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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let dd1 go in a smokers car

103 replies

happilyeverafter · 28/12/2009 15:38

FIL annual party and he's offered to collect us (under ten mins driving) I've said I will drive and they not happy I won't accept lift

FIL heavy smoker and car permanently reeks. He has hoovered it out but he has done this before and it didn't wipe out smell and carseat smelt afterwards (he didn't smoke when she was in)

I don't mind driving but DH hinted he think I am being mean not letting her go in their car.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 28/12/2009 23:00

Well, I live in London and I have never had green snot or smelly clothes.
What are you all on about?

LadyBiscuit · 28/12/2009 23:05

I think you're being a bit hysterical and I'm a bit dubious that a child is going to die from SIDS from sitting in a car that smells of smoke after 10 mins but we'll let that pass. TBH though OP, i find it slightly hard to believe your DH has no recollection that he moaned for weeks about the car seat smelling last time the seat was in the car. Unless someone is chainsmoking constantly with the windows shut for about an hour before they put the car seat in, that seems a wee bit unlikely. And next time, make him clean it.

Is the issue that you don't really want to drink?

tackyChristmastreedelivery · 28/12/2009 23:15

Ladybiscuit No one has even began to try and claim a child will suffer SIDS from sitting in the car of a smoker. A poster asked me evidence that nicotine sticks to clothes to back up something I was told at a conference and in a brief google most of the evidence looking at the action of second hand smoke is evidence gathered by researchers into SIDS. As I said in a post, the research into SIDS helps to understand the actions and impact of smoke.

LadyBiscuit · 28/12/2009 23:18

Why bring it up though? It's about as relevant on this thread as talking about Foetal Alcohol Syndrome on a thread asking if it's okay to have a glass or two of wine when you're pregnant.

InMyLittleHead · 28/12/2009 23:23

YANBU.

Tbh what would annoy me more is the 'You MUST have a drink' thing. If you are happy to drive her yourself, and the journey itself is not a big deal (hardly a 'special treat') and your DH complained last time about the car seat stinking then it seems obvious for you to drive.

tackyChristmastreedelivery · 28/12/2009 23:29

LadyBiscuit - like I said. Someone asked for evidence that nicotine clings to fabric. All the research I could find quickly and easily offering evidence was by researchers in SIDS. It shouldn't be too hard to use the conclusions about how smoking affects it's immediate environment without creating a SIDS debate.

[I couldn't find any that looked at nicotine in isolation SerendipitousHarlot, I don't know if further rooting about would find it. I haven't got the access these days to look properly]

onagar · 28/12/2009 23:31

Carbon monoxide is a gas. If you open the doors it goes away. It doesn't hide under the cushions and attack later. Though as others have said if you open the car doors in city traffic you will be letting more poisons in than you are letting out.

As for "he wants her to drink" Paolosgirl you seem to have misunderstood that bit. Since they made drink/driving illegal people are always trying to work out a system where one person drives (and goes without a drink) so that the other has the option to drink. Those who want to drink are normally grateful for the generous offer. If they don't want to drink they are still grateful for the generous offer.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/12/2009 23:57

onagar - 'will almost certainly be full of carbon monoxide, unless he airs it well'

yes, if you open the doors it will eventually go away but not just from someone getting in and out.

FrameyMcFrame · 29/12/2009 00:45

YABU

nappyaddict · 29/12/2009 00:56

www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2008/06/16/2276063.htm

BitOfFun · 29/12/2009 00:59

YABU. It's a bit smelly, but unless you are checking your hosts didn't eat sprouts recently too, you are just being precious.

LadyBiscuit · 29/12/2009 09:46

yawn nappyaddict - here's another article from the same source but it's saying how much more dangerous diesel is than cigarette smoke but none of you rabid anti-smokers ever talk about that

ChippingIn · 29/12/2009 09:54

YANBU - it stinks, it will make her stink, it's not good for her - you are happy to drive - easy solution Remind your DH of the fuss he made last time....

