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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT allow dd to go on holiday on her 4th birthday?

107 replies

Heated · 28/12/2009 21:37

We've never been precious about the dcs spending time with the ILs or letting dcs go away with them on camping holidays from an early age.

However, MIL has rung dh this afternoon and told him FIL had tears in his eyes because I've said no to dd(aged 3) going on a camping holiday in May because it will be her 4th birthday during that week. I have said we'd happily let dd go any other week prior to next Sept (the ILS are retired and take a lot of holidays) but the dates they have given me (because they get a cheap deal at a certain site) are the week of her birthday and the 2nd week of Sept when she starts school!

They did exactly the same last year, when for months they talked to dd about going on holiday, got her really excited and then revealed the dates: the week of her 3rd birthday. I didn't have the heart to disappoint her and say no, so she went and had a nice time, but I was gutted I missed her 3rd birthday and said to dh it wasn't going to happen again - hence asking for the proposed dates in good time.

ILs have told dh we can celebrate her birthday at the weekend, she won't know any different, and because her birthday falls on a day I work she won't have to spend part of her birthday at "horrible nursery" (another issue in their minds) despite the fact she loves nursery and I will be home early to collect her.

So AIBU? Dh & IL think I am. Will take any views on the chin!

OP posts:
Nefertari · 29/12/2009 10:44

Heated, YANBU.

Agree with other posters that if you allow it again this year, it's likely to become a regular occurance, and then you'll not get to see any birthdays at all.

(But I query a cheap deal in May, aside from the normally horrendous Bank Hol week. Most places I've been don't have deals significantly cheaper than elsewhere, so maybe the PIL only think they have a cheap deal?)

BouncingTurtle · 29/12/2009 10:49

YANBU!!!

As a one off ,well fair enough - especially the way they hyped your dd up . But 2nd year running is taking the piss!

And that nursery comment would make me very

Tell your DH to grow a pair and tell them that they are being completely unreasonable!

mummygirl · 29/12/2009 10:57

YANBU

Be very careful though that they don't tell dd about the wonderful hopiday she'll miss out on because mum won't let her go

Our nurseries do special birthday treats and activities when it's someone's birthday and mine love it.

I'm very suspicious over their inability to change the dates. Do they want to be on their own with your dd on her special day???

diddl · 29/12/2009 10:58

OP, did your husband regularly spend his birthday with his grandparents?

CremeDeMenthe · 29/12/2009 10:59

YANBU, at all.
Just wondering though - is the campsite close enough that you could take the day off and travel there to spend the day with DD?

scaryteacher · 29/12/2009 11:01

YANBU - this is the last chance you will have to spend her birthday with her as after this it will fall on a school day, so no-one will be taking her anywhere on her birthday.

She is your daughter; you have the right to spend her birthday with her. Take the day off and arrange something for her.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/12/2009 11:19

YANBU they are all being mad.

This is proven by them suggesting they take her away from school when she has only just started for the first time ever.

That is the evidence, this jury of 1 has considered it carefully and judged hard. They are nuts nuts fruit loop crazy crazy.

Your answer is NO. They have 8 other months during which to find something nice to do with her. Yet the only weeks possible are the week of her birthday, and when she has started school. 8 other months! Crazy.

Your FIL is CRYING. Get a grip man stiff upper lip and all that. Honestly.

Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 11:20

To answer: Diddl, no dh wouldn't go on holiday without his parents when young - the ILs joke about it.

CremeDeMenthe, the campsite is 2.5-3hrs away from here so not really feasible to visit on the day, especially with ds1 in school.

Nefertari, the ILs do indeed have a special May Mon-Fri deal, they go most years.

However, spoke to dh last night and made most of the points you've made on here - that we're more than reasonable about ILs seeing/going away with the dcs; how many parents did he know that would happily miss 2 out of 4 birthdays? And whilst I was stoic about it last year it was only because we'd been put in that position.

Dh said matter of factly, "Well she isn't going then."

OP posts:
Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 11:20

And yes, I'm taking on board Mummygirl's point about "cruel mummy not letting you go on holiday" - FIL is not above stooping to this level but I'm not sure even he'd dare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 11:22

Good point ScaryTeacher, yes it will be the last birthday with her before she starts school.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/12/2009 11:23

No it´s not "cruel mummy" it´s stupid GPs not picking an appropriate week!

