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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blank the mum of the kid who didn't invite ds to his party?

99 replies

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:35

I posted about this few days back but there have been developments...! This kid who I'd done lots for - home for tea, days out, looked after him while his mum was at work - had a 9th birthday party a while back and didn't invite ds. As far as I know, they are in a pretty tight little group of pals at school, of about five of them, who always play together every break - and have done for years. Can't understand why ds wasn't asked, unless he'd done something horrible recently to party kid without me knowing about it.
Anyway, just bumped into the mum for the first time since and she was a bit creepy-smiley to me. I'm afraid I blanked her. AIBU? I suppose I am and in any case I can't keep that up for the next two years till they leave primary school, can I? I just feel kinda annoyed at her...I'd taken her kid out while she was working literally a fortnight before the party, day out, lunch, dropped him home, while she was working...And then this. And it's not like her kid is Mr Popular with zillions of mates to choose from, if anything he's a little bit of an oddball no-mates, which is why I'm baffled by it all. Well even as I write this I know I've got to get over myself, but WWYD?

OP posts:
nothingofthesort · 18/12/2009 18:38

I'd get over it.

BooHooo · 18/12/2009 18:43

I will never understand why some Mums feel that their children have some God-given right to be invited to every party. My neighbour goes into paralysis when her DD misses a party (not saying you do)

Even if they do knock about with the child in question. She can't invite everyone, there may be a good reason.

I think the way you describe him as "odd ball no mates" is quite horrible actually.

ILoveGregoryHouse · 18/12/2009 18:46

Why don't you just ask her? Maybe her son didn't want your son to go? Kids can be funny.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/12/2009 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MattBellamysMuse · 18/12/2009 18:48

It does seem a bit odd if they're close friends and spend a lot of time together. Was it a big party or more of a two or three friends to the cinema kind of party?
I'm not sure blanking her was particularly constructive. You could have just asked her if there was a problem. Maybe her son, for some reason, insisted he did not want your son there.

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:49

Yeah, oddball no-mates is a mean thing to say, I hear ya. I never said I wasn't a complete bitch (at least in my head)! Ds has special needs, which is partly why I'm a bit over-sensitive about his social success/failure. But you're right, I'll get over it. Probably v good reason for it...

OP posts:
Morloth · 18/12/2009 18:49

no no you are confused.

Your children are at school, not you. You are now the grown up.

MillyR · 18/12/2009 18:52

I am horrified by the oddball no mates statement.

NadiaWadia · 18/12/2009 19:00

YANBU. Seems very strange - I'd be annoyed too.

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 19:01

MattBellamysmuse - it was 10 kids to go bowling - it is weird isn't it?

OP posts:
purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2009 19:01

I was about to post that Morloth

OP its not about YOU!!!

And often the party is planned ages before the party, and sometimes children fall out when in the planning stages, and are friends by the actual day.

Honestly, that was very immature to blank the mum

NadiaWadia · 18/12/2009 19:02

Perfectly natural to be upset on your DS' behalf. I guess the mother won't be getting any more free childcare services from you!

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 19:07

I can sort of understand your gut reaction to blank this woman cornishgal but I think actually doing it was going a little bit too far. (It did make me lol though!).

I get all the stuff about no child having the right to be invited to everythign etc etc, but under the circumstances you described, it appears it would have been polite/correct to invite your DS to the party. Seeing as he was not invited, I think you had every right to ask the mum why not (due to the circumstances). However, since you have actually blanked her now, there may be a bit of reconciling to do .

Anyway, this party issue does piss people off. Amongst the bunch of 3/4yos that DS is at school nursery with, there seems to be a band of kids who are invited to every party (and I have overheard one mum sighing about receiving another party invite) and some kids who are lucky to get an invite to even one party. It does seem unbalanced. My DS has only been invited to one party and my friend's DD to none. It does hurt a bit, but I think you have to get over it. Look forward to your child's party. I will be inviting children who have not invited DS -despite the fact that one boy in particular seems to be a good friend of DS's - even his mum said so I am totally perplexed as to why DS wasn't invited to his recent party. I will invite the boy to DS's party though as I'm sure they'll both have fun. My little evil side hopes that the mother will feel just a little bad for not inviting DS when her DS is invited to my DS's party. And my better side thinks, hopefully it will lead to DS being able to go to his friend's party next year.

