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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking Ex's girlfriend is being a ridiculous nut job?

51 replies

WomanFlu · 02/01/2010 10:45

My children's father has a girlfriend who took an instant dislike to me as soon as she got with him. I can only assume jealously and insecurity as I've done nothing to her whatsoever.

Anyway, according to my son she slags me off everytime they're there. Comments on the clothes I buy them, what I spend my money on and generally the way I live my life.

For christmas, my son (11) got his first mobile phone. He doesn't have many contacts on it yet as they've obviously not been back to school since christmas so I send him the odd text just to give him an excuse to play around with it.

My texts are usually along the lines of "hi poo-face" or "guess what, I'm eating cheese and onion crisps ... mmmmm :-P" etc!!!

So on boxing day, he was at his dads and it was the first time he'd taken the phone out of this house. I text him that night with "have you lost your phone yet? :-P"

ANYWAY, this apparantly caused the girlfriend to go into a raging hissy fit and she barked at him "DO NOT TEXT 'HER' HERE!!" and she then ordered his dad to check the text messages to see what I'd been saying!!

DS is due to go there today and he's just said to me "might be best if you don't text me while I'm there, Andrea says I'm not allowed to text you back and she gets really cross when you send me stuff"

IMO if I want to text my own bloody son, I will do!! And I think its shocking that he's not allowed to text me back! if I was sending stuff like "bet your dad is being an arsehole eh?" I could understand it!

AIBU for thinking she's a nutcase?
AIBU for texting him anyway? despite the "ban"?

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2010 12:05

yanbu BUT... the time your ds is with his dad should be 'their' time - you shouldn't really make a habit of texting just for fun, though perfectly justifiable as it was a new phone.

I would be inclined to back off and only send essential texts, not silly ones, unless your son texts you first.

GF is clearly very insecure so no point rocking the boat more than you need to - a tactful approach is what's called for.

Ivykaty44 · 02/01/2010 12:06

He is considered as old enough to make his own choice as to whether he goes or not.

At 11 if he has been able to tell his mother that there is something wrong - he should be able to tell his father he is not comfortable with all the nasty stuff being said about his mum.

I have an 11 in a similar situation

SlartyBartFast · 02/01/2010 12:17

must say i agree with fortyplus.
there are 2 sides to eveyr story after all.

it is their time with their dad afterall.

SlartyBartFast · 02/01/2010 12:20

maybe there were eating or something, mabye she said Do not text her Now.?

don't built it out of proportion.

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 14:09

She had no right to investigate the texts on his phone, that is a total invasion of his privacy!

Her abusive behaviour towards him will cause him damage. She needs to be stopped from behaving like a control freak (amongst other things) towards him.

YouSaidWHAT · 02/01/2010 14:17

i think you need to have a word with this nutter and tell her straight that as his mother you will text him when you want and he can reply, and she has no god dam right to tell him otherwise. this woman is bang out of order!!!

jeminXmashell · 02/01/2010 14:19

Agree with everyone else, how awful.

BouncingTurtle · 02/01/2010 14:21

Good grief, how old is she? 5?

She sounds like a complete loon!

Your DS sounds very bright and mature, though - I think it was very thoughtful of him to suggest you don't text him while Miss Looney Tunes is in the building. She had no right to look at his texts and she has no right to dictate who he can and cannot receive texts from, butI do agree with Fourtyplus though... you kicking up a fuss could impact negatively on your ds and will (in her eyes) justify her warped opinion of you.

Until your ex-H gets some cojones and kicks the silly cow out,not sure what you can do/say that won't make things worse, other than stopping your ds seeing his father while she is around.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 02/01/2010 14:32

Is that sort of behaviour not considered child abuse these days?

mermalaid · 03/01/2010 22:56

YANBU

I agree with everyone else, she is unhinged.

You need to speak to your ex and make him understand his responsibilities to ensure an apropriate environment for his son, and clearly having his privacy invaded by the girlfriend and being told when he can contact his most is not apropriate

I'd also be very concernede about her temper and aggression especially in light of you mentioning she kicked your ex...

mermalaid · 03/01/2010 22:58

YANBU

I agree with everyone else, she is unhinged.

You need to speak to your ex and make him understand his responsibilities to ensure an apropriate environment for his son, and clearly having his privacy invaded by the girlfriend and being told when he can contact his mother is not apropriate

I'd also be very concerned about her temper and aggression especially in light of you mentioning she kicked your ex...

BrahmsThirdRacket · 03/01/2010 23:02

What a freak. It is definitely insecurity, and an inability to face reality. My DP has kids from a previous marriage, and they can speak to their mother whenever they like, it's none of my business. If I ever said anything like she has DP would definitely have a go at me, and rightly so.

aSilverLining · 03/01/2010 23:09

YANBU - she sounds vile!

