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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset for my daughter regarding Birthday cards

83 replies

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 20:48

My daughter turned 8 yesterday so had her birthday treat today cinema and a meal for 10 friends most parents got short notice due to cinema not releasing times of film until this Tuesday however my daughter has been best friends with one child for over 5 years now. His mum and dad are divorced he moved away in October to live with his dad but I have been in regular contact with both parents that whatever happened for my daughters birthday would be today So they have had over 2 months notice.

Of the 10 children that came 7 children had bought presents for my daughter 2 had bought cards and generously put some money inside but this friend did not even bring a card am i being unreasonable to feel a card for my daughter even home made one if money was tight would have shown some thought this has happened 3 times now but we always mark his birthday and both his younger brothers

OP posts:

Wineonafridaynight · 20/12/2009 20:55

hmm...can see why it would annoy you, particularly as it has happened before but did your daughter notice? Was she just pleased that her friend was there?

YANBU to be annoyed but it is one of those things better left than saying anything. I also would still give him a present - would show to your daughter the whole not giving in order to receive thing!

thirtysomething · 20/12/2009 20:56

I think YAB a little bit U. it's the custom to offer a birthday gift when invited to a party but not obligatory. your daughter is probabaly just glad her friend came and doesn't care much about the lack of gift...maybe each parent thought the other would get the gift...my DS has a friend who never brings a gift because it's always his Dad's weekend to have him and he just doesn't get round to it...never been a problem and DS always invites him as he's one of his mates. i think it's good for chihldren to understand gifts are not an entitlement and that there are other things in life.

You never can tell what's going on in other people's lives and maybe making a card was insurmountable this weekend. i know sometimes it would be the straw that breaks the camel's back in our house!

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 20:58

yes she noticed and had tears in her eyes she was writing her thank you letters and was upset she could not find his card but we picked him up and all he brought with him was his nintendo dsi so definitely not a case of it being lost etc

OP posts:

lovechoc · 20/12/2009 21:00

your daughter had the company of her friends, surely that counts more than how many cards and presents they get. It's not a competition.

As long as they enjoy the cinema treat and meal, let it go. Most children don't think like that, over trivial matters such as a card.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 21:00

2 months to buy or make a card is lots of time I am not bothered about a present as you say thirtysomething they are optional but I feel a card is not a lot to ask

OP posts:

lovechoc · 20/12/2009 21:02

alot of folk don't bother about birthday cards though. they only end up getting recycled anyway. it's one less card to worry about imho.

cloelia · 20/12/2009 21:02

If this was our family and if the dds were with their father, I would be amazed if he even got them to the right place on the right day. A card /present would be an insurmountable effort. At 8 I don't think the child would prompt the parent either. I think you should put it out of your mind and well done for keeping in touch with them. It is so not meant to be hurtful, I am sure.

blithedance · 20/12/2009 21:02

YABU.

I would spare a thought for the little boy whose parents have split up - your DD should be grateful for her happy family. Their life has probably been unhappy for a while and chaos now. Birthday cards and presents can be a struggle in the most organised of households.

lovechoc · 20/12/2009 21:04

blithedance has brought up a good point there about the little boy who's parents have just split. the last thing on their mind is probably a birthday card!

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 21:05

blithedance they split over 7 years ago so not a new split also is not the first time this has happened

OP posts:

wannaBe · 20/12/2009 21:10

I think yabu.

I think you are letting your dd get far too upset over what is essentially a piece of card which will be in the bin by tomorrow.

If the friend didn't bother coming too the party then that would be one thing, but him being there should be far more important to her than whether or not he bought a card/present.

I would be saying to her that cards and presents on one's birthday are not a right, and would certainly not be indulging any upset.

muggglewump · 20/12/2009 21:10

It's the done thing to bring a present and card to a party, but clearly this wee boy has a lot going on in his life.
As you say, his parents have split up and perhaps it was a lack of communication between them that meant he didn't bring anything?

muggglewump · 20/12/2009 21:14

I agree with WannaBe.
You shouldn't indulge upset over this.
It's not the boys fault, but his parents, and though (as I have now read)they have been split up a long time, there still may have been a breakdown in communication.

