To feel completely unmotivated about going back to my 'big City job'

[Confusedfirsttimemum]

I am due back at work in the Spring. I work in a 'big City job' and have negotiated going back four days a week.

I have just done the really detailed maths on the cost of a nanny (and it will have to be a nanny. No way could I make it home for 6pm for a nursery. I need that extra hour to 7pm, and even that will require massive focus on my part/my DH's on his days). I've excluded childcare vouchers since I'm a higher rate taxpayer and they seem certain to be going for us in 12 months.

Unless I can find a nanny share or similar, it's going to cost me 3/4 of my salary to pay the nanny. I'll be working three days of my stressful, challenging job just to pay the nanny. One day a week will actually stay in our pocket.

Now I realise it's a bit sexist to calculate it this way and not spread the cost between mine and DH's salaries, but realistically he's not going to give up work, whereas me doing so is an option. I also realise that many people don't even have the option of deciding whether to go back to work and take home far less than 1/4 of their pay. I'm not trying to make out that my life is harder than anyone else's. I am grateful for what I have.

Also, don't get me wrong, one day's pay will still make a big difference to our household income. But it seems such a small amount for such a lot of work. I also can't help thinking that once you add in travel, plus all those takeaways and taxis because I'm running late/knackered it will end up a lot less.

So, AIBU that this makes me question whether work is worth it, or whether we should just tighten our belts and live on beans for a few years?

I think the critical decision is what do you want to do rather than the maths. But just some quick input there.

1. I think you should speak to some nanny agencies about nanny salaries as your calculations are a bit high. For a full-time nanny doing a 55 hour week a salary of £480-500 is quite acceptable, so I think your calculation of net £10 is just a tad high.

2. You have to suit your childcare to what you can afford. And just like they say your housing costs should be no more than 1/3 of your income, there must also be a similar no for childcare. You are costing this on the basis of the most expensive, gold-plated option - a sole charge, live out nanny. You CAN'T afford that. It's like wanting to buy a Rolls Royce when actually what you can afford is a Ford. I have a big business job but 14 years ago when I started employing nannies I earned probably one-third of what I now earn, and I had a youngish, live-in nanny as it is so much cheaper. We only had three beds in a smallish house but it worked fine. Now I earn more and have a highly experienced live-out nanny as that is what I can afford now. You need to assess a cheaper option and then decide do you actually want to do this or do you want to be a SAHM.

Best of luck with your choice .

I should have made it clear that was a nett salary figure in my previous post.

agree with yangymac's first post. it seems like you want us to tell you that its o.k. not to go back.
and of course it is.
my take home pay after nursery is not great, and although not qualified, I do earn reasonable salary. I thought thta this was just the norm to be honest, working for little in the first few years, till you get help at aged 3. and that seems like such a long time, but ds2 was 1 when I went back, so its only 2 yrs, which in the grand scheme of things is not long.

But the main thing here, is that you are getting little £ here for all your hard work. But that YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO. I did. I couldn't wait to get back to my job. Not the job itself, the corp tax, budgeting, year end internal audit files, is hardly exciting.
I couldn't wait to get back to the wit, the laughter. going to lunch. sitting and having coffee and cakes with mu colleagues. but then I only work 2.5 days and love the balance.
Is is the 4 days away, seeing so little that bothers you ? i don't think so. I think you just want to be with your little one. or just that it seems like such a hassle for so little.

If that is the case. Please try and work out financials of not going back. WE can , most of us, nearly always, manage on what we have. adjust. if we really have to.

You might find the time to do some work, well paid consultancy form home that you never knew you could think how happy that would make you.
I don't want to work from home. i can't think of anything worse. it is the getting out and laughing, social, rather than being at home with baby that does it for me.

Really try and work out EXACTLY what does it for you. It might be more achieveable than you think.

Have you looked into nurseries near work rather than home? DS goes to one in Canary Wharf which is expensive for a nursery (1500 a month for under twos) but is open from 7.30 to 6.30.

DH and I used to alternate drop off and pick up so one of us could work later if necessary.

Oh Hana, thank you.
We are the lucky few who are at work for this reason, then.

Norky, I was thinking that. Why don't more people do that ? Take their abes on the train and put them in a nursery next door to their office.
I only commute 20 mins , in surrey, admittedly, so not the same as train into central london, but I can see ds playing outside in the nursery garden, from my desk.
Is it a totall no no, to do this if you are commuting into the hub of central london, though ?

Oblomov, I could not agree with your post more.

The only caveat I will add is that I did not know how much I actually missed working (outside the home) until I was physically back at work. Then it all came flooding back. With great relief as it were, although I wasn't aware of it before it, the deep baby fug I was in.

It is a huge struggle for a first time mother to arrange childcare, settle their child, work out the logistics etc. But once I steeled myself and got over that hurdle, it was worth it in retrospect.

By baby no.2, there was no angst. I wanted to go back. And even cut short my maternity leave because ds seemed quite robust.

oblomov, very nice to be able to peer into a nursery garden.

It does not happen in central london. The commute is hell, 20 mins is rare, even when I was living in central london. I have seen mothers in a packed train with a buggy and commuters that are not particularly helpful. It is very exhausting for both the parent and child.

What if the other parent works far away. They cannot help out on the nursery run. Bad set up.

I think there are good reasons why most parents put their dcs in nurseries closer to home.

Yes, sadly nursery by work wouldn't work. It's a 50 minute journey (including walking either end) and the tube is blooming packed. I reckon it'd take an extra 20 mins to wait for a tube with space for a pram to squeeze on.

Plus I am City and DH is C Wharf, so coudln't share pick up duties. We'd have to be able to do that because we both have City type jobs, so would need the back up of someone to call on last minute...

DH and I take DS to a nursery by work in a sling. Works really well (probably about 30 minute trip). I do hear what you say about the split in your locations though. It also means that wherever you choose (if it is not near home) you don't want to change jobs to one in a completely different location.

If you wanted to make it work I am sure you could. You could talk to your DH about perhaps one day a week working from home, or even working say 8-4 and then 7-9pm, so that the pick up could work. You could talk to the nursery to see if any nursery workers lived near you and could 'deliver'.

Basically you won't know for sure until you try it. And finding childcare is a huge effort, especially if you are thinking 'well it might not work out'. But I do think unless you are perfectly certain you want to be a SAHM then trying for a few months or so is worth it. Your DH might be able to negotiate a bit of slack (say 90% working) with his employers for a few months so he could be yor back up while you are finding your feet?