Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

(shallow) to tell my DCs that they are beautiful?

80 replies

Undercovamutha · 04/01/2010 16:20

I truly want to know if it is BU to regularly tell your DCs that they are gorgeous/handsome/beautiful.

The reason I ask this is cos my Mum thinks that it encourages shallowness and the idea that beauty is of ultimate importance.

Due to the fact that she holds this view, throughout my childhood I don't ever remember her saying anything like 'you look beautiful in that dress', 'you are gorgeous' etc etc. I say these kinds of things to my DCs all the time.

I wonder whether my poor self-image is down to this (I am confident in general but not about my looks at all) or not. Or whether my mum's 'realistic' view is the way to go. After all, I don't want my DCs growing up to be too concerned with their looks either.

What do you think? (BTW I do truly believe that my DCs are stunningly gorgeous!!!!!).

OP posts:

domesticextremist · 04/01/2010 16:23

I think its ok as long as you are not gender specific all the time - ie say handsome instead of pretty for a girl and balance it with other praise that they are trying for - ie 'you tried really hard there' etc so they are not always praised for something they havent 'earned' or tried for.

Batteryhuman · 04/01/2010 16:25

Of course not. If you can't say it to your own children who can you say it to? ALL children are gorgeous to their mothers (even when they're not). Your Mum is just plai wrong.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/01/2010 16:26

I don;t see a problem. I tell my DSs all the time how handsome they are.

I also praise kindness, thoughtfulness, negotiation skills and effort

BouncingTurtle · 04/01/2010 16:27

I tell my ds every day he is beautiful - I don't think there is much chance at him getting a big head since he is only 2!
But he is utterly scrumptious

I think it is important to tell this to your kids, and balance it out with other things, as domesticextremist.

I never got told it when I was young and I suffer from low self-esteem.

jumpyjan · 04/01/2010 16:27

I tell my DD that she looks very pretty or beautiful if she has a new hair clip in or a pretty dress on etc and say that DS is a handsome boy if we have dressed him up in a nice outfit - that kind of thing but I also tell them that they are kind or gentle or well mannered/good girl/boy etc probably equally as after all it is these things that make a person beautiful inside - where it counts.

So I don't think YABU to tell children that they are beautiful sometimes as long as it is not deemed to be more important than other qualities.

tapas · 04/01/2010 16:27

I constantly tell my dc they are beautiful. In my opinion they are. I know its not somrthing they have achieved but saying my 9 yr old is handsome is just an extension of saying the baby has delicious, edible feet.

It's just expressiing love and admiration. Important to equally praise behaviour, kindness etc.

Your mum is over thinking it yanbu.

flyingdolphin · 04/01/2010 16:28

my dcs are beautiful and gorgeous and lovely and I tell them so all the time.

ChloeHandbag · 04/01/2010 16:28

It's great and not shallow, however I have made sure with my girls to make sure that I praise them for being intelligent, funny etc as well. I'd hate for them to grow up thinking that beauty is all that's important.

I remember Dawn French putting her positive attitude to her size being down to her father telling her how georgous she was daily.

fernie3 · 04/01/2010 16:29

I say this all the time to mine because they ARE pretty although I hardly ever say handsome to my son I tend to say pretty dont know why!. He is only three maybe it will change as he is older. I praise them for other things as well.

bubblagirl · 04/01/2010 16:31

i dont think iot causes shallowness unless you call others ugly or that your dc is better than others

i tell my ds all the time he is handsome and bright but also say others are too if you are kind to others so will your child be regardless of praise given its a learnt attitude

Sassybeast · 04/01/2010 16:33

YANBU. Kids are the most gorgeous beautiful creatures in the world and if you can't tell them how gorgeous they are, it's a sad old world. I think if you are the kind of parent who feels comfortable with telling them that they are gorgeous, it kind of follows naturally that you also have no issues with telling them how thoughtful, clever, insert whatever, they are.

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 16:33

YANBU at all, why not! I tell my dd all the time how beautiful,clever, wonderful she is, i also tell her if she does something wrong and discipline her too.

MegSophandEmma · 04/01/2010 16:33

I always tell dds they are beautiful inside and out. Another way I say it is with the question "you're beautiful/clever/kind etc... aren't you?" which I hope eventually will cement it in their mind, inturn helping aiding in confidence building.

