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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have become irritated by friend's 8 year old yesterday?

104 replies

Sanctos · 31/12/2009 09:59

Went to friends for dinner yesterday with DS (4 months) and DH.

As soon as we got there her DD (8) said "why is he not wearing shoes?" so I said "because he doesn't need them, he doesn't walk yet" so she pulled a face and said "well, yeah ... but it's cold you know"

Anyway, I let it go and then 10 minutes later I heard her asking her mother "do we have any blankets for (DS)? they havn't even put a jumper on him". the house was a bloody sauna with the heating on full blast so I'd taken his jumper off!

Friend then came in laughing saying "have you heard her! she's a right mother hen" and I felt like saying "no, she's a cheeky little sod actually".

A bit later on, DS starts whinging. She promptly rolled her eyes, stood there with her hands on her hips and said "bottle? that's usually what babies cry for you know!" grrr I was getting really irritated by this point, as was DH. Especially as friend was just finding it all ammusing.

Anyway these comments kept up all day and I ended up leaving early in the end because she was just irritating the shit out of me. AIBU for getting wound up by a kid?

OP posts:
BrokenArm · 31/12/2009 21:13

If the child was annoying you so much you should have just told her mother that the comments were getting to be too much. Is this other mother a friend of yours or not?

You're as much to blame as anybody for expecting other people to read minds.

SantaWears2SnowShoes · 31/12/2009 21:17

yabu

Skegness · 31/12/2009 21:43

She sounds a bit annoying but 8 year olds often are, let's face it. It sounds like she was maybe attempting to win her mother's attention/admiration with her misguided comments. One of my sons is terrible for this- constantly saying stuff he thinks we want to hear but getting it slightly wrong in a hardcore no grey areas 10 year old way and getting into trouble instead of winning the indulgent parental smiles he craves. (He's lovely really though. [biased])

I hate the term "little madam".

Divatheshopaholic · 31/12/2009 21:49

mp said it all.
get used to it. girls at age 7-10 like that all the time.

tootiredtothink · 31/12/2009 21:56

yabvu.

MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2009 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reallytired · 31/12/2009 22:13

Who is the adult and who is the child? Yes, eight year olds are irritating. Your cute baby will embarass you when he is eight. Children at that age have limited social skills. They have ten more years of growing up before they become an adult.

Prehaps your friend was up to her eyeballs cooking and entertaining you. She may have been totally rushed off her feet. If you or your dh had offered to help her with getting a meal ready or washing up then she would have more time to discipline her child.

ChippingIn · 01/01/2010 09:46

Reallytired - why do you assume the OP or the OP's DH didn't help with the meal or the dishes? Also, can't see the relevance - can't you multi task with your kids?? I'm quite able to continue cooking & sort the kids out!

OP - Hmm not sure if YABU or not really for me it would depend entirely on my relationship with the child. On face value it does seem a bit rude - but maybe she was just trying hard to be an adult and maybe you were quite tired and aren't that fond of her - but on the other hand maybe she is a right little madam who needs telling!!

I think next time (if there is one!) you need to either 'see it from her point of view' and try to guide her nicely - or risk upsetting your friend and tell the little madam girl not to speak to you like that!

Yummiestmum333 · 01/01/2010 09:55

YANBU in my opinion.

I have a DD who is 10, and she doesn't/wouldn't speak to adults like that, and I wouldn't let her if she did.

My friend's 10 year old DD sounds like your friend's DD and is constantly cocky and rude. My friend never disciplines her or tells her off. I used to correct her if she was rude to me, now if she speaks rudely I don't acknowledge that she's even spoken, I completely ignore her.

purepurple · 01/01/2010 09:58

what a funny thread
sorry, OP, but YABU
a child of 8 is exactly that, a child
if a child is not allowed to speak in her own home then the world has gone mad
rudeness is subjective though and I'm sure we have all said those words 'I'll never allow my child to behave like that'
But we do. Again and again.

mistletoekisses · 01/01/2010 10:00

OP - YANBU

8 year olds - along with many other lovable qualities - can also be equally irritating and come across as extremely rude at times. IME - sometimes they absolutely mean to be rude in order to get a reaction. Other times, they are genuinely learning how to communicate and are unaware that their comments can appear rude.

But I do think it is the job of the parents in both examples to explain why the comments are not particularly nice/ required/ appropriate. How else are children going to learn manners and their boundaries in social situations. Otherwise you just end up with spoilt brats that everyone else thinks are rude and ill behaved whilst the parents think 'arent they adorable...'

CirrhosisByTheSea · 01/01/2010 10:13

purepurple, speaking personally, I don't allow my child to behave in ways that are rude, 'again and again'....
And no one is saying the child 'can't speak in her own home' - what she shouldn't be allowed to do, by her parents, is be rude to visitors in her own home.

purepurple · 01/01/2010 10:17

I am pleased for you, cirrhosisbythesea.

