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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset for my daughter regarding Birthday cards

83 replies

LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 20:48

My daughter turned 8 yesterday so had her birthday treat today cinema and a meal for 10 friends most parents got short notice due to cinema not releasing times of film until this Tuesday however my daughter has been best friends with one child for over 5 years now. His mum and dad are divorced he moved away in October to live with his dad but I have been in regular contact with both parents that whatever happened for my daughters birthday would be today So they have had over 2 months notice.

Of the 10 children that came 7 children had bought presents for my daughter 2 had bought cards and generously put some money inside but this friend did not even bring a card am i being unreasonable to feel a card for my daughter even home made one if money was tight would have shown some thought this has happened 3 times now but we always mark his birthday and both his younger brothers

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 20/12/2009 22:02

"yes she noticed and had tears in her eyes she was writing her thank you letters and was upset she could not find his card"

you should encourage your daughter to write a thank you card to thank him for coming to celebrate with her.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2009 22:03

And regarding the DS. Maybe he thought that he was the only boy among a group of girls & while they were off doing girly stuff he could occupy himself on the ds.

Or maybe it is a comfort for him, seeing that he only moved homes 2 months ago. Did his brothers go with him, or just him?

I think you are being harsh here.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:07

Him and my dd have been friends for over 5 years so everytime she has a birthday he is the first name to be invited.

I appreciate he is a child but his mum let him take the dsi and was most rude that at his half brothers birthday we only gave a card with £10 in as opposed to buying a present when they phoned to invite dd1 with 2 hours notice the fact she was rude about that but yet again sent nothing has narked me of course I told my daughter not to get upset but she is also a child and has feelings too

OP posts:
muggglewump · 20/12/2009 22:10

"s 3rd time this has happened my dd keeps all her cards and has done every year we keep them in her memory drawer and talk about the people who gave them to her when we look through her drawer.

His mum has phoned and confirmed that he was still being collected etc so not like she had forgotten I think if I am honest I am more annoyed that they can buy him a dsi etc and send that to a day trip when he surely is not meant to be being ignorant and ignoring everybody, there was not even a thank you for taking him or a goodbye he was still on his dsi manners cost nothing"

Well your DD must see something in him as she wants to be his friend and keeps inviting him.
Maybe his parents aren't great?
Must be as it's happened 3 times.

Perhaps he's shy, or uncomfortable in a group and that's why he brings his DS?
You come across as being more annoyed that they spend money on a DS rather than your DD's present though.

MillyR · 20/12/2009 22:11

Yes, she is a child, but it is the value that you have put upon a birthday card that has made her have those feelings.

It is just a card. I doubt my DCs could even say who was at their seventh birthday parties, much less keep the cards in a drawer.

It is the friendship that matters, not some material token.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:12

differentnameforthis his mum and dad were aware there were other boys and girls coming was a fifty fifty split his brothers are 3 and 1 but are from his mums partner of 4 years it was a decision taken by him his mum and dad because he was constantly upset whilst living with his mum his mum was telling me all week how much happier he is and how there is no custody discrepencies now etc

OP posts:
Redfootgirl1 · 20/12/2009 22:14

One more question: Have you had this child on a 1:1 with your dd, if so is there a difference in his behavour.

You could also ask you DD about he friends and what she likes about each of them, just to give you a feel for why she likes having him as a friend.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:15

mugglewump these are friends he has had for years too he is also not shy but a very outgoing child and if he was shy being engrossed in a computer game is not going to enable anybody to talk to him I have stated already I do not care about a present but feel a card or even a thank you would not have been too much to ask for

OP posts:
Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:20

Redfootgirl1 my dd became firm friends at pre-school with this boy he was a child who joined part way through a term and she instantly took him under her wing so to speak he comes around on his own too she likes him for various reasons and has emailed him at least weekly since he moved away he has always behaved erratically in his mothers care whilst being settled in his fathers care

OP posts:
whifflegarden · 20/12/2009 22:24

"I appreciate he is a child but his mum let him take the dsi and was most rude that at his half brothers birthday we only gave a card with £10 in as opposed to buying a present when they phoned to invite dd1 with 2 hours notice the fact she was rude about that but yet again sent nothing has narked me of course I told my daughter not to get upset but she is also a child and has feelings too"

I totally understand you being annoyed at the last minute invite. I personally do not attend last minute invites as to me it means that I'm not an important guest and was probably and after thought.

