lights, and washing up if we eat together.

I cook a good meal for his tea 3 times a week as he works shifts so is not always home for it and do the cooking on his days off.

I do the majority of baby care but he gives me 2 hours off 3 times a week to go to the gym etc. He also changes some nappies etc on his days off.
He's brill

Golly - if he's not even doing fulltime hours he should definitely be doing a lot more at home.

Seconding PP.

He does a 31 hour working week. Take it 40 to allow a very generous amount of commuting and OT.

Which means he does eight hours work, five days a week.

Anything you cannot do in eight hours a day, five days a week, he should be sharing with you fifty/fifty.

Get him doing half the cooking in the evenings. Half the baths. Half the bedtimes. Night time duty one night at weekends. Half of ALL the chores at weekends.

That's a fair split.

Then ask him if he'd rather do that, than help with a bit if hoovering etc at weekends instead.

Alternately, stop making his tea and just sit down when he comes in from work if you're doing everything at weekends. Your day stops when his does.

Both my girls are at school and I work three days a week.

He leaves the house at 5.45am and is rarely home before 8pm. If we waited for him to cook it would a)be very late and b) a health hazard.

Yes I do all the house work/ laundry/shopping etc which I think is fair enough as I have 2 days a week off- Before the DDs were at school I had a cleaner who did the housework and the ironing so I could spend my days off with them.

Having said that, we both had 2 weeks off at Christmas and he didn't lift a finger to help- which I do think is unreasonable.

I agree with those who distinguish between minding children and cleaning. I gave up my job to be with my children in their pre-school years, not to clean house. I'd go insane - housework is tedious and boring.

Our compromise: I spend between 1-3 hours each day tidying, hoovering, laundry, wiping food off the floor. I do all night calls, morning wake-ups, bedtime etc. Evenings and weekends are shared - this includes cleaning the bathrooms. Nap-time, while we still have them (not for much longer) is mummy's grown-up time, and not to be contaminated by dirty floors or any toddler artefact. I'm okay with dishes in my sink if it means I have a chance to read something stimulating.

Arrggghhh... this 'who has to do what' thing gets my blood boiling (if I think about it).

I do cleaning/cooking/washing up/laundry (errr...everything in other words!) over the week, bath the baby and change his nappies too. Last time DP changed nappy was ages (ok, maybe not ages, weeks) ago.

It all pisses me off big time upsets me and I tried talking to him with no luck. I just accept that while I'm on M/L I do everything. Real rows will start once I am back to work.

I want to hit him sometimes though, when he wanders into the bedroom at 10-11pm (after I have just put the baby to sleep), switches on his sidelamp and goes on to read a book (bastard).