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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For telling dd1 she isn't getting a bithday present?

85 replies

Marne · 03/01/2010 20:36

Dd1 had a party for her birthday last year, i told her this year money is a bit tight and she won't be able to have a party, now its getting closer to dd's birthday she is now getting very upset about not having a party.

I said to her 'ok, if you want a party you can have one but i will not have enough money to buy a present', she said she would rather have the party.

So i was speaking to my dad today and he said i was being mean by giving her a choice of a party of a present.

So AIBU by not getting her a present?

She will get presents from her friends (at the party) as well as from family, plus she got so much for x-mas (which she doesn't really play with).

She will be 6, and i know its a little young to understand money etc..

OP posts:
pigletmania · 03/01/2010 22:40

YANBU at all for her the party at the soft play will be the birthday present, does not have to be a toy or something you unwrap, its obvious thats what she would really like so be it. Kids like different things, my dd 2.9 is not really into toys, would rather have books tbh. She obviously understands the choice she has made and she opted for the party fair enough. Better to do her that, than do something that she is not keen on and get her a present that she does not like. Cant you get 2nd hand playmobile from e bay, i got dd duplo bricks there for £7 for a tub of them.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 22:42

Whats the point in having a party at home if dd is going to feel uncomfortable with it or something that she is not happy with.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 22:44

You said that your dd has Aspergers, therefore a party at soft play would be more suited and its what she prefers it is her present, does not have to be something you unwrap. Anyway she will be getting presents from other kids and relatives so wont miss out.

Sibble · 03/01/2010 22:47

If it's any help ds had his 5th party at home. We played musical chairs, statues, pass the parcel, free play, dancing competition. All the prizes were sweets. There were no party bags at the end but the sweets they had won and some cake to take home. I made the cake, he iced it, it was a wonky, purple and blue adults nightmare but he was very proud. We made a pinata using a balloon and paper mache which he painted etc, filled with sweets to add to the party bags. I didn't bother with party food and just did oven chips and hot dogs. All the children said it was the best party they had been to.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 22:52

I just saw new playmobile on the bay for a BIN £14 so can be half the price of that,even cheaper for 2nd hand.

defineme · 03/01/2010 23:08

My ds has aspergers and it's really hard on birthdays and xmas because he doesn't want anything and I spend ages trying to think of something that might catch his attention.

If he actually said he wanted a party I would do everything in my power to do it- Yanbu having the party and I appreciate that if your dd's said she doesn't mind then no she reallyy doesn't.

I know several people that have this arrangement- party or present with their kids-it really is quite normal.

I think a book or somethingg just to wrap up would be fine if you feel bad though.

megapixels · 04/01/2010 00:11

Hmmm. So it's better to give her a party she doesn't want, and a present she doesn't want just because a 6 year old must have a party and present?

I think you are right to do as you have decided OP, you can only do one of the things your dd wants. And she has chosen.

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 00:15

OP only you know your child not us so if a certain party in soft play is what she really really wants than so be it if you can afford it that is. That party will be the present, if i was a 6 yo that would be a might fine present to me, you dont have to have something to unwrap there is no rule about it.

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 00:19

Not every child has a party, does not mean they are somehow disadvantaged, its a priviledge not a right for every child to have one btw. I never had one at all but i was never really bothered tbh. If my mum had suggested a party at soft play that would have been fantastic like all my birthdays and christmases in one thats enough of a present to me tbh and ops daughter might see that the same way.

SE13Mummy · 04/01/2010 00:35

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable; you've considered your DD's needs, desires and your family budget and come up with something that meets all three. The crucial thing is perhaps that she understands that the party is her gift from you rather than being instead of a gift. Maybe you could make a Playmobil cake (or number 6 with a couple of her Playmobil people on the top) for her party if that's something she's really into?

It sounds perfect. My 5-year-old DD only really wanted Pritt Stick and sellotape for Christmas. In the end Father Christmas and I went halves on some Lego from eBay and each gave her some (to supplement the glue and sellotape!).

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 00:39

You can get cheap playmobile from the bay at a fraction of the price so she could still have it and the party.

CardyMow · 04/01/2010 02:54

My DC's have always known that they don't have a party every year. Even the two that are ASD. My budget has NEVER allowed for that. They get their 1st birthday party, their 6th birthday party (usually the biggest as whole class, too early for 'set' friends etc) 10th birthday (double figures) and 13th birthday (teenager). Other than that, they can have a friend for a sleepover. My DS1 however, chose not to have a 6th birthday party, so I kept the money in his bank account. He has decided that he wants a party this year (on his 8th birthday) instead. His choice, money has been kept for him. If your DD has said she wants the party, do the party. While I understand about money probs, I am on benefits, and have 3 DC's. And £30 is NOT enough for a birthday. I save all yr long, and their Child Benefit goes on birthday and Christmas presents for them. The hint is in the name. It's to benefit the child. I use the cild tax credits to pay for their food etc, and my Income Support to pay the bills.

poguemahone · 04/01/2010 03:57

YANBU - your DD will have plenty to open from others, plus the experience and memories of the party. I like your idea of a very cheap gift so she has a 'thing' to unwrap from you.

FWIW I think £30 IS enough to spend on a birthday. I'm genuinely surprised at the idea that Child Benefit should be used solely for presents - what an odd interpretation of the name.

