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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(shallow) to tell my DCs that they are beautiful?

80 replies

Undercovamutha · 04/01/2010 16:20

I truly want to know if it is BU to regularly tell your DCs that they are gorgeous/handsome/beautiful.

The reason I ask this is cos my Mum thinks that it encourages shallowness and the idea that beauty is of ultimate importance.

Due to the fact that she holds this view, throughout my childhood I don't ever remember her saying anything like 'you look beautiful in that dress', 'you are gorgeous' etc etc. I say these kinds of things to my DCs all the time.

I wonder whether my poor self-image is down to this (I am confident in general but not about my looks at all) or not. Or whether my mum's 'realistic' view is the way to go. After all, I don't want my DCs growing up to be too concerned with their looks either.

What do you think? (BTW I do truly believe that my DCs are stunningly gorgeous!!!!!).

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 04/01/2010 16:58

Go ahead and tell them. My mum thought I was uncommonly gorgeous, so thought she'd prevent me from growing up to be 'too vain' by nicknaming me 'Ugly' and undermining my appearance (she still does this now). As a result, I spent a significant part of my teenage years dressed as a little sex-worker, seeking reassurance from peedy old men that I was, in fact, attractive! It makes me cringe to think of all the trouble I could have got myself into.

mumeeee · 04/01/2010 16:58

YANBU. It's imoportant to praise your children and to tell them how nice they look.

oldraver · 04/01/2010 16:58

The nearest my Mum will get to a compliment (usually she will criticise) is "That dress makes you look slimmer". I know if she says NOTHING I am ok, as she will cosntantly attempt to put me down. I dont think I have ever heard her pay me a proper compliment.

So I always make sure I tell DS's they are lovely, and gorgeous

Morloth · 04/01/2010 16:59

I still feel wonderful when my Mum tells me how nice I look. We have such power as parents, it can be truly terrifying.

I hesitate to bring up Dr Phil, but I seem to remember him saying something along the lines of it takes a 1,000 "'Atta boys*" to undo the damage of even one "You're stupid" or "You are ugly". Rang true for me.

*Obviously Dr Phil is quite American.

Original poster

Undercovamutha · 04/01/2010 17:00

BALD - me who?
(don't say I've been outed in rl again - how far undercova do I have to go !)

OP posts:

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 04/01/2010 17:04

Oh you must tell them! If parents don't, then who will? It's always wonderful to hear regardless of who says it - even when you know it's a totally biased view from someone who loves you.

MarshaBrady · 04/01/2010 17:06

It can be damaging to never tell them they are beautiful imo

Even if they hear it from millions of others, become models etc they will wonder why their own mother/father didn't think it.

echt · 04/01/2010 17:13

The OP's mum is entirely mistaken. Parents should tell their kids they look lovely. My parents did this I can vouch for its confidence-building effects. Mind you, the world of growing up in the 60s and 70s was less obsessively focussed on looks than it is now, but what I do remember is that they never compared my appearance to another person's, either in RL on in the media - it was always me, and in retrospect, I think that's important, too.

Go ahead, Undercova, you tell them.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/01/2010 18:00

there was a infamous poster long ago when all round here was fields, name of UCM or undercovermother

for one minute I was jolted

overmydeadbody · 04/01/2010 18:05

YANBU

Children benefit from hering positive things about themselves, so as long as they are not only complimented on their looks, but other traits as well, I tinhk it is very positive.

My parents always went on aboiut looks not beibng important, instead of telling us we where beautiful, and now all of us have self confidence issues about our looks when we really don't need to!

For some people, they may only ever hear this from their parents, so it's gotta be better than nothign!

OracleInaCoracle · 04/01/2010 18:09

i was constantly told as a child that i was fat and ugly, as a result have battled anorexia for 23 years. for this reason i tell ds everyday that he is gorgeous and "munchable" and handsome. never want him to feel the way i did and do.

vanimal · 04/01/2010 18:11

I tell my DDs (2yrs, and 6m) they are beautiful/gorgeous etc all the time.

I think they would only become shallow/vain about appearances if I then went on to tell them they are prettier than X, or that X has a big nose, etc, which I don't (obviously).

duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:15

All children should be told all the time that they are beautiful by their parents, even if they are (yes, I really mean are).

It will give them positive self-esteem that their mother finds them beautiful. What you should not do imo is make beauty the only thing they are good at. You must praise things they do well more- working hard, being kind, trying even in the face of adversity or fear, overcoming an obstacle, handling a situation well. Your mother is completely right that they shouldn't get all their self esteem from their appearance, but I feel that telling them they are beautiful is not the same as praising them for their appearance as long as more voluntary qualities are being rewarded with more praise.

CDMforever · 04/01/2010 18:21

I was told regularly as a child that I was beautiful and am now a happy, confident adult (bar the few days per month when I turn into Psycho Cow! but this has nothing to do with my parents). I also tell my own children that they are gorgeous. Which of course they are!
I agree with the poster who said how wonderful it makes you feel getting a compliment from your parents and how scary it is to realise the influence and hold they have over us, albeit generally positive, even as adults.
Equally I tell my children how amazing, clever and kind they are. I try to tell them that being beautiful on the inside is the most important thing of all. Feel quite emotional now, think I'll have a Baileys.

