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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely unmotivated about going back to my 'big City job'

86 replies

Confusedfirsttimemum · 22/12/2009 11:28

I am due back at work in the Spring. I work in a 'big City job' and have negotiated going back four days a week.

I have just done the really detailed maths on the cost of a nanny (and it will have to be a nanny. No way could I make it home for 6pm for a nursery. I need that extra hour to 7pm, and even that will require massive focus on my part/my DH's on his days). I've excluded childcare vouchers since I'm a higher rate taxpayer and they seem certain to be going for us in 12 months.

Unless I can find a nanny share or similar, it's going to cost me 3/4 of my salary to pay the nanny. I'll be working three days of my stressful, challenging job just to pay the nanny. One day a week will actually stay in our pocket.

Now I realise it's a bit sexist to calculate it this way and not spread the cost between mine and DH's salaries, but realistically he's not going to give up work, whereas me doing so is an option. I also realise that many people don't even have the option of deciding whether to go back to work and take home far less than 1/4 of their pay. I'm not trying to make out that my life is harder than anyone else's. I am grateful for what I have.

Also, don't get me wrong, one day's pay will still make a big difference to our household income. But it seems such a small amount for such a lot of work. I also can't help thinking that once you add in travel, plus all those takeaways and taxis because I'm running late/knackered it will end up a lot less.

So, AIBU that this makes me question whether work is worth it, or whether we should just tighten our belts and live on beans for a few years?

OP posts:

starkadder · 22/12/2009 14:24

PS I was dreading going back to work but actually found it quite fun. Much easier to control things at work! But am v lucky as went back 20 hrs a week only (now 25 hrs) and DH works part time too so we share childcare. I know I am v lucky.

MollieO · 22/12/2009 14:30

Why can't you use a CM rather than a nanny? That would undoubtedly be cheaper.

I thought that childcare vouchers were staying but tax relief only at available at lower rate. At least that is what I've read.

MollieO · 22/12/2009 14:32

You could also look for an in house job. I do 4.5 days over 5 and arrive and leave the office at my set hours. I do work outside but usually only via Blackberry. I never stay late.

yangymac · 22/12/2009 14:36

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yangymac · 22/12/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

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WideWebWitch · 22/12/2009 14:40

Hi, I've only read the OP but I would say it's not just about the financial gain, going back to work when it's your first child. I took 3 years out and WISH I hadn't. It took 3 years of extremely hard work to get my earning power back. So you should factor in the cost of getitng your career back, should you ever want to do so and how much you value your financial independence. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone.

(plus presumably your salary will increase over time so the case will improve, financially, over time)

FolornHope · 22/12/2009 14:42

www

hola!

WideWebWitch · 22/12/2009 14:47

hola pescados (had to look that up!)

FolornHope · 22/12/2009 14:47

hola witchy face

InMyLittleHead · 22/12/2009 16:36

Agree with what others have said re childminding, the impact of career breaks etc.

I would also say have a think about how your relationship with your husband will change. Lots of SAHMs on here complain that since they stayed at home, their DH seems to think of everything domestic as their responsibility, not just childcare. They end up always being the ones on call. If you think your DH might go a bit like that and that you wouldn't like it, for me it would be a major reason to stay at work.

KERALA1 · 22/12/2009 16:49

From the other side of the fence I left my big city job to be a SAHM and adore it and dont miss a thing. Do what feels right for you and your family.

MrsWobble · 22/12/2009 17:08

i never did the maths when I was in your position but I suspect when I first went back I did so for very little net (post nanny costs) pay. However, I enjoyed my job and had worked hard to get where I was and didn't see why I should give it all up just because I had had a baby. The best piece of advice I was given was to go back and not worry about whether it was the right thing until after three months when it would be clear whether it was right or not. This meant that I wasn't making any decision based on a bad day or a good day but on the first three months as a whole.

This worked for me - but I did fundamentally enjoy my job and want to keep a career going if possible. The knowledge that I had a break clause at three months helped with the initial bad days and by the time three months came round we were all in a routine that worked. Having a good nanny was essential to this so whilst the finances are unattractive initially if you are in a job where promotion prospects are good then you should probably bear that in mind.

None of this is relevant though if what you really want to do is stay at home with your baby - if you do, and you can afford it and your husband is supportive then stop worrying about it and do it.

brandybutterfly · 22/12/2009 17:43

Before having children I wasn't bothered about how long my commute was and was happy to travel hours.

Since having my 3DC's I've never travelled more than 15 minutes each way. I'd rather get back to see the kids than sit in the car.

YANBU.

Patsy99 · 22/12/2009 18:11

I'm in the government legal service and would echo what other posters have said about considering it as an alternative. There are so many women-of-childbearing-age here who have left city firms (or the junior Bar in my case) so you'd fit right in. I work 3 days a week, 8:45 to 5 pm so I can get back in time for the nursery. (I also work at home in the evenings after dc in bed if I'm busy). There is also an option to take a career break of up to 5 years and get your job back guaranteed.

