to expect DH to do half the cleaning?

[cinnamonbun]

Just a little survey to see how much housework other mums are doing compared to their DHs to (hopefully
) back me up next time my DH and I are arguing about who does what in the house!

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have a 7 month-old who can be pretty high-maintenance sometimes. We have a one-bed flat. My husband works full-time. On a daily basis I do the shopping, cooking, washing-up and laundry (on top of looking after the baby of course). In the evening I bathe and put DD to bed. What I'm wondering is, AIBU to expect DH to help me clean the house on the weekends? I just don't know how to find the time during the week! What do you think?

I'm taking a break from work to have some free time to spend with my kids and on myself too. Obviously I do family bureaucracy, since the kids are at school all day and dh gets home very late, but there's no way I'm spending all day cleaning!! Nor's he though - we have a cleaner

No, YANBU.

Having children is a full time job. There is no 9-5, if one of the children is ill or up at night you have to get up with them, even if you are ill yourself. Chances are, those with pre school age children are working at least a 12 hour day, looking after a child and keeping house. You can't just go home and 'switch off' at 5pm.

My hsuabnd works long hours, 8-6 or 7 ish Mon-Fri and some weekends too. He does get long holiday periods though, and is of now until 18th Jan. (sicne 15th Dec) All my children are at school, but I have a lot of pets to look after and three dogs to groom/walk daily. I do what I can in the house, but have no qualms about asking DH to help out, and he will happily help if needed with no request, or cook dinner if I am tired etc. I have morning sickness at the moment, and as he is off, he is pretty much doing everything, including taking my children to/from school, although I help when I can.

Dh is perfectly happy to do all of thsi, and I help him out when I can, by taking him lunch at work and other small things like that.

God, this debate near enough ended my marriage this year!

DH did sweet FA around the house when I was on ML. Because DS was a terrible sleeper, I felt like I was working 24 hours a day and that DH was working 8 hours at his job and coming home and playing XBox rather than helping his exhausted and miserable wife. So I have a lot of sympathy with the OP.

Now I am back at work as a teacher (so work long hours for most of the family income) and DH has cut his hours to be a part time SAHD. We have a cleaner as nothing would get done otherwise. At weekends we share pretty evenly and during school hols I do everything except the cleaning.

I do often come home and do the mundane household tasks that DH has "forgotten" to do but I also quite often tell DH bluntly that I have work to do in the evening and therefore he's going to have to do everything.

I have also started saying "I don't know" when he asks me what's for dinner

Has he ever looked after your DC for a day? Does he know exactly what is involved? Does he see the necessity for the cleaning but just expect you to do it, or does he have lower standards?

I'm with Hequet, while you have a 7 month old the vast majority of the time with the baby equates to 'work' therefore when you are both in the house chores should be split about 50:50, but if possible so that you each are doing the ones you feel are important.

We split the chores DH ironing, tidying, hoovering, washing up, bathing DC, me cooking, shopping, washing. (roughly). He is tidier than I am (I know I am very lucky) and I like cooking more than he does.

Im a sahm, DP works full time with an hours commute each way. We do about 50/50 housework and 50/50 childcare when he is at home (weekends & after work)

You've got to remember that not all 7 month old babies are the same. Some need more sleep than others during the day. Some are just HAPPIER and content to watch their carer clean the bath or whatever. Mine weren't, and DS2 didn't sleep at all during the day for a good few months, he just cried and wanted to be cuddled or carried about. And I had a 2 year old at the same time. It made chores like cleaning the bathroom very difficult to do when I was on my own (ie they just didnt get done). When DS2 did eventually start sleeping a bit during the day, I felt that I'd neglected DS1 so badly that I spent all DS2's naptimes playing with DS1.

I admit it is easier to get stuff done with just one though. That said, it was (and still is) an unspoken agreement with me and DH that if we're both at home, neither one of us plonks our arse on the sofa and lets the other one get on with chores/childcare on their own. Weekend or weekday after he's home from work, whatever still needs doing that I haven't managed to do during the day, we BOTH do them until they're done and then we sit down together to relax once the children are in bed.

I think a really good start would be for your DH to look after the baby when he comes in while you do things you might have not managed in the day. He could give the baby any bottles/tea or whatever. Or just play with her. And whoever baths the baby, the other one starts preparing the evening meal for you both. Take it in turns to put your DD to bed as she will never learn to settle with her dad if you don't start doing that at some point, and you will never get to go out anywhere of an evening without fear of a call on your mobile from a panicked DH to say that DD has woken up and won't settle with him and needs you to come back. (this happens regularly with a couple of mums i know - )

Just TRY and get most stuff done during the day during the week, but then any bigger jos that still needs doing at the weekend - either you do it while your DH minds the baby/takes her out for a walk, or you share it between you.

If your DH doesn't like it, do what I did - get a weekend job and leave him in charge of the house and baby on a weekend day. It'll soon open his eyes!