Hando · 04/01/2010 04:19

poguemahone... your name just gave me a 4am laugh. Thanks!

ChippingIn · 04/01/2010 05:23

Marne - YANBU, not in any way.

It is pointless having a 'cheaper' party at home or at the park etc as that is not what she wants. She wants a party at the soft play place - yes, many grown ups think that they are crap (I don't think they are good value for money), but that isn't the point - it's her birthday not theirs!!

Choosing between a party & a present. I don't think I would have given her the choice, I would have just made the party her 'main' present & bought her a few small bits to wrap up. However, you have given her the choice & she has chosen - she seems happy with it and as you said, she doesn't really play with many toys... seems she has made a great decision. I think buying a few books, lunch box, whatever you can afford to wrap up is a good idea.

She will get lots of presents to unwrap and will love the party... how could you possibly be, being unreasonable.

Now your DH - he & I would fall out quickly!

BTW folks, I think it is rude to say that a small amount of money is not enough to spend on a birthday and I think it is equally rude to say that spending x amount is too much. It is up to everyone what they think is a reasonable amount of money to spend on their child & their childs party. Rude to comment.

Hando · 04/01/2010 05:40

Chipping in - it's not rude to comment when the Op has posted about the situation on the internet.. especially on AIBU - it's expected!

Op I have changed my mind. Upon reading some of your other posts it appears that you did the right thing by having the softplay party that your daughter wanted.

Hope it went well and she had a great day! x

ChippingIn · 04/01/2010 05:49

Hando, I didn't mean discussing how much was available to be spent, nor suggestions of ways to spend it etc, just the comments like this [Perhaps it is me but £100 seems way over the top] which is actually mild, but these birthday threads always escalate onto how much is reasonable & how much is 'mean' or 'over the top'. It was more a 'please let's not go there this time' than anything else.

If you knew me, you'd know I have no problem discussing money - mine or yours

The OP only posted yesterday to say it was her daughters birthday 'soon', so there's time yet to convince her she is NBU

Original poster
Marne · 04/01/2010 08:30

Thank you all for your posts, i did expect a mixed response, i was unsure if i was being unreasonable which is why i posted, dd1 is my PFB and its the first child i have done the party thing with.

I don't think dh is being unreasonable, he's just a bit tight with money, if it wasn't for dh being tight i would be in dept as i love to spend, dh keeps our heads above water.

I have decided to let dd1 have her party and just buy her a small gift (something useful) and she can buy the playmobil with any birthday money (she will enjoy a trip to toysrus to spend it).

Because of her Aspergers (as someone else said) she would not settle for a small party and small present (as she wants the party at soft play).

I wrote that 100.00 is a lot of money because you don't get much for your 100.00 but it will be worth it to dd1 as its what she really wants. Also they are not little for long and next year maybe she will be happy just having a friend around for dinner.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/01/2010 08:43

Great! I'm sure she will have a FAB time!!

I don't want to burst ya bubble, but at the thought of a 7 year old just wanting a friend around for dinner for her birthday -Good luck with that one!

Well done to your DH for keeping your heads above the water.

pigletmania · 04/01/2010 08:56

Marne just seeing your daughter enjoy the soft play is enough, i know that it sounds a lot but for children its a fantastic experience. As you said you can get the Playmobile with her birthday money or use that to help buy it, will help with the cost. Hope that it all goes well

StanleyFletcher · 04/01/2010 09:46

Wannabe and Megapixles are on the money. My DC are 5 and 6 and they have had exactly one joint party ever. Neither DH or I are big birthday celebrators and, by fortune, both our kids have their birthday's during school holidays so there is no big pressure to have exorbitant parties! heheheheh - [evil laugh]

YANBU for giving her what she wants and for the record, I do not think that 6 is too young to be asked to make a choice. I would perhaps say party and small pressie or bigger pressie rather than one or the other but I don't think it is ridiculous.

moomaa · 04/01/2010 13:53

I hope that she enjoys her party. This sounds really mean but my siblings and I didn't get birthday presents or cards from our parents but occasionally we'd get a party. I never thought it was mean (and still don't) it's just the way our family did things.

I don't think it was at all unreasonable to let her have the choice. Kids pick up on things about money anayway and it's better to be open about it. It was obvious even as as a small child that our standard of living was higher when Mum was working (she got made redundant a few times). Mum let me write cheques for her, operate the cash machine for her (except the PIN), buy things at shop counters and market stalls for her and I knew my parents wages and how they voted and why. It was a good education.

nappyaddict · 04/01/2010 14:02

I don't think YABU. My friend did this with her DD who was also 6 although they did get her a small present as well.

MayfairMummy · 04/01/2010 14:18

Hi Marne,
I understand your dilemma. Have you looked at ebay for a 2nd hand playmobil present? I've just scanned and there's some stuff there for

Original poster
Marne · 04/01/2010 14:35

I will have a look on e-bay, its a dinosaur set she is after which comes with a volcano.

We are open about money with our children (and dh's children), dd1 understands where money comes from and that sometimes she can not have what she wants.

She is never really bothered about presents (never asks for anything unless i say 'what would you like'), she gets a lot during the year from boot-sales and charity shops and has a room full of playmobil.

Most of my family will give her cash for her birthday as no body ever knows what to buy her.

OP posts: