Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blank the mum of the kid who didn't invite ds to his party?

99 replies

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:35

I posted about this few days back but there have been developments...! This kid who I'd done lots for - home for tea, days out, looked after him while his mum was at work - had a 9th birthday party a while back and didn't invite ds. As far as I know, they are in a pretty tight little group of pals at school, of about five of them, who always play together every break - and have done for years. Can't understand why ds wasn't asked, unless he'd done something horrible recently to party kid without me knowing about it.
Anyway, just bumped into the mum for the first time since and she was a bit creepy-smiley to me. I'm afraid I blanked her. AIBU? I suppose I am and in any case I can't keep that up for the next two years till they leave primary school, can I? I just feel kinda annoyed at her...I'd taken her kid out while she was working literally a fortnight before the party, day out, lunch, dropped him home, while she was working...And then this. And it's not like her kid is Mr Popular with zillions of mates to choose from, if anything he's a little bit of an oddball no-mates, which is why I'm baffled by it all. Well even as I write this I know I've got to get over myself, but WWYD?

OP posts:
AMerryScot · 18/12/2009 19:27

YABU and childish

acebaby · 18/12/2009 19:28

YANBU to be irritated and sad about this, but YAB(a bit)U to blank the mother. This is only because your DS may interpret your actions as meaning that being missed off the party list is a big deal to you as well as him. If I were you, I'd be civil but not look after her son again. If she asks you (and she probably will), you can have the satisfaction of surprising her by turning her down . Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that ...

forehead · 18/12/2009 19:32

I understand why you are pissed off, but you must learn to over this. I do feel that the mother of the boy is rather insensitive but that's human nature for you. My dd1 wasn't invited to a party of a so called friend of hers and my dd was really upset. She got over it really quickly and still plays quite happily with this child. I just made sure that when my dd had her own party it was BIGGER and BETTER, than this so called friend
who was invited to the party.

Seasonofgoodwill · 18/12/2009 19:35

Satisfaction, revenge and competitive counter-parties? It all sounds too harsh, especially considering the mum might not have intended any offence at all and might not even realise why

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 19:35

YABU to (a) blank the woman and (b) call her kid an oddball. Grow up. It is a child's party, not a diplomatic reception (with Ferrero Rochers).

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 19:38

Can I just clarify, he is an odd ball no mates and so is ds. They are in the odd ball no mates gang together. Ie they are not especially popular and neither one of them gets asked to lots of parties or people's houses for tea etc etc, which is why it was nice that they were friends. And why it hurts when he pops up and invites all the popular kids, who never give him the time of day usually, and not ds. Do you see what I mean?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 19:41

Right, understand now about the oddball no mates comment. And it is hurtful when you percieve that your child is getting left out. But to blank the other woman is just daft really. Rise above it. Perhaps it genuineli is an oversight.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2009 19:41

Also, at 9 its generally NOT THE MUM'S CHOICE - its the child's

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 19:43

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe - yes, child's choice at this age, but given the circumstances, the mum should have said to the child - x looks after you a lot and you play with x's DS so it woudl be polite to invite them.

BicycleBelle · 18/12/2009 19:43

I see what you mean, Cornish. I would have been hurt and upset as well, and blanking is often what you do when you can't think of a pithy and reasonable way of explaining your feelings. I think the other mum is the one who should be doing the explaining, it sounds to me that you have offered the hand of friendship and hospitality to her DS, and she has then been very rude in excluding your DS. She doesn't deserve your friendship. (Its so much easier to say what you really feel after 2 glasses of wine!!)

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 18/12/2009 19:56

You have answered your own question in your last post.

He invited the popular kids, not his "real" mates. He is trying to climb the slippery social ladder of primary school. Kids this age don't have too much loyalty at this age (IMO and E) - I wouldn't sweat it personally but I understand itust be upsetting for your ds and therefore by extension, you.

Was your ds upset? Or is this something that's bothering you more than him?

Original poster
cornishgal · 18/12/2009 20:04

Hi Tafka, yes, I think you're right, I can see it now, I bet that's exactly what happened. In answer to your question, Ds was upset, but less so than I was. He was more baffled/amazed than anything, as it was so unexpected. But yeah, they're back playing together in the geek gang like nothing ever happened so I suppose the wisest thing would be for me to get over it too and move on. If our kids are still friends, I'll have to get on with the mum, otherwise it'll just be awkward and a bit pathetic to bear a grudge. Childminding's off the menu, though, at least for the time being!

OP posts:
KayloHalo · 18/12/2009 20:06

YABU to blank the lady
but...
YANBU to be upset about the non-invite.

I'd be upset too but I would ask the mum in question, especially after you've done so many favours for her. It's courtesy really isn't it?

When I was little I had no choice over who came to my birthday parties - my mum did it all.

Hope you can over-come this

HTH

xx

derrymac · 18/12/2009 20:10

I've just had same situation and I was pissed off and quite understand how u feel.In fact I was sayin to DH how rude it is and wondered if it was just this area! I would be tempted to ring the mum and ask her - as part of an apology for blanking her. U never know she might have been doin it as retaliation 4 somethin u did and don't even know! (Have u been telling other mums wot u thought of her son before the party?!)

I also have had more than my share of snubs due to one son having autism and behavioural difficulties - it's awful but some people just don't want the aggro/inconvenience.

And cliques and 'in-crowds' make school life miserable for us parents too - there r some brilliant books about it, like 'Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads' and 'How to handle other parents' - have a read and see ur not alone!

boyraiser · 18/12/2009 20:14

Sometimes you can't invite everyone your kid socialises with to a party for logistical / budgetary reasons etc. They might have felt that as your child had seen a lot of theirs, and that it would be a good idea for him to catch up with other people. Or maybe they were limited to numbers and picked names out of a hat. Whatever.

It's a bit unreasonable to hold a grudge though - I'd be mortified if I thought that people took an non-invite so personally. I wouldn't be worried if it happened to my kid, it's part of life and I'd hope he understood that. If he felt left out, I'd try give him an opportunity to get together with his friend on another occasion.

But, if it really bugs you, why don't you tactfully discuss it with the other mum, clear the air, and try to put it behind you.

OrmIrian · 18/12/2009 20:15

Of course you are although I can see there might be a temporary satisfaction in doing so.

TheBolter · 18/12/2009 20:23

Well I can understand why you did it, although you were unreasonable to blank her... but hey we're all human and sometimes we can't help but be childish sometimes...

It's obvious as Tafka says that the boy was trying to ingratiate himself into the upper echelons of year four but it has since become apparent that his plan hasn't exactly worked and he's back to square one, hanging out with his geek mates. A lesson in life for the boy, and no doubt his mother is embarrassed hence the creepiness from earlier.

Personally I think you need to move on, but if anyone is to 'blame' here, the mother should have put her foot down and given her son a lesson in the importance of true friendship and insisted that your son was invited. Seriously - I'd be really mortified if I felt my child was turning into a turncoat!

Aaaaaahh, the sweet politics of the playground...

JaneS · 18/12/2009 20:24

Do you think maybe the other mum is a bit embarrassed? I'd guess some kind of falling-out happened, some kind of child politics, and maybe your son doesn't even fully know what it's about yet. That's tough on him but it happens at every age. The other mum has probably had her son saying, 'I can't invite x, I like y and y isn't talking to x at the moment'. I expect it feels as odd to her as it does to you, but there's no sense you blaming her for it.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 18/12/2009 20:30

Well, I know how it feels. I've blanked one of my "friends" (we're going back 10 years!) over something similar. In my case I told her why and it actually feels much better not to have to pretend that I'm not hurt. It helps that our DDs aren't at the same school and I don't get to see her anymore. I've rejected her attempts at apologising and scorned her explanations. I'm quite meek usually but this riled me. Maybe IABU but I don't care.

Elemental · 18/12/2009 20:31

I think TheBolter's take on the situation is wise all round.

I can't blame you for blanking her though, my heart is bleeding on your behalf for your ds, but then I think it's hard to know when they're little when you might be feeling more than they are. Do you think you will still be as accomodation as you have been (considering your ds is still happy to be friends with him)?

Elemental · 18/12/2009 20:32

ACCOMODATING! Seriously, one glass of wine....!

LittlewhiskersCat · 18/12/2009 20:34

I sympathise but can't understand why, if you have the front to blank the mum, you haven't got the front to talk to the mum about it.

Perhaps something along the lines of "I know not everyone can be included for parties all the time, but I just wanted to check that my DS hasn't had a fall out with your DS or anything recently?" This would show that you weren't being precious about your DS, or expecting an invite automatically, but would open up a dialogue with her from which you would either get a straight answer or at least be able to judge her reaction/response.

If your DS enjoys the company of her DS then it seems a shame to act without knowing the whole story, as to your DS it isn't "childminding", it's having his pal over to play which may be cut short now.

Seeing as you have already played your card by blanking her it's a bit difficult to backtrack now, however, you could still approach her and a) say you're sorry you didn't speak the other day but there was something you were a bit puzzled about or b) ignore the blanking episode and just speak to her like you haven't ever blanked her before

Personally I would opt for plan b). That's WIWD

LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 18/12/2009 20:35

How sad if it was his mum trying to climb the social ladder whilst he was perfectly happy playing with your ds though...
maybe the reason for the 'creepy-smiley' ?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 18/12/2009 20:38

I think YANBU. It is a child row but at the same time, you'd actually done favours for her so out of courtesy she should have either invited him or not asked you to do those things for her.

Very strange on her part. I'd just have it out with her and ask why on earth she's done it.

You have every right to be angry and you're not being precious.

PlanetEarth · 18/12/2009 20:39

Are you sure he wasn't asked? A while ago my daughter was omitted from a good friend's birthday party - or so I thought until I saw the invitation sitting in the living room the day after the party. "DD... how did this get here?" I asked. "I don't know!" she said. "I haven't seen it before!" She was about 10 so I'm sure she did know. Never got to the bottom of that one...