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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For telling dd1 she isn't getting a bithday present?

85 replies

Marne · 03/01/2010 20:36

Dd1 had a party for her birthday last year, i told her this year money is a bit tight and she won't be able to have a party, now its getting closer to dd's birthday she is now getting very upset about not having a party.

I said to her 'ok, if you want a party you can have one but i will not have enough money to buy a present', she said she would rather have the party.

So i was speaking to my dad today and he said i was being mean by giving her a choice of a party of a present.

So AIBU by not getting her a present?

She will get presents from her friends (at the party) as well as from family, plus she got so much for x-mas (which she doesn't really play with).

She will be 6, and i know its a little young to understand money etc..

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 03/01/2010 20:40

It sounds like she understands the choice that she is making - and you have thought hard about how to make her birthday a happy one within your budget, so no, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I do wonder if you could nip to a pound shop and buy her some colouring and painting stuff, and some sweets etc - just a few pounds worth - that you could wrap up for her?

DollyMessiter · 03/01/2010 20:40

You can do both a party AND a present on a budget
I do think YABU to tell a 6 yo that she won't get a present, tbh, and asking her to choose one or the other is unfair.
Some pretty bangles from a charity shop for example would cost less than £1.
A party at home with a rented DVD and a few pizzas won't cost the earth.

threetimemummy · 03/01/2010 20:42

I agree, a party doent have to cost much at all. Nor do pressies. At 6, they dont care WHERE the pressie comes from, iykwim? I agree about the op shop bangles.

If it is not too rude to ask, what is your budget? Perhaps we can help organise/give you ideas?

diddl · 03/01/2010 20:43

Sounds a bit young to have to make that decision.

They don´t need really expensive presents at that age, and a "traditional" party doesn´t have to cost much.

mistletoeandjuan · 03/01/2010 20:45

Couldn't you find something at the pound shop for her? Most of the fun is in the unwrapping really.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 03/01/2010 20:47

agree that traditional party doesnt have to cost much. For instance you could have a pizza party and ask people to bring along their favourite topping. (then you only need cheese and make mini bases out of dough). Party games can be rewarded with a lollipop out of those big mix of sweets.

wonderingwondering · 03/01/2010 20:49

I think the time to teach children the value of money is all-year-round, not on their birthday. You can make a nice day, with a party and a gift, for relatively little money. But the financial constraints are your concern, you shouldn't place them on her shoulders.

beesonmummyshead · 03/01/2010 20:51

host a fancy dress party at home with pizza making, bun/biscuit decorating, craft stuff (from pound shop) and a few pass the parcel/pin tail on donkey type of games and i think everyone will be happy for only the cost of prizes/food I can't even remember my parties when I was 6, but I know my folks had very little money, so it was possibly a variation on above. Learning the value of money is fine, and it is ok to give your dd a choice, but I would still buy her a few little bits to unwrap on her birthday morning

Sassybeast · 03/01/2010 20:52

6 is way too little to have to make that sort of decision. If you can stretch to a party (however small) you can stretch to a really inexpensive present surely ?

Original poster

Marne · 03/01/2010 20:55

She wants the party at a local soft play center, we rarely go to soft play (as i hate the places), the price is 8.00 per child plus i will have to do party bags, cake etc.

She's not really bothered about unwrapping things and she doesn't really play with much.

Dh is a bit tight with money and we usually stick to a 30.00 budget for birthdays as we have 5 children between us, he feels if we let dd1 have a party we should do it for the others too (and we can't afford too).

I would love to give her a party and a present but cant really afford it. The only toy she wants is a playmobil set which is 30.00.

OP posts:

RainRainGoAway · 03/01/2010 20:55

I can see where you are coming from but...

Seems a bit tight TBH.
It is the kind of decision I think an above 12 year old could make, but not before then.

Look, DDs bday pressie was a Barbie Hot Tub Party bus for £3.50 from the Hospice Charity Shop. (she is 5)
We cleaned it up a bit, put a couple of bags of haribos in it and she thought it was wonderful.

