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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT allow dd to go on holiday on her 4th birthday?

107 replies

Heated · 28/12/2009 21:37

We've never been precious about the dcs spending time with the ILs or letting dcs go away with them on camping holidays from an early age.

However, MIL has rung dh this afternoon and told him FIL had tears in his eyes because I've said no to dd(aged 3) going on a camping holiday in May because it will be her 4th birthday during that week. I have said we'd happily let dd go any other week prior to next Sept (the ILS are retired and take a lot of holidays) but the dates they have given me (because they get a cheap deal at a certain site) are the week of her birthday and the 2nd week of Sept when she starts school!

They did exactly the same last year, when for months they talked to dd about going on holiday, got her really excited and then revealed the dates: the week of her 3rd birthday. I didn't have the heart to disappoint her and say no, so she went and had a nice time, but I was gutted I missed her 3rd birthday and said to dh it wasn't going to happen again - hence asking for the proposed dates in good time.

ILs have told dh we can celebrate her birthday at the weekend, she won't know any different, and because her birthday falls on a day I work she won't have to spend part of her birthday at "horrible nursery" (another issue in their minds) despite the fact she loves nursery and I will be home early to collect her.

So AIBU? Dh & IL think I am. Will take any views on the chin!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/12/2009 12:50

Totally understand, they should be more flexible with their dates not expect you to do all the compromising, its her brithday and understandable that you want to spend it with her. The op said that her dd will be 4 in the summer so obviously starting school in september.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/12/2009 14:02

Urgh - it's all about the competing isn't it? It's just ridiculous!

They don't have a right to take her on holiday every year. Just say no.

diddl · 29/12/2009 16:03

My children always loved being the centre of attention at Kindergarten on their birthdays also.

And just to reiterate another point.

They never sent their children away with grandparents-why do they expect the OP to?

If it works for everyone,fine,if not then they should give it up imo.

pranma · 29/12/2009 17:54

I usually speak up for gp but this time they ABU.Dd's birthday is special for you as well as her-of course you want to be with her on the day.

TheBolter · 29/12/2009 17:57

YANBU, you've go to be there for her when she wakes up! Birthdays are special.

cloelia · 29/12/2009 18:01

Afraid I am another one who thinks you are being a little bit U. There will, I hope, be lots and lots of other birthdays. I would let her go this time and celebrate at the weekend but I would also write a letter to the GPs making it double clear that a) she is not going to miss her birthday or b) any time at school, again. The gps will get such a lot of fun out of it and you are working anyway. She will also see the fun in having two birthdays! sorry to disagree with the majority here, I guess it comes from missing various of our dds b days for various reasons.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/12/2009 20:52

Yes, there will be lots of other birthdays, but if this is the argument every year, then at what point do you say "no, not this year?"

They had last year, so they get this year, do they get next as well, 3 years in a row...?

Original poster
Heated · 29/12/2009 21:20

Thanks for all the views, including the opposing ones, since it gives me the IL's perspective.

Tbf to the ILs, there isn't going to be an issue next year since dd will be at school when it's her birthday. ILs had already suggested ds have some time out of his Reception year to go on holiday with them, ever since they heard pupils can have up to 10 days off school, but were met with short shrift (dh & I being teachers!)

If they would like to take dd away on holiday that is very generous of them, but it will have to be on one of their other holidays that doesn't coincide with dd's birthday.

Dh doesn't think they are being manipulative, just obtuse.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 29/12/2009 21:27

YANBU

babybouncer · 29/12/2009 21:43

Surely DD would enjoy any week that she spent on holiday with them and therefore you are not putting your happiness above hers. It seems very mean of them to ignore your feelings in this way.

Bertiebrighteyes · 30/12/2009 16:26

YANBU - my mother wanted to take all grandchildren away for a week in the summer (not birthdays for any of em), and my brother has told her "no" as they are too young - they are 11 and 8!!!! Not as if the kids are getting a holiday with their parents either as they run a taxi business (now thats being unreasonable)!!