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 19:07

Thank you Nadia! No I suppose I won't be jumping up and down to look after him in the hols any more when she's working. It's just all a bit sad, cos we all used to get on quite well and have done for years, right back to pre-school days.

OP posts:
Seasonofgoodwill · 18/12/2009 19:09

YABU. I think blanking people is not the kindest way of dealing with things. Usually people will have no idea why you are blanking them, it will just make them unhappy and they will never know why. Is that really what you intend? Wouldn't it be better to ask her politely about the invitation instead?

MillyR · 18/12/2009 19:11

Some of you think about this kind of stuff way too much. I cannot remember who came to DDs last party, much less work out if she was then asked back. How do you all even know who is and is not having a party?

You have too much time on your hands if you can keep track of this kind of stuff.

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 19:13

Oh - and no I don't expect ds to be invited to everything, - not by any means. He's lucky to get invited to say one in five of the parties in his class and that's totally fine, you can't win em all.
It's just that this kid is one of the three-to-four children he really did think were his real pals, and has been for years. And they're still playing with each other all the time. It's just weird.

OP posts:
Portofino · 18/12/2009 19:16

I can see you would be disappointed, especially if you have helped her out, but sorry, making unkind remarks about her son on here is not necessary and makes me much less sympathetic.

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2009 19:16

YABU to lank the mum, you aren not being unreasonalbe to be upset on your DS's behalf.... but to blank the mum! It's just not an adult thing to do. You are not in high shocol now.

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 19:17

MillyR - I suppose if your DD is invited to a fair number of parties and she is fine with it, then you actually don't have this problem!

I remember which parties DS has been to because I have actually taken him and since it is an event that has happened, I automatically remember it. I suppose it is easier to remember when your child is only invited to one party (like mine!), but contantly chattering about the ones he has not been invtied to.

NanaNina · 18/12/2009 19:18

If I were you cornishgal I would just ask the mom in a friendly (sort of trying to be a bit offhand way) why your boy wasn't invited to the party. If you ask in the right way I'm sure she will respond in the same way and you could always say "sorry to have to ask but ...... was a bit upset to be left out" so it looks like it's your child not you that's upset! Seems a shame to let this come between you both and the children.

Pikelit · 18/12/2009 19:20

I'd make a waxen effigy of her. That way, you can blank her AND get to watch her writhe in agony as you rearrange the needles.

piscesmoon · 18/12/2009 19:22

It is a child's party!! I do think that people read far too much into it and project their own feelings. Just shrug it off-on the scale of 1-10 it is pretty low IMO.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 18/12/2009 19:23

YABU to actually blank her.
I think parties are a difficult situation for a both children and parents. I know many parents who get upset if their child isn't invited, have to plead guilty to this myself. And while I believe that the child should comprise their own guest list, I do think that the adult has to make sure that no one obvious is overlooked. And I do think your son sounds like an obvious candidate.

Could you not just casually and nicely ask her? Say you just wondered if there was any reason you should know about why your son wasn't invited, he hasn't done something to his friend, has he?

As an aside, if the birthday boy had nine acceptances to his birthday invite, the evidence suggests he's not a proper oddball no-mates

Paolosgirl · 18/12/2009 19:25

It was a bit silly to blank the mum, but then you know that . Very odd for your son not to be invited given the circumstances - but it's hard to say something to the mum without putting her in an awkward position.

I had this with my son when he was in primary when he wasn't invited to the party of a boy that he played with every day in school, saw regularly out of school and went to karate every Friday night with. DS was really upset, esp. as he was the only one of their small group who wasn't invited - but I couldn't bring myself to ask his mum if there had been a problem, and I don't think there was, as it was business as normal after the party.

It's different if it's just someone they know from school, but if it's a close friend who doesn't invite them, then it's bound to be a bit hurtful for you and your DS. I imagine you'll not be doing much childminding from now on?!