To feel completely unmotivated about going back to my 'big City job'

[Confusedfirsttimemum]

I am due back at work in the Spring. I work in a 'big City job' and have negotiated going back four days a week.

I have just done the really detailed maths on the cost of a nanny (and it will have to be a nanny. No way could I make it home for 6pm for a nursery. I need that extra hour to 7pm, and even that will require massive focus on my part/my DH's on his days). I've excluded childcare vouchers since I'm a higher rate taxpayer and they seem certain to be going for us in 12 months.

Unless I can find a nanny share or similar, it's going to cost me 3/4 of my salary to pay the nanny. I'll be working three days of my stressful, challenging job just to pay the nanny. One day a week will actually stay in our pocket.

Now I realise it's a bit sexist to calculate it this way and not spread the cost between mine and DH's salaries, but realistically he's not going to give up work, whereas me doing so is an option. I also realise that many people don't even have the option of deciding whether to go back to work and take home far less than 1/4 of their pay. I'm not trying to make out that my life is harder than anyone else's. I am grateful for what I have.

Also, don't get me wrong, one day's pay will still make a big difference to our household income. But it seems such a small amount for such a lot of work. I also can't help thinking that once you add in travel, plus all those takeaways and taxis because I'm running late/knackered it will end up a lot less.

So, AIBU that this makes me question whether work is worth it, or whether we should just tighten our belts and live on beans for a few years?

It's not "sexist" to calculate the cost of a nanny the way you do in your OP: it's called ABC (Activity Based Costing), and is a perfectly legitimate way of viewing your income flows and expenses.

One day's pay... that's not a lot of money for four days away from your precious baby.

Yes, do a full cost calculation (travel, lunches, clothes etc) for both the back-to-work scenario and the stay-at-home scenario, and compare them.

3 days' pay in a 'Big City job' to pay for a 4 day a week nanny doesn't seem quite right to me - you would surely be better off getting a less high-powered job with regular hours and paying nursery/childminder fees, at least financially??? I am surprised you end up with so little net gain to be honest - I used to work (as a lawyer) in the City and no way would 4 days' (or even 5 days') nanny costs have eaten up 3 days' salary...

god just write a long reply and lost it!!!

comments are

have you properly looked at nanny share? this could be your best option maybe
have you looked at local childminders they are more flexible with hours
have you considered that one day you might WANT TO go back to work, and that taking years breaks (sad but true) harms womens career prospects?

Good luck either way, but there must be options over and above the very expensive Nanny one surely?

I had a pretty good city type job before DD1 and I jacked it in for something family friendly which is more local. of course it's much less money. But money has never been my main driver IYSWIM I just like working.

In my case I did it as i wanted to do 3 days, they wanted 4, it was a long commute, I decided that that high powered mummy style life wasn't really for me.

Admittedly I now have fantasies about getting a better career job again but TBH I wasn't loving my old job anyway.

Aside from the money, do you love your work, will you be able to commit 100% to your day when it realistically means you wn't see much of your child that day etc. What will make you happy? Money isn't everything. For me anyway. If a high paying career is what makes you tick, then you need to pursue that.

Have a good think, makes pro and con lists, flip a coin and see what you thin of the result etc.

Well, we're not talking 'big' as in six figures... Low 60s for a four day week. Don't want to out myself, but we're talking lawyer/accountant/consultant, not banker.

It has been based on a £10 hour net charge for a nanny and needing 42 hours per week (8:30 to 7pm) and based on the net salary calculator on nanny tax and i-resign...

There are some other factors that I would consider.

• Are you planning to have another child and if so when as this will affect your need for childcare. What is the maternity pay you get - if it is very good it might be worth going back even for a year if you're looking to have more IYSWIM.

• How much in the way of additional benefits do you get outside your take home pay e.g. pension contributions, professional training and what are these worth to you.

• Can you see yourself wanting to stay home long term and if not, how easy would it be to get back into your career (often not that easy in the city).

• Also, think about ways of getting the childcare costs down. So could you nanny share with someone, or could a nursery and au pair work?

Going back to work may not be "worth it" in the short term but will it help keep your career options open for the future? Would you be happy as a full-time mum or would you prefer to work? You have to consider the whole picture, not just short-term finances, as important as those might be.

oops x-post - everyone has already said what I was thinking!

Poor you its a tough dilemma. At what stage are you at in your career? Will you be progressing quickly and earning a lot more in the next few years? If so it probably is worth working for nothing or there abouts because you are looking at it over a 10 year view.

The problem is if you don't go back you will find it very difficult to go back to a job at the same level after an extended break so this would be short term pain for long term gain. That said I would only contemplate for a job I loved with long term prospects that was stimulating. You talk about stress and pressure rather than challenge which makes me think you don't enjoy it that much.

What sort of job does your husband do? Is there any flexibility in his hours? It will be very difficult if all the burden off taking time off, leaving early for emergencies rests with you.
Also I have only gone back because I can then afford to buy in some extra help (cleaning etc) that means when I am home I am not sorting domestic stuff but am fully dedicated to the dds.

Do you think in 5 years time you would regret not going back? I know some of my friends do now and they feel slightly trapped because they can't go back into their old careers and are slightly stuck with low paid part time work.