MmeLindt · 30/12/2009 16:42

YANBU

As to her being at nursery on her birthday, I don't know about your nursery but when my DC were in Kindergarten that was the highlight of their birthday, the fuss that got made in Kindergarten.

They made cake, I provided a birthday breakfast and they made a crown for the birthday boy/girl. Twas all great fun. DS was always sad that his birthday was in the holidays and so he was allowed to celebrate afterwards.

Original poster
Heated · 04/01/2010 14:53

Update for anyone interested: dh told his parents that they could take dd away any time on holiday prior to starting school next September, except the week of her birthday as we didn't want to miss 2 out of 4 of her birthdays; and if they still wanted to take her away and if it cost any more he'd meet the difference.

MIL started to argue that dd would spend entire birthday at nursery (she won't) but dh said he wasn't going to debate it as we'd made a decision, but any other week would be absolutely fine - hooray for dh!

Today, the dcs got a Xmas thank you card from FIL's sister/bil (who'd would also be going on holiday with the ILs) which says: "Heated's dd was saying she's big enough to go on the visitor boat and she loves the children's train so if you are a very good girl your mummy and daddy might let you come. I hope so, it will be the last one with us all; like you Heated's ds1, she will be starting school and I'm missing all those hugs from you both"

Subtlety never their strong suit, do you think the campaign is not over?

OP posts:
mumof2point5 · 04/01/2010 14:58

been lurking!
good for your DH.
but me thinks there will be more.......

diddl · 04/01/2010 15:10

Yes, sounds as if it isn´t over yet!

Mine have never been away with GPs, and tbh I doubt I would ever have let them.

And if it had cropped up& I said no, I would have expected that to be an end of it!

screamingskull · 04/01/2010 15:32

Certainly doesn't seem like the end of the saga for you sorry.

Like yourself, have never had problems with my son going on holiday with GPs, but do think in this case of the birthday it would be a definate NO!

Go Heated's Husband

Sassybeast · 04/01/2010 15:51

YANBU -next thing you'll be telling us that she calls your DD 'my' baby ?

Stick to your guns!

birdofthenorth · 04/01/2010 16:12

YANBU. You gave birth, you get to watch the candles being blown out!!!

Megatron · 04/01/2010 16:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! They seem to think they have a 'right' to have her when they wish rather than when it suits the rest of you. Do what YOU think is right for your daughter and don't let yourself be bullied into anything. I'd hate to be away from my DC's on their birthdays and I reckon they'd rather be with their mum anyway.

EightiesChick · 04/01/2010 16:41

I knew they wouldn't let it go. Sadly you are in for more of this arsing about. That letter is really manipulative.

Good work from your DH though!

I take it they haven't actually booked this yet, then? Neext time it comes up, I would just keep reminding them that your DH has offered to pay the difference so if they want your DD there soooo much, what's the problem with changing the week?

mumoverseas · 04/01/2010 17:30

YANBU. They are controlling loons.

compo · 04/01/2010 17:31

yeh! well done your dh

LauraIngallsWilder · 04/01/2010 17:36

YANBU
They sound rather toxic to me!

claraquack · 04/01/2010 17:44

I read the start of this and the end so sorry if this was said in the middle but can't you go away on the holiday as well?

FWIW no of course you are not being unreasonable. Dd1 was 4 in Sept and the fourth birthday was a much, much bigger deal to her than her third. She really "got" it this year and I wouldn't have wanted to miss it.

Original poster
Heated · 04/01/2010 18:09

Claraquack, neither dh or I, or ds for that matter, can go the week of dd's birthday as it's in term time (cheaper and quieter for OAPs though).

Dh is home, seen the card and said, "What a coincidence!" He said it could easily develop into a family row (I think he means from their end or if he was minded to) but said "she's our dd" which I think means all discussion is over.

OP posts:
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