as a grandparent am I being unre...........

[maureen1]

my first input....
I know I am not the only one who thinks many parents dote on their young children encouraging them to think they are most precious and special. Is there not a chance that this type of 'worship' may lead to a disatification of the real world and an expectation that the world owns them something.
As a grandparent of a 20 year old and 3 under 5's I see evidence of this.
What do others think?

[WingedVictory]

Hello, maureen, it depends how the love is balanced with discipline. I do love my dear little one, and delight in trying to cuddle him (he's not always keen) but when he hits me or his father, or throws food, or whatever, I do tell him no, and have also started taking him away from the scene when he pushes someone.

Never telling a child no is a very bad start; is this what you mean? or is it a global "you are the best ever; no-one is as good as you" sort of thing?

[StealthPolarBear]

sorry, thats what i meant really - drop everything as appropriate to the situation.
on a night out i could have called my dad to pick me up if i was stranded (never did). they would both spend hours helping me check over CVs and job applications. Mum will come to help look after the DCs at short notice if i'm ill. thst sort of thing

[StealthPolarBear]

i suppose it's the attiotude that if its important to me then it is to them - which is also how dh ?& i are with each other. he took a day off when i had a job interview to look after ds etc

[poinsettydawg]

I just want my children to know they are the most precious and special people to me. They are very aware that the world owes them nothing.

[TinselianAstra]

Don't worry Stealth, I know you're a sensible person , I wasn't particularly aiming at you, just using your words to demonstrate. The thing is, I also know of people at uni whose parents would drive hundreds of miles to stay in their room and look after them when they had a cold. Very sweet and everything but IMO either that parent needs to let go or that (adult) child needs to grow up. (also I did face at what that parent had told their work they were doing when they suddenly disappeared)

[coldtits]

it's a fine line. I want my children to know they are the centre of MY universe, without thinking they are the centre of THE universe.

Difficult. I am heavy handed in explaining the rights of OTHERS though, maybe this will work (IE "well, maybe X is busy today, and doesn't want to answer the phone. Never mind. We will do something else")

[coldtits]

And Maureen1, for a first post, this is an excellent one.

[jasper]

Maureen, excellent point.

it is a fine line to make your kids feel completely loved and special within the family but not superior to everyone else in the world.

I know a right couple of brats whose parents have way overdone the worship

[chocolaterabbit]

Agree entirely with coldtits. DD is 2.5 atm so don't see any need to be sparing with praise/ thanks etc as it is more important for her to try things or continue practising. I am conscious though that nobody other than me and DH want to see the contents of the potty, let alone leap around with applause...

[pooexplosions]

Telling your children they are precious and special is not the same thing as worshipping them and setting them up for a life of dissatisfaction.
Should we tell young children they are not precious and special? My 5 year old has just showed me yet another drawing of the Incredibles and asked me what I thought, should I say "its terrible dear, that looks nothing like Dash, you'll never make it as a graphic designer you know", or should I say, "yes darling its lovely, well done"

Its my job as a parent to give them a place where they are always special and precious, and their efforts are appreciated and applauded. They'll soon learn that life can be a bitch and nobody else will love them unconditionally, which is when they will have me to fall back on. It doesn't mean they are little emperors either.

OP, I think you asked the wrong question.

[nighbynight]

coldtits has already said exactly what I was going to post!

[MollieO]

OP are you my mother?

I have lacked confidence throughout my life because my mother never made me feel special or precious. She always had a comment and it was generally sniping.

Ds is precious and special and will grow up feeling that. At 5 he has the easy confidence and sociability that I envy in others. Comfortable in his own skin and who he is. I love that and I will do everything I can to encourage it. It doesn't mean he will grow up being worshipped or thinking he is better than everyone else.

I don't think you worded your OP particularly well as I think I understand what you mean. There are parents who genuinely think their child is better than all others and I don't think that does either parent or child any good at all.

[MollieO]

but I think, not as. Shouldn't multitask.

[edam]

I think Maureen is on to something. Yes, of course us parents should tell our children we love them and they are very special to us but not give them an inflated sense of their own 'rights' or importance in the wider world. They have to learn to rub along with other people. And that other people have rights, too.

I know my own mother would and has dropped everything in an emergency, like when I was run over. Hope I'd do the same for her. (Although actually it is very difficult to make her let on when she needs help, let alone actually accept any.) But, short of extremes, she's expected me to run my own life since I left home. And quite right too.

[purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe]

I think children should be loved and cherished.

There should also be a sense of responsibility instilled - in many ways, to society as a whole, and to themselves so that they feel that they can achieve and fulfill their potential.

I kinda see what you're saying. I disagree with the whole notion of letting a child do whatever they want. That is "spoiling" a child in the true sense of the word.

[2rebecca]

I tell my kids that I love them frequently, and praise them if they do well and comiserate if not so well. I've never gone in for what I see as OTT "you are really special" waffle though. Yes they are special to me, but all kids should be special to their parents.
I don't want them to feel they have failed if they are average in their school work, although at the moment like many kids they are good at some subjects and poor at others.
I think if they know they are loved and are supported even if they fail at something, provided they have tried, then they will have an inner self confidence that is more important than being puffed up with an expectation of being somehow special and superior to other people.

[piscesmoon]

I would agree with you 2rebecca.
I knew that my parents would support me and love me whatever, and my DCs know the same. The love isn't conditional on anything, I accept them as they are and not as I would like them to be. I do not have their life mapped out and expectations of how they will achieve and what they will think. They have/will find things that they fail at but it is important to learn by your own mistakes and be willing to take risks.
I will celebrate the successes with them and commiserate with the failures and help them bounce back.
I don't think that it is helpful to make them feel they are the centre of the universe and that the world owes them a living. However they are precious and special to me-and the rest of the family.

[Laquitar]

I do tell them every day that i love them but i also tell them that every person counts and other people having feelings and needs too.
I'm also big fan of tasks, so it is 'i adore you. now put your own plate in the dishwasher'

We gave my niece 100 euro for singing the carols and SIL said that we traumatised her And she said it in front of niece! So i can see OP's point.

[MrsSaxon]

Having grown up in the seventies with parents who loved me, but told me I was "thick as two short planks" on a regular basis, I see no harm in letting my 4 year old DD know she is loved and appreciated.