to NOT allow dd to go on holiday on her 4th birthday?

[Heated]

We've never been precious about the dcs spending time with the ILs or letting dcs go away with them on camping holidays from an early age.

However, MIL has rung dh this afternoon and told him FIL had tears in his eyes because I've said no to dd(aged 3) going on a camping holiday in May because it will be her 4th birthday during that week. I have said we'd happily let dd go any other week prior to next Sept (the ILS are retired and take a lot of holidays) but the dates they have given me (because they get a cheap deal at a certain site) are the week of her birthday and the 2nd week of Sept when she starts school!

They did exactly the same last year, when for months they talked to dd about going on holiday, got her really excited and then revealed the dates: the week of her 3rd birthday. I didn't have the heart to disappoint her and say no, so she went and had a nice time, but I was gutted I missed her 3rd birthday and said to dh it wasn't going to happen again - hence asking for the proposed dates in good time.

ILs have told dh we can celebrate her birthday at the weekend, she won't know any different, and because her birthday falls on a day I work she won't have to spend part of her birthday at "horrible nursery" (another issue in their minds) despite the fact she loves nursery and I will be home early to collect her.

So AIBU? Dh & IL think I am. Will take any views on the chin!

My children's birthdays have to be lovely for ME. They're there to make up for the horror of the actual birth-days. I'm the one who pushed/got cut open, so it's the one time a year I call all the shots, and that's that.

I knew they were gonna try to turn the dcs against you

Good for your DH for standing up to them!

I was interested in mummysgirl's point when she said:

"Do they want to be on their own with your dd on her special day???"

It does sound a bit like they want to hijack your DD and make her birthday "theirs" IYSWIM. And that is not on at all.

Hopefully if you are both now standing your ground on this it will work out peacefully, but at the first hint of "Oh what a pity Mummy made you miss out on a lovely holiday" I would be tempted to go ballistic and let them know that you are really, really angry and they have over-stepped the matk big time.

The ILs never tried to take ds' away on his birthday although his falls usually in the Easter hols.

It will be a case of ILs having their fixed dates in mind, want to be on holiday with other OAPS, have it all planned out in their heads, and if they get to celebrate dd's birthday and give her a fun day, then all the better, but it's not necessarily a nefarious scheme to get dd and her birthday to themselves. Being retired they can be flexible but don't have the mindset to be. And of course, their holiday plans, where they concern dd, don't take into account our feelings or wishes as parents.

Haven't shown the dcs the card which is intended to be divisive (you were so right, those of you who warned me about the next tactic). Will just give dcs the edited highlights re the thank-yous for presents.

Dh has had time to dwell on how manipulative the letter is, knows that his father has probably complained to the extended family in indignant tones, and now is archly amused by how positively saintly he's been.

No, FIL can never admit he is wrong. He will have given a partial view about us "changing our mind" about letting dd go away and how she'll be "stuck" in nursery, neglected on her birthday, poor little mite.

He does tend to carp on and hector ppl to agree with him. For a quiet life most of the family humour him and agree (and who knows, maybe do agree) or inwardly roll their eyes, it's just FIL again. Only dh, and one of dh's half sisters, regularly challenge him (and his outmoded perceptions) but both are also very funny about it, so he doesn't take offence.

He does have good points btw, but they're not coming across on here!