ThingumyandBob · 04/01/2010 16:34

It sounds like my parents were similar to your Mum in their views and I never ever remember being complimented (other than perhaps to say I looked very smart if I was off to a job interview) I only remember comments about decency, ?oh, don?t you think that top is a bit revealing?? aaahhggg! I left home with no self confidence in what I looked like.

I think especially teenagers need the confidence boost, you tell your friends they look gorgeous so why not your kids? I only think it makes kids shallow if you tell them they are better than other kids because they are prettier, richer or cleverer.

I?m with you, I shall be telling mine that Mummy thinks they are gorgeous and beautiful?mind you I shan?t be tolerating divas either!

Morloth · 04/01/2010 16:36

I tell DS he is handsome quite often, because he is. I worked hard on that face I am damn well going to enjoy it.

I also compliment him when he is kind and thoughtful and giving and clever and all the other excellent things he is.

The whole "no praise" thing just sounds stupid to me.

LilRedWG · 04/01/2010 16:37

I remember two compliments from my Mum - once when she told me that, "Yours eyes are quite nice aren't they", (I was about eight) and once on my wedding day when she told me I looked beautiful. I have atrocious body image and self esteem and make sure that I tell DD how kind, beautiful and clever she is.

stillstanding · 04/01/2010 16:37

I tell my DCS that they are beautiful and gorgeous all the time. But I don't really mean it in a strictly aesthetic sense (although it has to be said that you would be hard pressed to find two children more beautiful then mine in Greater London ).

I think there is a big difference between telling your DCs that they are beautiful in the aesthetic sense and that they are beautiful beings iyswim. I wouldn't want to over-emphasise shallow beauty - ie "dd, you look very pretty when your hair is up as it emphasises your long neck and cheekbones" kind of praising would be pretty awful but "dd, you are a such a lovely, kindhearted, beautiful girl" is in my book pratically essential for building good self-esteem.

fillybuster · 04/01/2010 16:37

YANBU. Definitely.

I tell mine that they are handsome/pretty/beautiful all the time. I also tell them that they are clever, brilliant, funny, wonderful, fantastic, hiliarious and that I love them loads and loads.

Obviously I tell them when they aren't being those things too

FWIW my parents (my dad, especially) made a big point of always telling me and ds how wonderful/special/beautiful/clever/lovable (and naughty!) we were and it really helped with our long term confidence, even though we've both been through times when we felt less than pretty/clever for whatever reason.

Keep telling them!

Batteryhuman · 04/01/2010 16:37

My parents told me I was fat and I still think I am (even though the scales and my clothes size indicate otherwise). Tell them they are beautiful until they groan at you to shut up and then tell them again.

hbfac · 04/01/2010 16:38

What is beautiful? Is it subjective, or objective, or both? Do people become beautiful to you when you love them? Does your idea of beauty change when you love someone? Is beauty just about looks? Can actions be beautiful? Is someone's life, sometimes, beautiful?

My dc are beautiful to me. I look at them and I want to just keep looking at them. I look at them and everything I've ever loved before seems to have been a journey to reach them.

Sometimes. Perhaps not when they're being hellish, though.

I think you're mum has a bit of a narrow idea about beauty myself.

I call mine beautiful, all the time. It's actually one of my nick-names for them, when I forget what they're called! And I'll be as shallow as I pleas about it.

LeQueen · 04/01/2010 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 04/01/2010 16:54

I tell my boys how much I love them/how wonderful/gorgeous/beautiful/kind/clever etc etc (you get the picture) all the time.

Because they are and it is important that they hear it.

YANBU

Original poster

Undercovamutha · 04/01/2010 16:54

My mum is generally very loving, caring and generous, and a wonderful grandparent. But for some reason every comment about my looks comes out as a veiled insult, which she disguises as actually not being concerned about 'beauty'.

For example, 'you have got a happy face Undercova ( ), you shouldn't be so concerned about looks, you have a very good personality'. FFS!

At my wedding: 'I don't really see you as a sort of weddingy person Undercova - all that makeup and dressing up is not really you is it?'.

Good grief!

OP posts:

MarshaBrady · 04/01/2010 16:56

Not shallow, rather important I think.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/01/2010 16:56

UCM IS THAT YOU ??

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread