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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To blank the mum of the kid who didn't invite ds to his party?

99 replies

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:35

I posted about this few days back but there have been developments...! This kid who I'd done lots for - home for tea, days out, looked after him while his mum was at work - had a 9th birthday party a while back and didn't invite ds. As far as I know, they are in a pretty tight little group of pals at school, of about five of them, who always play together every break - and have done for years. Can't understand why ds wasn't asked, unless he'd done something horrible recently to party kid without me knowing about it.
Anyway, just bumped into the mum for the first time since and she was a bit creepy-smiley to me. I'm afraid I blanked her. AIBU? I suppose I am and in any case I can't keep that up for the next two years till they leave primary school, can I? I just feel kinda annoyed at her...I'd taken her kid out while she was working literally a fortnight before the party, day out, lunch, dropped him home, while she was working...And then this. And it's not like her kid is Mr Popular with zillions of mates to choose from, if anything he's a little bit of an oddball no-mates, which is why I'm baffled by it all. Well even as I write this I know I've got to get over myself, but WWYD?

OP posts:

Loubilou09 · 19/12/2009 10:18

I would be majorly pissed off and would have blanked too I am afraid. Bloody bad manners especially as you seem to do so much for her DS.....It is up to us as parents to teach our children good manners and the mother and the son should have had the good manners to invite your DS.

Tryharder · 19/12/2009 10:19

Haven't read all the thread yet but YANBU. I am not sure I would have blanked the mum but would have asked her outright but very politely, why your son wasn't invited.

I actually don't think that children should be left to their own devices to invite or exclude anyone they like. At my son's last party, he said he didn't want to invite a certain boy because that boy had done something or other. The boy's mother is a friend of mine who has been very good to us and I overruled my son immediately and said that the child had to be invited. Now of course they are firm friends again. Had I allowed my child to exclude the boy, it would no doubt have spoiled not only my son's friendship with this boy but my friendship with the mother.

I think you had a very realistic expectation for your son to be invited particularly as you had done so much for the family and the mother was very, very rude to allow her son to exclude yours.

isitspringyet · 19/12/2009 10:36

I know you shouldn't be annoyed and be an adult but reading your post was like an exact situation I was in with DS. I am really cool with the Mum of the boy now.
He had a party and was relatively new to the school, My DS had had him over and I had had him over while Mum worked/had to go on hospital visits to look after her Dad.
I then found out he'd had a party and loads of kids went - even some girls - and I was pisssed off. Yes I know it isn't how adults behave but she can ask some other Mum for favours now if she's running late.
If it was my DS who was having a party def would have encouraged an invite.

cumbria81 · 19/12/2009 11:12

Are you for real? You sound about 13 years old.

kinnies · 19/12/2009 11:19

The mum was rude.
I've invited kids to Ds parties that he would not have had at the top of his list because I've thought it mean not to.
You should not be rude to her though. I dont blame you for seeing her in a different light.

skihorse · 19/12/2009 13:01

YABU and sound like a silly little 11 year old.

If you really care, ask her why she didn't invite him but don't act like a twat.

Laquitar · 19/12/2009 13:09

Bitching about other adults is ok-ish

Bitching about a child (is not as her son is Mr popular..) is not on.

KiwiKat · 19/12/2009 13:32

Disappointed to see the sanctimonious sandal-wearers on here reacting to the 'odd-ball' comments, which were obviously not meant unkindly. "I haven't read this but the oddball no-mates comment made me both furious and upset." Vivia - it's common courtesy to READ THE THREAD before you wade in and make judgement.

Well said, Baroness - I suggest the PC crowd get back on their high horses and ride off into the sunset.

pigletmania · 19/12/2009 13:38

Yes i would be majorly peed off but not blank no, i would say quite slyly oh i heard that ds had a party how did it go. And not offer to do any favours for that woman.

MollieO · 19/12/2009 13:50

Fwiw I would have done the same. Not completely blank but be cool and unavailable for childminding if she needed it. If non of the other geeky gang were invited then I would be unconcerned but if all the geeky gang were invited and not your ds then I would draw a line under the friendship with the mum.

MollieO · 19/12/2009 13:51

non? none

SouthMum · 19/12/2009 14:01

Agree with Baroness and Forlorn here. Whats with the serious over-reaction to OPs comments? Think Brasso must be making a mint from all this halo-polishing going on......

OP - YANBU. Mum sounds like a boot and think your DS should give party-nerd-kid a wedgie next time he sees him for not convincing Boot-Mum to invite your DS.

dittany · 19/12/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 19/12/2009 14:11

lol @ brasso.

i thnk i would have done the same as you did op.

we ae not talking about any old kid from class - she looked after, cared for, cooked for - this kid. helping the mum out.

well out of order. kick her in the fanjo

FolornHope · 19/12/2009 14:17

huzah c

renderedspeechless · 19/12/2009 18:55

sorry for that situation OP, but so glad for this thread. dd just given out party invites - minus at least 2 dcs whose mums could have written the OP. i wrote invites for all class and few other close friends. obviouly, i niaively thought my friendship with parent is distinct from the children (oops)! and not conditional on reciprock invitations. but can see how to invite easier in long run.

MollieO · 19/12/2009 20:38

I think rendered your situation is different from the OPs. To my mind the issue here is that her ds is in the birthday child's friendship group and the OP has done childminding etc to help out the birthday boy's mum. I have friends who have children the same age as ds. The last time I invited them to his birthday party he didn't know who they were and they didn't know him! We see each socially but not necessarily with the children. I won't be inviting them this year although we are still friends.

cakewench · 19/12/2009 20:47

OP does state in a follow-up post that the boys are friends, and that the children invited to the party are not particularly friends with the boy having the party.

Anyway, I don't think you are BU with your initial reaction, but obviously you can't continue like that forever. Might as well be civil, because the boys' friendship is likely to fluctuate over the years. At that age they can be BFF one day and hate each other the next.

CatchaStar · 19/12/2009 20:57

At the end of the day - does it really matter?

The children are still friendly, are they not? No squabbles or fall outs? If all's well between them, then don't bother with worry or upset. If it's really something that's niggling you, ask the mother.

And perhaps in future, don't feel as obliged to do as much for said mother. Being friendly and doing a good deed is one thing, being treated like an unpaid babysitter for 2 weeks is another - no offence meant.

In all honesty, I'd just shrug it off. Don't stress yourself out by getting caught up in playground pettiness.

If she questions the blank you gave her, feign ignorance

Lotster · 19/12/2009 21:10

Yanbu. God I hate it when mealy-mouthed mumsnetters who are desperate to get the first boot in, ignore all the reasonable arguement you put forward, just to slate you about one little turn of phrase about being an oddball. You clearly care for this child or you wouldn't look after him. So petty...

It is hurtful not inviting your son, not to mention a bit piss-taking not to return some hospitality.

Don't make a big deal of it, but don't go out of your way to babysit.

Maleeka · 19/12/2009 21:48

I had a dilemma about this kinda situation a few years back when my daughter was 10. She fell out with a friend just before her birthday and didnt want to invite her. I didnt feel that she should have to have her there if she didnt want to so this girl wasnt invited.

Of course her mum found out and rang me quite miffed to ask why she wasnt invited, so i told her. I asked her if should would have preferred if i had told her my daughter was having a party but didnt want her daughter to come, and she told me that she would rather i had done so.

We had a good talk on the phone so i was surprised that she blanked me the next day in the playground. This continued for months and of course by then, the girls were mates again.

Then my daughters birthday came round again and she wanted to invite this girl, so i went up to her mum and basically said "look my daughter is having a party and would love for your daughter to come"

She smiled at me and said her daughter would really like that and in that minute we were friends again and it was like nothing had happened.

I think it had taken so long for us to try to talk to each other again, that it had got harder and harder so we just continued the blanking.

Damn social politics these days!! I dont remember all this fuss when i were a lass!

piscesmoon · 20/12/2009 09:33

'Damn social politics these days!! I dont remember all this fuss when i were a lass!

I don't think that there was the fuss! It is caused by parents today. Life is unfair-help your DC over it and move on.
I think my mother was very wise. When I was a DC she would never get involved in children's disputes-she said that the DCs would be friends again the next day but she would be left at loggerheads with the mother.

MamaLazarou · 20/12/2009 09:37

YABU

Unless you are, in fact, twelve.

MarioandLuigi · 20/12/2009 10:35

YABU - and the way you describe the child is very rude.

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