Lastly, in your situation I would definitely get a nanny share which will work out a lot cheaper.

Actually your OP says it all. "feel completely unmotivated". Have you had a look for other options? there are other jobs/companies out there you know!

have a look here

Don't think you need to rule out childcare vouchers by the way... I thought that higher rate tax payers still get them but at less tax relief - only basic rate tax relief, not higher rate... Or have I mis-understood it and totally buggered up the family finances...

Sorry you have said challenging in your op

Thanks everyone.

We are planning more children. With my maternity pay I need to go back for a year to keep the money. Obviously keeping the money from this time goes into the first year's earnings, but I'm trying to think long term.

I'm not that ambitious and, no, I couldn't go back to the same level of job if I left. It would be a total lifestyle change. Probably go for something more low key after having DC2 quite quickly.

I do get pension contributions and professional training. I guess the problem is that I've never wanted to make partner, so I don't have the 'it'll be worth it in 5 years' mentality that some of the women do. If I went back, it would be more to do with keeping my skills current so that a downshift in a few years would be easier (wouldn't be practical now for various career reasons, and because between children would be a bad time to move in this economic climate).

Sadly our house is 2 bed. Au pair type options not an option!

Can you use a nursery and try to find someone who can do the pick-up and bring home bit between 6 and 7?

Can you use a nursery and try to find someone who can do the pick-up and bring home bit between 6 and 7?

Hmmm ok well if there is no long term career to consider I would get pregnant as quickly as possible (maybe go back pregnant!), cheeky though it is.

If you are a lawyer perhaps you could find a less City orientated firm depending on what type of law you work in. There are some mumsnetters than run some smaller local law firms.

Law seems to me one the worse professions still in terms of work life balance.

BTW, childcare vouchers are still available at the moment and will not disappear overnight - they're going to be "phased out", so those already claiming will be able to get them for quite a while yet I think.

Also bear in mind that BOTH parents can claim the full amount so if you are both higher rate taxpayers this will make quite a difference financially.

Well I left my City lawyer job earlier this year with the intention of returning to our home town in the north, working at a regional firm for much MUCH less money but the ability to leave by or before 6pm most days as we planned a family (and have been very lucky as we are expecting in June). If I were you and I could afford (even living on beans) to jack it in totally when we have Baby then I totally would, but as others have said it does really burn your bridges esp if your specialism is something very commercial that wouldn't be easy to go back to if you were out of it for very long.
If you love your job, then that's different of course...

Have you looked at the Government Legal Service? Lots of fab options in terms of work, very flexible working hours etc - less money, but less stress and no partnership track. That's what I would have pursued had we stayed in London. The MC firm I used to work at has recently culled its flexible working policies and offers a minimum of 4 days a week no fixed hours, so I got out at the right time! There are other options out there.

On the nanny, I guess part of my issue is that I feel that,if DD is away from us for fairly long days, she deserves the continuity of 'a' person - a childminder or a nanny- for that whole time. That's very much a personal thing, and possibly a luxury I can't afford. .

There is my long term career to think of. Just not necessarily in my current job. Ok, I'll out myself a bit. Susie is spot on, I'm a lawyer. If I stick out this next couple of years, I would have greater options to move out of London/in house/into related fields once I've had all my children. I don't feel that, in this economy, that's very realistic at the moment. I also don't feel that a career shift would be best served by perhaps only being in the job a year of 18 months and then going on a second maternity leave (if all goes to plan).

Perhaps what it comes down to is it's not the money. It's 'am I motivated to work now for the long term options'.

God. Being a mother is so damn complicated. If you follow any of the sleep threads, you'll also know I'm v sleep deprived, which isn't helping!

Sorry, that first paragraph was responding to the suggestions about someone to do nursery pick up, etc.

agree with porcamiseria
Or is there any option to go back when DCs are at school?

What about finding a nursery and negotiating with one of the nurses to 'babysit' the last hour? Lots of nursery nurses do babysitting so may be up for an extra hour's pay at the end of the day (if that's feasible) Or do you know any other parents of babies at nursery? You could negotiate pick up shares/you help them out on your days off for a couple of hours.

I think it's probably worth going back, to keep the mat pay you have already received and to keep your job open. Otherwise is there any way you could do what you do freelance?

I don't quite see how your figures add up tho - £10ph for a nanny is roughly £100 a day, I take home about £70-80 a day and I'm on half your salary! How do you only take home £100ish a day?

If it makes any difference, I can tell you that virtually all the women in my old team in the City had their children 2 years apart - i.e. off for a year's mat leave, back for a year then off again. This was the case for every woman in my team that had more than one child, with the exception of one who left an additional 6 months' gap. We're talking 6 women out of a team of about 30 people in total. Several others had first babies whilst I was there too. A second maternity leave after 12/18 months is par for the course I think - your employers will probably be expecting it. In the grand scheme of things, waiting a bit longer is not going to make a huge difference to the firm, so make your own family decisions without reference to the firm's views.

Keeping options open is a good thing overall, but might be worth exploring what is available now, just in case there's something perfect for you already out there. Worth keeping your ear to the ground for in-house etc if that's of interest to you. Things will hopefully improve in the legal market in the next 12 months or so.