(shallow) to tell my DCs that they are beautiful?

[Undercovamutha]

I truly want to know if it is BU to regularly tell your DCs that they are gorgeous/handsome/beautiful.

The reason I ask this is cos my Mum thinks that it encourages shallowness and the idea that beauty is of ultimate importance.

Due to the fact that she holds this view, throughout my childhood I don't ever remember her saying anything like 'you look beautiful in that dress', 'you are gorgeous' etc etc. I say these kinds of things to my DCs all the time.

I wonder whether my poor self-image is down to this (I am confident in general but not about my looks at all) or not. Or whether my mum's 'realistic' view is the way to go. After all, I don't want my DCs growing up to be too concerned with their looks either.

What do you think? (BTW I do truly believe that my DCs are stunningly gorgeous!!!!!).

I frequently tell my two DSs that they are beautiful, say 'hello Mr Gorgeous' when I greet them after school etc. I think it's lovely. And they are beautiful... to me if no-one else. And when they're sleeping they're definitely the most beautiful creatures in Devon!

I had a friend whose little girl was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful, and I found her once, at the age of about 7, crying in the loo because she was 'so ugly' - she thought she must be because her mother had never told her she was pretty. It absolutely broke my heart - her mother was a career type and was trying to encourage her to be a strong, academic, feminist type and not a girly girl (not that they're mutually exclusive, but they were in her eyes) and her self esteem was rock bottom. Not an issue my son will ever have, I suspect - he's 2 and is already referring to himself as 'this gorgeous boy'!

My dad always told me. I was called 'gorgeous' in my house (my sister was always magpie and never really got called gorgeous but would sometimes be told she looked pretty) and it is me with a low confidence about my looks and her with the confidence about her looks.

So your mums reasoning dont work.... well not in this case anyway.

I always sing 'heeeeey, good looking....' to my son.

spider, that is really sad, poor little thing. I also greet DD from pre-school with "hello gorgeous", but I also praise her when she is kind, thoughtful, shares nicely, etc etc.

How could anyone resist telling their DCs they are beautiful?

on other hand tho have a friend who was led to believe she was exceptionally beautiful and clever and she has had an unspeakable time getting to grips with the reality that she isn't, and that the Real World doesn't think so either

realistically it is a balance.praise when looking good and praise when doing good.overlooking one eg actions in favour of another eg looks is of course path to trouble

but of course do praise.affirmation and praise are nurturing and great to give and receive

I wouldn't be able to repress telling my children they are beautiful, I'm always thinking how gorgeous they look, it just comes out!

There's a line to be drawn between encouraging confidence and self-esteem and the sort of thing which ends up with poor children who can't sing for toffee being ritually humiliated on reality shows.

Pleased to see that general consensus is to be nice to children, I have always been a bit nervous about telling DD she is lovely/pretty/clever/kind etc because of my mum.

I think most people by the age of about 12 should be able to figure out that while their parents think they are the second coming that most of the world doesn't.

DS at 5 seems to understand this.

Interesting thoughts on this thread. I rarely, if ever, tell my dcs they are beautiful / gorgeous becausue I do not think of it.

I do all the rest of the positive afirmation but looks have never figured with me - my mother also presumably.

I will take care now to talk to my kids about their looks as well as all the other things as I would hate to think of dd (or ds) being upset because I had never said she/he was gorgeous

I do think it is important for a child to know what their "thing" is - whether they have nice eyes, or nice hair, smile etc.

I think it helps them to know that something about their appearance is appealing.

And I am a really anti-pink, intelligence more important than looks person. But the first thing we notice about others is what they look like, we see ourselves in the mirror all the time, we have messages about appearance bombarded at us, so I can see that for a child to think "mummy always says I have beautiful curly hair" or whatever is a good and necessary thing.

What is wrong with people feeling they are attractive? Much worse surely to feel unattractive?

I feel the same about telling children they are clever, people live up or down to other people's beliefs about them. I will always tell my DD she is gorgeous/ beautiful/ clever/ funny etc. I think we all get a huge reality check called the teenage years where we learn to take what our parents say with a pinch of salt but at least let them have an innate feeling of being pretty/ handsome/ clever/ athletic or whatever they are and can be.

I tell my sons they are gorgeous at least once a day.
My mum never said I was pretty, I asked her once if I was she replied'
You're not pretty as in X is pretty, you are what I would term attractive'
I was 11 FFS! I wanted to be told I was pretty.
At 38 i am finally at peace with my looks - and think I look good for my age.
In fact the other day My Mum said one of the neighbiurs thought I was 'lovley'
Mum said ' ANd I said to her of course she is she looks just like me.'

I did wonder about using that phrase thesecondcoming.

I tell my DD she's beautiful all the time. I also tell her how clever and funny she is.

I've been told I'm beautiful all my life. I got a bit of a shock when I saw how rough I was looking this afternoon though!

My mum paid my DD and I the most outrageous compliment over Christmas (even my ego realised it was extremely biased). She said that my DD is just like I was - so beautiful that all other children look plain in comparison. I think this is because she was never told she was beautiful as a child.

That can't be right BelleDame. It is my child that makes all the others look plain.