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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset for my daughter regarding Birthday cards

83 replies

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 20:48

My daughter turned 8 yesterday so had her birthday treat today cinema and a meal for 10 friends most parents got short notice due to cinema not releasing times of film until this Tuesday however my daughter has been best friends with one child for over 5 years now. His mum and dad are divorced he moved away in October to live with his dad but I have been in regular contact with both parents that whatever happened for my daughters birthday would be today So they have had over 2 months notice.

Of the 10 children that came 7 children had bought presents for my daughter 2 had bought cards and generously put some money inside but this friend did not even bring a card am i being unreasonable to feel a card for my daughter even home made one if money was tight would have shown some thought this has happened 3 times now but we always mark his birthday and both his younger brothers

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 09:54

YANBU - a card would be nice. I prefer cards to presents.

comeonbishbosh · 21/12/2009 10:11

Oh, YNBU to be annoyed on you DD's behalf, but that's not really the question. The question is how big a deal is it?

Throughout life, we all have friends who let us down in big and little ways... forgetting birthdays,being late, not phoning back, having the telly on while we're visiting.... yadda yadda YMWV. We may choose our friends but they are still different from us and sometimes their priorities will just be different. I still find this tough at times so I'm not saying it's easy, but it's something your daughter will have to get used to.

She sounds great by the way, and obviously values her friends, but being disappointed with others you like / love, especially in the small things like birthday cards, is just a part of life.

yummyyummyyummy · 21/12/2009 11:54

YABU You invite friends to a party because you want their company not their presents and cards.
And if my child had cried about someone not giving her anything I would have given her short shrift

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 11:58

Lesbianmum just goes to show the attitude of that mother, careless, does not give a feck attitude imo.

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 21/12/2009 12:35

I know people are all different, and some attach more sentimental importance to things like cards etc etc, but jeebies, you aren't half setting yourself and your dd up for a lot of disappointments in life by being so, erm, precious about this stuff. Lighten up! Your dd will need a much thicker skin for this life, and part of your job is helping her grow one. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but poring over old birthday cards and stoking up imagined slights is clearly not helping her if she is getting teary. It Does Not Bode Well.

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 12:51

Haven't read all of this, but just wanted to say that i turned up at a 1yo birthday party once empty handed. In fact I had entirely forgotten about it and she had to ring me to remind me to go

The reason for this behaviour, which is not normal for me, is that I was very pregnant and was suffering perinatal anxiety which meant that I was too scared to leave the house. I had literally gone quite mad and my brain was full of things which did not include parties and presents etc.

If I were you I would be a bit but put it down to experience and not be too fussed about it. Different people do things different ways etc. you never know the whole story. As long as they are nice, then it doesn't really matter IMO.

Will go read thread now.

megapixels · 21/12/2009 13:01

LOL OP then you are being even more U than I thought! The boy ignored everyone throughout the party and continued to play on his DSi even during lunch, and you are annoyed about the fact that he didn't bring a birthday card?

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 13:04

yummyyummyyummy i will not tell my daughter off for having feelings she thought she had lost his card and was worried she would upset him by loosing it

A simple thank you would have been appreciated the fact is my daughter wanted a bit of recognition for her birthday even to say happy birthday would have been nice his mum did not and he did not

OP posts:

yummyyummyyummy · 21/12/2009 13:09

I would have taken it off the boy for the duration of the party

HuwEdwards · 21/12/2009 13:09

agree with lovechoc's posts. My DDs, 7 and 9, don't give a fig about cards and although as with most kids, they love presents, would take their lead off me if a child arrived without one. Would be absolutely fine.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 13:10

yummyyummyyummy how could i take it there was not one to take, that is the point not a card a said happy birthday or a thank you when we dropped him home

OP posts:

lovechoc · 21/12/2009 13:11

thanks Huw for seeing where I'm coming from.

OP, don't bother inviting him again if it's causing this much upset with your DD. Is it really worth the heartache??

NancyDrewRocks · 21/12/2009 13:11

Honestly you're being a bit precious with the who sentimentality of a card business.

However whilst I wouldn't get upset about it, it is rude not to bring a card or present to a birthday party.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 13:14

A THANK YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT SENTIMENTAL OTT HE AND HIS MOTHER WERE DOWNRIGHT RUDE

OP posts:

FolornHope · 21/12/2009 13:15

lol at user name LM

lovechoc · 21/12/2009 13:20

well if they are THAT rude then why bother inviting him in the first place then. you obviously have such strong emotions on this subject so many re-evaluate the situation for your DD's next birthday?

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 13:21

if he is in his mothers care next year he will not be invited I will tell my daughter he is on holiday etc so she does not have to feel humiliated no card or present is one thing but manners cost nothing

OP posts:

megapixels · 21/12/2009 13:28

If your daughter is feeling "humiliated" as you say she will not want to invite him of her own accord. If you have to tell her that he's on holiday during her birthday it looks like you know that she would want him there.

Good luck with her next birthday anyway, hope it is less stressful.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 13:30

thank you mp I know she will want him there but to see the hurt on her face was hard especially when he would not even say bye I feel sad I may have to discourage the friendship but feel it has been one sided for far too long

OP posts:

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 21/12/2009 13:35

You are starting to sound a bit unhinged, you know. Has it really upset you this much?

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 13:41

But if your DD likes him she surely makes allowances for his lack of politeness/his parents lack of politeness. ie she likes him despite these things.

Either she likes him or she doesn't.

My brother for example is a lazy-arse workshy fop who rarely gets me xmas or birthday stuff. However i do like him, so dont get wildly annoyed about it. If you like people yuo make allowances, if you don't like them you don't.

CommonNortherner · 21/12/2009 13:55

Poor boy. He obviously has had problems at home and at least one parent, possibly both, are not hot on those social niceties and he is being criticised for not compensating for these or maybe not even picking them up at such a young age, and even possibly being punished for it by not being invited again?!?

Have some compassion!

ginormoboobs · 21/12/2009 14:02

YABU ,

Does it matter that he didn't bring a card? Isn't the idea os a party for a child to enjoy themselves , not for them to get presents.
He is only a little boy. How does he know it is bad to not bring a present and a card
I couldn't care less about cards. I always think of them as money that I could have spent on a present. Maybe I would feel the same as you if I likedd cards.

Original poster

LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 14:23

I am not unhinged but finding I have to repeat myself often he knows manners surely "goodbye" or "thank you" or "happy birthday" are not too much to ask as for compassion this is 3rd time it has happened but I had over 20 emails from his parents with suggestions of places he wanted to go e.g. paultons park, legoland, thorpe park, not asking where my daughter wanted to go but telling us where he wanted to go my compassion ignored this rudeness cos I know they are under stress but one comment would have been enough yesterday

OP posts:

FluffyPumpkins · 21/12/2009 14:28

why dont you explain this to the mother?

doesnt sound like he really is that interested in being friends with your dd. TBH

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