Surely a couple of pounds spent wisely in a pound shop would go a long way?

Stephief · 03/01/2010 20:56

I think its awful not to buy your own child a present. She is six! You cant expect a child of that age to make a decision like that.

Why not have a cheap party and a cheap present?

Just so wrong.

You are being unreasonable.

RainRainGoAway · 03/01/2010 20:57

£30 is a huge amount for birthdays, especially for 5 DCs. You are way more generous than us.
Personally, I would go and raid Claires accessories for her and the others and its a £5 budget per child per birthday.

purpleduck · 03/01/2010 20:58

I agree with everyone saying that she is too young to have to make that decision, and no matter which way she chooses, there will be disappointment.

I think there are many many ways to make a birthday special
ie - celebrate the day before the birthday as well (as the "last day she is 5")

have friends round, have a low budget party as people have suggested, go on a day out (doesn't have to be theme park or whatever) and maybe invite a few friends along.

I think it depends on the budget really - if its one thing I've learned on mn, its that people are very different in how they do things. Some people feel a could hundred pounds is "scrimping"

purpleduck · 03/01/2010 21:00

couple hundred pounds!!!

scottishmummy · 03/01/2010 21:00

cant you stretch to something from poundshop,a wee pressie.they do wee things for girls cheaply

understand it is worrying to be skint and wondering how to stretch meagre budget

wonderingwondering · 03/01/2010 21:01

I think it is reasonable to explain that a soft-play party is too much money - at £8 per head she'd only be able to have 3 friends, which isn't really a party, more of a day out/treat. So can't you take her and a couple of friends to soft play, just pay the entrance fee and let then run around, then home for pizza and DVD, then buy her a small pressie? Do-able for £30, surely.

DollyMessiter · 03/01/2010 21:01

Marne, she's going to be six.
Give her a party and a small present.
She can't have soft play and Playmobil on your budget.
So do something else.

As long as you are upbeat and add a bit of excitement and sparkle, she'll love it all.

Original poster

Marne · 03/01/2010 21:02

Dd1 has her heart set on the party, i can't host a party at home as we live in a tiny (over crowded house) plus she hates having people in our house (she has Aspergers syndrome and anxiety).

I will get her something to unwrap. Its mainly just dh being tight as he is worried about money (he has to buy a car this week as his car packed up), he thinks 100.00+ for a birthday party is mad (which it is) but dd1 has her heart set on it.

Its hard work trying to keep dh and dd1 happy.

OP posts:

BonjourIvressedeNoel · 03/01/2010 21:02

YABU! Its really bad to put pressure on a 6 year old to make a decision like this. That the kind of thing she'd remember forever, if you didn't get her a birthday present.

Jux · 03/01/2010 21:03

Some friends of our - who are loaded by the way - gave their 5yo son the choice of a party or a present. He chose the present and was very happy with it.

I don't see what you're doing as wrong or mean at all. It's the constraints of your budget and the fact that you're trying to be even-handed with all your children. These are surely the right things to do?

scottishmummy · 03/01/2010 21:04

could you do a meet up at local library kids mill around with books.then go to park give home made sandwiches feed ducks

RainRainGoAway · 03/01/2010 21:06

£100 for a birthday party! WOW.
I hope it does tiny sausages on sticks extravaganza.
I think if your DDs heart is set on this then you have already made your decision. I would still get her something tiny, like some hair bobbles or something, but perhaps in future you need to dictate ,as a couple, how much to spend on birthdays.

Perhaps it is me but £100 seems way over the top.

mathanxiety · 03/01/2010 21:07

Skint is one thing, but a child's birthday is another. A present can be something simple. A few friends around instead of the soft play place is a more sensible idea. You could rig up a spectacular cake for a small amount and make the birthday memorable and a special one for her.

6 is not a realistic age and letting her in on the family finances could be scary for her. The message she might get from this is that she is somehow responsible for the family budget, or that she is not special enough to warrant a gift or an event that requires effort.

scottishmummy · 03/01/2010 21:07

realistically could you do sandwiches,meet some friends,walk in park go to cafe.kids run around

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