Why did you attend that party if you were going to continue to hold a grudge about it?

Anyway, I'm off as I really don't think this is something worth getting worked up about. If it's such a big deal to you then stop inviting the boy. If your DD values his friendship that much then it's the friendship that counts not matters of ettiqutte that say more about his parents than about him.

Redfootgirl1 · 20/12/2009 22:24

Try speak to the dad then. It is so difficult and i really feel for you. If you have a photo of him from the party can you put that in the drawer with the other cards.

i would never send mind without a card but that personnaly is how i feel.

IMoveTheStarsForChristmas · 20/12/2009 22:28

OP - I would be upset too. Me and my DP have every card we've received since we got together, and have kept all Christmas cards and, every cards DS has had since he was born.

I think we may have to start playing this down a little bit.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:33

redfootgirl1 I would not phone his dad just about that however I will not lie if his dad asks me out right what he brought

his dad last year collected him from school at 3pm drove to tesco to choose a gift and came to party at 4:30 even though he has only met dd a few times I made sure that both him and his father got a thank you letter and knew it was very much appreciated the present only cost approx £1 but it showed care and thought and the cost was not relevant to the appreciation his mum never bothers and at the least could have said thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 22:34

IMoveTheStarsForChristmas careful you will be slated as unreasonable and over sentimental for keeping those cards be warned

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 20/12/2009 22:41

Ok, so he is not shy....but he will be insecure as he has just been turfed out of home, where his 2 brothers are.

He will be finding this hard to adjust to, poor sod!

IMoveTheStarsForChristmas · 20/12/2009 23:00

I know, and I don't care. I like that we have all the cards.

we;re going to need a bigger box.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 20/12/2009 23:09

IMoveTheStarsForChristmas wonder how many yeas you and dp can collect cards for now if your ds is 50 that would be funny to put on here

OP posts:
MollieO · 20/12/2009 23:22

YANBU. Manners cost nothing. My ds is 5 and noticed who got him cards on his birthday so I can completely understand your dd.

Maybe its time to encourage your dd to form other friendships particularly if it is as one-sided as it seems.

pigletmania · 20/12/2009 23:28

YANBU it is basic manners and courtesy to at least bring a card and say thank you, does not take a lot, even better a homemade card that came from the heart. No its not obligatory but it shows respect, what sort of things is the mother teaching the boy.

megapixels · 20/12/2009 23:37

YABU. I didn't know people even cared about these things. Put his photo in the card drawer? How OTT!!

As long as the child wishes your dd a Happy Birthday and thanks her for the party when he's leaving I don't think anything else is needed.

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 08:33

megapixels he neither wished her happy birthday or thanked her and neither did his mum that is the whole point he ignored everybody and played on his dsi in the car and at lunch

OP posts:
wannaBe · 21/12/2009 08:45

so why didn't you tell him to put the ds down at lunch?

Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 08:52

megapixels I did but had 10 children to look after had to tell him 4 times then he managed to spill milkshake on it mentioned it to his mum who said "did he" no apology or interest

OP posts:
Original poster
LesbianMummy1 · 21/12/2009 08:53

oops that should have said wannabe

OP posts:
Brunettelady · 21/12/2009 09:49

YANBU, I also keep some cards although I know there is going to come a time when I need to throw them away.

I can't people think you are BU. It is good manners to at least bring a card when you have been invited to a birthday. The parents have a responsibility to make sure their DS turned up with a card.

Personally I would be embarrassed to send my DS without a present, but if I really couldn't afford it, I would definately make sure he had a card with him.

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