He attended the party and had fun. Surely a party is about inviting friends to celebrate with you, not about wanting gifts?

lovechoc · 20/12/2009 21:16

true muggle. people seem to be so obsessed with materialism these days, surely the whole birthday experience is about having friends and family there to share the day. take photos, share the memories later on etc.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 21:19

is 3rd time this has happened my dd keeps all her cards and has done every year we keep them in her memory drawer and talk about the people who gave them to her when we look through her drawer.

His mum has phoned and confirmed that he was still being collected etc so not like she had forgotten I think if I am honest I am more annoyed that they can buy him a dsi etc and send that to a day trip when he surely is not meant to be being ignorant and ignoring everybody, there was not even a thank you for taking him or a goodbye he was still on his dsi manners cost nothing

OP posts:

PlanetEarth · 20/12/2009 21:28

I'm a bit shocked that he (or his parents?) thought it was OK for him to bring his Nintendo to someone's birthday party.
That seems pretty rude to me to be honest.

PlanetEarth · 20/12/2009 21:30

Oops LesbianMummy1, didn't see that last post when I just posted, yes I totally agree with you. He was hardly "sharing his friendship" if he was glued to his Nintendo, was he?

jemart · 20/12/2009 21:36

Yanbu at all - it is not a matter of materialism. For a close friend to turn up to a birthday celebration without so much as a card is rather thoughtless and quite hurtful as the implication is that they just don't care.
Even if they forgot until the day it wouldn't take much to nip into a shop/supermarket/petrol station on the way to the party and buy a cheap card.

MillyR · 20/12/2009 21:37

I don't think it matters. There have been various children at my DC's parties over the years who have brought nothing. It really isn't that important.

To cry over it is just making way too much of it.

There seems to be a spate of people making a really big deal of children's friendships and birthday arrangements at the moment on AIBU.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 20/12/2009 21:44

YANBU.

It's bad manners.
Habitually not bringing a card or present to a child's birthday is rude.
End of.

whifflegarden · 20/12/2009 21:46

Haven't read posts but I think yab a litttle u. At least he made the efort to come, and you don't know what's going on with his dad that he wasn't able to send a card.....

InMyLittleHead · 20/12/2009 21:49

OP, I do think you do attach a lot more importance to birthday cards than most people, just looking at what you said about keeping the cards and looking over them later. I think birthday cards mostly get binned, unless they are from someone special. I wouldn't expect a 7 year old kid to remember himself, so it is down to the parents and maybe they have a hard time getting organised what with being separated and everything. I think you're overthinking it a bit tbh

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2009 21:58

If he does this all the time & it is something that bugs you & upsets your daughter, why the persistent invites?

Also, he went to live with dad in October, BIG upheaval. You don't why they decided this, or the circs surrounding it.

Could be that it wasn't his choice & he is finding it hard to adjust.

You just don't know, stop being arsey about something that has happened before & you can control (by way of not inviting him).

You could have just told your daughter, "well you know 'John' doesn't do cards or gifts, it is having him at your birthday that is the important thing here"

wannaBe · 20/12/2009 21:59

IMO you are attaching far too much sentimental value to this stuff.

Unless they are special cards ie from close family then as a rule the birthday cards given at a party are bought at the last minute and hastily written out just before leaving the house (or is that just the parties my child goes to? )? So to keep them all does seem a little ott.

By next year I imagine this friendship will have fizzled out anyway given the child doesn't live close any more.

And yes bringing a nintendo a birthday party does seem rude, but this is an eight year old we're talking about - most eight year olds just don't think.

Redfootgirl1 · 20/12/2009 22:02

Hi
I can see both sides, maybe it was a case that either parent would think the other would get a gift/card but then whoever took the child along must've realised they didnt have one. Yes a home made card would have been enough.

This happened when my two turned 4 and i had to explain to them about how some people arent as fortunate as us and may not of been able to make or buy a card and that they gave us a gift of their presence on their birthday.

In your shoes I would let it go on this occasion and if you have a good relationship with either parent mention it in the third person i.e. maybe say you were at a party and the child had a DSi with them or didnt bring a card along. this will probably prompt them to give their opinion on the matter.

Hope it works out for you.

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