I would speak to your DS and ask him if he wants to go, and I think in the mean time it is good advice to say to him (as he has asked you himself, poor kid) that you will only text him if you need to, but he can text you any time.

Out of curiosity to other posters on this thread - at what age can the child decide on whether they want to see NR parent?? {Sorry for slight hijack OP}

MarineIguana · 03/01/2010 23:20

If it was a one-off it could possibly be that the OP is reading too much into it, but the gf has a history of controlling behaviour and violence, and she sounds horrific. Any child staying away from their resident parent overnight would want to be in touch with them, or know they could be if they wanted to. Her demands are absolutely ridiculous. And wtf is she doing dictating what is and is not "allowed" anyway - in this circumstance, that's his dad's job not hers.

I wouldn't just keep on texting though, as she might get even nastier - I'd talk to your DS and your ex and try to sort this out, whether it's access without her there, or the ex standing up to her, etc.

gtamom · 04/01/2010 10:16

YANBU.
I agree with what fortyplus said.

And the step mother/gf needs go to some anger control therapy.

GleeE4 · 04/01/2010 10:18

andrea needs ot fuck off

wannaBe · 04/01/2010 10:50

she sounds like a nutter.

However, I disagree with the posters who say that you should refuse to allow your son to go there.

Unfortunately, one of the downsides to couples splitting is that either could end up with someone the other does not consider suitable stepparent material, and you cannot simply withhold access because you don't approve of the girlfriend (even if she is a nutjob). If the child doesn't want to see his dad then he should be able to voice that opinion and it should be respected. You should also of course have a discussion with your ex about what is going on and what your ds has told you, provided you can be sure your ex won't relay the conversation back to the gf and mmake things more difficult for your ds.

I also think you should hold off texting as that is his time with his dad..

Also not sure about the comments re invading child's privacy by looking at texts (op said the gf had told the ex to look at texts?) I think that if an eleven year old has a mobile phone a parent should definitely reserve the right to look at texts to ensure that nothing inappropriate is being texted/received. Not sure that eleven year olds are mature enough to have unchecked access to such things as mobile phones..

OtterInaSkoda · 04/01/2010 11:28

I think wannaBe is talking a lot of sense.

I'd suggest that the OP's DS makes sure he keeps his phone on silent and is discrete when it comes to replying to texts - nothing to do with the GF being a nutjub (although she sounds like one) and everything to do with manners. Even the least nutty adult is surely going to get pissed off if their dp's children are randomly texting halfway through dinner, say. Not that I'm saying the OP's DS did this but you get my drift - with a new phone (or iPod or PSP) most dcs would need pointers as to when and where it's appropriate to use it, iyswim. Actually many adults could do with a few pointers, too

sheepgomeep · 04/01/2010 11:47

I had exactly the same issue with my ex's girlfriend over a mobile phone that my ds aged 10 has.

She resented the fact that I could text my son whenever he was at his dads and called me irresponsible for giving him the phone in the first place. She would take his phone off him if she caught him with it and it reached a point where my ds and his sister did not want to go to his dads at all.

There is 11 years between my ds and his 'stepmother', My ex is 32 and his girlfriend is pita at times.

I had it out with both him and her, My ex was fine with it and texts my son occaisionally but its less now as she hates it. I threatened to not send the kids anymore and he has talked to her and sorted it out but it still annoys me.

The only good thing is that luckily although ex gf is moody she doesn't have a temper, I've encouraged them to form a bond between them and her as she is nice in other ways, My ex and her have been together since she was 16. Yep he left me for her

Your ex's gf does sound a little unhinged and a poisenous piece of work and she should not be slagging you off to your children. That is awful. I am a stepmum myself and I would never to do that, ever

sheepgomeep · 04/01/2010 11:48

yes good idea to the phone being on silent. My ds has to do that

ScreaminEagle · 04/01/2010 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

brightspark2 · 04/01/2010 12:06

YANBU Talking about you like that is emotional abuse and SS take a very dim view of it.

I agree with what wannaBe says except the bit about his privacy not being invadsed by a parent - point is, she's not his parent is she?

StayFrosty · 04/01/2010 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude · 04/01/2010 12:35

"you cannot simply withhold access because you don't approve of the girlfriend (even if she is a nutjob)"

Actually, you can simply withhold access if someone is a nutjob. There is a law about not leaving your child in the care of someone you know to be unsuitable, and not approving of someone and someone being a nutjob, are 2 completely separate things.

I wouldn't allow my child to be in the care of someone with a history of violence and emotional abuse and I wouldn't advise any other parent to.

Heffthelump · 04/01/2010 13:08

YANBU, she sounds absolutely loopy. Is there anyway you can discuss the situation with your ex?