MitchyInge · 04/01/2010 18:21

am more careful with comments about personal appearance since middle daughter became quite ill with anorexia in early teens (now 17)

she has more than a touch of body dysmorphia and comments about beauty are a bit triggery for her as she thinks she is ugly when in fact she is breath-takingly stunning and does some paid modelling (fashion shows and alternative shoots)

so we tend to veer more towards comments such as how lovely hair looks in certain styles, how well particular make-up works, how flattering some outfits are etc but will always be more prone to praising thoughtful acts and exemplary manners/behaviour than physical looks

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 18:22

I think is good to tell them they are beutiful.In the sense of love and respect yourself.

It is different if you say to your dd 'you are beutiful so you will marry a rich man..'.There are mothers who say this even today. And i think thats why people like your mum feel strong about it.

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 18:25

My neighboor says 'you are pretty, you will be air hostess to her 3 year old. Every day

Laquitar · 04/01/2010 18:28

i meant beautiful.

RockBird · 04/01/2010 18:29

"I think its ok as long as you are not gender specific all the time"

I've heard it all now...

I'm absolutely all for bigging up your children. Because if you don't then no one else in life will. Send them on their way feeling good about themselves

duchesse · 04/01/2010 18:35

CDM- I agree with you; I was never told I was beautiful by my parents. My sister was The Pretty One, as a result of which she has grown up completely obsessed with looks and I have grown up with zero confidence in my looks. Objectively we are not all that different in looks as adults- people comment on how similar we look. Her place in the family was based on her looks and she is at least as f*cked up as I am about looks. V unhealthy. As I result I have always told my children they are beautiful, and tell my 14 yr old that I find her sticky out ears, that an unkind friend points out occasionally, lovely and cute and it is true- I always have. I can see her visibly relaxing when I tell her that.

ImSoNotTelling · 04/01/2010 18:40

Interesting. Read this earler and been thinking about it.

My parents always said I was clever rather than pretty, My mum still comes out with insults, or backhanded compliments. When I told my friends something she had said recently they expressed amazement - and I suddenly realised that not all mums came out with that sort of thing.

I have been thinking about it recently and she always comes out with stuff about how I don't look after DD to her standards, I'm lazy, fat etc etc but she does it quite subtly and not all the time. And pretends it's a bit of a a joke / or that she didn't say it. I have tried challenging her but it doesn't work.

As a result, I think that while I am reasonably confident about my brains and my looks, I feel that I never quite meet the grade, that whatever I do isn't quite good enough, that I should be doing better, working harder. When I do things I know she disapproves of I feel terribly guilty.

Hmmm this has turned into a rant hasn't it! Maybe i have ishooos...

Anyway I tell DD she is pretty and clever, toddlers have massive egos anyway she doesn't need telling twice! I think I will keep it up, and try not to end up doing the same as my mum...

Original poster

Undercovamutha · 04/01/2010 19:16

BALD - no I haven't been around since the dawn of MN - just a few years. Chose Undercovamutha (Undercovermother was taken as you know) as a joke after I was 'outed' by a friend in RL.

Anyway, really intriguing to see so many others have had similar experience with their parents. I'm sure my mum would be shocked if I ever pointed it out to her. She actually thinks she is being kind!!!!

OP posts:

Lovecat · 04/01/2010 19:30

Was there something in the water in the 60's and 70's?

My mum has self-esteem issues herself and was obsessed with us not being 'vain' - when people said I looked like her she'd roll her eyes and say "I know - poor thing!" - which, as you can imagine, did wonders for my confidence. I still bat compliments away from me with a big stick and can't really believe I'm all that attractive. My sister grew up anorexic and ended up spending a huge amount on a nose-job she didn't need because of a comment mum made in her teens.

I tell DD she's gorgeous (well, she is!) all the time and mum has actually commented that I shouldn't do that, because "you don't want her getting big-headed" - I replied I'd rather have a big-headed child than one with no confidence in herself or her looks.

And I too get the 'oh, DD looks just like you' comments - I very nearly found myself saying the same thing as mum, stopped myself and said 'oh, I think she's much prettier!'

domesticextremist · 04/01/2010 20:16

Rockbird - I think that it actually matters a lot what words you use and 'pretty' to a girl is one that I wouldnt overuse when you have beautiful or lovely or whatever - I want my dcs to believe that they are fantastic without having to be 'pretty' or acceptable to the norms at the time - isnt that the whole point?

I always find it weird when parents insist that the pinking of their dds was nature and not in fact the cultural environment or reinforcement.

Shodan · 04/01/2010 20:28

Must've been, Lovecat, because my mother never paid us compliments either.

Even now, I still want to hear something along the lines of 'Oh you're pretty/beautiful/lovely' or whatever and I never will. Not from Mum, anyway.

She will, however, happily tell me how stunning my sister is, what a honeypot etc etc.

So I tell my boys often that they're gorgeous/funny/clever/thoughtful (ok whenever it happens with that last, which in ds1's case is...not often

I see it as part of my job to imbue them with the self-confidence I have never had.

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