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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT allow dd to go on holiday on her 4th birthday?

107 replies

Heated · 28/12/2009 21:37

We've never been precious about the dcs spending time with the ILs or letting dcs go away with them on camping holidays from an early age.

However, MIL has rung dh this afternoon and told him FIL had tears in his eyes because I've said no to dd(aged 3) going on a camping holiday in May because it will be her 4th birthday during that week. I have said we'd happily let dd go any other week prior to next Sept (the ILS are retired and take a lot of holidays) but the dates they have given me (because they get a cheap deal at a certain site) are the week of her birthday and the 2nd week of Sept when she starts school!

They did exactly the same last year, when for months they talked to dd about going on holiday, got her really excited and then revealed the dates: the week of her 3rd birthday. I didn't have the heart to disappoint her and say no, so she went and had a nice time, but I was gutted I missed her 3rd birthday and said to dh it wasn't going to happen again - hence asking for the proposed dates in good time.

ILs have told dh we can celebrate her birthday at the weekend, she won't know any different, and because her birthday falls on a day I work she won't have to spend part of her birthday at "horrible nursery" (another issue in their minds) despite the fact she loves nursery and I will be home early to collect her.

So AIBU? Dh & IL think I am. Will take any views on the chin!

OP posts:
snowedinwithJjandtheBean · 28/12/2009 22:07

You let them have her on her birthday!!!!!

you must be such a nice person,
id have said piss off and NO!

PrivetDancer · 28/12/2009 22:08

yanbu - if it was a one off special holiday then ok, but as you've already let them do it once before, then you totally have to revoke the precedent!

Ponders · 28/12/2009 22:09

But what can the difference be?

No way will they get a special price in the 2 bank holiday weeks when everybody wants to go, & the other May weeks will be cheap anyway - I think they are stringing you a line, frankly

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/12/2009 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

busymummy3 · 28/12/2009 22:16

YANBU I think you have been very reasonable in the past allowing them to take her in the week of her third birthday.I dont think its fair that they think she will be none the wiser if you celebrate her birthday early mine certainly would have been even at 4 years old. Anyway once she starts school problem will be solved as she will only be able to go during school holidays no cheap deals then ! unless you have a school where head allows termtime holidays - unfortunately ours doesnt

Original poster
Heated · 28/12/2009 22:17

Thanks a lot for the consensus and letting me know I'm not being selfish, and for making me laugh I just needed to know iaNbu.

Am very cross with dh for not getting it. Usually I'm very good at standing my ground with my own family and now am about to stand up to emotional blackmail of FIL. Dh did roll his eyes and say it was sob-story stuff but he just doesn't get misty eyed about missing dd's birthday. FIL can be a bit of a bully and really isn't used to women standing up to him.

On reflection, ILs were making a bit of a fuss about Christmas this year too. We took them and dcs to a pantomime (they live 2hrs away), battling through the snow. They then also wanted us to go to a family carol singing thing, a Boxing Day meal with dh's sister and "it would be no trouble to pop down" and watch the dcs open their Christmas presents (we are living with building work and have very little room). So we compromised and went up for the carol singing after driving to drop off presents to my side of the family, children got cold and wet as it snowed and we got home at about 11pm. Am also in early stages of pg with no 3 and am suffering from morning/evening sickness(although they don't know this).

Thanks for the advice on this one.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 28/12/2009 22:18

actually, if it were me i would let her go.

if it were my ds1 i know he'd far prefer to have his birthday with his grandma and grandpa than at nursery, even if i was getting him early.

and we'd have a party at the weekend instead for him

IsItMeOrSanta · 28/12/2009 22:18

Think you might be onto something about being too easy-going in the past. DH and I went on holiday with MIL and SIL years ago, then felt sorry for MIL another time and invited her to come on part of our holiday with us. She now fairly regularly suggests that we go away on holiday together, even though in our minds these were both one-offs.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 28/12/2009 22:23

YANBU

Original poster
Heated · 28/12/2009 22:33

Oh no thisisyesterday, don't shake my certainty! This is precisely dh's v-p, so maybe I shouldn't be so irked with him. But he'll have to just go with me on this.

But the advice on here has firmed my resolve, so thank you all again.

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 28/12/2009 22:36

YANBU but I wouldn't mind at all - (I have DS with 4th birthday in May and I would be so happy if my PIL suggested such a nice thing, I know they never would) much nicer to spend birthday on holiday that with you at work and her at nursery.

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2009 22:36

lol well i am the only voice of dissent!

and you, of course, know the ins and outs of the situation better than me, i am only going on my own set-up
i just know that ds1 would far prefer to go on holiday with the GP's and have his birthday party with me on a different day, so that's what i would do- what i thought would make him happiest, cos that's what matters isn't it?

don't let their previous behaviour, or how they talk to you and dh affect the decision. you have to do the right thing for your daughter, even if they are twits!

i agree they sound controlling, and not the most pleasant people in the world though

Ponders · 28/12/2009 22:45

Agreed op's DD might well have more fun on her birthday away with her GPs than at nursery, but that isn't the point, is it?

There are plenty of other dates they could take her away, but they are choosing this one & manipulating all concerned

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 22:46

I generally stand up for grandparents-but not in this case. Just be hard hearted and tell them no. YANBU.

thisisyesterday · 28/12/2009 22:47

yes, and i agree that they are out of order to be so controlling and manipulative,.

but don't let her miss out, just because of that. not fair on her

InMyLittleHead · 28/12/2009 22:48

YANBU. Why can't they do it another time? It's not like you've said they can't see her on her birthday, just that they can't take her away so that you miss her birthday. You are her mother (and DH is her father) and she is very small. You get dibs.

duckyfuzz · 28/12/2009 22:48

I'd do it as a one off, but as this is the second year I'd nip it in the bud now

Hulababy · 28/12/2009 22:50

YANBU

sb6699 · 28/12/2009 23:07

As others have already pointed out, you let it slide last year. They knew you werent happy but want you to miss DD's birthday again this year. If they hadnt done it before I would have said YABU let dd have her birthday another day, she will get so much from a holiday with her gp's but this isnt the case.

You need to nip it in the bud now or they'll do it again next year and the year after....

sb6699 · 28/12/2009 23:07

Oh, and Congratulations

shinyrobot · 28/12/2009 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 10:17

YANBU - I can't believe that your DH is making you feel like you are!

It's nice of them to take her away etc (yadda yadda yadda), however, as you said yourself - there are plenty of other weeks they could take her.

You have been an amazing DIL - tell them you'll swap places with my evil SIL if they don't behave!!

WhatNoLunchBreak · 29/12/2009 10:39

YA definitely, definitely NBU

Bloody hell! Harrumph!

MumsieNonna · 29/12/2009 10:42

Say no, otherwise they will do this every year and you will not see DD on her birthday. There are plenty of other weeks during the summer they can choose. Be firm.

diddl · 29/12/2009 10:42

YANBU.

And she doesn´t have to "miss out".

They could choose any other week!

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