Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For starting altercation in cafe?

113 replies

AlwaysUltraFlexiWings · 04/01/2010 08:40

Last week, my SIL phoned to ask me, if I would like to meet her for a coffee in the town. Lovely said I.

We were sitting in the cafe for approximately 20 minutes when this woman and her husband started feverishly discussing me. I was breastfeeding my four week old baby. The woman kept looking at me whilst muttering away at the husband.

I'm new to this whole breastfeeding malarky and tbh I'm still a little self conscious about doing this publicly. Its silly, irrational I know. Anyway, after 35 minutes of this intense scrutiny, I blew a fuse and asked her what her "bloody problem" was. She sat there mouth agape and momentarily flummoxed. After this brief silence, she squared up to me, commenting that there was a "time and place for that sort of thing" (breastfeeding). I said "theres nothing unnatural about what I'm doing", to which she responded that "urinating" is also natural but "this doesnt entitle" me to make an "exhibition" of myself in public. She mentioned that she used to go into the public conveniences when feeding her brood, so she failed to see why I couldn't make that compromise too. I truly lost it at this point and told her to go and drink her fucking tea in the lavatory.

At this point, the manager (an old friend of mine) intercepted and asked the "woman" if she and her husband would like a table elsewhere. This didn't go down too well, and seething with rage she asked for her bill and left.

I was being as discreet as possible. Little more than the upper part of my breast was visible. What would she have preferred? A crying baby? I can't believe such cosseted, narrow minded people still exist in this day and age. Im still shaken up by it. I had really hoped to continue breastfeeding for as long as possible but am now questioning the reality of this.

OP posts:
ilovesprouts · 04/01/2010 16:49

YANBU !! GOOD ON YOU

behonest · 04/01/2010 17:28

I used to have the same problem when I was BF. In the end I always carried a dark coloured lightweight Pashmina in my bag. Where ever I was, as soon a baby was latched on I draped the pashmina over both shoulders and over baby then all you could see was a bulk with no visable clues as to what was going on underneath. It saved me an awful lot of stress and allowed me to BF until I decided to wean at 10 months. Please don't let it put you off. It makes me made that people react to BF in this was when it's the most natural thing in the world. Good for you sticking up to her. How dare she. Why the hell was she looking if it bothered her

ChocolateMoose · 04/01/2010 21:06

ThingumyandBob, try not to stress about it, as others have said, it's unusual to come across someone with that kind of attitude. It's never happened to me (though baby only 4 months old so I'm hardly a veteran).

WingedVictory · 04/01/2010 21:11

I've never been told to stop bf in public, thank goodness, although if I had been, I would have thought the person insane or obnoxious. It's so obvious that a baby has to be fed, and fed soon, as it has such a tiny tummy and no resources to see it through till Mummy gets somewhere private (oh, yes, in the centre of a town/city. right).

However, in line with some of the others here, I do think you were a bit unreasonable for escalating it as you did. Her behaviour is so unreasonable that probably the best way to confront her was to keep up the feed till the end. Silly (milkless) cow would have had to have chosen how to respond, whether to mutter mutter mutter till she burst or say something which you could respond to. Or you could have said something in passing on your way out, like, "I noticed you seemed to be grumbling about my breastfeeding, and I want you to know that you were wrong to even think of denying a small baby its food." Or something like that.

However, as soon as she made her ridiculous response, you were clearly on the right side of the Unreasonable divide, with throwing the drinking tea equivalent at her. Well done!

troublewithtalk · 04/01/2010 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2010 23:23

Well, you told her, AlwaysUltraFlexiWings!

Please don't let this stop you BF, though. I never once had a negative look or comment when feeding my three (for a total of 33 months)so small minded people like this mad old woman are in the minority.

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 23:33

Good on you what a psycho imo. What a comparison to make fgs stupid woman please dont let that put you off good on you for sticking up for yourself and not taking that crap

YanknCock · 04/01/2010 23:38

Good on you OP! I was initially slightly worried that I'd get stares or comments when feeding in public, but 4 months on its been nothing but smiles and positive! I'd like to think I would react the same as you if someone did say something.

Bird, would also love to know what you said!

UnseenAcademicalMum · 04/01/2010 23:44

This type of thing really made me worry when feeding ds2 (ds1 was ff, ds2 was bf). But, I don't understand why your SIL would invite someone out with a 4 week old baby without thinking about the fact that baby might need feeding? She sounds like a real inconsiderate old boot.

Good for you to have the confidence to stand up for yourself (and your baby's) rights. I suppose she would have thought it wholy more "natural" to have given the baby a bottle whilst out.

Annoys me almost as much as people who tutt at babies crying (err, perhaps sometimes they just do). But then I'm feeling very grumpy today.

pigletmania · 05/01/2010 00:02

Unseeen so mums with young babies who are bf should not go out until they are a certain age then

HarrietTheSpy · 05/01/2010 00:31

Hope the next person she does this to flashes her.

FiveSoloRings · 05/01/2010 00:49

Don't give her another thought! she's a nut job. You carry on bfing your baby for as long as you and your lo wish to.
God, I'm soooooo proud of you!

UnseenAcademicalMum · 05/01/2010 10:25

pigletmania, is that directed at me? I was saying good for the OP for standing up for herself, I wasn't saying that people shouldn't feed in public.

I do however think that comments like this from the SIL can put many people off bf because not everyone will feel confident enough to stand up to someone who starts tutting/making comments etc.

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 05/01/2010 11:03

What comment from the SIL (other than "would like to meet me for a coffee in town?" which seems unexceptionable)?

bunnymother · 05/01/2010 11:12

OP and Bird - you have made my day! Am delighted to hear of ladies standing up for themselves like this when dealing with criticism or interference from people regarding their parenting. Esp when its to do with breastfeeding your baby, which is so very important!

Poledra · 05/01/2010 11:14

Well done, OP - just wanted to join all the other voices saying don't let this put you off. I bfed my 3 for 12 months each over the last 6 years, and have never had a negative comment (though did feel sorry for the innocent bloke reading his paper in the Starbucks who happened to look up as DD2 pulled off my boob, leaned back and gave him an eyeful! He went very red....).

Also, I'm like ChippingIn - love to see babies being fed, and forget that I might be staring So sometimes, it's a Nice Thing rather than negative, OK?

pookamoo · 05/01/2010 11:23

I haven't read the whole tread but I just wanted to support the OP and say well done for standing your ground and well done to your friend the cafe owner for suggesting the other woman move, not you!

I don't have the link to hand, but there is a petition to Downing Street in favour of protecting the rights of hungry babies to be fed wherever and whenever they need it by making it a criminal offence to harrass a parent feeding their baby. It is the case in Scotland, why not in England and Wales??

I'm sure someone will have the link... I'd urge you (and everyone) to sign it!

WowOoo · 05/01/2010 11:31

Haven't read all either. WAnted to say well done and well said to the silly lady.

I really don't feel comfortable feeding in certain public places.

When ds1 was teeny I basically had to ask a pervy man who wouldn't stop staring and WINKING and licking his lips at me to FECK OFF (with the help of a lovely lady manager who'd clocked it all and asked him to leave or the police would come!)

It was just a cafe too. Grr.

UnseenAcademicalMum · 05/01/2010 12:07

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave, read the OP incorrectly. I was under the impression that the SIL had been the one making the comments rather than a.n.other random stranger sat at another table.

Still stand by my comment that the woman making the comments sounds like an inconsiderate old boot though.

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 05/01/2010 12:26

Ah, right. I don't think anyone would argue with you over the inconsiderate old boot claim .

Your original post that the SIL should have realised that a 4wo baby would need a feed just read to the rest of us as though you meant "...and so shouldn't have invited OP out" rather than "...and so shouldn't have made the comment". Clearly that was actually down to your misreading of OP and so in fact we are all violently agreeing with each other!

UnseenAcademicalMum · 05/01/2010 12:36

Yes, I should read more carefully (in my defence, it was late at night).

I couldn't see why the SIL would invite someone out with a 4 week old and then complain when said 4 week old needed feeding. It makes much more sense having realised that someone else made the comments not the SIL.

emsyj · 05/01/2010 14:13

You didn't start the altercation, the nasty woman did!!! More women need to take the step of feeding in public so that it becomes more 'normal'. It only makes people uncomfortable because they're not used to seeing it. Well done for taking a stand and saying, 'this is normal, this is important, and you're not going to stop me from doing it (or chase me into the toilets to hide)'.

MrsSantosloves2010 · 05/01/2010 14:20

Stupid bint

You are another bf hero(ine) for thinking up a good response. There was someone else on here with a good comeback a few days ago too.

Lotster · 05/01/2010 14:27

YABU!!

For not squirting the old cow in the eye

porcamiseria · 05/01/2010 14:55

YANBU, not at all. and good for you for stivking up for yourself.

this reminds me of trying to b-feed in the queue for a Ryanir flight waiting to board, how we laughed....