Paolosgirl · 29/12/2009 10:39

Onagar - I haven't misunderstood anything. The OP has explained that her in laws are heavy drinkers and can't understand why people wouldn't want to drink at a party

"DH is making me feel bad as FIL enthusiastic about us both having drink, family of big drinkers, can't understand folk going to party and driving"

As I posted before, the FIL wants the OP (who has already said that she is more than happy to take her car) and her child to sit in his stinking car so that she can have an alcoholic drink at the party because he can't understand the concept of going to a party and not drinking alcohol. The FIL is BU, not her!

ScreaminEagle · 29/12/2009 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BarbieLovesKen · 29/12/2009 11:14

Oh YABVVVVU to be honest.

My God, I would love if someone offered to collect me for a party so I didnt have to drive for once and be thoughtful enough to vaccum out the car first - bless.

I thought I was fussy with dd. This takes the biscuit.

Agree - am sorry but you must be the DIL from hell.

I presumed when I read thread title that the driver would smoke in the car when your dd was in it, which of course would be unacceptable.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 29/12/2009 11:22

I don't understand why so many of you are saying YABU! Genuinely shocking, surely if you don't want your child to stink of smoke and potentially be exposed to secondhand smoke that is your choice as a parent and that is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. The FIL just wants the OP to drink which she clearly isn't bothered about so why is he reasonable to expect to exert so much control over the OP that he gets to decide how her and her dughter travel and what she does when she gets to the party. It's the FIL's choice to smoke, which is fine, but also the OP's choice whether she wants her daughter exposed to any of the effects of said smoke which is also fine. Surely it is not a moral requirement to accept every lift you are offered?! I just can't see how the OP is being unreasonable but the FIL, who is 'not happy [they] won't accept [the] lift' is being perfectly reasonable. Normally you offer someone a lift to be kind or make things easier, what is tha actual point in making someone have a lift that they don't want?! You are all mad!

seeker · 29/12/2009 11:26

"your children, your rules."

When I'm World Dictator this saying is going to be banned!!!

nappyaddict · 29/12/2009 11:35

There's no need to be rude LadyBiscuit. Someone asked for a link to clarify what I had said so I found one. And as it happens I'm not keen on car fumes either. I'm all for walking where ever possible, using public transport and car sharing.

UndomesticHousewife · 29/12/2009 11:45

Thhis will be hard to get out of without causing offence. Your FIL is a big drinker but is offering to not drink and drive you so you can enjoy yourself, rather than have a drink himself.
This is probably a big deal for him, so if you want to get out of it do it tactfully and don't mention cigarette smoke!!

Whether you want your dd to go in the car is your decision, fwiw I don't think it will harm your dd but it's your personal choice if you're comfortable with doing it.

Just don't mention smoke!!!!!!

curiositykilledhaskittens · 29/12/2009 11:54

seeker - that's not what I said. What I meant was that the FIL's only reason for being offended at the OP's refusal of a lift that was offered is that he wants her to drink at the party. The OP doesn't want her child and car seat to stink of smoke and so refused. It's absolutely fine to refuse a lift for whatever reason you want, it is not fine to dictate how someone else lives their life i.e. they have to travel in your smoky car and drink at a party where they are still responsible for their children.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 29/12/2009 11:57

"Why bring it up though? It's about as relevant on this thread as talking about Foetal Alcohol Syndrome on a thread asking if it's okay to have a glass or two of wine when you're pregnant."

What a strange comment! You are aware that one or two glasses of wine can cause FAS. Some people can drink bottles of spirits every night and their babies are fine but for some only a couple of glasses of wine will do it, you just don't know until the baby is born which is why the Government changed the recommendation to no alcohol in pregnancy.

Booyule · 29/12/2009 11:59

OP do what you feel is best for your child.

i personally wouldnt make a decision like this based on what the opinions of other people are because the smoking debate will always have supporters for both sides and really offers you nothing more than the two viewpoints you are already considering.

nappyaddict · 29/12/2009 12:04

I did actually once read a very interesting article about drinking in pregnancy. I'll see if I can find it ....

... I think this was it but not 100% sure www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/FetalAlcoholSyndrome.html

seeker · 29/12/2009 12:13

I kow that's not what you said, curiositykilled - someone else did, and it always makes me cross!

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