Oh yes, and it is a very good point to say that when you're in charge of a young child, you're in charge of it, you don't suddenly turn into a cleaner and abandon the baby.

I wouldn't be very happy if I paid a childminder to look after my kids during the day and then found out that she spent all day doing domestic chores whilst leaving the kids to watch TV/amuse themselves. I would expect a childminder to do the minimum that needs to be done to keep the place organised and tidy eg cooking meals, washing up and basic tidying of the rooms the children in. Putting the odd load of washing on is fine. But if she were to start cleaning the bathroom/sorting kitchen cupboards out or ironing her husband's shirts I would be . I would expect that sort of thing to be done while she wasn't caring for children.

So you could tell your DH that if he expects a pristine house with a 7 month old in it, the baby either needs to go to a nursery or childminder where it is the employees' job to look after the children's welfare all the time they're in their care, or get a cleaner to do the chores while you spend proper time with your child all day.

You just can't have a pristinely clean and tidy house with a young baby/children. It doesn't happen... unless you get a cleaner or you get family/friends to mind the kids for a couple of hours each week while you catch up.

Unless you have boundless energy and are happy to start cleaning the bathroom at 10pm at night once the baby is finally asleep for the night. Do those people exist?!

When I was on ML, I did the vast majority of home stuff - certainly all the laundry and cleaning. DH would sometimes pick up shopping on the way home and would sometimes cook in the evening.

When I returned to work we split things evenly. It seems sensible that if one person doesn't work outside the home, or works only part time, then they do the majority of home stuff simply because it makes sense. If you're at home you can put a wash on, load the dishwasher or make the beds. If you're at the office, you can't. In this day and age, a lot of household jobs don't take long anyway - it's not as if washing needs to be done by hand and put through the mangle any more is it?!

I would also recommend getting your DH to take over the bath and bed routine after work too, because while he's out at work, he's not getting as much time with the baby as you are, so it makes sense for him to take over then.

There are 3 jobs you have to divide between you - earning money, caring for your baby and housework. The second two are likely to add up to more hours than your DH spends on paid work, so YANBU to expect him to muck in. It's fair to expect to each get an equal amount of "time off" (probably an easier thing to measure than time working as there's less of it).

Briefly, I am on maternity leave and do the vast majority of babycare (including frequent feeding during the night and dealing with a fractious baby in the evenings). DH is less comfortable dealing with a crying baby but will take over from me when I've really had enough and he does baths. In the near future he'll take over for the odd evening so I can go out occasionally.

He does plenty of housework though on top of a full-time job - e.g. washing up most evenings (we have no dishwasher), and often buying food and cooking as well (though usually ready meals), and changes bed linen. He's much more tidy than me though I have a lower tolerance of dirt. I do most of the laundry, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom...

I think he works harder than me in the day, we're about the same evenings and weekends, and I get the night shift... Overall feels fair to me.

my dh is one in a million - he does most of it! he tells me that i just need to look after baby dd and make sure all 3 of us are fed! he does washing up, hoovering, washing etc.... ok, sometimes his idea of tidying is to shove things in a cupboard, but i'll take that....

OP have you tried adding up how much "spare" time each of you have? Not a lot with a tiny baby i expect, but still, how many hours a week (inc w/e) does he have to himself? How many do you have? I mean free time not spent doing housework or actively looking after the baby, when you could do something fun, for yourself, even if just have a bath, go for coffee with a friend etc?

I'm obviously spoilt! We have a 10 week old DD and DH does dinner in the evening, helps with bath time, does all the laundry over the week, and takes the baby downstairs after she's had her morning feed on Saturday and Sunday mornings so I can have a lie in. If she wakes up in the middle of the night if it's a week night I'll settle her and he might go in to the spare room to sleep if she's noisy, but at weekends he'll quite often take over rocking/shushing/cuddling duties.

I do the looking after DD in the day, washing up/kitchen cleaning, all the household finances, putting away the laundry (ironing is done by whoever the clothing belongs to), all the feeding, settling DD for bed after her bath. I keep the house in a relatively tidy state, DH does the vacuuming and I clean the bathroom. Food shoppping is a family activity at the weekend. If I want to go and chill out in the bath or something at the weekend DH looks after DD, if Arsenal are playing DD and I go out/go upstairs so he can watch it in peace.

I think it's a pretty fair split. If DD was at school/nursery in the day I would expect to do an awful lot more though.

Why shopping daily??
Do a big shop online and then a weekly one.

You don't even have to cook daily. Cook extra and freeze.

sorry, but you have ONE 7MO baby, a one bed flat and cant find time to clean and your at home all day????

agree with dh helping at weekends, but certainly not doing half if he is working FT.

I recall 7mo as a particularly rough time with ds - worse sleep, rising early, starting solids yet still having loads of milk feeds, starting to be mobile, etc. Many a day DH came home and I said "I'm alive and he's alive. Er... that's it."