ImSoNotTelling · 29/12/2009 11:30

Well with you and DH standing together it isn't going to happen. Phew!

They need to look at other cheap deals as this one will ALWAYS be on her birthday and you will have this every single year...

poinsettydawg · 29/12/2009 11:34

yanbu. You want to spend time with your child on her birthday. Perfectly normal.

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2009 11:38

Yanbu

Nefertari · 29/12/2009 11:39

So, while there is a special deal in May, there are many other places at other times of year where the GPs can get a good deal.

My parents took the DCs on holiday in the summer for the first time on a Mon-Fri deal that was very cheap. TBH, it was the first time that DP and I had allowed them to take the kids, who are 9 and 6, away, although they've had sleepovers at the GPs house before. Given it was at least a 2 hr drive, we wanted to be sure the GPs were okay with the whole idea.

clam · 29/12/2009 11:42

How do you explain to your DS that his sister is going away with GPs for a nice holiday, while he has to go to school?
Surely that's a bit divisive? Another reason for saying no.
"Tears in his eyes!" Pah! The sheer manipulation of that statement would make me dig in my heels.

muminthemiddle · 29/12/2009 11:47

Another YANBU.

SleightiesChick · 29/12/2009 11:58

YANBU, not at all. Agree with all the other posts on this. The only thing I'd add is that, with hindsight, you could perhaps have made this clearer to them at the time. In your OP you said "I was gutted I missed her 3rd birthday and said to dh it wasn't going to happen again - hence asking for the proposed dates in good time." I could be wrong but that sounds to me like you didn't say the exact words 'She can't go in the week of her birthday - we agreed to that as a one-off but we don't want her doing it again' to them.

Now any sensible people would get the point of you asking for the dates but your FIL doesn't sound sensible; he sounds like someone who will weasel out of any agreement that is less than watertight if he wants to. So in future with anything like this I would make sure you state your terms very clearly and directly to them as well as your husband, so that they are never in a position to say, 'We didn't realise you would have a problem with it...' Because I would bet you will have battles like this again in the future, even if it isn't over holiday timing.

Angelcat666 · 29/12/2009 12:03

Is it only me who has a suspicious mind and thinks that the GPs have chosen the September week, as an alternative, knowing that your dd will just have started school and hoping that would make you choose the week of her birthday iyswim

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/12/2009 12:06

PILABU ....

GhoulsAreLoud · 29/12/2009 12:11

YANBU.

But I would never let my parents or ILs take my pre-schooler on holiday without me, let alone on her birthday so I know they wouldn't attempt to pull this kind of thing.

It sounds to me (as a total outsider and I could be wrong!) that the lines have got a bit blurred about who exactly is the parent in this situation. Perhaps you need to stop being so 'relaxed' about their involvement if you want to avoid this kind of thing in the future?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/12/2009 12:23

Are they trying to start a tradition or something? Do it for 2 years and then hoping your DD will expect it?

Tears in his eyes!? Oh lord how preposterous!

YANBU, but if I were you I would book the day off work.

Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 12:27

Clam, the IL's always took DS before until he got to school age and now they see it as DD's turn and DS is ok with this.

Yes, SleightiesChick, I didn't categorically say, "You're not taking dd away again on her birthday" or words to that effect - but I should have done. Suppose I didn't want to sound ungrateful after they spent the week entertaining her, and they are adoring grandparents, but you're right, with FIL I do need to be that blunt and no, it won't be the last time he stamps his foot to get his own way. He does so all the time with MIL but he is a dinosaur in his views.

OP posts:
fanjolina · 29/12/2009 12:35

You are so not being unreasonable!

Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 12:41

Can't get the day off work, PfftTheMagicDragon, as am a teacher, but am free the last lesson and form time and will arrange to leave early. DD takes in a cake to nursery, they make cards and she'll have a lovely morning.

And yes, I think they are offering two unreasonable dates to try and get us to concede one of them. They did something very similar over Christmas this year which I posted about earlier in the thread.

Last year they were put out because my father came to us over Christmas (my step-mother had died earlier that month and my Dad was in need of tlc). This year, because of building work we have no room to host the ILs or their dogs so arranged to see them before Christmas and my Dad after and have a quiet Christmas day to allow me to cope at home with morning all day sickness - but they weren't happy.

Have to take the dcs to the dentist now but thank you for the wise words.

OP posts: