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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking Ex's girlfriend is being a ridiculous nut job?

51 replies

WomanFlu · 02/01/2010 10:45

My children's father has a girlfriend who took an instant dislike to me as soon as she got with him. I can only assume jealously and insecurity as I've done nothing to her whatsoever.

Anyway, according to my son she slags me off everytime they're there. Comments on the clothes I buy them, what I spend my money on and generally the way I live my life.

For christmas, my son (11) got his first mobile phone. He doesn't have many contacts on it yet as they've obviously not been back to school since christmas so I send him the odd text just to give him an excuse to play around with it.

My texts are usually along the lines of "hi poo-face" or "guess what, I'm eating cheese and onion crisps ... mmmmm :-P" etc!!!

So on boxing day, he was at his dads and it was the first time he'd taken the phone out of this house. I text him that night with "have you lost your phone yet? :-P"

ANYWAY, this apparantly caused the girlfriend to go into a raging hissy fit and she barked at him "DO NOT TEXT 'HER' HERE!!" and she then ordered his dad to check the text messages to see what I'd been saying!!

DS is due to go there today and he's just said to me "might be best if you don't text me while I'm there, Andrea says I'm not allowed to text you back and she gets really cross when you send me stuff"

IMO if I want to text my own bloody son, I will do!! And I think its shocking that he's not allowed to text me back! if I was sending stuff like "bet your dad is being an arsehole eh?" I could understand it!

AIBU for thinking she's a nutcase?
AIBU for texting him anyway? despite the "ban"?

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 02/01/2010 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

largeginandtonic · 02/01/2010 10:49

She is MAD and i would not let my son go there if she was.

Poor him to have to hear all that

flockwallpaper · 02/01/2010 10:50

Yep, sounds nutty as a fruitcake to me. Can you talk to your children's father about this?

pjmama · 02/01/2010 10:50

I think you need to have a talk to your ex - her behaviour is irrational and totally unacceptable. Whether or not you text your DS has got nothing to do with her and she has no right to invade his privacy by demanding to read his texts. Plus your DS should not have to listen to this kind of venom directed at his mother from someone who is supposed to be a responsible adult and taking part in his upbringing.

I would be seriously concerned about my children being in regular contact with someone who behaved like this. Separated parents is hard enough for a child to deal with, without a self-serving, insecure nutter thrown in the mix.

Original poster
WomanFlu · 02/01/2010 10:51

I know, I hate them going and my son hates going too. She's a complete nutter.

OP posts:
Heqet · 02/01/2010 10:52

Bloody hell. She sounds horrible. I would refuse to let her near my son if she behaved like that!

Heqet · 02/01/2010 10:53

If he's 11 does he not now have the legal right to choose? Or at least have his opinion taken into consideration. He can't be forced to go, surely?

Original poster
WomanFlu · 02/01/2010 10:53

Just before christmas, she apparantly gave them a lecture on how they could always go and live with them since I'm so horrible etc.

She's just constantly trying to poison them.

OP posts:
shockers · 02/01/2010 10:53

I'd tell your ex that your DS won't be going until she can keep her behaviour in check. I'd also be worried about the strength of her feelings and the fact that she clearly has a temper.

satc2bringiton · 02/01/2010 10:55

You need to deal with this head on.

How very dare she!

pjmama · 02/01/2010 10:55

If your son hates going too, then stop sending him and tell your ex exactly why. How long has your ex been with her? Is it a long term relationship? Could your ex see his son without her around? If not, then you all need to get together and talk it through like adults and agree a way for you all to get along without making your poor boy's life a misery.

LauraIngallsWilder · 02/01/2010 10:55

I agree with everyone

I would either text him anyway - he is your son, you are entitled to send him a message to say hello

Or refuse to allow him to go until she behaves in a normal way

Poor boy

Original poster
WomanFlu · 02/01/2010 10:59

They've been together about 4 years. They live together but broke up last year because she was too "controlling". Ex is not allowed to text or call anyone female or she goes off on one. She once kicked him in the balls because he got a text off a woman from work wishing him a happy birthday.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 02/01/2010 11:01

I agree with all the other comments. This woman is deluded and toxic.

I bought my kids mobile phones (when they each reached 10) precisely so they could text me when they were with their dad and his girlfriend. And I send texts exactly along the same lines you do.

This woman is damaging to your son. He should not be in a position where he has to try and please his mum and dad and this other woman. That is grossly unfair.

How dare she say that there is to be on contact with you when she is around. Yet still expect it to be okay for your son to deal with her?

Your ex needs to be aware of what is going on and to get a backbone and stand up to this despicable behaviour. And I would say you are NBU to say your son is not going over there today.

Whilst you and he are no longer together, for whatever reason, your DS is stuck in the middle of this and should not be.

Either he sorts it or I will send the boys round.

Grrrr this sort of behaviour where innocent kids get stuck in the middle makes my blood boil

itsmeolord · 02/01/2010 11:01

You need to talk to your ex, he needs to know this is not acceptable. Its uo to him to sort it out otherwise his relationship with his kids will end up suffering.

I am a stepmum and I could never behave lke this, she sounds awful.

ChippingIn · 02/01/2010 11:04

I would ask your son if he wants to go or not - if he does, then just tell him you wont text him unless it's important (for his sakem not the unhinged ones), but that if HE wants to text YOU, then he should and you will reply. Just reassure him that she's a bit odd, but that it's still fine if he wants to go and see his Dad. If he doesn't want to go I'd call his Dad & tell him why - let his Dad deal with it. I would only talk to his Dad about how he feels if he wanted me to though, else he wont feel like he can talk to you in confidence then he will clam up about how it is there.

ChippingIn · 02/01/2010 11:07

Forgot to mention YANBU - she is a nut job and you are NBU in not wanting him to go, but if he wants to go I don't think you should stop him or discuss how he feels with his Dad unless you talk about it with him first. Don't break his trust in you, it's important he knows he can talk to you in confidence.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 02/01/2010 11:12

I would be inclined to stop any bloody visits until this freak woman learns to behave like an adult, let your ex see the kids without her!! of course easier said than done but honestly, I would be worried about what sort of thing this woman is saying to your son - she sounds toxic

tinalane · 02/01/2010 11:21

YANBU

That must have been upsetting to hear.

You must be worried about her & her behaviour beyond that about texting.

I think for you to text your son is perfectly acceptable, you must miss him a lot when he's there.

It sounds like you're concerned for him & his father because of this gf. Sending texts to him when he's there might begin to feel like you are ganging up against her, and as you say she sounds very insecure.

I hope she grows up quickly & acts like a responsible adult. Perhaps you are right to oly send them in an emergency & wouldn't you contact his father about that anyway?

I hope things normalize real soon.

KimiLovesHerFamily · 02/01/2010 11:33

She is a nutcase and you need to get your EX to explain to her that even though she lives with him you your child and him are a separate dynamic and she needs to keep out of it.

overmydeadbody · 02/01/2010 11:40

YANBU

If your son doesn't want to go, then just don't send him. Are your other children older or younger than him? I would be worried on what effect she is having on younger siblings too.

I would not want my DS subjected to nutters like her.

Ivykaty44 · 02/01/2010 11:49

at 11 your ds can decide if he wants to go or not.

I would personelly take a step back from all this and tell your ds that he is free to visit his father but you will not text him and make life difficult - if though life is difficult when he visits his father that your ds needs to tell his father himself that he is not comfortable.

You telling your ex what to do will not go down well. Your ds is old enough to voice his own oppinion and then decide whether it is taken into account when he is there.

Things might well be ok when he visits but just the odd thing he desn't like and he has to decide not you.

clam · 02/01/2010 11:52

This is absolutely unacceptable and YAdefinitelyNBU. If your ex has chosen to remain with her despite her controlling ways, that is up to him, but she cannot expect to control your son in the same way.

You are well within your rights to intervene.

Ivykaty44 · 02/01/2010 11:59

It all is unacceptable - but it really does need to be handled carefully for damage limitation for the ds.

Going in with all guns balzing is most probably going to be the reaction required to confirm that the resident parent OP is unhinged excactly as this weird gf thinks.

carefully tread as st the end o the day it is the dc that will suffer

Not the three adults, it is possible that the g/f has thoughts that if she causes enough troble the dss will stop going? who knows

edam · 02/01/2010 12:02

agree with everyone else, the woman is appalling and barking.

Would disagree with Ivykaty, it's asking a lot of an 11yo to stand up to his father and his father's girlfriend, especially when that father is so weak he allows himself ? and his son ? to be controlled to this extent.