2rebecca · 01/01/2010 10:17

I would have said something, along the lines of the "that sounded very rude , do you mean to be?" standard.
My kids wouldn't get away with behaving like that to guests.
If someone is rude to me I'm generally forthright in my replies though. Sounds like the problem here is you didn't put her in her place/ tell her house was warm so jumper not needed and babies can overheat/ discuss looking after babies with her/ tell her rolling her eyes is rude etc but just kept quiet and fumed, which is rarely a good option.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 01/01/2010 10:24

how ridiculous, a grown woman responding in this fashion to a gobby child. she clearly wanted to get involved in his care in some way, would it have killed you to let her put some socks on him?
as for the eye rolling, that's down to the parents. plus she didn't say the blanket thing in your presence. PLUS SHE'S 8 and you're an adult, lol lol.

Chandon · 01/01/2010 10:30

well, it made me laugh, so where is your sense of humour?

Are you always this touchy????

YABU!

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 01/01/2010 10:53

rotfl AT op, The little girls sounds very precocious, and CUTE - get over yourself! Soon your LO will be irritating the hell out of your friends too - if you have any left

ImSoNotTelling · 01/01/2010 11:33

If this girl had been given a good telling off as many advocate, or the OP had said "you are being very rude" as so many others advocate, when (as I read it) she was trying to join in and getting it wrong, then all that would have happened would have been an 8 year old sobbing in her room for the entire evening.

8yo are sensitive little souls and I just don't think that would be the right way to handle things.

The OP never responded to my earlier post (and aitch said the same and a couple of others) - if the child was so keen on the baby did she let her play with it/explain about the heating/babies don't always cry for a bottle etc.

whifflegarden · 01/01/2010 11:37

This is still going....Did the OP ever come back
I don't think the issue is whether or not the child was rude; the issue is how the OP reacted. Still don't see how an adult can be made to strop off by an 8 yr old.
A friend of DD's is a spoilt brat, drives me crazy and I secretly call her a terrible name...when I see her I either a. don't acknowledge her if she's being brattish b. correct her if she's being brattish c. engage with her if she's being normal. Simples.

muminthemiddle · 01/01/2010 11:44

YABU-She is only showing an interest perhaps next time she would be better to blank you all.

ninedragons · 01/01/2010 12:31

Why would you feel the need to tell the internet, and potentially the child's mother, that you found this girl so irritating?

crazycat34 · 03/01/2010 03:55

Besides, the child may well be polite most of the time. Even those of you who think/know your DC are polite and well mannered might be surprised to find/already know that they are not always so and you might not always be aware/hear/pick up on it.

8yo is still v young and chn are still learning. My DS is v polite, but when he was 8yo I remember some really cringey moments when he said inappropriate things. When we spoke to him about it he said he was just trying to join in with the grown ups.

It only lasted a short time but 8yo are trying to make sense of their place in the world and don't always get it right

mathanxiety · 03/01/2010 05:44

YANBU to be annoyed, but you were annoyed at the wrong person. Her mother should not tolerate eye-rolling, use of know-it-all terms, or bossy talk to a guest no matter what the circumstances. This is not how an 8 yo should behave with an adult guest or even with someone her own age. But it's her parents' fault, not hers. Children do not bring themselves up to have manners. The mother could have told the 8 yo to ask if she could bring you a glass of water/ cuppa, if you were comfortable on the couch or wherever, if you needed an extra cushion... there are many ways the mother could have encouraged the girl to behave well but she didn't.

You could have tried distracting the child by asking her about school, her activities, making small talk, and keeping her mind off your performance as a mother, btw, but it's her own mother's job to monitor her child's behaviour and look after the comfort level (in every sense of the word) of the guests. Both mother and child seem to have proceeded without much regard for you and your DH -- not very good hosts.

chubbasmum · 03/01/2010 19:57

my sister has one of those she gets away with it with everyone else but me we see them once or twice a year, i just think its down right rude and your friend is bad to encourage it, my daughter is almost the same age and she does not behave like that

zazen · 08/01/2010 01:50

I think we are all missing the point that the OP has a new baby.

Do none of you remember how short on sleep we all were at that point? How irritable and paranoid?

How everything faintly resembling a crease in the carpet was a mountain of unimaginable proportions looming at us, aaccusingly?

Sure the 8yo sounded precocious and gauche, but that's her look out. She is 8 after all. Her mum might think about showing he how to phrase things so that they aren't off putting if she can, but in the meantime OP know that we all think you're a great mum, and I'm sorry that you felt you had to cut short your visit to your friend because of someone's comments.

congrats on your newborn BTW!