to think that 'if it wasnt for the dcs we wouldnt be together' isnt That harsh, or untrue in some cases?

[snowedinwithJjandtheBean]

I can comfortably say me and dp wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the children.

There has been many a situation, nothing serious before anyone sayes we should split, where had i not got them tying me to him id have considered leaving him,

despite being head over heels in love with him,
and also i can imagine the feud that was between me and his family tested him severely. (thats all over now and im close to my ils)

we know had it not been for the dcs we wouldn't have fought so hard.

I am not saying this as a negative thing, we are very happy, just got engaged and are buying our first home, we move from renting in 6weeks, things couldnt be better, but im just saying had it not been for ds and dd wed have probably just thought fuck it, and left. And wouldnt have such a lovely relationship and happy family now.

SO AIBU?

Good!

For now you're not...... But that's cos you are all excited about house/engagement etc

Fast forward a few years.....

yanbu, I could say the same, it is much easier to split when there are no dc

I think having children together is a glue that holds couples together during the bad times

and just as well, and so it should be

unless there are serious issues, in which case obviously it is best to split

YANBU. There were times when if not for the dc I wouldn't have been motivated enough to work things out. Maybe I'm just lazy.

YANBU - however equally having children can sometimes keep you in a bad relationship, when but for DC you would have ended it much quicker...that was my experience anyway. I (rather stupidly, in hindsight) got pregnant within about 6 weeks of getting together with my Ex. Had I not done, I think our relationship would have died a natural death in about 12-18 months. As it was, I ignored all the warning signs, things got really bad, he did some serious damage to my confidence & in the end it took me 7 years to finally extricate myself.

You are right too hatesponge.

oh its nothing like that, just silly stuff like he stops helping out, he ran to his mums to many times when i disagreed with him, isnt to reliable for picking me up on time, 3hrs late, when he drops me off places, real petty things that havent happened in over 18mnths.

Hatesponge i completely understand your comment, thats why i was very careful what i put as a title!

I think you have a point. Sometimes I don't think I would still be with his nibs if we hadn't had children so quickly. He did too much stuff in the early years that I would have left him for if we didn't already have a baby and one on the way.

True enough, but a very difficult thing to say to someone out loud and have them understand it.

It could also mean a very bad thing, you see.

heqet, thats how i felt, im glad we had the children to hold us together through a bad year because 09 was the best year for us and im hoping 2010 is even better!

trillian, completely understand what you mean

I used to think that if I weren't married to DH and we didn't have DS I'd have walked out a few times. It's easy to do when there's nothing holding you down and you're angry. But it would have been a mistake, b/c I love DH so much.

I look at couples without kids and think "How can you possibly find anything to argue over, your lives must be totally easy, fun and blissful?" And yet lots of them do argue and split up, when if I was them I'd just spend my whole time having sex with dh and going to Paris for the weekend together.
I suspect it's really hard to keep a relationship going for years without having kids - it can just seem all a bit pointless without them.
I often notice that in TV shows like Grand Designs the couples who spend years making ridiculously fancy places to live in often don't have kids - it's like they are trying to find a joint venture together instead of parenthood to pour all that nesting energy into. I look at their wet rooms and restored Georgian sash windows etc and think "What a waste of time and money"
Um, just been interrupted from this profound train of thought by 2 kids demanding breakfast.
Don't feel bad about how you feel - relationships grow and change with time. The more you put in the more you get out, I think.

i think you are fair,but for us having our DD has put tremendous financial pressure on us - resulting in a lot of arguments and stress - the sentence "if it wasn't for DD i'd be gone" has been bandied about more than once and i do believe that DP would have left me if we had these problems and no DD (financial difficulties, severe PND) We had been together for 13 years pre DD although i had a child from a previous relationship.

Don't get me wrong - i love DD dearly and DP adores her too, but being a parent is bloody tough sometimes and as catunderpants said, its hard to find things to argue about really when you spend your lives shagging and doing things you enjoy - plus we were both earning and stupidly living beyond our means pre DD and only just getting back on our feet now - four years later - stupid fools!

Good luck OP with your move, a very exciting time for you xx

riven, that is kinda sad

I know one of your dd will always be with you, but what will happen when the other dc grow up and move out ?

YANBU
Our relationship has been hard at times and without DS we may have gone 'fuck it' and separated. In fact I'm sure DH would have gone back 'home' if it weren't for DS. I don't blame him for that, I would never have moved to his country to be with him I couldn't have been happy. So although he is happier here than I would be there, he makes it work for our family, not for me, IYSWIM.

I don't think it's that harsh, or that untrue. And I don't think that being together for the sake of the children is always such a bad thing. Obviously in many cases it IS a bad thing, but I know some people who mangage to muddle along. It's not perfect but life rarely is.

Do you mean that you constantly feel like that Riven? I think it's normal to sometimes feel that you've lost the spark, it's only in the movies that couples are smitten with each other 24/7 and waiting till the kids go to bed every night to rip the clothes off each other. Do you spend much time with your dh, just the two of you together? It is a must for reconnecting.

Sounds a sad place to be Riven. Sorry I can't offer you anything more than commiserations.

I do know that I stayed in a truly dire marriage (rebound while balance of judgement seriously impaired!) for 6 years longer than necessary because I didn't want to unsettle my children. They didn't want to say how unhappy they were and how horridly their stepfather treated them at times because they didn't want to upset me.

aww, riven

I can see how that would be the case riven

it doesn't leave much room for coupledom

It's not harsh at all. I think it is true for all relationships at times. Every couple has their doldrums and freedom looks so good. But usually the feeling passes.

Regardless of what I feel about DH, I look at our marriage and think that it's a fine strong nurturing thing and I am proud of it. We both contribute to it and it's supports all of us.