The downsides are: less money than private practice, I can't get promoted on 3 days a week unless I can find a jobshare partner, and contrary to what has been said it's actually fairly stressful, there's a surprising amount of responsibility for work which can end up splashed all over the papers. But it's definitely not boring.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 22/12/2009 18:27

Hiya. I too left my big city job. That was after DS3 and DH got a great job so I was very fortunate in being able to do it. I have to say, though, I am so much happier now. Can concentrate on being a mum and retraining in a couple of years. I can't bear the though of going back there [shudder]. Point is, if another job is a possibility, do it now before you get ground down. My experience echoes abetadad. 5 days work in 4 days and being seen as a part-timer is not great.

Good luck with whatever you decide, though.

babbi · 22/12/2009 18:44

I didn't go back after DD and was very happy as a SAHM .
When DD reached 4 the former company contacted me to ask that I come back on a temp basis with a possibility of extension to permanent again.
After only 2 days back at work all I could think was thank goodness I never did this before . Being away from DD even at 4 years old was just a waste of time to me. Nothing I did at work could even compare in any way to spending time with my DD . ( I had no childcare costs either , money was all take home !)
I lasted 10 weeks and left.
I am glad I got to try to work as a mum as it has confirmed to me that I did make the right choice to give up my career. (Of course I am very lucky to have that choice)

It is though a very personal choice.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

CocoK · 22/12/2009 18:50

Will you enjoy being at home full time more than being at work 4 days a week? Can you afford to? If the answer to these two are both yes, you know what to do.

I used to work full time (not in city), had a good career, went back part time, then chucked it in because the nanny was earning more than me and - mainly - I didn't want to miss my children's early years and have some stranger be their main influence if we could afford not to. It's hard work, but I've never regretted it and while I angst about my future career, it can wait, and it will work itself out somehow.

Ilovemybed · 22/12/2009 19:11

just a quick post to say that I did a year of four days and have recently dropped to three. Four days a week is just FT for less money.

Childcare vouchers - are brilliant. DH and I both get them and are higher tax payers. It mainly covers the cost of our cm.

CMs: Are great. Mine is a grandmother and comes from a different background to us so I really appreciate her different view on life. I would look for a good cm. Start chatting to people in your local park, or phone the council to get a list of them.

Give it a go. There are lots of long term benefits to working; pensions, career etc. We could live on DH's salary (and eat bread and water) but I like working and I like two days at home.

good luck.

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 19:23

if you can see yourself SAH then give up your job and be a SAHM. If you enjoy working then maybe find a job closer to home that's less stressful and won't cost so much in childcare. It depends what you want out of life IMHO.

sickofsocalledexperts · 22/12/2009 19:23

I left a big city job after having my second child - have never looked back, even though had to tighten belt a lot. I like my kids to see my face at the school gates every day at 315, and the kind of job I had just doesn't work for those hours! I have never regretted becoming a SAHM and when people ask me if I miss my old city job, I tell them that the idea of missing that kind of hellish, pressurised, nasty environment when compared with being with my kids is laughable. However, it is hard work being a SAHM, and can be very BORING (no-one ever tells you that). Producing chicken nuggets and petit filous yogs 3 times a day is dull, and I'm not a great "let's make a space ship out of toilet rolls" kind of mum. But, I love them and I love being a SAHM. If you can afford it, I think you should do it. For me, it's ironic as I would not really have been able to go back to work anyway, as it turns out my DS is autistic, and is partly home educated, meaning no way can I work (although teaching him is certainly harder than any work I ever did in my old job). Good luck with whatever you decide.

ijustwant8hours · 22/12/2009 19:46

You do not loose anything by trying it and seeing how you get on.

I am going back to my 'big city job' next month after kid number 2. I would have been partner 2 years ago if I hadn't had babies (or if I had returned 4 / 5 days a week after baby number 1) as it is my career is dead in the water but I have to go back just to check!

Don't get into my situation where my DH seems to view my job as a hobby!

yangymac · 22/12/2009 23:44

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blueshoes · 23/12/2009 08:37

yangy, not having financial pressures dictate your decision is nice, but a lot of women work because they want to, not because they need to.

That is something the OP needs to work out for herself.

I would second what MrsWobble and others said to just go back to work anyway for 3 months as a litmus test of whether it feels right to be at work.

I spent 1 year at home on maternity leave with a dd with health problems and who wouldn't take a bottle. I was loathe to leave her at nursery and battled my employer for a flexible position. Much as I dreaded returning to work, I realised that once I had settled dd at nursery and took that train to work, I felt freer than I ever did. It just felt right. But I needed to control my hours at work to be happy about it.

As a city lawyer, once you allow your skills to erode, it is almost impossible to get them back because you will never be able to put in the time that a trainee/junior lawyer needs to to re-train, assuming a firm is prepared to even give you that opportunity. And every other job will not be as interesting or pay quite as well as that job (assuming of course you liked the city job to begin with).

So it is worth investigating a return-to-work scenario and alternatives in the same or related field, rather than throw what are some very very rare and valuable skills away.

Original poster

Confusedfirsttimemum · 23/12/2009 08:42

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't been able to respond in detail to some of the comments further down the thread. You know how it is around Christmas...

We're off to family soon, but I have read and thought about everything everyone's said. thanks so much for responding.

OP posts:

Romanarama · 23/12/2009 08:49

I think what Patsy says is the good thing about govt work. You can do an interesting and responsible job part-time. That's pretty rare anywhere.

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