as a grandparent am I being unre...........

[maureen1]

my first input....
I know I am not the only one who thinks many parents dote on their young children encouraging them to think they are most precious and special. Is there not a chance that this type of 'worship' may lead to a disatification of the real world and an expectation that the world owns them something.
As a grandparent of a 20 year old and 3 under 5's I see evidence of this.
What do others think?

If parents don't show their children they are special and precious to them, then who will?
Kids need to feel loved and secure and confident that their parents will always support them. This doesn't mean we don't tell them off when naughty, cheeky etc.
Otherwise kids will grow away from parents too soon, and you'll end up with a disjointed family with no trust and love.
Odd question if you ask me, especially at this time of year. What have said parents done to make you feel this way???

Welcome Maureen, but I think yab a bit u.

I think it's really nice for parents to support their children and to tell them how precious and special they are to them.

The world can be pretty brutal so it's nice to know there are people who will always, unconditionally be on your side.

That's obviously not to say you should give in to unreasonable demands or tell them that they're talented in an area they're clearly weak in, but it does mean that a good parent shows confidence and encouragement and shows their child just how wonderful their potential is.

i think it's a fine line to be drawn. I want my dcs to grow up knowing they are the centre of mine and DH's lives, and that we will drop anything to help them. While both my parents work FT I always felt that I was the most important thing in their lives and they spent any time they could with me.
OTOH I don't want my DCs to think this applies to the wider world - which is why i like the fact DS goes to nursery. He needs to learn that rules need to be followed, to share and that life isn't always 100% fair.

wow x post with everyone else, and we all seem to agree

My LOs are 3 and 7. They are precious and special and I make sure they know it. They also know that they are beautiful and clever and lots of other good things.

I will also do my best to make sure they are well adjusted people who won't think the world owes them something.

There is no harm in instilling confidence in our children.

I wish my parents and grandparents had thought as I do. I spent my childhood being put down and only discovered my own good points in my 30s.... which is way too late!

I think you hit the nail on the head there, SPB. As long as the children aren't in a bubble and they go to some outside activities, nursery or similar, they're going to learn pretty quickly that wider society functions a little different from family and that's only right and natural.

Under 5s need plenty of love and security. Children who have secure attachments to their parents are shown to have less separation anxiety and feel more sure of themselves when their parents aren't around.

I agree that children need to know they are loved and precious. That's not the same as allowing them to think that their wants and needs are paramount though. Boundaries are vital, and also instilling a realisation that they are part of a wider world where they won't be the centre of the universe.

There is also a wealth of evidence to show that heaping praise indiscriminately on children, and allowing them to think that whatever they do is wonderful, is in fact very harmful to the child as it doesn't enable them to build up any resilience. I guess this is maybe what the OP is referring to? A child is best off learning the hard lessons of life within the security of the family unit, because if the first time they encounter any kind of knock back is in the big wide world where other people don't love them and cherish them unconditionally, it makes for a tougher life in the long run.

Welcome Maureen I am grandmother to 9 very special and precious people aged between 12 years and 10 months.

Maureen, I know what you are saying. Out there in the wide world life is tough, and it's one of our parenting responsibilities to help our childen negotiate this. They will have to handle rejection, failure, unflattering comparisons and the consequences of making bad choices. I suspect you are worried that your dgcs are poorly prepared for this kind of thing. And I agree, some are. On the other hand, constantly telling your dc's they are average isn't great for their confidence either and I suspect can lead to lack of confidence and inability to take risks.

Aah, it's hard being a parent and getting the balance right.

Same here Kamsmum. Had therapy about my relationship with father, therapist described him as a narcissistic parent.
would have loved to feel as if he was proud of me, just once. I got 98% in a test once, he asked if I lost 2% by miss spelling my name?!?

Well my DC are the most precious and special people in the world. I tell them that a lot.

At school however they are just one of many, some of which are cleverer, more successful, more popular, better looking, and who are no doubt also precious and special to those who love them.

Unless your gc are growing up in a bubble I suspect they will soon realise that their specialness is subjective.

I listened recently to an article on the radio along the lines of the above discussion. The listener told of getting on a bus and seeing lots of old people standing and a mum and 3ish year old girl taking up a whole seat. the little girl said to mum 'why are all these people standing? Mum said 'because there arent enough seats' Girl says 'why have I got a seat mummy?' Mother replies 'Because you are a person too'. Do you think Mum was taking the sentiment a little too far?

I agree that there are far too many parents, and families that allow their children to believe that the world revolves around them.

It's fine for a child to believe that a household or family unit revolves around them, that's their child, their problem. However, sending them into the real world with this mentality is just stupid.

There is a huge difference between letting a child know they are special and loved, and letting them think the whole world revolves around them.
The important thing is to let them grow up loved, confident and understanding of other people around them and their problems and feelings.

I do beammeupscotty ! Children pay reduced fares because they can sit on their mum's laps. Also, I don't think there's enough respect for the elderly and it's up to parents to teach it!

X Factor syndrome - parents not able to tell their DCs they are rubbish at something- is that the sort of thing you mean?

OTOH I have a thread about my MIL to whom whatever DS does will never be good enough but that reflects on us not him - I'd hate to think he showed her a picture he'd drawn and she criticised it

Scotty, that was just selfish bad manners.

As well as letting our children feel loved and confident, we also have a duty to teach them a whole load of important behaviours which equip them to be responsible members of society.

BTW, I was once in a packed train in Barcelona and shocked a lot of people by making my DD stand up to give others a seat - a man actually offered me his seat for her. Maybe in Spain they have a higher regard for children?

I can see your point Maureen, i do sometimes thing that things have gone too far and are too child centred, it is a fine line and i think most people do try and keep the balance right.

On buses i would let my 3 yr old sit as she has poorer balance than an adult and would be more likely too fall. I would however offer my seat instead, my dd quite enjoys chatting to old ladies as a result of this happening alot.

all parents are different, as are all grandparents. For every mum who dotes 'too much' on their children there's a grandmother who spoils her grandchild and for every mum who doesn't give enough love there's a grandparent who thinks grandchildren are nothing special.

I can't really answer this as I think the OP is waaaay too general. Yes, some parents do over-do the PFB bit. Some strike a happy medium and some don't do it enough. The OP seemed to ring a bit tuttish and a bit miserable and a bit "huh, young people these days", which is possibly leading me to say yes, YABU. Like missingtheaction said, it's hard being a parent and getting the balance right.

Also for every parent that expects the world to revolve around their child, there are a hundred others behaving sensibly.

There's no need to ration praise with under-5s, I doubt they'd understand. I agree that it's wrong to bring up children as they get older to think that the world revolves around them, but as everyone has said it's a difficult line to draw between encouraging self-esteem but also not making them unbearably selfish.

Personally I know that my parents would not 'drop anything to help me'. I think this is a good thing. They are individuls with their own lives. For eample when I lived at home, my parents would drive me places if I asked nicely and only if they didn't already have plans. Why should I get priority use over the car and over their time? They are people too. If I had a real crisis I know they would be there for me, but sometimes their wants/needs outrank mine. And that's the way it should be.