We divided stuff that needed doing into things compatible with a baby (running errands all over, food prep) and the others (paperwork, bathroom cleaning etc), and when DH was about I asked him to help with whatever was most pressing - usually looking after ds while I had a nap. We tried to ensure we each had a bit of time off each week but realised that we were each going to feel we were doing 80% of the work...

Have to say I don't comprehend how long it can take to clean a 1-bed flat - lowering your standards might be the easiest solution! Apart from cooking and washing up, surely 20 mins to hoover/clean floors once a week, 20 min on the bathroom and a few mins to chuck laundry in and hang it up a few times a week is all you need? (where's a slattern emoticon? )

7 month babies typically sleep 14 hours a day. If you sleep 7 hours then you have up to 7 hours a day potentially available for housework with no childcare to distract you and no need to sacrifice a moment of your attention from your child. 3 hours a day of housework should cover it all leaving you with 4 hours of free time to yourself each day. I don't understand why you can't clean your 1 bedroom flat tbh. However your dh should n't do bugger all every evening in terms of childcare and cooking, especially as he is only working part time himself.

Earthstar, sorry, I don't understand - are you saying that 7 month old babies should be asleep for 7 hours during the actual daytime?!

By my experience, they generally sleep for 11-12 hours at night, with another 2 hours during daytime hours. Which adds up to 14 - but that's 14 hours out of a 24 hours period!! (And that's if they're really good sleepers!!)

Where do you get this "you have up to 7 hours a day potentially available for housework with no childcare to distract you and no need to sacrifice a moment of your attention from your child"

Where are these children that sleep for 7 hours of an adult's daylight waking time?!

Or god forbid you are saying that as soon as your child is asleep at 7pm or 8pm you should start cleaning the bathroom or hoovering. There's usually evening stuff like dinner to prepare, dishes to wash, relaxation with DH to be had! (or isn't that allowed in your world?!)

Have you GOT children????

I agree that childcare is a job in itself, I know that when I had dd all I did for the first 6 months was bf, shopping, hoover the living room,washing & dog walk or dinner. Once she could sit up & play a bit more contentedly I could acheive more housework stuff.
I do think it's more important to spend time playing/reading & going out to baby/toddler groups etc that to be keeping the house spick & span though Your kids won't look back at their childhood & say 'wasn't mum great she kept such a clean house'.
Yanu to expect some of the housework to be shared & the childcare in the evenings/ weekends too.
Maybe some peoples babies sleep well in the day & let their mums get stuff done but neither of mine ever have & I will prioritise doing stuff with my kids over housework.

nah man, i think you are totally right to expect help around the house = its about how much time do you get sat on your arse when you are both at home.

men need things spelling out
a literal list

you must wash up if i cook
you must take out the bins and remember bin day
you must cook on weekends as i did it during the week

all negotiated ofcourse
but we know how we negotiate - we win - but just for harmonies sake lets pretend and call it negotiating.

Get a cleaner and go out whilst she cleans, perhaps join a gym where they have a creche to have some proper time out for yourself.

If you can find someone who will iron even better, then all you have to discuss with your DH is that the 'cleaner' hasn't done a very good job if he thinks it isn't clean enough.

I'm a SAHM and I do all the housework during the week, it doesn't take that long, and then evenings are for me to relax, and weekends are for us to do things as a family.

DH helps with the laundry, he cooks 1/2 nights a week and probably does more of the cooking at the weekend than I do. He will very rarely look around and think, ooh that needs cleaning, but if I ask him to hoover or whatever then he will.
My DH does a 50-60 hour week though, so a lot more than the OPs. If he is only working 30 hours a week then tbh he could spend half an hour dusting or cleaning the bathroom a couple of times a week without it impacting his life very much!

OP - you need to get yourself into a routine, of sorts. Work out ways to do things quickly and easily - eg. shopping and food planning, I do mine online. Takes 15 mins to do the shop and then another 15 mins to put it away when it's delivered.

Doesn't your DH get involved with DD's bedtime? My DH baths DS every night, has done since he was tiny. They get some time together, and I spend 10/15 minutes clearing up the dinner stuff and tidying toys etc before I go up to BF DS before he goes to bed. Then the evening is free of jobs for both of us.

YANBU - Have same age DS as you. We have a cleaner who does some stuff. I do everything else cleaning wise in the week as DH at work. At weekends, DH baths DS, whilst I clean/tidy. Whilst I do the last feed DH cooks, and one or both of us tidies the dishes away.

We split the chores equally Sat/Sun mornings, chill out in the afternoons, (or as much as you can anyway)... it feels like neither of us gets any time for ourselves really..

Actually - DH sometimes takes DS out for an hour or two so I can sleep/read a book. DH also gets up in the night with him Fridays and Saturdays, if necessary.

Beginning to think I'm pretty lucky, reading these posts...

If he doesn't like it start taking it easy and don't clean everything in the week!! Its a bit of a struggle to do everything, after all!

Earthstar am still completely struggling to work out just how I am wasting my 4 hours of free time each day???!!!

Im on mat leave too and during the week I do most of the housework while DH is at work but at the weekends its 50/50.