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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For telling dd1 she isn't getting a bithday present?

85 replies

Marne · 03/01/2010 20:36

Dd1 had a party for her birthday last year, i told her this year money is a bit tight and she won't be able to have a party, now its getting closer to dd's birthday she is now getting very upset about not having a party.

I said to her 'ok, if you want a party you can have one but i will not have enough money to buy a present', she said she would rather have the party.

So i was speaking to my dad today and he said i was being mean by giving her a choice of a party of a present.

So AIBU by not getting her a present?

She will get presents from her friends (at the party) as well as from family, plus she got so much for x-mas (which she doesn't really play with).

She will be 6, and i know its a little young to understand money etc..

OP posts:
DollyMessiter · 03/01/2010 21:10

I think it is concerning that your DH has objections to your DD having a birthday present

Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:11

I feel really mean now, sometimes i forget she's only 6,mainly because she talks like a 12 year old due to her Aspergers.

Its hard to sway her off the idea of the soft play, she thinks because her friends have there parties there then she has to have hers there (which is normal for a 6 year old i know). Its hard to find her a present as she's not into girly things, doesn't play with dolls or barbies. She would be happy with some toy cars but she has 100's already. I will find her something but it will be something small, i just didn't want her to expect the playmobil as well as the party, she will get some money from her grandad and i would be happy for her to get the playmobil with her birthday money.

OP posts:
juuule · 03/01/2010 21:12

Yanbu.

You have given her the choice. But really the party is her present from you so in effect she has picked her present.

As you have said she will have presents to unwrap from her friends and will probably have a great time being the centre of attention and enjoying the soft play with her friends.

Probably depends on the child but mine understood about party or present for their birthdays and the older ones don't seem to have any long lasting resentments about it.

RainRainGoAway · 03/01/2010 21:13

I think if her heart is set on the soft play then fair enough.
Is there any way you could tell her though that she can have only X number of friends to make it affordable?

Eg - 3 friends and able to get the playmobile.
6 friends and only a toy car to add to the collection (she sounds like my DS!)

purpleduck · 03/01/2010 21:14

For £100 you could get her a pressie, take her and a few friends to the soft play for a few hours, and take them to McD's for tea

juuule · 03/01/2010 21:15

If she is going to get the playmobil with her birthday money then there really isn't any problem at all, is there?
She'll have all she wants for her birthday - party and then the playmobil to look forward to afterwards.

purpleduck · 03/01/2010 21:17

I find the parties hosted at soft play areas very poor value for money, and the food is generally crap. I think they are appealing to parents (in addition to children wanting it) is that there isn't really anything for parents to do.

Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:17

She did say to me that she didnt want a present as she will get presents at the party from her friends plus presents from Nanny and grandad.

Dh thinks i spoil the dd's which is why he does'nt want to spend a fortune on birthdays, i spent a fortune on christmas and he doesn't see the point in buying any more toys as they have too much.

OP posts:
Jux · 03/01/2010 21:19

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. A party is what she wants. A party is what you're giving her. You're fine.

Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:20

purpleduck- i agree, we went to a party today and it was rubbish. I would have it in the village hall but i have no one to help me.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 03/01/2010 21:21

I am going to go against the grain here.

If the op had been that the dd had made a choice between a present and a party and had chosen a present so "ibu to not let her have a party?" the response would have been overwhelmingly that op was NBU. What is this obsession with the need for presents when it appears the child in question isn't actually that bothered about receiving them?

I would say that as she has Aspergers and appears to be set on the party she wants, giving her a party she doesn't want and a present she doesn't want would cause her more upset than giving her the party she has her heart set on and not buying her a present she doesn't want anyway. Imo people are thinking about the lack of a present too much from their own perspective..

so op - yanbu.

Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:22

I have given her the option of just taking 2 friends and having a present but she said she would rather have a party and no present.

She loves being the center of attention which is why she wants the party (so she can be birthday girl for the day).

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 03/01/2010 21:26

I agree with wannaBe. If she really really wants a party and isn't arsed about presents, then just give her a party.

Runoutofideas · 03/01/2010 21:27

Could you not ask the grandad to buy the playmobil instead of giving her money, then she'll get the present she wanted on the right day? I'm sure she won't mind who it comes from...

Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:28

Thank you, i don't feel as mean now , maybe i could buy her something that she needs (like a lunch box) or maybe some books from a charity shop (she reeds a lot) just so she has something to open.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marne · 03/01/2010 21:30

I think she would prefer to go to the shop and get the playmobil. Grandad works 6 days a week so does'nt get time to buy gifts which is why he sends cash.

OP posts:
megapixels · 03/01/2010 21:34

No I don't think YABU at all. I see things quite differently though, I don't see a birthday party as an essential like some people do. It's something nice which my children enjoy but they don't get one every year (not because we can't afford it but because we don't think it's necessary). If I had money issues I wouldn't dream of having a birthday party however much the kids wanted one. But I am levelheadedmean like that.

Bookswapper · 03/01/2010 21:42

you know your own daughter and you've said it yourself...she wants to be the birthday girl. For her that will be the best present of all. You sound like a fab mummy!

zapostrophe · 03/01/2010 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thisisyesterday · 03/01/2010 21:50

hmm i posted but it isn't here!

i said you aren't being unreasonable.
she'll enjoy buying the playmobil herself too

and don't bother with party bags etc, not necessary

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 03/01/2010 22:01

Just another idea...

I hosted a sleep-over for my son instead of a party this year. I told him he could have as many friends as he could fit in his room for a sleep-over, instead of taking them all paint-balling, which was what he had originally wanted, but there was no way I could afford.

It was brilliant! A few bags of sweets and a dvd and they were happy.

Cheap as chips.

Now all his friends are asking their mums for a sleepover instead of a party, and I am a very popular woman!

Hando · 03/01/2010 22:24

Well..

YABU, a little. I do not want to make you feel bad, my dd (5) is also very gorwn up and forward for her age and I too often forget she is only little when we're sitting discussing things like you would with an older child - so I see your point there.

However, it is only her birthday one day a year I can't imagine my dd not having a present from me to open up on her birthday. I would never have given her the option of present or party at such a young age.

Softplay "parties" are rubbish - we have been to loads. Food is always crap, cold limp chips and manky cheap bread and economy meat filling for sandwiches. You'd be better paying the few quid for each child entry then having snacks and pizza at yours afterwards. Lasts longer than a soft p;ay party and is much better value for money.

I think I just find it hard to understand that you haven't budgeted to buy your daughter even a small gift. I have had times where I have had no money, single parent on benefits for a short period, but you know when it's going to be her birthday a whole year in advance -even £2 a week saved. As i said, I don't want you to feel bad or guilty, just commenting on your OP. Couldn't you get her a nice toy, something decent but inexpensive (in my mind most pound shop style toys are worse than no toy at all as they are crappy, flimsy and break in 5 mins). Even a tenner would get a nice toy in the sale in Sainsburys or a board game from Argos or something similar. I'm sure there's something you could go without this week to be able to save a tenner, don't smoke, cut back on the food shopping budget, don't buy that bottle of wine/beers this week. I don't know - just guessing for ideas.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 03/01/2010 22:29

I think yabu because, as other posts have said, a party and a present together needn't cost much at all
Explain to her that a soft play party is too expensive and you can throw her an even better party at home and let her choose what foods she'd like (from a list you have worked out will fit in with your budget) then go to town on making it a really fun party and give her a present, needn't be expensive, just something she can unwrap so she doesn't go without a present from her own parent!
You need to make the decision here, not your dd, She is 6, you are the adult and you have the finances. Give her a lovely party with friends at home but keep the budget tight and allow for a present.
Then make sure you budget properly for next year as not having enough money for a present for your dc isn't very fair IMO as although I'm all for children knowing the value of money I don't think it's reasonable to expect a child of 6 to have to go without a present because you haven't allowed for it in your budgeting.

satc2bringiton · 03/01/2010 22:35

My DS is 6 soon - he wants a £300 party which he wont be getting.

If I were you, I would do a party you can afford and get her a small pressie.

mumeeee · 03/01/2010 22:35

YABU. You don't need to spend loads on a birthday and a 6 year old still needs a present from you/ You could have a few frinds round for a dress up party or some other theme and you could buy her a small present. She is to young to have to make a decision between a party and a present. Your Dad is right.

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